Poll : What Has Hindered Your Recovery?
Recovery from your entanglement with our kind is often a long and difficult road which is beset with traps and setbacks. There are many things which can hinder that recovery. Which are applicable to you? The hindrances may have happened previously or they continue to dog you in your attempt to return to the person you once were. It might be that the loss of your support networks has hampered your recovery as the isolating tactics of the narcissist stripped away those people who could provide you with support during this difficult time. Possibly it is the economic impact of the entanglement, the loss of an income, the loss of your job or the imposition of crippling debts which has hampered your recovery not only in terms of returning to rude financial health but the consequences this then has on your state of mind, your confidence and your standard of living.
Alternatively, it might be that your no contact regime keeps collapsing and therefore you are infected time and time again by the narcissist, ensnared once again and unable to pull yourself free. Perhaps it has been that you have not been able to get the answers you wanted so you remained in confusion, perplexed and even turning to the narcissist thinking the answers lay there when they did not?
Has the diminution of your self-worth held you back? Has the smearing performed by the narcissist been so total that people have turned against you, that you have suffered further consequences because of it? Maybe your continuing anger at what happened to you is keeping you invested, your raging desire for revenge not allowing you to move forward in a cool, calculating manner? Or perhaps despite knowing all you know it is the misplaced love which just will not let you recover?
Whatever it might be and you may choose more than one answer, do make your selection before casting your vote and expand in the comment section as ever.
Thank you for your participation.
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Great poll, HG. Nothing hinders my recovery. I just get better at managing the ET by kicking in the LT. Thanks to you, your work and my learning 🙂 xxx
I came back to change my answer and add my vote. The physical/psychological damage is kicking my ass. Being weak physically always hinders my psyche. This instance is no different. The weight loss, the damage to my body, it’s all affecting my overall health. I WILL heal, I will move on. I am trying and that’s the best I can do.
Very good list, HG
For many women over 40, though, there is one more sad hurdle. Loneliness.
That scammer/lovefraud might be the Last man in her life to ask her out on a date. They know this steep popularity-fall of women older than 35. That is why they target her. He could statistically very well become her last male-experience.
A male survivor of abuse will, on the other hand, statistically find plenty of women to choose between, to start a new relationship with. The older he gets the more eligible he will become (i e there will be more and more lonely women around him).
Jasmine,
“2. He received enjoyment from my pain/ suffering. Actually admitted it. (Who does this??)”
A sadistic SOB. I got an admission as well… that came with blame and guilt. Yes, it was my fault. It is the hardest thing to wrap my head around… and there is lots. I am glad you did not stay as long as i did.
Your children have a head start on healing.
I am glad Stormy mentioned the physical effects. This is huge. I just added wheat grass and magnesium oil to my routine. Also, I gave up my coffee to combat adrenal fatigue. An audio consult with HG is on my resolution list as well. Not sure if it is a fear of moving forward or of Skype that holds me back.
You said “be selfish.” It is true that caring for ourselves makes us feel selfish. Its a damn shame to have so much empathy for others and be stingy with ourselves. Thank you Jasmine.
Just me,
Thank you too 🙂
Your reply touched me. So many similarities between all our stories. Long, short, physical, verbal, primary source, secondary… we’ve all been hurt. And it’s all painful. It all takes healing.
“One day at a time” is my motto. Just keep moving upwards toward the light 🌼
I am still deciding. I may dip my proverbial toe in the water first with an email consult. Here’s to better times ahead for us both! XO
One of the things that has hindered my recovery the most is cognitive dissonance. Even after learning that he was a narcissist, my mind just did not want to accept it and when he kept coming back to me, I would repress all of the other things he had done and even what I had read.
It was like my mind split into two– the one that knew everything and the one that didn’t want to believe it. It just took time for the tipping point in my mind to be reached to where I could push him away for good. But even then, that was not the end of the cognitive dissonance. It kept going through recovery. I had to reconcile the very worst of his behavior with the man I loved in order to stop romanticizing the relationship and face it for what it was. You can’t do it all at once. I think my brain was doing it to protect me because it would have been too psychologically shocking to do it all at once, but the alternative was that it was still psychologically damaging in other ways to have had the entanglement with him longer. At some point, the holding on became more painful than the false assurance and I let go of him and began to heal on my own timetable, but wow.. was it a slow and painful process.
