Surely That’s The End, Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
Wrong.
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
We will.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
18 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End, Yes?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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This is my second time leaving. I can see now that the first time that I left that I did things to enter those spheres – I kept in touch with people around him and sent them a picture of me happy with a new group of people. And then a couple days later I heard from him and although I still told him I wasn’t coming back I was more self-blaming back then and said it was all about me which is ironically how I felt. And then a year later one of his friends contacted me and I responded which so think my response started the next Hoover and suddenly I was back. What was the most difficult about this 2nd period was that I thought there was a moment of honesty in there – He had mentioned about wearing a certain teams jersey as a kid and I had worn the same jersey as well as a kid and I sent the photo to him and he didn’t send a photo back and said later that all kid photos make him sad. It didn’t feel like a ploy to make me feel bad – – it was the first time I felt like he was being honest. It just didn’t feel motivated or contrived or controlling like every other moment felt. It always seemed like a moment of connection was immediately followed by disconnection. But that time period quickly vanished and he began to devalue me. Gaslighting and lying every chance he could get. He said that I couldn’t make him feel guilt (which I definitely believed he was honest about but it still was also a way to devalue and not have to put up a facade anymore). So now that I have escaped the 2nd time I’ve been very careful not to enter one of those spheres of influence and I have not heard from him yet. I guess my question would be about fuel. Because he is definitely of the Greater Narcissist and has many people around him. Why is a blind admiration a greater fuel than understanding/connection?
Checking to get further understanding on the reply I wrote.
It says my comment is still under moderation. Is there something wrong in the way I phrased things? My main question was why is blind admiration a better fuel than a connection? If a narcissist knows that all people will end up proving to be imperfect to them and therefore devalued and that there is a void inside that is not met why is the pattern just repeated over and over again?
No, comments may be in moderation for some time based on my available time to moderate them and also if they are long and/or have questions.
We do not connect to you, we connect you to us which is why your blind admiration which arises from your connection to us is positive fuel.
With regard to your second question, the narcissist’s own emotional thinking overrides the logic and thus we see the new prospect as being “the one” and this time it will work, even though logic (which of course is not listened to because of the emotional thinking) states that the cycle will be repeated.
I appreciate you taking the time writing back. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was. So, in general, the goal is for you to have someone to meet your needs all the time and each new person has that potential. You select the person who best fits that with the side goal to have as many people as possible in a queue to meet your needs when that person is annoying you and while you look out for another person who could be “the one” and get even closer to fulfilling all your needs. Is that why once the devalue cycle starts that it never goes back to that “golden period” because you know that that person is not perfect and this can’t be “the one” (even though really no one can). I had two further questions when you have time.
1. I can see what you’re saying about making others connect to you. I can look back at those moments and see that. I would say 99% of my interactions with him were that way and i can feel that. BUT the thing he said about the children’s photos (that all kid photos make him sad) didn’t feel that way. It’s hard to explain but most of our interactions felt like him “taking” something from me, but this strangely felt like an admission of a weakness and an admission of me having something he didn’t and something he couldn’t take from me. Maybe it was about pity – but he did the pity thing more in a very pronounced way with a very determined goal. This didn’t feel like there was a goal but just a moment of being truthful amidst a sea of lies. Do you think that was real or am I just searching for something to apply meaning because that’s the only part that isn’t horrible to think about. That’s the only moment that felt different and not staged or planned. Other than that moment, I felt the most honest he was with me usually involved the devaluation process and showing his disdain for me and the mean things he would say like “You can’t make me feel guilty” and much worse stuff.
2. I wasn’t the primary source. I wasn’t the wife. I was a very highly regarded secondary source in his work that he would tell everyone how talented he thought I was – that was the “most purely talented person he ever met” – that was my identity in his larger group – but everyone had a superlative – One was the most loyal, another the best bro-friend, etc, etc, etc… he would make work promises that he wouldn’t come through on to the point that I left for the second time. He chased me down the first time I left but I still left. And stayed away for a year but then came back. He never was mean to me in the first time period. Just empty promises. But he was very mean the second time. And he didn’t call me at all this time. I’m trying to stay out of those spheres of influence and trying to learn so I can get on that “dry land” you mentioned. Of all the stuff I have read on Narcissism those descriptions of the different battles feels the most significant to me. Of trying to get logic to conquer the emotion. My last question is – you say that you guys feel like you own that person til someone dies. Why? If you know they aren’t perfect and can’t meet your needs – is it just to know you still have an effect? I just don’t get it. If the goal is to find the person who is “the one” – aren’t those others just a reminder it didn’t work?
HG, this is off topic but the image used for this article reminds me of a ‘selfie’ photo done by Vivian Maier:
http://www.indiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/vivian-maier.jpg
She has a very interesting story (a doc. has been done on her). Worth the watch.
I was hoovered a week ago; or at least I think I was. And I’ve felt pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything like that ever again so it goes to show. After six months of him holding on to my keys he just suddenly out of the blue sent them back. His intention must have been to make me sad, and make me contact him, and I was sad for a day or two, but it passed. I haven’t contacted him. He’s probably made copies anyway, but since one of the locks are changed they’re no use to him. I feel eerily strong.
Would this also apply to other sources (possibly an IPSS as there was extensive online interaction) or just IPPS?
I made it clear that i thought he was unwell (mentioned NPD), exposed most of his lies and manipulation tactics, urged him to get help.I have blocked him, but there are ways for him to reach me if he really wants to.
His last response amongst my last few messages was “f*** off.”
I think he might be a MRN, from what I have read here.
And if you don’t mind me asking, how have you been able to go back to a source that has exposed you? What method/tactic did you use?
Interesting. Do narcs research lame books like “ how to make anyone fall in love with you” or “ hot to read a person like a book”? I just wondered if their manipulation is in it or if they study on it. I’m guessing “neccessity is the mother of invention ‘ is more like it. ( they have to get fuel so they “learn how to hunt”….. but who’s the teacher? Satan?
Spellcheck – innate not “in it” and “how” to ….Talking to text… Too lazy to type anymore.
Our kind may well read such books (usually Mid Range) and invariably some of our kind write these books – it is not done from any dark perspective but rather the writers/readers believe they are looking to do a “good thing”.
HG, if you would be so kind and give me your thoughts – how would one of your kind feel if a shelved IPSS suddenly became very wealthy overnight. Many thanks.
It would depend on whether this information came to the attention of the narcissist, the school of narcissist, how this residual benefit fitted into the ongoing dynamic. Generally speaking for most of our kind, if the narcissist learned about this appliance’s sudden good fortune it would result in a hoover to take the appliance off the shelf and to engage with them again and most likely to tap into this newly acquired wealth.
Thank you for your time. x
You are welcome.
This article is always a good reminder.
thankyou!!!! beyond human comprehension
YAY! I’m FREE!