Narc Magnet
You are a magnet. You attract our kind. You have done so at least once and you will continue to do so. Again and again. There is no hope for anything else. As an empath, super empath or co-dependent you radiate with the traits which draw us to you. Hitherto you had no awareness that this was the case. You would enter a room and be oblivious to the heads that turned your way as our kind detected your presence. You would have noticed that you were receiving the attention of people, but back then you had no knowledge of who was engaging with you or why that was the case. You have several sets of traits which appeal to us. These are the empathic traits, the class traits and the special traits. It is your empathic traits which stand out most of all.
These are evident in the way that you behave, the words you say, the gestures you use and the expressions that form on your face. The way your interact with people, the way you look about a room, the way you walk, the way you sit, the place you decide to sit and so many other things indicate to us your empathic nature. In the same way that everything we do is marked with the taint of our narcissism, everything that you do is stamped with the essence of your empathic traits.
When you walk into the hunting ground of our kind, you are identified promptly as exhibiting potential. It as if you give off a fuel signature, like some kind of scent which our kind smells and recognises as soon as you come near. You once did not see the Lesser as he leant against the bar and noticed you as soon as you entered the premises, his eyes fixed on you as he observed your entrance. The Mid-Ranger would look up from where was sat and find himself drawn to you, that unmistakable essence which you give off, being picked up and identified. Both Lesser and Mid-Range would not know why they wanted to engage with you save that they felt a compulsion to do so.
This need arises in the same way that a lion knows that it is hungry and therefore it must find some prey. The Lesser and the Mid-Ranger’s antennae twitch as you the empath walk through the bar. They are alerted to your presence and then they will watch and pick up on the other indicators which tell them what you are.
The Greater sees you and knows what you are. His lascivious grin indicative of the thoughts which are running through his mind as he begins to assess your suitability. You are signalling to him who you are, that you are empathic, that fuel is passing him by and an opportunity has presented itself.
Once upon a time you were oblivious. You walked through this den of narcissistic intent, unaware of the parasitic creatures that waited to climb down from their waiting perches so that they could engage with you, coil about you and draw you into their web with their silver-tongues and charm. You just thought they were being pleasant, polite and taking an interest. You had no idea how much danger you were in as you allowed your empathic traits to shine like a beacon. Each and every day you radiated these traits, issuing a sub-conscious “come and get me” to our kind. How good it felt to receive this attention. How pleasant it was to be courted in this manner.
As our kind picked up on your empathic scent and were drawn to you, they sought additional confirmations, assessing your class traits and hopefully special traits too, through a combination of instinct and design, dependent on which school of narcissist you had engaged with.
You do this as as easily as you inhale and exhale. Your traits are imprinted on you and they are indelible. They are part of your core and you cannot remove them. You cannot flick a switch and turn off these empathic traits. They are you. Imagine you will if some kind of glasses were created which allowed a physical representation of your empathic traits as hues of red light. If one donned those glasses and looked into this hunting ground as above, a bar perhaps, then one would see several things.
First there would be the normals who would have a slight red glow about them, indicating some empathic traits but limited in number and extent. There would be the dark and empty spaces which are where our kind lurk, the empathic traits completely devoid. Next one would see the dancing trails of scarlet and rose that signify the empath. The roaring flames of riotous red which blaze and indicate the presence of the super empath and then the supernova of bright red which is the signature of the co-dependent. As your gaze swept the room, one would see these differing hues and varying intensity, all indicative of the ever present empathic traits.
It is impossible for you to become incognito. You are unable to remove your empathic traits. You cannot switch them off and pass undetected. Accordingly, you will always stand out to our kind. You will always be identifiable, you will be seen and therefore if our kind is in the vicinity, whether physically proximate or through the accessibility of technology, we will be drawn to you. Like sharks which scent blood, like the hungry dog which smells meat, we pick you out and converge on you in anticipation of the fuel that will flow from you.
You will aways be a magnet for our kind. You have been created with empathic traits and you will always keep them. You will remain that beacon which we see and flock to. You will always attract us.
