Back For More
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understand who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
21 thoughts on “Back For More”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Ive experienced most of these and broken no contact. When it comes down to it its an addiction and imo a codependancy.
The narc breathes life into you where it was lacking. I came across this evanescance vid and it really summed up how ive felt during no contact. Its an awful feeling until you get over that detox period and deal with the voids on your own. It really can feel like youre dead or dying inside.
https://youtu.be/3YxaaGgTQYM
Since I found your Blog I’ve been mesmerized, obsessed, frightened, and vindicated. I’ve read and scrutinized dozens of Blogs and Web Sites trying to understand the journey with my Narcissist, that has left me profoundly damaged, insane, and lost. Thank you for giving me the clarity, understanding, and insight, I’ve been unable to achieve on my own. For the first time in years I can see her clearly, with open eyes, and make sense of the insanity I’ve endured. I currently have been dis-engaged, and demoted to IPSS. For 3.5 years I was IPPS. I have a long recovery ahead of me, but the road has been cleared by your gift of knowledge. I’m still in love with the fantasy of her, but at least now I have some semblance of what my reality actually is, rather than the numb fog I’ve been floundering in for years. Thank you!
You are welcome.
When the narc is a parent (or possibly even both parents) and they are elderly, frail and dependent, the challenge is to help them and care for them when they need it, but also be detached enough to stay immune from their constant provoking behaviour without becoming hard-hearted and cynical.
I realise what they’re doing, but they’re still my parents and I feel obliged to help them, not because I feel guilt, but because I think it’s the right thing to do and they don’t have other support. It’s draining, time-consuming and often results in criticism rather than thanks, but I can’t see any other option but to endure it.
So.. How should I read this situation: My ex boyfriend was with me 1 year than he discarded me… suddenly! On Saturday he loved me and he wanted marry me..On Sunday he finished our relationship telling me he is not ready to marry someone and he is not sure of his feelings so on. And he never more contacted with me avoiding my contact.. I moved to Tenerife because I needed to find myself again (I am from Poland) and I was absolutely emotional destroyed.
After 10 months he married another girl with who he was 5or6 months.. And he did in a totally secrat way but doing everything I will get this news… And… the most strange what I can’t understand he came with her to the honeymoon in Tenerife… choosing area where I live.
He could go everywhere.. it was not after 10 years. Hi did it after 10 months we stopped be together.. He knows Tenerife because he was there 2 weeks after our break up so.. it was not the reason that he wanted to see the island…
Can you help me understand why he did it? It is some kind of Hoover? he wanted hurt me again?
I think I would be the Navel Gazer first and foremost. I am a Navel Gazer right now, I’m fascinated with who I am, but I haven’t confronted him with any of these thoughts. I’ve been thinking though for a long time that I need to do it for that elusive closure; right now I’m not sure I ever will though. He’s out of my life finally and that’s good riddance to bad rubbish. Why would I want to engage with him again? Time will tell. Without awareness and having removed myself from his power though I would certainly be the Healer.
I totally get what you are saying. I am certain you would never get a legit answer. Just word salad intended to confuse you even more. Reopening communication for me just reopens the wound.
And also, I was always the healer too. His wife left him and I was always licking his wounds for him. Yuck.
NC,
that’s what I’m thinking too. I was determined before to confront him with his own destructive behaviour but maybe that’s part of grief and something to let go of now. Yuck for licking others wounds! Let’s lick our own and get on with our lives.
An understandable and fairly common response Catherine and part of the emotional thinking wanting to make you remain engaged with the narcissist. You are right to let it go.
Thank you HG, I feel that I’m slowly healing now and letting go.
I recognize several responses in myself. Often it depended on the mood I was in…. Everything he did was a form of flexing his power…. Hoovering was reestablishing power. His primary source wounded him… He failed at work… He was face to face with his mortality….
All I need to know is he doesn’t hoover me because I am special or unique or because he longs for me…. He hoovers to remind himself HE is special and unique and he longs to remind himself of his immense power…
He spit on me, punched me, cheated on me, ignored me, reinvented my reality, rewrote history, punished me and rewarded me like a pavlovian dog….. And I still wanted him for a very long time.
WHO WOULDN’T FEEL A SURGE OF POWER IF THEIR VICTIM AFTER ALL THE PAIN STILL WANTED A CONNECTION…
You’re so right– it’s never about us, ALWAYS about them. Really puts things into perspective and makes a lot of sense when keeping this in mind. Sure, I need to examine myself and my situation for actually accepting his hoover this time around, but I also need to look at HIM and HIS current situation– definitely explains a lot. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
God. I’ve ranged between 6-9.
Now he is just blocked. Bye bye Narc!
– hoover denied –
Not exactly Jazzy. KWIM?
Yes Jett, i see myself in some of those.. But there’s a padlock on that gate. Self-survival is paramount
I needed to read this today. I’m at the point where I’ve been discarded, he’s with another new supply, there has been several since we broke up but I think he must have a new primary source as he has not messaged me for 3 months now, which is the longest we’ve had no contact ever.
We’ve been doing this for 7 years, he’s had plenty of women in that time but I’ve never moved on. I think that because in the last 12 months I stopped giving him the emotional response he needed (as hard as that was sometimes) he set out to replace me for good. I recognise myself in many of those roles. Reading through this site makes me realise how futile it is to hold onto any hope of a meaningful relationship with him.
Go full No Contact Angie, that’s the only way to move on. Nobody will have a good life being involved with a narc. You do not deserve to be abused. Respect yourself Angie. Wishing you strength xx
I can *so* relate! After going just over 1.5yrs without seeing him and just shy of a year without hearing from him (the longest it had been in both regards), I broke down and met up with him. He told me that he’d dated other women and was in a serious relationship with one for about 9 months (i.e., the new primary source– my replacement). I’ve been doing this dance with him nearly as long as you have and also have yet to truly move on– I’ve had opportunities but just haven’t been able to…a big part of me still wants him and only him…I can’t seem to let go of the happily-ever-after fairytale I so wanted with him. *sigh* Weirdest thing is he used to block me from time to time– not only during discards but also when we were supposedly together (usually during a fight or sometime just because…stupid manufactured drama bs). Now, though, he has unblocked me and claims he will not block me again. Makes me wonder if he’s truly moved on for good. The dynamic just seems so different– it’s as if he doesn’t care at all anymore and can’t even be bothered to pretend. The only thing I can think of is that maybe the last few times I rejected his overtures to get together, etc. (supposedly before he was with my replacement) really wounded him– especially when I turned the tables on him and gave him the silent treatment for just over a week (this was about a year ago). He *really* spun out and tried to win me back during that time. Now, though, he doesn’t seem to be fighting for me or even want me anymore. I mean, he did hoover recently and we ended up getting together, but by the end of the night he had already turned on me and was all like “I don’t think we’re good for each other, you need to focus on yourself, I need some time alone now”…blah, blah, blah. But he didn’t block me and claims he wants to remain supportive…wtf?! Anyway, sorry for rambling…you’re comment just really struck a chord and I guess I thought maybe you could relate.
Be my friend on the thing and I’ll tell you a bit. Nothing really fits it. An anomaly, perhaps. I wonder how the weird boys (all two of you) never get the eazy: do something nice for a change. Opens all kind of doors. Or don’t. All the same to me.
I’m starting to think it’s a lieutenant or fan club administrator, Sverige.
The 60’s was a great decade.
It really is quite uncanny and a bit frightening how you know us and our reactions so well, HG!!! I wish we had as much insight about narcs.