Why The Narcissist Makes it All So Difficult
You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.
You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.
You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.
How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.
We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.
23 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Makes it All So Difficult”
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HG hit the nail on the head with his description of my super emapth traits and behavior. What confounds me is that my XH covert narc never raged. He was a pretty easy going person and fairly easy to get along with. In other ways he fit the descriptions of a narc – never acknowledging my efforts and contribution to the family/household, maintaining inappropriate online friendships with numerous women, lacking empathy, chronic liar, etc. It frustrates me now to learn how textbook we were, and yet it took me over 25 years to recognize our unhealthy dynamic for what it truly was. So much time wasted.
coco,
Ooo..i hated the rage. It was truly terrifying. I’m sorry it took you so long. May you find happiness now XO
In other words ->I don’t have concerns, I create them!
“…We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to…”.
It was the biggest victory of my husband. He doesn’t have to do it anymore.
I don’t know exactly, how he did it, because it was his internal self-work exclusively and I wasn’t a participant of that process. One day I “saw” the change in him. He didn’t recognize it and I told him nothing. I observed and waited.
Almost one year passed and, finally, he noticed and recognized that change himself. He said “It is strange, but I don’t feel a need to create a drama to validate and entertain myself and I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped doing it…”. Good. Very good.
The “difficult life” is really difficult not only for a victim, but Narcissist also! It is like a snake that bites its own tail and poisons itself.
The “difficult life” is directly related to psychosomatic problems almost all Narcs have – mental problems, stomach and duodenal ulcers, heart and blood vessels problems, hormonal disturbances (with according diseases) and…cancer.
Add to that list the bad habbits (alcohol, narcotics, STD’s, sleepless nights) and you’ll get the whole “picture” not even being a clairvoyant to predict the outcome…
To have the “easy” life is the question of survival and quality of life for any Narc.
Try to find the sources of your own internal “fuel”, gradually become more calm and less anxious and have a healthy life, Tudor. Love and respect yourself, because no one could do it better than you. You’ll find out soon, that the most sweetest and reliable fuel in the world is…you own fuel.
Do you know how he came to the conclusion that he shouldn’t be creating drama and what he did to overcome the need?
It is a very hard question to answer, Brian, because it was a result of the complex work – work with the self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, criticism, insecurities, paranoias…
Many specialists were involved in that process. And trust. He always trusted me. He permitted me to be his “moral compass” and “voice of the conscience”. He permitted me to control many aspects of his internal and external life and correct them. He always listened to me and “heard” me.
It wasn’t easy for him at all. It was like a war with a various enemies at the same time. So, it is hard to say, what “clicked” exactly and how. But it “clicked” finally.
Of course, he would never be an Empath and, to be honest, no need even to become it. For what? But. To get rid of the malice, envy and intentional abusive behavior is a crucial moment. Without those qualities, the Narcs, I would dare say, become more interesting and more fascinating people. Lol.
Noname,
Interesting. My ex dubbed me “his conscious” as well. In his case however, it did not work. He refused to listen. No matter what the subject, he just completely shut me down. I see now that it takes more then just owning up to an issue.. It takes dedication, self-control, much introspection. He really didn’t want to know. And that’s fine.. that is entirely his choice. But it’s also my choice; to take that abuse or not. I chose the latter.
Jasmine
“He refused to listen”.
Refused. That’s the answer.
“But it’s also my choice; to take that abuse or not. I chose the latter”.
Smarty, smarty girl! Lol.
LOL Noname! I try 😉
thanks
Did you never curse out your husband?
Im wondering why he would trust you.
Oh! I’ve learned the new phrasal verb meaning – “curse out”. Thank you. Lol.
About “cursing out”.
No, Brian, never. Not in my character. Not in his character. Plus, it someone doesn’t understand the calm and constructive speech (including a criticism), no need to rise a stake with that person to prove something. Just good bye and end of story.
About trust.
Once he said “One day I realized that I have to trust to someone to keep myself sane”. He was very right, because his numerous paranoias started to mess with him and control his life. That was the reason why he started to visit a therapist (it was before we actually met) – his goal was to get rid of paranoias. He needed a solid ground under his feet.
The therapist confirmed his suspicions about paranoias and said ”Aside of therapy sessions, you have to find someone you can trust completely. Many of your paranoias are realeted to the “trust issue”. You have to have a possibility to be completely open and honest with someone. Otherwise, our work wouldn’t be productive”.
And he started to look for a “trustful” candidate. And he found me. Why me? “My logic and intuition told me that”.