“It is an easier choice when it’s life or death. When it reaches that point, you have to acknowledge the truth: they don’t care about you. The water is no longer muddy.”
Jasmine,
Don’t underestimate the power of denial and the effect decades of gas lighting can have on the mind.
What hampers my recovery? I do. I hold onto the pain as the last thing left and the only thing real.
Just me,
I know there was gaslighting, I don’t as yet, have a firm grasp on it. Luckily I did not have to endure decades of it. I cannot imagine the pain involved. I hope you have a good therapist to assist your recovery. (I am in contact with the nex ex.. she’s still in therapy after 10yrs, but it’s helping her)
I believe you are correct; to heal, we have to let go of the pain. A wound cannot heal if its continually picked at. Find the love for yourself. Be selfish.
Wishing you the best xo
I picked the narcissist would not leave me alone. I work with him and he will not stop. He wished me a happy New year. I completely ignored him. Then he watched my every move trying to find something to provoke me with. I am emotional and impulsive so shutting down and not responding takes a great deal of effort on my part .I am really getting tired of this.
Something that is not on the list, but I feel is relevant to me is the knowing that there is nothing I can do about the Narcisst. He will hurt others and there is nothing I can do to stop him. The knowing of what he is and that this darkness will harm others and there is nothing I can do to stop it from harming others.
Our secrets keep us sick.
Hi Megan, I got that same feeling also about the victims of my female narcissist because I was able to spot her future moves, but then again… hey, we can’t save the world, can’t we? But I must admit the frustration that comes along with it is huge and that I believe is only due to our nature being empathically…
Indeed, they would never believe. The heart is deceitful above all things, who could know it.
Should have had the option.. easy to meet him again in the same circle of friends, drinking, hard turning down sex
Hello H G and all other readers. In my case, I guess you could call it misplaced “love” or better yet, my undesired “addiction”. It has been a little over seven weeks now since I imposed my no contact status. I’m a pathetic empath. I never knew such “delights” existed before I met my Narc. I was an older, married woman, looking for a little distraction from my hum-drum life, and NEVER saw him coming. I wanted to have a gaming buddy I could occasionally talk with while we played or “games with buddies”. I was totally unprepared for the overwhelming attention, flattery, and conversations. I should have guessed it was all too good to be true, because he didn’t waste much time to want to get to know me better… and as you can surmise, I fell hook, line, and sinker for this “dream lover”. And although he lives on the other side of the world, I did things for him that I’d never done with a with, for and “to” my husband of almost 40 years! OMG! The sheer madness, wonder, and thrill of it all was absolutely surreal! Even thinking back on it now; I’m in a state of disbelief that I could have had such an unreal “relationship”…
I could go on in graphic details, but I’ll spare the sordid details; except to say, it was THE perfect affair in that we weren’t looking for an “in the flesh” relationship. It was a safe, forbidden, affair with so many conveniences for both of us…
Sorry; I promised not to expound on the subject, didn’t I? I’ve never talked about any of this before to anyone, other than my journal…
I digress. I feel like a stupid fool for engaging in this lustful affair. I’m a well educated, professional; who is seen as a mentor and councilor in my community; and if I were to tell anyone about this, they wouldn’t believe me!
I’m a pathetic addict,in that despite knowing no contact is in my best interest, I still want “him” back. The Golden Boy I fell in love with. I obsess about him day and night; although, my distressing weeping and wailing has diminished. He’s my drug of choice. My feel good supplier. My heart’s desire, but my mind’s tormentor.
I know he’ll never contact me again, because of the way things ended. And for that, I should be eternally grateful! But I still battle for my sanity everyday! I know it doesn’t make any sense at all; but I want to love to hate him. I won’t contact him ever again. And it’s not like I have a choice but to let him go. He was never mine, so I’m longing for something that never was.
I went out to play, and was fortunate to have my loving protective husband waiting in the wings for me to return home…
But I still love the Narc…GOD! How I wish I didn’t!
What now?
Can I receive a few suggestions as to how I go about getting back to “me” and move forward?
Thank you one and all for allowing me to vent.
I forgot to mention, there’s been no physical contact. Damn, running out of excuses makes me feel a little bad. After 2nd glass, I am out and by the time I wake up its too late literally. ☺Do not try this at home or before reading H.G. posts . Only empaths that use wise mind vs emotional mind can do this without compromising self.
