A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 63
Whore.
Slut.
Suck.
These were words I’m all too familiar with these days. They spin in my mind like and endless groundhog day, over and over and over. The slapping, the spitting, the choking. Sex play you used to call it. If I knew what men wanted and did what they wanted in the bedroom then maybe I’d be married with a family by now you used to say.
I’m educated, tall, beautiful, and used to be successful. I used to care. I used to feel. I used to have hope, an outlook. Now, if I can get out of bed and make it to the back porch to smoke a pack of cigarettes for the day and make it to the store to buy food without having an anxiety attack around humans I consider myself lucky. Mostly, though, I’m afraid to leave my bedroom. You are everywhere. Memories, I see your car everywhere, your name, you laugh, your smile, I still feel you, I can still hear you breath, the way your lips moved when you talked, I miss you. You are everywhere. So I’m afraid to go anywhere. I once drove to your side of town for dinner with friends and had to leave because I was afraid I may see you. I know me doing this gives you all the power but I just don’t have the energy. Everything is exhausting. All my light, my love, my tenacity, my excitement…gone. I keep waiting to feel empowered again, feel alive.
It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you, except you coming back twice this summer for sex and I hate myself even more now. I thought about you for months and months then you appeared on my phone and I felt you loved me and had been as sad as I had been during our time apart. I was a fool.
Everything spins. It’s been so long and I can’t get back to my old self. I just sleep and try to stop the memories.
These memories…
The time you whispered in my ear on our first Valentine’s Day morning during sex, ‘you know the only reason you’re here is so I can use your three holes’. Then I started crying and you kept going and I had to put on a happy face because your friends were in town and we were going out with them. Then as punishment for my morning emotional antics you followed up the Valentine’s Day with anal sex without asking. Just grabbed the condom and I was expected to comply.
The time you told your friends the only reason you took me on a nice dates in the beginning of our relationship was because you were trying to get laid.
The times I woke up next you you and instead of smiling, or kissing, or cuddling with me you would just say suck. That word makes me sick to my stomach now.
The time you urinated on me on your rooftop right after a long talk about our future, children, moving to Florida, and how much you loved me,,, then, without asking, you just started urinating on me and explained you needed it because you suffered extreme sexual abuse as a child. Then you poured your beer on my head and pushed my head to the ground and told me to ‘smell it whore’ I acted like I liked it, I had to, because I had just gotten you back and I knew if I didn’t, you would leave. After all, you did say that men fall in love with women who do whatever they want in bed. I knew that was a bullshit comment but kept obliging because silly me thought you really did love me and really did want a future with me. After all… it had been nearly 3 years of on again off again with us and you kept coming back so I believed you did love me.
The time you made me smoke a joint on the phone so you could listen since you are a federal narcotics agent and can’t do it you wanted to hear it. So you begged and begged and begged me to smoke one so you could listen. Then, after I did, you laughed and said ‘you’re such a stupid dumb fucking whore’, you said it twice, then hung up.
All the times you made me recount the details of my sexual encounters throughout my life because that made you get off. I told you I hated story time and I didn’t like it but you always insisted. Tell me about a cock you sucked is what you’d always ask… tell me about someone who you fucked. Tell me how much you liked it.
All the times you would ask me ‘how many cocks did you suck today’… then you’d say ‘let me have my little joke where’s your sense of humor’ as if anyone would ever like being asked that question daily.
The time you came with me at the beginning of our relationship to my father’s cabin and as we fell asleep you popped an ambien, like you always did before sex, and then you whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not going to recognize yourself when I’m done with you’
You didn’t like my clothes, always said I had to show off my figure more. Then when I did, you treated me like a whore. I couldn’t win. The endless double binds. Now you’re dating a girl who looks like your sister and dresses like a man. It’s odd and I feel bad for her.
The times you always wanted to watch me have sex with someone else. I thank god daily I never allowed you to talk me into that. I thank god daily. But I still resent the incessant asking…
The time you came on my face then slammed it into the bathroom mirror and told me to ‘lick it off’… of course it was followed by ‘whore’. That was the first time I ever allowed anyone to do that. You knew it was my first time, and it was not fun. I’ve hated it ever since.
The times you would roll your eyes when I didn’t want to tell sex stories
Then you would ignore me. Say everything was fine and I was crazy and I’m not remembering anything correctly. You would always say I took everything out of context. I ‘misread everything and my regurgitating incorrect historical fantasies proves I’m nuts.’ you’d say.
All the times you would make fun of my friends. I had to spend endless amounts of time with your friends and family when they were in town but god forbid I go out with mine or that you spend time getting to know them. Funny how you never had any new friends in town and that the only people you called friends were all your friends from back home. Odd. No real friends here and never made any effort to make any either, and always said mine were idiots.
The time when you called me from a blocked number so I could listen to your new girlfriend having sex with you. I subpoenaed my phone records. I know it was you. You are sick. That poor girl. Maybe I should tell her. I have a recording of the call, maybe I should show it to her?
