The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement
You have been dis-engaged from. The all too inevitable entanglement with our kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been dis-engaged from. Your emotions are raw as this event was only a couple of weeks ago.
To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?
Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.
What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective from which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.
As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the dis-engagement will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were dis-engagement from. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see 5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.
When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.
Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.
The Lesser
There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-
“Stop ringing me I hate you.”
“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
“Fuck off.”
“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”
The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.
If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has no interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.
The Mid-Ranger
If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-
“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”
“Stop stalking me.”
“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”
“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”
The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you’re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue as you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.
If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.
The Greater
It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.
Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-
“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”
(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)
“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”
“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”
“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”
This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.
When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.
If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confident that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.
Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been dis-engaged from and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.
36 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement”
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HG, from your writings, I’d assume my xnarc is Mid L or Greater but somewhat different than what you describe. On a weekend before Christmas a year ago, we’d returned to his house after being with his family and I gently confronted him about his lack of appropriate sexual boundaries which he’d again displayed. All seemed well at first, but then he flew off the handle demanding that I accept him as he was which meant his continuing to openly, although subtly, seduce people online and in person with my approval. As he was fed up with my confronting him and not trusting that he would never actually cheat on me-knowing he’d cheated with others-he began his tantruming and demanding that we resolve “my problem immediately”. My response to this behavior was to calmly look at him and sometimes attempt to placate him, but my lack of mirroring his emotional disintegration “destroyed him”. I understand why now from reading your site.
So he declared us finished because I would not acquiesce to his demands that night, and in the dark of the night, began to cry like a baby in my arms and tell me that our demise was payback for his being “what he was” and hurting so many before me. I did not fully understand what he meant at first. Never have I been so vulnerable and felt so safe. He maintained that I was perfect but “still nothing” and that we “just couldn’t work”.
The next morning we awakened and in my mind, we could have fixed things, but he began to yell at me about how I didn’t trust him, ripped covers off of me and threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave within 15 minutes. I broke down crying and threw my things together, heading out the door and he stopped me with solemn apologies which kept me there with him, both of us crying the entire day. *He later spent a lot of time talking about why we couldn’t work, most of it being about how I couldn’t be vulnerable and trust him wholesale despite his seductive behaviors, although he’d said we were perfect for each other the day before the break up. In fact, he’s spent the last year swinging between telling me we’re perfect for each other (despite his having moved on with new supply) and giving me excuse after reason about why it can’t work.
I was seduced by a Lesser Somatic (only words, never met him) and I am so relieved nothing ever came of it. His current source (that is not so new anymore) is 15 yrs younger than he, has 3 kids out of wedlock (one with him), no education, received 2 DUIs in 2017, so had to spend time in jail, (which means unable to drive to a daily job).
He has sort of become my distant experiment. I am just curious when he will shrivel up because he is now too old to attract good fuel, has a mediocre job, lives in a shitty small town and has at least 2 kids out of wedlock and is with a girl who has let herself completely go into the crapper. The fuel has to be brittle and dry by now.
Sidebar: kids out of wedlock does not make a woman a terrible person nor a man. I am intrigued by your post; but as an educated mother of 2..kids conceived .out of wedlock..you may offend some people here by implying that makes a person lowly. Regardless I’d be intrigued to hear HG response to this as I wonder this. People say narcs don’t get payback or karma? I’ve seen it myself.
There may be consequences for some of our kind, but that is not karma, it is as a consequence of a victim taking action and that action succeeding but it does not always.
Hello Elyse
All three of my children were born out of wedlock and I did not take offense at Bibi’s comment. I think Bibi is trying to figure out her narc and how the dynamic will play out regarding his fuel sources; she is examining all the variables that may impact his fuel matrix and out of wedlock children could possibly (or not at all) play a significant role.
You say that narc when disengaged forgets about you and move on – seduce new victim and so on. Ofc he may come back, but at the beginning of disengagement in his mind you doesnt exist.
But my narc is keeping tabs on me from the day 1 of this disengagement, stalking me online and acting jealous when he sees I’m talking to other men, he is very territorial and acts like I am still his or like he can’t come to terms with his own decision about breaking up.
Why is that?
Two possibilities :-
1. It is not a disengagement ; or
2. Malice campaign
Ok, why when my narc is out about and flaunting his multiple women he is sleeping with in my face and asking for a divorce does he keep returning to ensnare? He is the one who left, stayed gone and chose the divorce. Yet I had to file, pay for it and he is upset I am still gone from him even though he chose this reality
Thank you for the answear. Now I see that maybe he didnt mean to disengage but only wanted to punish me and force me to beg him. It came up unexpectably when I did something wrong and he gave me that speech “I cant see my future with someone who disappoints me and is so irresponsible” and I didnt beg him, I just agreed and told him I accept it and then I moved on. I think it was something he didnt expected. Maybe he now thinks it was me who escaped.
You are welcome.
