Ten Poisoned Messages of Devaluation

 

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We avail ourselves of the use of technology through all the various stages of the narcissistic cycle and the period of devaluation is no exception. We will use the sending of messages, be they of the text, messenger or e-mail variety, to roll out our devaluation against you. These poisonous messages are sent because it is so easy for us to do so. It is a simple task of typing that message, whether we happen to be at home, in the office, sat waiting for a plane or in a queue of traffic. We can unleash a poisoned arrow from anywhere and have it winging its way to pierce your heart. We can do it at any time and reap the reward from the provision of fuel. Sometimes the fuel arises as consequence of your response, by messaging us back or ringing us. Other times it is gathered through Thought Fuel as we envisage your reaction based on what we know of your emotional responses and sometimes we even get the combination of both Proximate and Thought Fuel. There is little energy expenditure for us and the prospects of fuel and exerting control over you are invariably very good. Here are ten ways in which we send you poisonous messages during devaluation.

1. The Barren Periods

We have, through the extensive and exciting messaging we engaged in during the golden period created an expectancy on your part to receive messages from first thing in the morning until last thing at night and at regular and repeated intervals. You have become used to this and then all of a sudden it dries up. You send a message to us in the hope of generating a response but there is nothing. You send another, just in case the first did not somehow get through. There is nothing but silence. You wait and try to do something else but you cannot concentrate because you keep looking to your ‘phone hoping for that message to appear but it does not. Many hours may pass, perhaps a day until you either happen to bump into us or we deign to finally respond. You can expect the replies to be along the lines of:

“There was no signal where I was.”

“There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”

“I did reply, did you not get it?”

“All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”

“I ran out of credit.”

“I ran out of battery.”

Do not accept these explanations. These are rolled out to pull the wool over your eyes. The failure to reply was deliberate and calculated and more often than not it was because we were busy with somebody else.

2. The Raised Hopes

We will make an arrangement with you, suggesting we go out to dinner tomorrow evening or attend that new play you were excited to see. You look forward to spending time with us, alter your other arrangements, put yourself to time and expense in preparation for whatever event is and then at the last minute we cancel with either no excuse or half an excuse and then we fall silent.

3. The Wrong Recipient

You receive a message which is clearly meant for someone else. It might be using a nickname that is unfamiliar to you, confirming an arrangement when you knew of none to be confirmed, thanking you for a wonderful evening when we did not see one another that evening or any number of combinations where the content of the message is at odds with what you know. It is rarely a mistake when this happens. It is done deliberately.

4. The Vitriolic Volley

A straight forward nasty barrage of insults sent in the form of text messages. The content will be savage and hurtful and you will have no or little idea why the messages are being sent or what they actually relate to. You will be accused of being a slut, when you have always been faithful, or wasting money when you are careful with it, or not caring about us when you have just done something especially loving. The words will be barbed, picking on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and is often done when you have gone out without us or you have friends around without us being invited. It is a short and sharp method of upsetting you in a quick as possible manner.

5. The Afterthought

We tell you what we are doing and happen to mention that you might like it as well even though now, given the late notice you have been given, that it is nigh on impossible for you to join in. Typical messages will read

“Great party at Harry’s you would love the music here.”

“I am at Portofino’s with Hannah, the food is just your type of thing.” (Plus, who is Hannah by the way?)

“I am watching U2, they are awesome, you like them don’t you?” (When we know full well that U2 is your favourite band.)

You are left upset as you are missing out on something you would enjoy and also hurt because we have done it without you, knowing that you would have wanted to attend as well.

6. The Mirror

This does not appear as though it is actually a poisonous message because its content is pleasant and it is WHEN it is sent that is of relevance. If you are going through a period of devaluation and you then receive messages which appear to provide a Respite Period from the nastiness, be warned; you and somebody else are getting the same messages. Thus if we have been unpleasant to you for a number of weeks and you then get a message stating

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

“I wish you were with me.”

It will lift your heart but understand that its generic quality, lack of personalisation and out-of-the blue quality denotes that you and your prospective replacement are both receiving this message from us. Double fuel.