I’ve lived a pretty normal life. Solid upbringing, good family, good boyfriends and relationships for the most part. One that cheated but I feel everyone goes through that at some point in their dating life. Pretty normal. So part of my endless spinning is shame and guilt that I would ever allow someone to treat me or even talk to me this way. How did it slip in to a normal state of being? I don’t remember how it got to this point. It was so subtle. So discrete. And it’s all my fault. You did nothing wrong you’d say. It was all me. If I would only, if I would do this, or do that, or if I didn’t cry or get upset then…. it was always my fault.
As I recount these memories over and over and over along with many others, I keep asking myself how could you ever let anyone do that, say that!? And that’s the thing with this type of covert abuse… it’s slow, subtle, it sneaks in… and you don’t see it. It’s precluded with an onslaught of warmth, real love, excitement, joy, happiness and plans for the future. Then, slowly, one comment at a time. Crossing one boundary at a time until you wake up one day after crying in your bed for four months and realize what really was going on. Then it becomes less about the abuse and more about how you let it happen. Then the shame, guilt, embarrassment sneaks in.
Suck
How many cocks did you suck today
Tell me about a cock
Tell me you like being a whore
Say you’re a whore you stupid slut
You’re wrong
You’re making things up
I never said that
Good whore
Are you delusional
You know you want to let me watch someone else ram you
Did you stop and suck on a cock on your way home
Are there any cocks you sucked you didn’t tell me about
I was afraid to tell my therapist last year what happened. Who would ever let someone treat them that way. But I loved you and I wanted you to be happy… you were supposed to want the same for me. Like we did in the beginning. Back when it was so perfect for so long… it used to be so good. How did it get to this point. The worst part as I write this is knowing that you’ve never given me a single second thought. We talked about marriage, a family, moving in together. YOU talked about all that. And now I’m not even a passing thought in your mind. That’s the part that hurts the most. No final discussion, no apologies, no good-bye hugs. Just a shrug of your shoulders and a shimmer of a thought about a whore you once dated. I feel so badly for your new girl. I know what’s happening to her behind closed doors. All the promises, the warmth, then the darkness. The double binds. The endless double binds and the sound of your condom drawer being opened.
I could always see how insecure you were. Most insecure guy I’ve ever dated. Maybe that’s why you need the sexual dominance and debasement. Maybe that’s why I allowed it, because I wanted you to feel like a man, it made you happy. Somehow it makes you feel finally in control of your own sexual abuse, if that ever even really happened.
76 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 63”
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I wish I could hold you and make things better for you Danny. This is terrifying. Sending Love and healing to you.
Omg you dated my ex to???
This is almost verbatim, things he said and did. I had written down, my recounting of it all, and it just amazes me how it parallels your story!
What do they have a collective conciousness?
Hi Danny
When I read your letter this was my thought:
The girl that endured that is not you in totality. She is a part of you who came forward to protect and show the educated, beautiful, girl that cares but suffered from extreme hope-the REAL Danny, that the world has more to offer her than a complete monster for a husband or a father to your children. Dont be ashamed of her. Be grateful to her and honour her for protecting you enough to maintain the courage to come forward to acknowledge that is not love. Love her as you would love a child-as she loves you. Protect her and never allow her to be called to service to be abused again.
That’s beautiful narc angel.
I agree Jasmine. Beautiful words and sentiment, Narc Angel, and very insightful. I hope Danny and other survivors treat themselves with as much gentleness, patience and honour as possible. This acts like an antidote to the poison that narcs infect them with. Logic and knowledge open our minds and eyes, but genuine loving care and honour soothe and replenish our traumatised hearts and souls and help us to see we need to honour our own selves.
Danny, I admire your immense courage in sharing your story, and I know your story will help many people put an end to their abuse. The shame is not yours to wear, so please don’t try it on. Free yourself from its chains – a beautiful life is waiting for you.
That moved me! Thank you for sharing.
“I wanted you to feel like a man, it made you happy”…so much meaning in that simple statement.
Danny,
My hearts hurts just reading this letter. I do thank you for writing it.How do we let this happen to us?
We don’t “let” it happen. It is done to us, tiny bit by tiny bit, by a person we trust because we think they love us, and we do love the person we thought they were, we think we are helping them deal with their hurts.
Instead, they no longer feel those hurts, but do seek to reinflict those hurts on those closest to them.
I do believe that they dump their victimization on those closest, because they cannot be the victim. They must control, or they will be controlled, is their mindset. To be controlled is to be annihilated, so they must annihilate their victim with control over the victim.
The cruel gift the narcissist gives, is the lesson that not everybody has a good heart at their core, and we need to abandon that belief, as painful as that is.
But what they say about us is lies. You are not what he calls you. You are not what he forces you to do. You are not a degraded person, but the Narcissist must make you so in his mind to maintain his tenuous hold on his superiority.