Of course you may learn to dampen down the manifestation of your empathic traits by altering some of your behaviours. Certain actions, words and gestures might be reduced, lessened and altered to reduce the extent of the empathic traits which you exhibit, but your traits always shine through and you cannot maintain this cloaking for long. It is contrary to who you are how you conduct yourself. Your empathic traits are so extensive that even when you have suffered the beasting at our hands and mouths, that when you have been drained, numbed and exhausted, the empathic traits will remain.
The empath will not shine with them as brightly and following the full horror of the devaluation and discard,t he empath will not function with such an obvious display of empathic traits because the brutality of the treatment will cause some diminution in function and display.
The super empath will continue to display these empathic traits because this person has the capacity to endure so much and then still have sufficient function to escape what has happened, once there is the eventual realisation as to what has happened. Once the super empath has had enough, they will seek their escape and their empathic traits continue to shine brightly.
The co-dependent, no matter how brow-beaten, how ground into the dirt he or she is, will continue to exhibit those empathic traits because the co-dependent would rather give you his or her last breath rather than take it for themselves. They continue to give, even when there seems there is nothing more that can be taken and thus their empathic traits remain on display.
This is why it is so often the case that you are almost passed from one of our kind to another. You are discarded but your empathic traits remain evident and thus another of our kind flocks to you, ready to gorge on the fuel which is generated by your empathic traits. Even if you escape, you continue to signal your suitability to us. You are unable to do anything other than stand out in this way.
It is only when you have gained the insight and understanding into knowing who it is that you keep attracting and why, that you finally learn what to watch out for. You cannot change what you are, indeed, why should you? What you can alter is your ability to identify us when we make that bee-line for you. As you radiate empathic traits, we also exhibit the narcissistic traits which once understood and once recognised in the behaviour of the everyday, mean you finally see and take notice of the red flags, flashing lights and blaring klaxons which herald this danger.
You will always be destined to be a magnet for us. That will never change. We will flock to you, be attracted to you and seek you out, our instincts seeking that scent of the empath which tells us that our needs will be met and fuel will be provided.
You will draw our interest and attention because the empathic traits flow from you. You will, once you gain the knowledge and understanding, know who it is who has joined you at the bar and flashed you that winning smile and then you can the seize the power.
52 thoughts on “Narc Magnet”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I have to thank you for putting yourself out there, recognising what you are and putting this negative trait to a positive place. I am feeling that finding this site has saved my life and confirmed what I already suspected, but was not 100% sure. I just spent 18 years with who I thought was the love of my life, and 2 years trying to break away, turning myself into someone I no longer recognised as far as dignity and values go just to stay involved in his life and near him, even though he had moved out and was fully active with the new source of fuel. Every time I hear a NARC trait that I recognise he had it feels like a punch in the stomach, but I can take the pain, as long as I know it is taking me to a better place.
How can a man be such a NARC and not even know it? or is it that they just don’t admit it. I am in Mexico and we do not have access to as much information as in Canada and the USA. When I told him he was a Narc, he was extremely insulted. Have I not read enough to know that it was an act? or can he truly not know?
I already feel the power and the freedom.
I have a special problem though, he is also a client and I cannot break 100%. Am I doomed?
I am hoping that the new fuel will be enough for him and he will eventually just leave me alone as fuel. Will that work?
Hello Ely, you need to organise a consultation so I can address these questions (and others) for you.
I find it weird how empaths and narcissists are co-dependent yet one condition is recognised in psychology and the other isn’t.
Valid point (though the narcissist isn’t recognized enough) I believe the empath is still viewed as a “metaphysical” notion, thereby easily dismissed by the general population.
Excellent point.
They really do steal your innocence. I miss baking Gullible Tarts and knitting Hats for Hope. Now, I am a woolly sheep on the lookout for fuel-demons, ever vigilant.
K,
Ha ha, I miss that too. I miss strolling around carefree in a world of eternal sunshine with that Hat of Hope securely fastened to my dreamy head. Now instead I’m just like you seeing evil wherever I look. But it’s a phase. I refuse to let life pass me by in the long run; I just need to regroup for awhile I guess. I’ll bounce back stronger than ever. We all will.
K,
You can join the mumsnet for narc maintenance. Gullible tarts😂😂😂
Mumsnet is a terrible place.