So, here we go. Lol.
it seems like a rare event when they go to the therapist and are honest.
How did you deal with it when he tried to make you angry?
I was going off emotional thinking, standing up for myself, getting angry at being treated like a traitor one minute and getting love bombed the next.
Yeah, you are right, Brian. It is a rare event. I just wouldn’t agree to live with a Narc, who has the qualities less than that.
I remember he asked me once “If I die, would you marry another Narc?”. I said “Nooo, you are the last Narc and the last man in my marital “career”. Enough. Plus, even if I wanted to do it, that Narc wouldn’t be like you. So no, no way. Anyway, no way”. Lol.
About anger.
First, I don’t operate with an anger (or fury) at all. I operate with an indignation instead (if I have a reason to express it) and it isn’t “hot” or highly emotional.
Second, he doesn’t offend me. We aren’t in war. We aren’t an enemies to each other.
“I was going off emotional thinking, standing up for myself, getting angry…”.
Understandable. You protected yourself from a pain you felt when your partner was touching your “soft spots” – your fears, your insequrities, your “issues”.
If you heal your own “soft spots”, your partner would never get your emotional response anymore, because you wouldn’t feel any discomfort. You would be indifferent.
I think your narcissist gave you loyalty tests and you passed them all. So he had to trust you.
It seems that with most relationships the narcissist gets ‘cursed out’ (which they pretend to forgive but never do) or because of the bad behaviour the loyalty tests come up with a negative result.
So a narcissist will flirt with another woman in front of their spouse for 30 minutes..then take the spouse to a restaurant and say ‘i think we should break up’ to test if they are still loyal .
Very few people can pass that test.
No, no loyalty tests were performed. He knew me for years. His family knew mine for years. So, he had the “whole picture” at that time.
Moreover, the “abuse-test” means the abuse performing and I don’t give the second chances. He knew it also.
Moreover, he isn’t a “womanizer” type and that means that women aren’t his “primary enemies” to have a war with.
My first husband was a “womanizer” type and, although our marriage was a friends with benefits type and a “Grand joke” (to jeopardize his Matrinarc for him and a way to escape another disastrous marriage for me), we have a certain elements of a war.
And if we had more serious “connection” with each other, it would be a real war. I would always have been his “primary enemy”, no matter how good and loyal I would have been to him. It is a rule of a “womanizer-Narc’s” nature.
Interesting thanks.
Your every reply leaves me with more curiousity and questions 😀
I really thought that ‘If I die, would you marry another Narc?’ was a loyalty test.
So he never did triangulation because he knew you would divorce him?
But he would cause arguments/drama. You only responded with indignation which wasn’t good fuel?
So judging from your answers he draws fuel mostly from other sources.
This is not the typical relationship with a narc at all 😀
Thanks for your answers :_)
Good point Brian. How DOES he get his fuel Noname? I’m of the impression that fuel is vital to survival.
What the mess I’ve caused, guys. Lol.
His major “hunting ground” is his work (his men-colleagues he competes and fights with). And when I tell about indignation, I mean that I express it when I don’t approve his “bad deals” at his work. Lol. He does nothing bad to me personally, so no reasons to be indignant. Lol.
About triangualition.
No, no triangulations at all. Moreover, I’m not sensitive to them. I know who I am and I accept my good and bad qualities completely as they really are.
If someone tryes to triangulate me like a “You know, he/she does this work better than you…”, I answer “Why are you staying and talking with me then? Go and ask him/her to do that job for you. I’m absolutely OK with it. We all have a right to choose better things for us. No problem. Go.”…and the end of story. I really don’t feel offended, but I add the “red flag” to my memory about that person.
Thank you Noname. I appreciate all the information. I must admit, it is all very intriguing!
So he gets enough negative fuel from work colleagues and actually wants to have a relationship where he can trust the other person..interesting.
I guess there are always exceptions to the rules.
Jasmine,
Nothing intriguing. Just life as it is. Lol.
Brian,
Yes, you are right. And yes, the rules always have exceptions. By the way, my Grandpatrinarc was the same type of a Narc. He lived with my grandmother for more than 50 years. He never abused her also. So, it seems that the “type” of a Narc is a crucial point in the relationship’s dynamic. I need more datas to know that for sure. Lol.
Thanks Jasmine and NoName very interesting discussion
🙂
Thank you HG this was edifying. So so very sad. I truly wasted 7 years of my life trying to wring blood from this turnip of a relationship. The damage echos because even post escape he still seeks to manipulate maneuver and turn tables.