Robert Mondavi, Chateau St. Michelle, Kendall Jackson ,and the local vineyards.
Because it’s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Because although I can intellectually understand what’s happening, it feels outside the gamut of my brain to behave as if it were true. Because of the hole that he left that feels like emptiness, as if he became my light and I inherited his creature. I feel hollowed out and just tired. Too tired to move on, too tired to go back, just stuck between two closed doors that I no longer have the energy to open.
JV, this is heartbreaking. Do you have a therapist? One that specializes in npd or the cluster-b personality disorders is best. *hugs 💞
The absence of adequate answers for the behaviour I experienced
My refusal to accept the reality of what has happened
My enduring love for the narcissist
Physical/psychological impact on your health
But more than anything, it’s that sometimes I still think it was all in my head. I think I must have been crazy. The things that I thought he did were absolutely absurd. I still find it hard to believe that it wasn’t all in my head. And when I say them out loud, it sounds even crazier. 🙁 Reading your blog helps, and though the things you describe are so similar, they are not the exact situations. Have you ever put a hair in each and every ice cube in an ice cube tray because you hated the sound of ice crunching. Or have you said something like “you know that upsets me” when your lover burped, and then when asked about it, said “I asked if you had an upset tummy.”
Sigh. I am a truth seeker, and it’s hard to gather concrete proof with your type. Especially if they are good at what they do. I just have a hard time letting go of the fact that I may NEVER have concrete proof. 🙁
Hi Stormy, If I could encourage you, I’d just like to say – Take the time to think about what happened to you – how you lived it, through your own perspective –
That is your truth.
That is all that matters.
It happened.
You can trust your perception, it was real – you felt it.
You know.
That is all you need.
Coming to terms (after many months -including a 15 week “pattern changing” course for victims of domestic abuse) that it wasn’t my fault.
Loving him, whilst my head tells my heart it’s unhealthy for me to be with him. Reconciling that that will not change, it’s for the rest of my life, then embarking on the grieving process ……
Another great poll! I chose:
Enduring love for the narcissist
Unable to maintain no contact
Lowered self esteem/confidance
Psychological impact
Im still with my narc for these reasons. Ive more or less succoumbed for the time being. My narc isnt like some ive read about where theyve been horribly abusive so its been easier to stay. Ive given up until i reach the point my narc does something that i cant get past or if he devalues me in a way i can no longer put up with.
Its been 7 years and i find it difficult to walk away. I do love him deeply despite the fact he probably doesnt feel the same way.
When or if i go no contact itll be a true no contact which means no way whatsoever to contact him or have him contact me. Itll be one of the most painful things that i will have to do.
The only other thing is if our relationship fizzled out for some reason or i stop spending as much time with him. Id like to spend more time with my hubby in the evenings but have been afraid of changing the narcs routine up. I dont want to lose the narc but i also want to invest more time into my marriage. One things for certain and that is life is always changing so we will see.
It is an easier choice when it’s life or death. When it reaches that point, you have to acknowledge the truth: they don’t care about you. The water is no longer muddy.
Hi jasmine…so very true! My narcs very covert and passive aggressive. Hes hurt me many times in the past but it rarely gets to the point id leave. Thats only happened twice. If he was more abusive i wouldnt hesitate to leave. When i read some of the things narcs do on here it makes my head spin.
Narc affair,
Yes, that last night really finished opening my eyes to a number of things…
1. He verbally attacked my children. I was a step removed and “saw” the verbal abuse for what it was.
2. He received enjoyment from my pain/ suffering. Actually admitted it. (Who does this??)
3. He had zero concern for my safety. Not a lick.
4. He claimed ownership of me; I belonged to him.
These things snapped me out of the denial that still made excuses, still forgave him, still held out hope. I recognized that I meant nothing to him and my children were in danger too. It was enough to make make fight back
I hope you are safe and stay that way. I believe I had a mid-range too, but his alcohol consumption loosened any control.
Xo jj
narc affair,
My apologizes for asking but aren’t you afraid narc will tell your husband if you decide to leave him? I’m married too, that’s why I ask you…I have no intention to go back to the (ex) narc, that’s for sure. He expected me back in “his arms” (years ago, he played the “forever friends” card with me after I ended our relationship -he had no time for me, but he was on dating sites, if I couldn’t go with him one weekend, he “kindly” let me know he’ll take some girlfriend from internet with him -she was coming from other town and sleeping at his parents place-alone, of course!) when my now husband appeared and took me from him. I think it was my: “what goes around, comes around” luck. I was very close to maybe marry that narc. He attracted me and I was attracting him, that’s for sure. My “attitude” was his only and biggest problem, as I wasn’t a submissive woman (my luck again: he wasn’t my first man, otherwise…I could have been his ideal victim, as he repeatedly told me I reminded him most of his first among “victims”, or should I say…wife?).
