Getting Away With It (And What To Do)
There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?
- It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
- We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
- We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
- We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
- Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
- The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
- Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
- We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
- We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
- There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.
Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.
- Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
- The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
- We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
- Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
- The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
- Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
- The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
- Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
- You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
- It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.
It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.
The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.
40 thoughts on “Getting Away With It (And What To Do)”
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Jesus. The accuracy of this is unreal. Narcs really are predictable once you have the information.
Thank you!!
Hello Betrayed,
I understand what you mean.
I wouldn’t really call them predictable….but instead rather volatile since they are ALWAYS changing the rules of the game ( well at least the upper schools).
The difference perhaps now is by knowing how they function , you can recognise/sense the game a narcissist is trying to drag you in ..so the best is when recognising it :not entering the game at all in the first place!
Agree. I never know exactly what the move is. I have become masterful at not being blind sided though. Which in turn, allows me to emotionally prepare and resist engaging.
Betrayed,
That sounds just exactly as the right strategy …the right way to go..
just adding: and if you happen to be entangled you know now that
you have to leave the game, no more ifs,whys…just leave the game
Yeah they get away with it for a while. It could be a long while for sure. Some people get wise to the fact that something isn’t right. The patterns (if they are known) they exhibit tell on them. It is like the revenge is self forming by their own actions. People that know them start to retract and avoid. Time takes it’s toll too. That young hot guy or girl is losing their edge as time takes its toll. Sure there are exceptions to the rules of nature but eventually it prevails no matter what you eat, how much you work out or the work of a surgeon.
It’s not the first time I have thought of this. Can I hire you to pretend to be a cute young female, set yourself up to be seduced by the weasel, get dirt on him, them extract exquisite revenge and destroy his life? Please, pretty please? Lol I will love you for life!
I guess that since it’s all about appearance, this explains some of the rage when I said, then go to all those people (he triangulated with) and get your love, money and friendship from them. One, a girl so poor and young, no way would she have anything for him. And I deliberately named a few who I knew got out of his life. Since I knew they were not in his life, I was mocking him even though he didn’t know I was aware they were out of the picture. When he knew it’s all a lie, and I said go to all those people, not me, then it must burn him to know they were out of his control and he was a fraud and I said get them to bw therr for you. Short lived rage, but boy, his rage was fierce. Go eat elsewhere I was saying, knowing he didn’t really have anyone that lined up.
Thank you! I shall read this one over and over!
Yes, I’m filing this one to reread whenever necessary.
It’s very helpful.
HG really understands what the deal is.
I agree Mara. HG is an excellent narcissist.
Yes, it is all smoke and mirrors.
I have found some measure of revenge and have the opportunity for more. It’s easy to become addicted to that very thing. Especially if you’re successful.
**for those that remember or were wondering, my Little road trip went off even better than I could have imagined. Got the title signed! He had wanted to go Christmas shopping & there was an awesome outlet mall nearby so we spent time doing that on what became the last day. Because he IS who he is, I saw a text from his daughter asking why he was staying extra days and “that it better not be to see xxx” he swore it wasn’t and that he’d even send her emails to his atty – the divorce was moving forward.
The mall had a beautiful Christmas tree in front of a gazebo and right about dark I asked another couple to take a pic of us in front of it. He was all smiles and (puke).
As soon as I pulled up to the B&B (wasn’t that sweet of him) He got out… I locked my doors, walked in, grabbed my suitcase, walked back out, where he was waiting for me to unlock so he could get his stuff & move it to his car.
I just unlocked my door, tossed my suitcase in, and drove off.
About 5 miles down the road, I sent the pic to his daughter and said “had the best 3 days reconciling – can’t wait to see you!!”
Then drove off into the proverbial sunset and left HIM to handle the fallout!!
PS on daughter… she is 21… and has tried to control him with survivor guilt since he and I got engaged. She was fine with us before that. She destroyed my wedding dress, accused me of knowing him before her mom committed suicide and that I am somehow to blame for that (I assure you – I didn’t know any of them), and made life as miserable as she could for us. Told him a month before our wedding “pick her or pick me.” She moved out after we got married and only moved back when she ran out of her Moms inheritance (I was gone by then) but told him she would only move in if he promised to divorce me.