Ha ha ha, Yolo. I had to google mumsnet, maybe I could share Narc nursery rhymes.
There was an old narc who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She needed some fuel so she went out instead;
She came home with a “new daddy” and took him to bed.
HG, just looking at all those babies and “how to get pregnant” ideas gave me anxiety. It is a terrible place.
It has a particular reputation in this country. It will also be populated by a number of Mid Range Narcissists.
Interesting and very true. One of the things I’ve mourned the most has been my loss of innocence. I used to skip about the world thinking only the best of people, forgetful of what I went through as a child I thought the man that I hypothetically met in that bar was a good person wanting what’s best for me; I never questioned his intent; he’d have to prove me wrong again and again and still I would rather blame his behaviour on other external circumstances or on myself. My narcissist stripped me of power and control, he tried to make me loose sense of myself and my belief in honesty, love and justice, he was evil impersonated; and in the end the loss of my innocence still hurts so bad. I don’t want to life life guarded and on the lookout for evil; but I realise I need to to protect myself from further harm.
CAtherine, I absolutely feel your pain. It is a staging process though. I mourned my loss of innocence more than anything and thought I’d never get over that part of it. But the more you learn from here, the more you will continue to recover until you can easily spot the Ns. Learn how to behave around them and learn to save the good part of yourself only for those who are truly deserving.
Big cyber hug xxx
Do we really lose our innocence though? I know it’s horrible and we need to heal. But are they really able to take that part of us away?
Alexissmith2016,
thank you so much for your kindness! That’s exactly the journey I’m embarking on now; I want to keep all those beautiful qualities of honesty, love, justice, hope and first and foremost innocence, but I need to protect myself and save the beauty for those that deserve it. Lots of hugs to you too xx
Jasmine,
no, I hope not. I hope it’s just temporary and that our sweet innocence can coexist with a slightly heightened awareness. I don’t want to be defensive and suspicious around others; it’s not the way I want to live.
Catherine,
Then I believe that must be a goal. They cannot change our core anymore than we can change them. Healing can be painful and a process, certainly. But (as beings) we are no different after the narc, than before. We can survive much heartache and loss, yet still remain true to ourselves.
I’m guessing a fair number of us suffered some form childhood abuse.. so we already KNEW “bad guys” existed.. We just didn’t have a name for this particular kind. Well, now we do. And we have tools to arm ourselves. (TY HG)
The best thing you can do is take care of you and give yourself time to heal. XO
Jasmine,
you’re right. I think we’ll become even more true to ourselves after having gone through an experience like this. We learn to safeguard those qualities in us that are beautiful and we learn to appreciate who we are in a new sense. It takes time but I’m determined to make my narcissistic encounters in life be worthwhile in a much deeper sense than my ex could ever grasp. My innocence might be a bit tarnished right now, but it’ll shine again xx
“This is why it is so often the case that you are almost passed from one of our kind to another.”
Yes, this last experience with a narcissist made me become aware of narcissistic abuse as a “thing” and after reading more on the subject, I realize that the great majority of my past relationships involved either narcissists or people with narcissistic traits. As someone who will be turning 39 this year, it’s really sad to think of all the heartbreak I’ve experienced over the years with these individuals and, indeed, I will now be seizing the power.
Thank you for your help in this process, HG.
You are welcome Mara.
Yep. This is what I need help with!
Guess no need to buy a Super Empath shirt just yet
This article is completely accurate. No more accepting drinks from men in pubs anymore. I will buy my own drinks from now on.
I still find the whole empath term too nebulous. What I do know is that every single narcissist has sought me out first. Never the other way around.
That is absolutely correct Bibi and there is a misconception (written by “experts” or told to patients by their therapists) that the empath, apath, or CoD chooses the narcissist. We may be drawn to the them (because of mirroring) but it is the narcissist who ultimately is in control of who he targets (chooses). Not us.
Thank you very much for that power!
My divorce was finalized today. HG I must thank you. If it weren’t for me stumbling upon your blog four months ago I very well could still be married and have gone back to my lying cheating husband. The more knowledge I gain from you the easier it is for me to react appropriately, ensure no contact, and hopefully never ever become entangled with your kind again.
You are welcome.