I do recall those days of sitting on the back porch, coffee and cigarettes,never dressing in more than a ratty bathrobe, staring into space, crying, just vegetating with that thought, over and over: what the hell happened to me? how did I let this happen to me?
Yeah, I’m not “full speed ahead, and damn the torpedoes” just yet, but I am getting there. We are all on this journey with you,at different milestones and at different paces. I see you can remember yourself. You’ll get there. too.With self love and understanding, you will move on.
Wish it could be now and instantaneous, but this didn’t happen to you in an instant. It will take time to recover, bit by bit, as it took to bind you into his “mess”.
Dear Danny,
I wish for you to know you are educated, you are tall, you are beautiful, you know how to be successful. You can care. You can feel. You can have hope. And your outlook will become that you now have a better future.
Much love and hugs,
Perse
Hi danny,
When a victim allows such horrible abuse, it is always linked to her childhood. I assume u were not loved as a child as u needed to be, thus u allowed it, slowly and gradually. My heart goes out to u. It must have been difficult to write this letter, but u did it danny! A big hug to u sweety💗
So now I wonder: are all somatic narcissists sexual sadists in some way?
No.
heartbreaking … my tears fall reliving so many sexual harassments that I allowed, those that at first seem imperceptible, to which I gave way … and that finally leave you hard wounds to heal … how to caress your soul from a distance Danny? how to tell him that he is not alone and that he is not the only victim of such horrible abuse, he does not feel ashamed to give in, we are involved in a false love of which we do everything possible to prolong at the expense of ourselves .
Danny, I am so sorry for that. It was a difficult read, but enlightening. My Nex was similar. He told me about certain sexual acts that I had never heard of before and he said dirty things to me after engaging in sex. You can heal and move forward and hopefully forget. xx
You have gone through a lot of things my dear. That doesn’t mean life ends here, focus on the good things, start meditating, it helped me a lot.
Sending you hugs ❤️
Dear Danny
Your letter is so heartbreaking that I don’t even know where to begin. You are a beautiful person, you didn’t deserve this horror and you are blameless. If I had a magic wand, I would wave it around and make it so this never happened to you. Wherever you are in this big-wide-world, I hope you stay here and heal from the nightmare that you endured with this monster. I am truly sorry he did this to you. With kindness and warmest regards, K.
Danny, this is a mantra copied from one of hg’s books. It may help you to print out and tape it to your mirror..
1. He never loved me.
2. I loved an illusion.
3. He cannot be fixed, cured or redeemed.
4. He knew what he was doing and enjoyed doing it.
5. It was not real.
6. It was not real.
7. It was not real.
Say it often. Until you understand and believe it. As hg says: “The sooner you grasp these concepts the quicker you will recover. ”
I think there is a lot of merit in that. We need to let go of what we thought and believed to be the truth – and REALLY understand that our truth was slowly warped. There is no shame in believing in the best of someone. xo
Danny, so brave a letter.
He was horribly demoralizing to you.
A sexual sadist.
You are correct, he felt powerless and he harassed your love and desire to please to empower himself sexually.
He will never be fullfilled.
You can be.
This letter is your release, a new healthy beginning.
His shame, is not yours to wear.
Hello Danny,
It takes enormous courage to write about the atrocities you suffered at the hands of that vile and repugnant beast. It must be hard to speak about all those humiliating and degrading acts you endured. I am so sorry you have been through this hell.
“…The time you came with me at the beginning of our relationship … and then you whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not going to recognize yourself when I’m done with you’…”
You can see his abuse was planned from the very beginning. If someone tells you such a thing, believe them and run. It was not something that just developed in the course of the relationship. They start testing our boundaries in a subtle way, one step at a time, and if we give in, they go for more until they have full control of our thoughts and our lives. There was absolutely** nothing** you could have done to stop him or to minimize the abuse. This is why the only way out is to cut off all contact with them and stay out of their lives.
“…good boyfriends and relationships for the most part. One that cheated but I feel everyone goes through that at some point in their dating life. Pretty normal….”
No, this is not normal. Healthy men who love and respect you will not betray you because they know this is wrong and will not want to hurt you. If there is something wrong, they will let you know about it. Both of you will either work on the relationship if there is something to be repaired or you will decide to put an end to it.
Healthy men do not call you names, do not put you down, do not humiliate or degrade you. They treat you with respect. If they ever do something wrong, not only will they sincerely apologize for their mistake but they will also change their behaviour.
The answer to why we choose disordered people to share our lives is in our primary caregivers. There we will find our original wounds and what makes us predisposed to being abused.
You are not to blame for what he has done to you. All the atrocities speak about him. He kept you imprisoned by controlling your thoughts. You say you still see him everywhere so you are afraid to go anywhere. You can get out of this hell. Your body was violated (and you will be able to heal) but your soul (your core) is intact.
I am glad you found this website Danny. Now you know the why and how and, more important, how to stay out of this abuse. Don’t feel bad about yourself. Time will heal. I could never imagine that I would get over this (him), but I did. Go or stay No Contact and distract yourself, doing things that make you happy. Take care Danny. Big hug to you.xx
A very very strong, impressive and powerful text, Danny!