So.. no, I didn’t feel bad about the pic.
Sending you a virtual fist bump 👊… followed with the big hand explosion 💥
HKGirl
You got the title signed, awesome! Nice revenge BTW and the daughter sounds absolutely ghastly. Excellent getaway, too. Your post has made me feel quite upbeat, thank you.
Hi hkgirl… wtg on your revenge! I cant help wonder about the daughter tho. It sounds like she was a victim of her father as well. Not to excuse the way she treated you but maybe she placed all the hurt and blame of her mothers death on you instead of focusing on her narc father. You didnt deserve to go thru any of the abuse you did but i cant help wonder about her bc losing a parent to suicide is horrific and especially if your other parent is a narcissist. It sounds like she shifted her blame onto you out of denial where it shouldve been placed which is on her father and maybe other circumstances that lead up to her mother taking her life. Very sad story 🙁
narc affair,
I was thinking the daughter may be a narcissist, too. Her behavior was definitely not that of an empath.
Hi k…its very possible the daughter is a narc as well. The fact she ruined hkgirls dress among other things. I cant help wondering bc losing a parent to suicide must be devastating and having a narc father. Ive seen it before where an individual under incredible emotional pain will deny the truth and instead place the blame on a scapegoat in this case hkgirl instead of her father or the actual reason her mother took her life.
narc affair
Yeah, I agree. It is difficult to ascertain and severe emotional trauma can cause a multitude of reactions. Either way, I am just happy HKGirl is out.
Very sad story . . . coming from a damaged suicide survivor. I hope that young woman gets lots of help. She deserves a good rest of her life . . . like I did.
No compassion for that poor young woman?
“but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.”
Yes, sir! I suspect I’m luckier than I realize. I could still be in his circle and dealing with his mind games and fuel needs.
“Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.”
Yes.
“but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.” This spoke volumes. I had been wrestling with the fact that he interacted with mutual friends on FB and why they couldn’t see that he was an illusion…and this one sentence cured that. Thank you, HG!
You are welcome.
Thank you for this, HG.
It’s been exactly a month after that last “savage strike” exchange, although the first significant discard was a year ago, and I was thinking precisely about this: how the narcissist always appears to be winning and moving on with his life with the new source of fuel as if nothing happened.
I’m still dealing with the HwH battle and grieving the death of an illusion, the death of what I thought our friendship was. But thankfully I have me and I love myself enough to know that it’s in my best interest to be without him.
A mutual friend told me when this last exchange took place that in her view, he would “forgive me” and admit me back into his inner circle if I apologized, praised him, etc. But I won’t be doing that – – my self-respect is more important than this phony and abusive “friendship”.
Yes, I have paid dearly and enough for that golden period.
I learned on my own that he would “forgive me” . I used to think, wow, he loves me so much that he would put our raging fights away and reconcile because he never wants to loose me. That “we went through” some serious shit and the reasons we keep coming back to each other was love. Hahaha. Joke was on me. The death of the so called friendship was very painful to go through as at the same time we were fighting, I was aware that had he meant half of what he had said, he would never have done what he did to me and risked “losing me” to begin with.
Last raging fight evolved out of a half year silence and a brief forgiveness period. Which he used to caringly plant in my heart that he was there for me, that anytime I needed to reach iut, he was there. But as I heard these words, what I never heard was he needed or wanted to reach out to ME. He was making sure I knew he forgave me and that he was there for me. Thereby turning all the energy towards him. And with the clear effect of showing me he didn’t need me or care about losing me as he had no intention of reaching out to me.
Oh yeah, the good old forgiveness cycle. As long as you submit and are subservient to them, Praise them, lower your eyes to them, treat them as little gods but they won’t ever give you a similar status again like they once gave you, that you were so important to thme before discard.
Good for you, Mara for not falling into the cycle of apologizing and praising . You are right…your self-respect is worth more. You go, girl!