7. The Backhander

It may seem like a pleasant message but it is not. This is usually sent to emphasise our importance and demote the apparent pleasantry in our message to you by causing it to appear second-best to the rest of what we have written. Examples would include

“I miss you but I am so busy closing this massive deal at the moment.”

“I hope you are well but I am focused on beating my time for the half marathon so lots of training at present.”

“I was thinking about you as I was polishing my new car.”

8. The False Hope

You receive a blank message from us following a period of silence and this causes you to respond, pleased to have received even this crumb of apparent comfort and thus you respond to it. We deny messaging you or suggest it must have been done by accident. The text equivalent of the butt dial. It was done on purpose and we noted just how quickly you replied to us as well.

9. The Forewarned Silent Treatment

You are told we will not be available to contact. The reason given is not because we are travelling or engaged in meetings or such like, but rather it will be explanations such as

“Don’t message me for 48 hours, I need to do some thinking.”

“I need some space, so I won’t be in touch for a few days.”

“I am feeling pressured so just need some breathing space. Don’t contact me until I contact you.”

Aside from gaining Thought Fuel at your disappointed and concerned reaction, this is being done to exert control over you and most of all to ensure that you do not get in the way and interfere as we are seducing someone else.

10. The False Emergency

We send a message asking for your help with something and you feel pleased to be involved as matters have been decidedly icy between us for a few days. You respond straight away but you are then told that it does not matter since Joe or Helen or Angela has already come to our aid/lent us the onion/changed the tyre etc. There was no incident which required your help or help from anybody. We wanted to see how quickly you would respond to our control and then we garner fuel from both your perceived and witnessed responses.

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5 thoughts on “Ten Poisoned Messages of Devaluation”

  1. Maybe this is more for the Backhanded Provocations post,
    but one true torture type of devaluation message is when the narcissist suddenly asks for Permissions.
    Acts intimidated.
    Looks polite and pleasant at the very first glance.
    But if you don’t live together and you haven’t heard from him for days or a week, and suddenly get these sorts:

    “May I play tennis with my buddy on Sunday afternoon?”

    it will feel odd

    And you think, and write, “well of course, thanks for telling me, but you don’t have to ask for my permission”
    At dinner table he goes:

    “May I please … you suppose I could trouble you to …[silence] … hand me the salt?”

    And as a typical doormat empath you quickly want to indulge and back off even more. “Oh my, he must be afraid of me, I am intimidating to him”
    So you go more and more quiet, comply, and feel uneasy (even though it feels a wee bit odd that a big tall wideshouldered man should talk so nervously).
    “Sure, no problem” “Sure, of course I can do that” was my response.

    it is a quick way for him to mark big distance,
    and at the same time make the empath confused/uneasy (“I must be scary”) + make the empath do a lot of things for him.

    What a bait

  2. Or something like: wishing him “Happy Birthday!” and seeing he was writing me back, but he didn’t send the lines until a week later. He wrote: “Thank you. Someone died in my extended family.” The text was half from computer, half from phone (as I imagined), another proof he put me to the test that entire week, expecting some emotional reaction just to call me “crazy”. He told he wasn’t affected by his own father’s death, so I couldn’t imagine him getting affected this time. I answered after another week, by telling him I’m sorry for his lost.
    I was a “broken toy/puppet”, not funny for him to press buttons when receiving his treatment reflected back at him. At first, my mistake was believing all people were good inside (seeing world from my perspective). I learned to accept I must change my “pink (horse) glasses”.

  3. “There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”

    “I did reply, did you not get it?”

    “All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”

    Oooh yes! I heard EVERY ONE of these, almost verbatim. I get nauseous reading your blog sometimes. It feels as if you’ve been spying on my life. The similarities are impossible to ignore. The number of boxes ticked- just too high to dismiss. It all just makes me ill

    1. K,

      This reminds me of somatic narc: he “honoured” me by offering to f**k me FIRST in his brand new (2 days) expensive car (his pride) when we were not in a relationship (it was a hoover). He was almost wounded when I asked all technical details about the car and nothing about him. “Insensitive” me…he taught me way to well!

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