Hi somewhere over the rainbow…thats a great question and one thats very valid. At the beginning of the relationship i was worried but its been 7 years and i know without a doubt he would never tell my hubby or be vendictive that way. I have no worries at all over that. I also know a lot about his family. It sounds weird to trust a narc but in that respect i know hed never try to ruin my family life even if we parted ways badly. Hes decietful but hes not nasty like that. Other narcs i could see doing that tho.
narc affair,
Thank you very much for answering and I hope you are right about your narc.
I chose lack of understanding but it’s not really that exactly. I understand because of HG. The cognitive dissonance was on purpose. It’s not that the narcs in my life didn’t realize they were behaving in completely conflicting ways causing me to constantly wonder which behavior was true…they did realize and it was by design.
But, I still struggle with that. Especially with my mother. Come here, go away, come here, go away…I love you so much, I hate you, I love you so much, I hate you. That’s just the verbal cognitive dissonance. As I’ve said a million times before, it is the truest form of mind fuckery ever imagined.
I have to return again and again to what is TRUE. And HG is where I get the truth. I forget. I can’t come here once, read what is true and then have it together. I have to read it over and over again until new neural pathways are formed in my brain.
It is my self worth that keeps me from being whole. It’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. I know there is a smear campaign but it has not affected my life. Yet. The divorce seems to be long and drawn out and I ache for closure. I worry about my sons wellbeing. I worry that my bringing his abuse to surface he will make good on his wish for my death. I worry if the judge will see him for who he truly is? He has not spoken to me at all since I left. But he is bound and determined to possess the child he has zero interest in (unless we were in public).
The physical/psychological has been the worst of the three i chose.
I was/am paranoid about who his coterie is, his lieutenants. Blocking him and his friend list on social media took research and time.
I have seen him once in two years (by chance).
I still go to the mall thats closest to his home as its still the one closest to mine. I moved when i escaped (by sheer dumb luck) about 10 blocks away on the same street.
I often wonder who my friends are to this day. 😧
And honestly if i have to guess, then i guess its best to stay away.
I cherish the depths this experience has given me with the people i love and who love me back.
In February im planning an outing to a club he’s been seen in. Not because he’s been seen there or that i long to see him. I’m not going to allow him to stop me from continuing to be a member in a community i value, need and love.
I will have a group of people around me who are supportive and knowledgeable about narcissism and my personal situation. My hope is to be able to be present in the same places as he is when it occurs, as it inevitably will, and block his presence/energy. This is the ideal situation.
Im also open to the possibility after 2 years i might not be ready. I won’t know until i know.
He’s in the world just as i am and i wont allow my life to end just because his and his kind are in the world.
I will find a way to be safe without hiding. Im not a mushroom anymore.
HG here’s something I would like to share about your recovery questionnaire: ended relation with my female narc 2 months ago maintaining NC and learned a lot about narcissism to completely understand. There’s a point missing on your questionnaire: I feel so pity for the narc, the pain is huge and sometimes unbearable…
Hello ZE, thanks for your contribution. It is sometimes the case that certain responses to the polls will not be included in the answers, usually to prevent them becoming too unwieldy and thus the comments section is the place to include those responses which may be missing – as you have done so. Do you mean also that the pain you feel through pity for the narcissist is unbearable?
Yes, that’s what I meant, it is so unbearable to know one can be blindly seeking for something that she or he’s been missing and will most likely never ever attend.
Yes, feel so pity for her she will never ever know to feel what empathy feelings look like and make one go to heaven. Such a sad sad world of complete emptiness how can you ever live in it?
Oh yes i forgot to add that… i felt sad for them, like having pain from both sides! I caved in always
ZE,
I felt sorry for mine too. Few friends. Didn’t seem to be happy with himself. I wanted to help him, to be a true friend. To show him what it feels like to be loved. It was a learning experience that I shouldn’t regret, but I kinda do. I wish I had let go a long time ago. Best wishes.