The narcissist I am/was involved with went through similar patterns of abuse with me, though part of it only fantasizing on whatsapp…
Urinating on me… (reality)
Calling me whore and slut… (reality)
Shaving me bald-headed…. in reality!!!
Forcing me to drink lots of alcohol and piss it out sitting on a chair while he is watching… (fantasy)
Destroying my clothes before having sex with me…(reality)
Wanting to watch another guy having sex with me… (Why on earth do they want THAT???) (Fantasy, Thank god!)
Wanting to watch me while he is having sex with another woman…(fantasy, Thank god)
I admire your strength in telling your story!
Hello URC!! Nice to see you back. This letter hit me the hardest out of all them. Finding yourself on the receiving end of such dehumanizing psychological abuse. I believe these men dangle whatever it is you hope most for in your relationship, whether a move with a fresh start in a new state, marriage, a baby, and use that as the leverage to have you “listen” and follow their commands in pleasing them, while they continually fail you and lead you to believe you’re the cause of the goals and hopes not happening.
Like you, some of my experience, was done during “fantasy” talk, but starting to emerge more in person. It never starts off that way. It was a year 1/2 to two years before he starting asking for some really dark things. But getting called a slut or whore was becoming commonplace.
It’s done so gradually, at first you think you’re just having some extra naughty sexual play. Surely they know you and your heart and couldn’t possibly really think you are really a slut or a whore. But then somehow you feel like you are spinning in a wheel to prove to them you really aren’t those things, yet you are “listening” to be good and compliant and going along because you still get respites with loving or affectionate behavior. It is completely demoralizing. I experienced snippets of this and am so relieved to be the hell away from it.
I found Analise13’s comments very comforting below “he harassed your love and desire to please to empower himself sexually”.
I wish I could warn whoever ends up with my Narc next, but I know that is a waste. I never lived with him, but if this is what is referred to as a sadistic streak, he definitely was trying to cross that threshold with me. It was not to this extent, and that was painful enough.
Clarence,
Annaliese’s comment could easily say:….
“he harassed your love and desire to please to empower himself”
..and be true for us all.
The sadistic side shines through when you SEE that they really want to hurt you … It can be because they admit it. You can hear it in their voice, see their actions or the hatred shining in the deep dark pit of the eyes. Evil incarnate
Clarece,
I did not know he used those words towards u and he started asking for dark things. I am really sorry.
I am v glad u r free frm him now. Hugs!
You are admired as well. More reality than fantasy. Hadn’t you escape they would all be realities.
I hope and pray we know our value and worth, we are still role models to our youth and ourselves..
Love doesn’t hurt, its not confusing, treat ourselves the way you expect others to treat us. Be our own examples.
Hugs and lots of love..
My Shero’s…
Awww beautiful Danny Belle I feel so bad for you I wanted to write you again. He is broken. You are healing. He will always be broken. Only the broken do these things to others. He is the one in that cage not you. Xoxo
This guy is a piece of shit little man. What a freakshow he is. It is amazing how unsexy sex can be.
What I admire and respect the most is the strength of spirit. To experience the horrible event/s and then survive having a balance after that is what that differentiates a mere human from a superhuman.
You don’t see your own strength and a balance now, Danny, but believe me, they are definitely there.
Don’t be ashamed by your horrible experience. Many women were/are abused in a such way, unfortunately. You aren’t alone. Don’t be silent. Talk. Share your own experience with other women who were in the same situation. Get rid of the “poison”. That’s what you do need right now. And then your own very good and very healthy (!) spirit will finish the job. Everything will be alright, girl. You’ll shine and smile again soon.
P.S. “…Maybe that’s why I allowed it, because I wanted YOU to feel like a MAN…”.
I guess, you all understand what that really means, dear girls… Not red, but SCARLET flag.
Danny, It was very brave of you to write this letter! I imagine it all came back to you with each sentence you completed. I am so Sorry for all that you had to endure! Please be good to yourself, stay with all the wonderful people on this blog, they will not judge but will support you. Please reach out to HG! As much as I tease and torment him he knows without him I wouldn’t of gotten through this. So yes I’m telling you to trust a narcissist! But not just any narcissist! He has helped more through his blog, books, and consults then any Dr., or counselors out there. You will get through this, your beauty will return, but most of all your heart will heal and you will once again find peace. I will keep you in my prayers. 🌷
Hi danny…first off giving you a (((hug))) you need it and lots of love from people who care about you. Youve been thru an awful lot!! Please do not for one minute blame yourself bc its not about blame its about understanding. Understanding why you would allow this. When you mentioned covert i was shaking my head bc this is outight overt abuse. This man physically and sexually assaulted you. Thats not covert. The things he did to you are some of the worst ive read about 🙁
You had a happy home life growing up? Did both your parents show you love and respect? Im asking bc it scares me to think this can happen without there being something that lead up to you needing someone like this so much that youd allow him to hurt you in the most unimaginable ways. Why did you need and want him so much? You couldnt of had any self esteem to have endured this. I know its gradual and these narcs push thru boundaries one at a time but urinating on you?, slamming your face into a mirror?, mashing your face on the floor? Please look really deep into why you allowed this. Its not blame bc weve all allowed the abuse and its not about blame its about why would we allow ourselves to be abused this way. His abuse wasnt covert it was out and out domestic in your face abuse. He put his hands on you and forced you to physically do things and he degraded you to your core. Step outside of your body and view what happened to that woman what do you feel? Shes not you shes someone else? Do you feel sympathy for how she was treated? Do you think she deserved that? No she did not! That womans you! You did not deserve to be abused that way.