Well wishes to you. I am glad you had the strength and resources to do what so many of us cannot. Save yourself and rebuild.
Onwards….
It is easier said than done to walk away. For some of us you are a magnet too us
“This is why it is so often the case that you are almost passed from one of our kind to another.”
Is it possible for one narc to try to take the partner of another narc, even when they are friends, HG? Is it also possible that the second narc is doing this fully aware what qualities he is going after or is it more just his instinct??
This article almost makes it seem like we don’t stand a chance. The
Hello Nina,
1. Absolutely. There is no honour amongst narcissists.
2. It will usually be instinct (unless the second narcissist is a Greater, but that is rare).
Hello HG, and thank you for your reply.
HG, do most Greaters possess as much self awareness and intellect as you do? Is it only through your sessions with the doctors that you have reached this level of awareness?
The higher intellect is, of course, a gift one is born with, but does this necessarily mean that the self awareness of one’s nature, motivations is a direct result of this intelligence? It astounds me that you can recognize your behaviours and articulate so well the motivation behind them.
No.
Not solely because of them, but they have certainly played a significant part.
Self awareness is not a guarantee as a consequence of a higher intellect, there is more to it than just intellect.
Nina
There is a YouTube interview with HG that discusses a “Narc Off” and you may like it. I think that is how my MMRN got me away from my ULN.
Fast forward to approximately 27 minutes and that is where the discussion begins. It is very interesting. The interview is short and I recommend listening to its entirety.
Thank you, K, this was very helpful. It seems we are in the same boat.
My pleasure, Nina!
This interview is incredible. Ty for posting it. I love when HG gets talking freely. The interviewer is fantastic also. Very good stuff here.
My pleasure Jess!
There are two more with the same interviewer on YouTube, each one is approximately 30 min. in length and they are both fantastic. And I agree, there is some very good stuff here, too.
Thank You HG.
I would love to have a narc as a sort of pet, like, if I could own him, and keep control of him. Be the “parent” he never had. I wonder what would happen then? If he couldn’t cheat, lie, etc. – essentially do any of his habitual routine. Would he just have a total breakdown? Would that in fact be healthy for him? Would it bring about some kind of cathartic growth experience that would break the evil spell he toils under? I envision rage, then much sobbing, gasping, more raging . . but what next or ultimately? I guess we’ll never know, since something like this would be illegal and no narc would volunteer for it. But interesting idea . . I mean, it was nurture (experience) that created the narc, maybe (we don’t really know though do we? Some people are abused as children and go on to be perfectly normal) so could nurture (a profound, prolonged, forceful enough experience) break the spell (essentially it would be reprogramming)? Perhaps you’d have to catch a narc at a young enough age (old habits die hard), or perhaps age wouldn’t matter? The so-called experts clearly have no clue about much of what falls under the category of “psychology”. The DSM is updated constantly and, as Foucault points out, the mental health industrial compley basically relies on the perpeturation of sickness for its bread and butter (it is a power structure that feeds on the narrative of endless sickness). The consensus is that a narc can never change, but of course that consensus is only valid under and within the matrix of our current societal rules/norms.
Full disclosure: I do believe that under “normal” current circumstances, the narc will and can never change. The damage was just too much for that young soul to bear, and the damage is too deep. No other explanation would hold water, considering. I am just imagining an alternate reality where radical means might be employed to make just such a change possible. . . What do you think, H. G. ? :3
I think there is force in your comment.
Does that unnerve you? To imagine the scenario?
Which scenario?
Being a pet. Being under someone else’s control?
I control, I reject being controlled.
That was such a completely foreign concept to me when I first started learning here. Now I just see that predominantly in any relationship that it is about control, power and what ways it is self serving. I just wanted to co-exist and be in the moment. It was never about control for me. Now I don’t see how to avoid needing that and it really dims the appeal to try.
Poor HG is all like, ‘Zzzzzzz….’ at such a long comment. Dude, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re asking.
A unwise desire. They can never be kept,for they wont allow it.Only if they are in control. Trifle with one,and you will become just another conquest til they find another.
I’m listening to older&wiser! (Perfect name btw)
Prime aim: avoid!
Guess no need for me to wear a Super Empath shirt ..eh?