Thank you, geyserempath
I love this article, every time I read it.. It is very clear and it concisely covers every notion of how it seems the narcissist gets away with it, from how the narcissist, him or herself, thinks and regards the devalued/discarded source and what they must do to trudge forward; to how other people view the situation and circumstances that dealt with the narcissist and the devalued/discarded source; to how the devalued/discarded source should regard these notions to best serve them and reinforce their logical thinking, rather than emotional thinking.. If one is really trying to GOSO, they should read this every single day until it is second nature to them.. Especially about how the narcissist seriously deletes a source from their mind unless they float into a sphere of influence.. That is very powerful knowledge to have–the fact they can effectively remove someone from their mind and being.. One should aim to be like the narcissist in this regard.. And everything, as far as removing the narcissist from their life, from there on out will follow suit..
Oh. Forgot to add:
Pet Shop Boys.
Yes, it is only appearance– otherwise they would not be calling you less than three weeks after their wedding!!
It is scary how much my ex behaved and believed this way. I appreciate your wisdom saying that their actions are not my business or my responsibility or fault. I truly can’t control what people believe or not believe about my situation. I can however control what I do to make my life better and separate myself from this experience, learn from it (big time) and move on. Thank you for shedding light on my confusion, HG.
Not our fault, but one of their tactics was to convince us it was. Until we fully see and forgive ourselves that it wasn’t, the wounds remain even if its just an undercurrent. And the low grade unhealed wound keeps us energetically connected to them. This keeps us ever so faintly working it out all of the time in our sub-conscience. Heal this at last and then we will really be free. I am struggling with this faint connection. Sometimes consoling the low grade hurt by revisiting the GP in my head. And that’s not a wise or good thing to do as its falling back into a dream.
This is one of your most helpful, insightful and empowering entries. You leave your pomposity of your usual prose and left something truly of value to those who need help. Proud of you.
This one gets my vote for the singlemost validating post ever.
Before I found Narcsite I experienced abuse tactics that I had no idea had names…love-bombing, gaslighting, absent silent treatment, shelving, preventative hoover.
I just called it “Getting Away With What He Can”.
Knowing I’m not the crazy one went a long way towards getting a grip.
I understand now that I’m dealing with a personality disorder but it does not excuse his behavior because of the fact that he CAN control it (relevant to school) for the sake of the facade.
It all comes down to what he can get away with.
HG, Great article. But I’m a little confused about the last sentence “It’s an appearance”. Are you stating that your entire life is an appearance. Or that your winning is an appearance. Do you feel that you are winning or you just pretend that you are winning?
It is all about appearances.
I am winning.
If its not true, and just an apearance, then can we count that if we never respond to you again, that our disappearance will eat at you on some level? How is it not reality (that you always get away with it) and just an appearance? An appearance of what, that you are getting away with it?
Brilliant, HG. Thank you for not only providing the symptoms of the disease we are dealing with, but also the cure.
Thank you HG. I feel I have a really good grip on all you’ve painstakingly laid out for us to understand with the narcissists in our lives after so much reading from your blog this last 13 months. But articles like this one, coming from you, really do help me to lower my rage and frustration about how I’ve been duped for ever by so many, including family.
I feel confident in knowing I can now deal with narcissists but it is their lieutenants that leave me drained. I still find it difficult to walk away from lieutenants when they are also people I care about. Watching them be dragged through the paces and being used by someone who has no real emotional ties to them leaves me feeling nauseous and frustrated. I just want them to know what I now know and to understand it in a way they can see the world and those in it for the first time. But again, articles like this do help.
“..that is precisely what we are all doing.. we continually make ourselves and our world up through the stories we tell ourselves and others.” – from an article on identity featuring Oliver Sacks
I think my identity faltered, and from that chaos, my narc ensnarement… I’m guessing that must be common.. (plus porous boundaries)
Through self-reflection, many of these characteristics apply to me.. just a question of degree.. and awareness.. and willingness (and ability) to change..
The only constant is change..