Agnes,
I think that may be what happened in my situation. The escape was a little more violent, but in essence; he said it was over, I said fine, and when I tried to leave, he flipped
What about a type of punishment. Breaking it off to punish but not wanting to really break it off. More like sulking. It sounds like a sulk silent treatment disengagement.
I have no idea. 3 weeks ago he wrote to me saying “maybe im stupid because of what youve done to me but you are still important to me” and i didnt react. Yesterday he was stalking my social media and there was my male friend who was playfully teasing me and sending me some kisses. And my narc texted me “he is sick, ban him”. I replied it is none of his business and that i think its not healthy that he contacts me every few weeks cause we broke up and we need to move on. And he flipped, saying he just likes me as a friend and his “you are still important to me” was friendly and nothing more telling me i read too much into this. And he told me he is sorry thay he caused me pain. I think it was malice campaign. He wants me to hurt.
I told him I was hurt and why. I said I needed time to heal and went grey rock . Now he says he can’t take the isolation and is going to quit his job and leave. All after 17 years. Just throw it away. How heartless can one be?
I’m littlebit confused. I got devauled or “silent treatment” tested in formal relationship (long distance) I didn’t say anything or call . When I did I was told not to worry . Days later he ignored me . So I tried to escape blocked him and called him out for being a liar and more , contacted him again for his belongings . 2 months now we just had small interactions never positive . I told him about the stories I heard about him (him being bad news) and replied cuss words and blame shifting third party . Without emotion I told him I don’t care about both his and their stories and goodbye . He then asks politely if he could get his belongings. I let him know sure and now he ignores me again . Dis-engaged , devauled on the shelf , trying to halt me moving on ?. Haha I don’t know Maybe you can help me HG ?
What happens when the new primary source is not so new? Does the Lesser come to realize he is with low-hanging fruit? Does he regret the disengagement from the higher hanging fruit and think, ‘My God, why am I with this loser?’
Do you mean what happens when the narcissist has been with the new IPPS for some time? They will be devalued at some point. They will be painted black and indeed the narcissist may well question why they are with that person. There will be no regret however.
Yes that is what I meant. Thank you.
You are welcome.
No offense to you but is there a difference in a narcissist and just a run of the mill jerk?
No offence taken. Yes.
A run of the mill jerk can still have and express real empathy and concern for others. For example, can provide comfort to a close friend who’s parent passed away.
but how do you know if its sincere or just another tactic?
It may not be apparent right away, but over time, actions will match words with intent and not just be hot air.
This confuses me also because looking back on the 8 years we were living together, I see that I was discarded many times. Never more than 3 weeks tops but definitely discarded but he’d be back with me in the relationship, not replaced? So this area gets a little confusing as to what was happening?
Those may have been silent treatments and not disengagement.
Why is it: if you discard us, you want nothing to do with us…. but if we escape, you won’t let us alone?
1. If you escape you are rejecting our control, that must be stopped and addressed. You are also affecting our fuel matrix adversely (and other issues of the Prime Aims) and similarly these must be addressed. The most effective way is to halt your escape or end it and bring you back into the Formal Relationship.
2. When we disengage from you we have no need of you. Indeed, you are regarded as having let us down, a failure and a traitor and therefore we do not want to associate with you. Furthermore, we invariably will be focussed on someone new and we do not wish to use our time and energy towards you (unless there is a malice campaign) and we do not want you interfering in the new golden period with your replacement or other appliances.
So what of someone who keeps seeking you out when you have done everything to get away? Including moving to another state.
That individual evidently wants fuel from you and may also want to pull you back into the Formal Relationship and therefore is applying considerable energy to doing so by continuing the effort to locate you and engage with you.
In other words, get a restraining order against that stalker….
Thank you. That answers my question. It brings up the question (in my own relationship) : how these 2 scenarios can be combined? I experienced both. I think.
What about if you have been discarded many times and he keeps returning even if you don’t engage him. I think.im dealing with a lesser who refuses to believe what he is. However, he keeps trying to suck me back in.
If he keeps returning then there are evidently Hoover Triggers and the Hoover Execution Criteria is being met. How does he keep returning? You most likely need to assess your no contact regime and improve it.
We are still married. I changed my number, he sent his “lieutenant” after me. I blocked him, discarded social media and blocked him again. He found my number and messaged me again. I block him and then he sends me these texts at all hours of the night. I don’t respond, he sends from another number. So on and so forth. I am strongly considering a consultation via Skype with you to get a more in depth perspective. I have attempted to do what he does to me, i.e. discard. Text then ignore him in the past. It usually back fires but I believe my husband is either a sociopath or a lesser narc. There is a small chance he is a mid ranger. I am…a geyser empath? From what you describe. So being mean is really difficult. However, I am in my stage of being indifferent. Almost. If I order a consult, how quickly after placing it will it take place?
Dependent on your availability also, but usually within 1-3 days.