5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To Sign Off

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The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.

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22 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To Sign Off”

  1. The sign off ..it was cool, without emotion, with few words… followed by no contact for six months.. I was finally safe. Then a huge snowstorm the other day, and we were let out early from work. There is a large dark Ram truck I don’t recognize in front of my house with a trailor, but assume it is some guy clearing driveways. Then I hear, “Hey..hi” behind me as I walk to my garage. It is my ex…explaining how he happened to be in the neighborhood, clearing the older folks driveways, saw mine hadn’t been done, and he was just being “nice”. Then procceds to tell me all about his new beautiful truck, which he needed to haul his new 5 wheeler RV, which he then shows me pictures of proudly. I ask why the hell is he here and not down south traveling in his new RV. Oh, he says with a smug smile, “we” will be next winter. Meaning, of course, he and the new primary. I turn, I walk, I enter my house, I close the door. Was that a benign hoover, malign hoover, triangulation, or a combo of all three?

  2. HG- is it possible to hurt your feelings? Or is everything we do or say fuel? And, you are in treatment, correct? Is that just time spent manipulating your therapist? Can u learn to have empathy?

    1. You can wound us. Please read the books Fury and Fuel and see the article ‘Fight, Flight or Fuel’.
      I am yes. It is about increasing my awareness and achieving certain aims of mine.
      No.

  3. I’ve done all 5 . I think he is in a formal relationship with someone else and never cared much to talk to me . I kept contacting him . When I didn’t knew for sure what he was. Now I do but I think I did the sign off yesterday . When he disappointed me again with returning his possessions by ignoring and disappearing. Now they outside in my hall . Did send a short explanation and a goodbye before blocking him. I hope my no contact will stay intact . This all so confusing I don’t understand what he wants.

    1. What he wants? Whatever he decides he wants (and that will be unpredictable + selfish… you cannot anticipate it).
      What you want? To get away from him, because he *will* continue to hurt + harm you. Take care of YOU.
      Hug of understanding,
      Caroline

      P.S. Let this be your motto: “GOSO” < ("Get Out, Stay Out"…I know of what I speak…I engaged with my narcissistic former boyfriend, and he will *not* leave me alone now… it is NOT fun).

  4. You are my sign off, HG….I don’t need anything from him anymore. You’ve told me everything I need to know!! Thank you for saving me from wasting my time and effort, and from the humiliation of trying to seek answers from him.

  5. After a 1 whole year of breaking No Contact, with the exception of minor stalking of his social media. I broke my No Contact and failed once again to this lying, manipulative, comelian of a man. I finally came to the realization; I am powerless over my emotional thinking, HG. I am now full of regret and really embaressed of my actions.

    HG,

    1. My question to you is, how do I get my emotional thinking under
    controll

    2. How do I controll my emotional thinking?

    – xoxo

    1. You impose no contact again. You learn to recognise emotional thinking, build Logic Defences and reset your reactive thinking – I can explain through consultation (as it is detailed) how this is done.

    2. Dear HG Tudors #1fan,
      Hi my lovely,
      No way did you fail.
      You should be soooo proud of yourself …… ONE YEAR of no contact…. that’s cause for celebration🍾
      Well done.
      You had one step backwards… now you go for the “two year” steps forward!

      We are all behind you!
      You did bloody good! Never forget, no female if powerless!
      💜

      1. Bubbles,

        Thank you for your kind words sweet heart, you are amazing.

        I believe with the the service, HG provides all of us empaths, we will all seize the power, if we learn to control our emotional thinking, which is my next step to my journey of being free, and staying free.

        We as females hold all of the power.

  6. Woooooo……So accurate and on point, appreciate the Hell out of Every informing article 👌👌👌🙌

  7. HG, Luckily I discovered you within a month of my ex’s discard so I only texted him twice before I knew better and went NC. If he is midrange why would he not be malignant? Both times I texted him he was charming and casual. He has never admitted to there being anyone else and one of my friends told me there’s no signs of a new girlfriend on his or his family’s facebook pages even though me and him have been broken up for a year. Does this mean he is likely to try to reinstate the formal relationship? I almost wish he would have posted lots of pictures with another girl just so it would further confirm for me he is off his rocker.

    1. It depends on the nature of the narcissist. If he is a Nomad, he will not look for the establishment of the Formal Relationship again but he may well return purely for fuel, subject to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria. If he is a Ping Pong, he is more likely to look to seek fuel and establish the Formal Relationship again.

      1. HG How would I know which one he is? I don’t know much about his past and I am NC. I am not sure but he appears to be ping pong based on your post about the different classes. He claims he was on and off again with the ex before me but who knows if that’s true. I know he triangulated me with her the entire time we dated and one of my friends said she saw him in a pic with that ex about 4 months after our breakup. I guess it doesn’t matter which one he is but I would like to know because a) I am an empath and have the need to know
        b) so I can prepare myself for combat if he is pingpong

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