Dont ever ever allow another person to do this ever again to you.
My heart goes out to you danny and i hope youve seeked therapy bc what youve experienced is major trauma. Be good to yourself and surround yourself with people who treat you with dignity and respect ❤ all the best to you!
Ty fir sharing bc this mustve been hard to relive xo
Narc affair. 💞 you made me cry. It can happen gradually. And I can’t speak for Danny, but I know that *I* made excuses. And tried to be strong. Our abuse was different.. But very similar at the core. (((((Danny))))) I’m SO sorry. You aren’t alone sweetheart. Always know that. Okay?? Xo
We are know here…he is a Fucking piece of scum…….
What says HG Tudor on this case? Were you ever this horrid? This narc sounds more like a psychopath
My views regarding the letters Elyse will appear in due course.
I can relate and I am sorry such a pig had you. My husband used to get off listening to me relive my.rape.story because he wanted to know if his c**k was bigger than the other guy. It is absolutely disgusting to think about this now and to see him as he is in his disgusting evil glow. I pray you find peace. I have the same issues as you describe. God is the only peace I have
Is it just me or other people see that this blog is the document that if true represents a case of punishable offense for torture and abuse? The author is a fugitive and the victims including the authors of the letters he publishes should come together and build the legal case against him. As an externality, you will also test his supreme qualities of “omnipresence and omnipotence.”
From what he publishers, he appears to continuously abuse (and enjoy doing it) trust of those vulnerable, lacking confidence or otherwise caught up in a complex life situations. Women who exhibit some level of self-confidence do move on. And those who never look back don’t even write the stupid letters. Hence, the “omnipotence” is a false construct along with “absolute power” – both are generalizations beyond imaginable and when corrected, reveal that the king is naked.
Ann
So then why are you here? What does it matter to you?
Agent provocateur?
Looking for fuel?
Careful, your lack of empathy is showing…
I feel that some of these letters are new beginnings for some. Writing about your experience can be very therapeutic. Some of these stories have never been told because some are too ashamed, dont have a strong support system, or have been made to be perceived as crazy by the perpetrator.
Nobody’s being forced, they submit and write when and if they feel like it.
Correct. The idea was to enable people to have a voice where it has been denied, to enable them to articulate their thoughts on the basis that the letter would NOT be sent to the narcissist but nevertheless this is what the person wants to state, to allow other readers to offer their observations and in due course for me to respond with how the narcissist would react IF the letter had been sent.
Do you know how you are going to format your responses with over 60 now? Are you going to number them out with a few sentences in your thoughts or run them again at some point with your comments posted?
I do.
You will see when I do it.
HG, I already know what mine would say. The fact that years later I am on some blog discussing the matter with others would only be proof in his mind that I was obsessed and suffered from emotional problems that stemmed long before I met him. He would wash his hands of all of it. He is the victim.
Are you saying that all the letter writers are connected to hg? That’s a wild assumption if true
The only connection they have to me is that they are readers of my blog. None of them know me.
He already admits that he is an abuser
Jasmine,
Nobody following this blog is at risk of being abused by HG, nor have they been.This blog is a part of his therapy and a service to those who have been affected by NPD abuse. You should be able to find the disclaimer explaining this.
Sophia,
I think you misunderstood my reply. I did not mean to imply he abuses US.
An HG quote from May:
“I do not choose an abuser as my victim because I am the abuser”
The point I was trying (apparently unsuccessfully) to make: He already admits what he is, there is no subterfuge.
Sorry for the confusion.
Ann
Why are you so angry?
Ann
Yes. Its just you.
Ann,
Did you even read what this blog was about? Scratch that, dumb question. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you didn’t intend make an ass of yourself. It is probably not a habit of yours to comment on topics that you haven’t mastered. You’ve successfully exhibited your ignorance regarding the dynamics of narcissistic personality disorder. Do you want a gold star ⭐️ because you haven’t had the pleasure of being raised by narcissists or been in love with one….because you can show up on this blog and claim to be so self-confident?
I’ll have you know that therapists encourage letter writing without actually sending them to the intended recipient as a therapeutic exercise.
We’re all healing here, HG included. My self-confidence will improve and so will everyone else’s following this blog. You’ll probably always be the same person inserting negative opinions without a lick of empathy.