That sounds like mine. It was obvious that the few scumbag “friends” surrounding him clearly didn’t respect him at all, I think they were also narcs, and his family didn’t seem to care about him either. Nobody seemed to care about him at all. I thought, wow, I’ll be the first person in this guy’s life to show him what love feels like; and that with love, anything is possible. So much for that.
I would say as Survivor did. Lack of understanding due to unresolved childhood trauma that left me acting in a destructive manner with low self worth and low self esteem as a result. Also my need for closure, my refusal to accept the reality of what happened made it difficult for me to go no contact in the early beginning. But I did find you HG very early on and I immediately decided I needed therapy to deal with what happened and from then on and onwards I’m slowly recovering now and finally starting to let go. My misguided love for him was a big part of it all; I felt a fierce loyalty and a need to protect him against himself somehow; and I need to work through the fear of abandonment that my childhood left me with to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t love at all; it was two people acting out their destructive upbringings together; and that has nothing whatsoever to do with love.
Wow, Catherine.. This is like SPOT ON with how I feel.. Same circumstance of me and my narc suffering not so perfect upbringings.. Same thing of me feeling compelled to point out his actions in hopes he could see they were not best and that by discussing them with me and simply having me in his life, he would become a better person.. Same thing of having undying loyalty for him and being overprotective of him.. I am so done, though.. I’m so happy to finally feel it in my heart.. He’s really killed that last feeling of active love for him in my heart with his latest act.. I still love him because I always have, ever since I was a teenager.. But it’s not active to the point I have a desire to be with him.. No more.. No more.. No more.. I am through with him..
Bekah B,
Isn’t it a good feeling to know that you’re done with him? Good for you! Life opens up in a new and unexpected way when you start letting go. I feel like I’ve been in hell and back these last six months (not counting the almost three years of hell when with him) and finally I feel some sort of vague indifference towards him. I’m not in overwhelming pain anymore, I don’t lie awake at night wondering where he is or with whom; I’m not even that angry anymore. I know it’s early days yet and my state of mind is still fragile and vulnerable, but at least I’m not in this imminent need of him in my life anymore. Instead I’m now immersed in the early beginnings of a relationship with myself for the first time in my life. It’s peaceful. Like Clarece said in her letter yesterday: fuck him! Fuck them!
I wish us both all luck in the world right know. Let’s beat the misplaced love we felt, let’s not repeat childhood dramas anymore!
Getting sucked back in to the dangling of the golden period only to have it yanked away and replaced by Even Nastier Shit. Thank God you have carefully warned us of this. I just need to remove every trace of malignant hope and get the fuck away from all of them.
E.N.S.
hehe. Perfect description!
I consider myself recovered. From the narc at least.
I am still working on myself: confidence, not being a target, how to be more assertive in certain arenas, dealing with confrontation better, not being so sensitive to perception from others, trying to be more positive, etc.
I am also trying to take any negative reactions towards me and use them as fuel, rather than hurt.
I have learned a lot of good behaviours from you, HG. Not everything is bad.
We were engaged. It has only been 12 days since he walked out the door. It was the most incredibly bizarre shit I ever experienced. The signs were there, in retrospect. His love bombing and denial of the truth confused me enough to keep it going. He literally transformed before my eyes. Into someone I have never seen. And someone I never want to see again. The mask fell and he ran. I am shocked at the fact that my recovery is easier than it has ever been when a relationship ends. His truth sickens me. I cannot miss what never was. Financially though, he destroyed me and in turn, my family.
I was also engaged. It was a very usettling experience how much easily he let me go (I felt worthless) but later HG explained to me he hadn’t accepted the break up, he was just conning me into thinking he did. Later, when he started the malign hoover I realised it was just a question of time until he felt entitled to my fuel again and started to act out. I bow to HG’s wisdom, he never swy the narc, does not even know if he’s either a Lesser or a Mid Rager and still is able to precise how is he going to behave. I am very sorry you were financially affected by your ex, as I have learned by my own bitter experience, it is very unlikely narcs ever pay us back since they do think they are so special they are entitled to all exploitations and that includes our money.
My answer of the past situations… in case it helps our statisics
1. Zero support (until I found narcsite)
2. Lack of understanding
3. Lack of adequate answers
4. Fucking rage, hatred, revenge, death, murder, kill, malice obsession
5. Hopeless and powerless
6. Economic impact
7. Psychological impact: In the Fog, Hot Mess, thought I was losing it
8. Impact on children
For the most part, many psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists are useless. Some even do more harm than good, Twits!