The audacity you have….and others just like you…I’m so over it.
Now, you can kindly Go f@ck yourself Ms.Self-Righteous-Ann
Sophia
Although I do not agree with Ann…. she was just expressing her opinion. No matter how wrong she might be she has the same rights you do. To be honest after reading your class act going off speech….I am left with the feeling that you are a bit self righteous yourself….just saying! Even though Ann’s comments we’re probably totally wrong reading your reply just pissed me off! The Gold Star comment was just going to far seriously. Oh and the Go f@ck yourself! Wonder how you would feel if someone said that to you miss priss!!! I bet your prissy in real life huh? Gold Star! Sorry just expressing my opinion sense you got to tell us how you really feel! The bottom line is we are all on this blog trying to understand what the fuck happened to us!
RealitySetsIn,
I find it interesting that the things you took away from what I posted in response to Ann were that I’m “self-righteous” and a “Miss Priss.”
My perception was that Ann was not on this site as a victim so I perceived her as judgmental and critical of HG, myself, and everyone else with the lacking self confidence and complex life situations comments. To me, it felt as if she had never been a part of the dynamic and was insulting those of us that have.
The intent behind my comment was to stand up for myself, HG, author(s) of the letter(s), and the victims on this blog. I’ve put up with more than my share of criticisms, judgments, etc. in my 37 years and I imagine that everyone I felt defensive over has too.
When you call me self-righteous and Miss Priss, I must say, is a change for me. I’m almost certain you meant it as an insult, yet it was almost a compliment as odd as that may seem. I’m used to defending everything I am as a person, ruminating, and never feeling good enough.
Somehow, and I’m not even sure how to explain it….you’ve reminded me how funny perception is….and to consider looking at myself through other lenses besides my own and all the narcissists I’ve had in my life. 🧐🤓
⭐️
Sophia
This story is so sad this so called man is the lowest of the low I’m lost for words I went through a similar experience with an ex but not nearly as bad I know what it feels like to not want to get out of bed I hope you find healing and don’t blame yourself anymore none of this was your fault
The letters to the narc is my fave feature on this blog but this letter made me cry. I am very sorry for what you went through and still going through. You are still a beautiful woman made perfect by God and no reject loser narc will ever dim your light. I can relate to doing anything so that the Narc won’t leave. That left me with a lot of shame as well. Each person brings out a character trait in us. With the narc they bring out ugly traits that we didn’t even know existed or were capable of enacting. You are exhausted and need to rest. It’s ok if you can’t make it out to the supermarket. Baby steps. Little bit at a time. I hope you have some support system. I remember being in such a state of anxiety and depression and someone saying to forget about him and think of the poor Syrian refugees instead. For someone who has never been through this it is very hard to understand what it is like. Keep going to therapy and keep reading HG. I tried everything. Therapy, antidepressants, yoga, praying novenas, smoking weed. They all work great. One thing I did change was stop drinking and stop social media. It helps clear the fog, and makes you see things realistically – he is not a man, and nothing you can do can make him feel like a big strong sexy man. He is a lost soul, living a life sentence in his own hell. He cannot feel for anyone- his mother, sister , grandmother no one. I asked my narc once what he would do if anyone ever treated his daughter (19 yrs) as badly as he did to me or worse – what he would do? He was absolutely blank. He had no reply. Think about that. They are just machines. Appliances as well. No feelings.
Hugs and prayers to you tonight. Xoxo
Mannnn! Sounds more like an abductee situation then a relationship or boyfriend. This guy sounds like an abductor who has his victim chained in the basement while he abuses her. This does not sound at all like a relationship. Sounds like a hostage situation. Because I can promise any freak on earth that if you pee on me and I’m not in an actual cage or chained with actual chains, I am out of there! Sorry but I fear the man in this senario would be in danger! Just sayin! I can only imagine the fury that would ignite within me and the pure hatred that would befall his slimy ass existence and he would be wishing he NEVER met me! Fucking promise! To God!
RealitySetsIn,
We all have things we wouldn’t put up with, or might. I read a letter about myself (to someone else) that described me as “someone that would probably deny it if he had thrown a brick at my head” … harsh, but pretty accurate.
The sad thing about abuse: it sneaks up on you. I think hg describes it well (can’t remember which article) but he states plainly: the abuse wouldn’t work if they just came out and smacked someone (sic) It’s the whole package. The seduction, the magical golden period, THEN the devalue and abuse. It is slow, it is insidious, and yes.. It is cruel.
Jasmine,
True once your cognitive dissonance occurs. A person doesnt know if they are coming or going. Its like living in a fog or hazy state. I can easily say if he’d pissed on me i would have done this or that. But, I stayed after broken nose and black eyes lots of physical abuse and the covering up was worst. Lying about the visible scars. Imagine no respite, just continuous abuse.
I have come off as victim shaming in the past. It takes a lot of courage to reveal these most heinous acts. No one should make her feel shame about her experience.
What Danny need is love, support, resources and tons of cyber hugs.
Danny, I admire your strength to put your story together in such a heart wrenching way and maintain your dignity and respect. Turning your mess into a message that i know will help thousands of young women and men around the world.
May the next chapter in your life be filled with all the love and joy your can hold.
Jasmine
I am sorry to hear that you went through that. Im not in any way trying to judge the author of this letter. So sorry if it came off insensitive or like I was judging. I will say to read this letter did however enrage me to the Narc who performed these deeds and although it is true that I have not experienced that level of evil in a relationship thus far doesn’t mean I don’t feel for this author. Indeed I do feel for her and would have probably done all of the things I said but thats only speaking for myself. Me imagining myself in that scenario.So yeah was just overcome with fury when I read it. But no I do not want to be insensitive or judgmental.
Realitysetsin,
Thank you I will survive.
I totally understand what you are saying. Sometimes when I read these posts by hg I just want to scream!.. and the letters.. they are sooo painful. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating, all at the same time.
Hopefully we all will heal, in due time. I worry about the ones still involved.
Best wishes to you ❤
Yolo
I am not in any way victim shaming! So save the guilt trip, its wasted on me! As I said to Jasmine I was simply describing what I would do in the situation and moved with fury at the Narc. So if your comment to Jasmine was trying to take a jab at me then its a wasted effort. I know what I meant by what I wrote and I was not in any way feeling any negative feelings towards the writer of this letter. I am not in any way trying to insinuate that I would be a better or less better victim!…..ANYWAYS!!!
Danny,
The degradation you have endured is abominable.
Wishing you love, healing & wholeness.
Thankyou for sharing your story. That took courage.
Forgive yourself, the shame belongs to him.
I am very sorry that you have experienced such horrible abuse. This is not your shame to carry. It’s his. The feelings of guilt, shame and humiliation are his. He just doesn’t want to face them.
I hope that you will continue with therapy (if you have stopped going) and I hope that you will be able to move on and find peace and happiness.
So sad. So very sad…I’m sorry for you Danny. You have suffered enough. Please, don’t ever go back….
Hello Danny,
this is a very good letter.
You will get out of this state as slowly and gradually as you have gotten into the abuse. I know it seems like it will never happen or will take forever, but it will with time.
I understand, I know, how it is with the anxiety when going to the store, e. g.. I takes small steps. I’m often surprised when somebody is just being friendly to me out there … but there are nice people, more often than not.
I didn’t trust anyone, didn’t dare to go anywhere … and when I did, I often got disappointed and hurt. Just remember that you can (learn to) deal with it, and also that noone can read your thoughts or see the inside of you.
You can find safe places, even if it’s for a very short while. I, just for example, felt safe with my raja yoga (that is meditation, which I highly recommend) teacher. There were other people at that place, too, who were not good for me, but I knew they couldn’t get to me there. So I learned that it is possible to go out there again for a short while, and with time I went to other places, too.
I once took a huuuuge step and told a “friend” about what happened, and he blamed me, believing the exnarc, not me, which didn’t exactly renew my trust in other people. But we can all learn to deal with it; and not to feel down etc. because of stupid people. The more you understand about narcissistic ways, you won’t have to react anymore.
I had to learn to talk to myself very nicely, to be gently with myself, to take one step at a time, to encourage myself, … sometimes I even told myself that nothing had been real, only a dream, …
There are some tools and tipps out there, I’m sure you’ve seen yourself stuff on the internet. To me, it’s just important to remember it at the right time, like, to take a reminder with me. Also, to tell me on bad days, that it is only for 30 minutes that I had to go to the store, promising myself a reward, …
I have learned to evaluate new people, to see and to test, who I can trust; I also have learned that bad guys have no power over me.
You will, too. Sometimes, it really takes courage, but with each successful step, it gets better, it’s a learning process. My boundaries are sky high now, but I decide now consciously, who I let through.
I also did some confrontational therapy so to speak, for myself, as this is one method to cope with anxiety. Like, asking the exnarc about stuff, calling him out, confronting him … going to an event where he was, too, even though I felt sick with anxiety. I also met and tested other narcs in a safe way.
I know, this is easy to say, but over time, I also did stuff again I used to enjoy, and didn’t do anymore after narc, like dancing, jogging, … I suppose such activities seem far away, out of reach at the moment, but you will get there.
I think you’ve done a very good thing to write about your experience, and feelings, and how you feel now and to share it. I hope, you will get your sense of self, and power, and control back soon, as you know yourself: that scum of the earth is not worth it. I’m sure you must find him a very low creature by now, you are so much stronger and infinitely better. So, try to give yourself some love, and be gentle and patient with yourself.
In hindsight, I also think I really needed some time hidden away, it was also a phase of mourning, of understanding, of licking my wounds, … so, don’t be hard on yourself.