K,
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with therapists. I was really fortunate; the one I see is specialised in relationship trauma and abuse and she’s literally saved my life; she always manages to turn my perspective around into some new awareness; and along with HG and all of you in this community that have been through the same thing I’m healing. I’m so grateful.
Thank you, Catherine
I am very happy to read that you had an excellent experience with your therapist and, I think you are right, you were very fortunate and we need more good therapists like yours.
My unfortunate experience with the mental health field has been by proxy. I have read several books, peppered with inaccuracies, by psychologists and I know 3 people who have had bad experiences with therapy; they were never told that their abusers were pathological narcissists. I have communicated with four Harvard educated doctors regarding NPD and only one seems receptive. When I was an adolescent, I did see a therapist for my anger issues and, although he was nice, he did not connect my anger with NPD abuse. There is a severe lack of knowledge about NPD and it needs to be addressed. I consider myself very lucky to have found HG and all the other bloggers here. The therapy here is superb.
K,
Oh, I’m sorry to hear about those negative experiences! I agree though that the therapy here is in all ways possible superb. And I’m lucky to have found my therapist; it’s important with good chemistry and trust when you’re vulnerable and I do feel that for her. Even though she’s careful with labels she picked up on my family history of NPD without me having to do anything else than to describe my childhood, and she’s told me my ex certainly do have strong narcissistic tendencies even though she says he probably would classify as a psychopath/sociopath as well. I agree that these issues need to be adressed. There’s a fundamental gap in knowledge concerning these personality disorders and we would’ve all needed this information sooner.
It’s a shame they don’t teach this in the high schools. My kid would be better served to learn about psychopathy than how to bake cookies and sew an apron
Thank you, Catherine. And I am thrilled that you have a therapist that you trust and feel safe with. Chemistry is very important in the healing process. It is imperative that vulnerable people feel listened to/heard/understood. You are correct there is a fundamental gap regarding ASPD/NPD and the biggest barriers are: lack of public awareness, inadequately trained professionals and expense. I can only imagine the difference in my life if my therapist informed me about NPD when I was an adolescent. Sooner could have made a world of difference.
Which book do you think would be most beneficial for a teen? I’d like to arm my child as much as possible. She has some first -hand knowledge (from watching my disaster) but I think some kind of reference book would do her good. She wasn’t privy to all the manipulations, only my behavior
How old is she?
17
I voted for won’t leave me alone only because when I finally think he will leave me alone somehow he always finds away to remind me he is still out there! Example. His company is here installing monitors this week, he is not here but that doesn’t stop him! First one I had to talk to brought him up and said he told him to let me know he was thinking of me and if they needed anything to come to me! Why can’t he just let it all go! I haven’t thought of him in months and then out of the blue Bang! Back in my head! I honestly think I hate him!! I give up!
foolme1time
He won’t let go because in his mind, he owns you.
K I know he thinks he owns me but he does not! I actually acted like I didn’t remember him! Lol. That should piss him off! The longer I go without hearing anything from him the better I feel! I’m bored with it all now! Time to move on! Long distant relationships never work especially with a narcissist! Saving my love not fuel for someone else. 🌷
You sound like you are doing very well, foolme1time. Indifference is the goal and I think I am ready to move on, too. Good for you and damn straight, save your love for someone who deserves it!
K, think I finally found someone that deserves it! 😍
Fool me,
Good for you! XO 💞 Congratulations
Thank you Jasmine! Slow and steady at this time. We’ll see how it works out.
Happy to hear new horizons looking good for you FM1T! You sound ready!! ❤❤
Sweet, foolme1time!!! Awww…I am so excited for you. Love is so wonderful.
K, yes it is! He is very precious and dear to me! Let’s hope it lasts along time?!
None of the above.
Many things have had an impact on my life in one way or the other. It’s part of the process of learning, healing… but I’m not ever going back
My failure to understand myself.
Why did I ever submit to any of this?
Why did I continue to care?
Why did I trust him?
Why couldn’t I see the red flags?
Fear of doing this again has hindered my recovery.
Inviting in continued Narcissistic behaviour due to my own unresolved childhood trauma.