What you describe about your ex shows a very spineless person with no ability to stand stable on his own two feet at all. What kind of person would need to put someone else down that way? Obviously it took some effort to try to debase someone even lower than he is. You couldn’t possibly have known this before he showed this side of him, how could you have anticipated this … You trusted him in a normal way and then he dragged you down bit by bit, … that is his doing, nothing you had asked for, so, I hope that you won’t suffer any longer than necessary. That kind of relationship hadn’t been your choice, but you can choose now.
😔😔😇
Dear Danny,
Wow, what a great letter. Thank you for writing it and sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry you were treated that way. You deserved so much better. I’d like you to know that you are still educated, tall, beautiful and successful. No-one can take those things away from you, no matter what they do. He is the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed, not you. You hoped and trusted that things would turn out well if you did what he wanted. Please don’t blame yourself.
I could fully relate to your feelings of utter exhaustion and not having the energy to leave your bedroom where once you were hopeful, tenacious and full of life. Please know that your tenacity and hopefulness will return and you will regain your energy. When I felt hopeless and exhausted, I found it helped me to focus on self-compassion. There are some good videos on YouTube about self-compassion by Kristin Neff among others. Be kind to yourself and speak to yourself in the same way you would speak to a dear friend.
You’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions and to make matters worse, your memories are tinged with feelings of shame. It’s a double-whammy of emotional wounds that were inflicted on you.
You are not alone in asking yourself how you let it happen. It happens to so many and as you say, it’s slow, subtle and really sneaks up on you. I think it’s a lesson empathic people need to learn before they become aware of what narcissists are. Please don’t blame yourself.
Thanks again for sharing your story and all the best to you.
These are so difficult to read. Heart wrenching. I’m so sorry. You deserve better xo
Oh Danny! I so relate to your letter, your abuse, your guilt and shame! He was your only Narc? He’s certainly seems to be one of the worst sexual and emotional abusers!
My most recent Nex, my most damaging was very similar to yours. I once asked him why he called me a particularly vulgar name and he said, “because I can.” He was right. I let him. Accepting his abuse doesn’t make me a bad person; he’s the abuser! It makes me a good person with bad personal boundaries. Remember, they choose us because of our core Empathetic traits: trust, honesty, decency, equality, fidelity, tenacity, healing and love. Then they abuse us at our core!
I’m so very sorry you experienced that level of abuse! It is horrific, I know. I’m re-reading Exorcism and am finding it very helpful, 3 weeks post disengagement. It describes a process for deleting your Narcissist from your heart, mind and life. I pray we all find strength, resolve and peace after our Narcissists!
Oh no, Danny, when I read about your treatment, it infuriates me and vengeance springs to mind. He degraded you in the lowest form. I hope you recover quickly and well from your horrible experience with that animal. I often ask how people live in silence like this. His new girlfriend will experience the same as you!
I’m so sorry. I feel for you so much. Your story is so familiar. This guy really scares me. He legit sound like he will end up killing someone.
If he hasn’t already.
I’m so sorry, Danny. This enraged me. I’m so enraged that I can’t think straight – I hate, hate, hate this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s a shell of nothingness. And you’re a survivor…a beautiful survivor. Wish I knew you in real life, so I could hold you and let you cry, or scream…or just feel what you do, in silence.
You will always be special. You will always know how to care about others, and to love others. He could never take your beautiful soul away.
I usually avoid reading things like this, because I feel like I just can’t take it. But I felt I really needed to read your letter, and get through it — in case anyone I know (or encounter) goes through something like this. So you helped me take a step forward, in being stronger for someone else. Thank you, Danny.
You are so very brave.
Much love,
Caroline
You know what Danny? Your story makes me cry. I feel so sorry for you and for what you’ve been through. That’s horrible and soul wrenching sexual abuse. Your story really gets to me, I recognise a tiny bit of it (mine called me whore and slut as well in an accusatory way that had nothing to do with playing games together; and I was so devastated by those ugly words that I for awhile didn’t know how to undress again in front of him) and he liked sexual games as well, but we were both in on it. The thing though that touches my heart is that you saw his insecurity and his vulnerability. I did too. I wanted him to feel wanted, like a man, I wanted to protect him from himself. Who was protecting us?It’s so sad. I do hope you’re getting the help you need to get through this emotional disaster xx
And that picture; it reminds me of a large bird cage in a hotel here in Sweden where I used to stay sometimes with my ex. It’s this kind of decadent French style hotel and my ex used to jokingly threaten to place me in the cage if I didn’t obey him. I haven’t thought about that until now. Scary image.
Catherine,
Look up the movie ‘Focus…and the song…’White Bird.. ….
Patricia J,
I certainly will. I haven’t seen that movie. Thank you!
You are still educated. He can’t erase that. You are still tall. Hold your head up high for escaping this rotten piece of sh*t. Beauty can be restored with rest and a bit of self love. In time, away from that daily, degrading conditioning, your outlook will return as you can embrace peacefulness. You are still raw and coming out of shock as you process what you endured which was exhausting enough just trying to endure while living it.
That was a brutal existence. My heart goes out to you.