This person has become ‘habit’ in my life. contact every day over txt, To suddenly not have that now THEY have decided they cant continue, due to the fact they have ‘TRIED to be a normal person but they can’t’ – so only can be friends…………….. leaves me with anger considering I put up with so much shit and stuck it out. I’ve too much left to say without it rotting inside of me. I am now my own hinderance . And NO I will not just be your friend! Pffttt!! Cheek!
I should add I blocked him Tuesday night and he hoovered Wednesday night I had been observing since thanksgiving when I went back to him I specifically acted very needy and presented him with many scenarios in which I asked for support the latest was my narcissistic sister excluding me from decisions regarding my mom and reading my texts and not responding my sister doing this not him and I’ve been so upset over it and sure enough in true fashion he made an attempt at support but it was not even close to what I needed I even said I was suicidal to see if he would respond appropriately he did not that’s when I blocked him between that and the fact I believe he’s having an online affair with an ugly German woman in my case I needed to test him to see if he would give me the support I need and he failed
Ugotit
She may be ugly but I bet her fuel is beautiful. And since he is triangulating, he probably likes your fuel too. He has got it made with you. I think you should go no contact.
I have the misplaced love and he is doing/did a number on my self esteem. After the shelving, I didn’t think any other woman would want him, but he has replaced me with an ugly coworker with the IQ of a dishrag. She is much younger and flirts, though, and therefore I am sure she gives off sensational fuel. I have to remember it’s not personal, he is not in love with her anymore than he was in love with me. It is the speed with which he replaced me that hurts.
Technically I am no contact I blocked him two days ago he’s not technically triangulating because he doesn’t have the slightest idea I know about this woman all I know is he likes every single picture she posts on Facebook but I’ve never brought her name up to him or asked him about her we are scheduled to be married during February vacation in Tunisia legally I mean we are already married islamically his interest in this woman is for a green card out of Algeria he’s an opportunist in his mind he figures if I leave him and don’t go thru with the wedding maybe he can get this German woman to come and marry him since Germany and Algeria are only an hours flight away from each other I just don’t know how they are communicating because I messaged her and she only speaks German not English and he doesn’t speak German but I used Google translate to ask her about the nature of their relationship in German I’m just waiting for her to see my message and reply yeah I sound psycho but I need to know exactly what’s going on
I do not think you are a psycho, Ugotit. You may want to read this when you have a chance. I broke N/C by talking about my MMRN.
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/20/5-common-no-contact-mistakes-no-3-talking-about-us-3/
Ugotit
If you blocked him , how did he hoover you?
I blocked him on Facebook hangouts twitter Google plus my phone and Skype he has never had an instagram account but he knew I made on a month ago because his cousin found me and messaged me on instagram and told him about it and he asked me if I spike to his cousin and I said yes but didn’t tell him what we talked about that was a month ago so he apparently decided to make an instagram account and then messaged me on it saying ” you decided to run away from me lol”
I was just thinking about all this last night u must be psychic lol
Definitely many applied but the number one reason I keep going back.is refusal to believe what happened/ thinking there might be another outcome. I’m working on that now
Physical/psychological impact on your health
This is a tough one to deal with, however, with all the other things in place and working, everything is in play to recover this last piece of the puzzle.
I am so inraged like how or why or what is to be the outcome from this for the last year to be torchared played like a fool used I’m so lost in this mess of bull shit I’m going to SNAP!
The last 6 months have been okay…not a day goes by I don’t remember but it’s been way less intense. I’m strong with the no contact thing, however in the last month his van has driven past me doing the school run twice, the school is tucked away and through traffic is low as there as most people avoid the area in favor of better and faster routes….it seems odd. I always turn my face away.. it makes me sad and puts me back in my recovery but I wont break.
HG. is this paranoid coincidence or some type of hoover? The self assessment dead line approaching means my name has or will come up in his paperwork. Ta
It is a hoover. You are maintaining your no contact regime however.
Will completely ignoring him irritate him at all? I never look at him, so I can’t read him, following your excellent advice HG I have had no questions answered and administered no pay back as this would clearly backfire… but it would be a warm fuzzy glow if the fact he may look but he can’t reach me brings him some discomfort!?! 🙂
Ignoring us wounds us and the extent of that ranges from irritation to incandescent rage dependent upon the circumstances.
Thanks HG! Here’s hoping my continued cold shoulder gives him some confusion and discomfort while he waists his fuel!