Shifting Sands
You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound come from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes.
Last week we complimented the steak pie that you made. Our praise was effusive and it was a delightful hiatus in the otherwise unpleasant treatment you had been receiving. You decide to play this winning hand again and proudly place it in the centre of the table only to be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.
“What’s the matter? You loved the steak pie I made last week.”
“I don’t want to eat steak pie.”
“Why what’s wrong?”
“Why must there always be something wrong. I do not want steak pie.”
“But you did last week?”
“That was then and this is now.”
Cue scathing put downs and storming from the table leaving you bewildered and upset. You don’t make steak pie again only to be scolded the following week.
“What’s happened to the steak pie? Why have you stopped making it when you know that it is my favourite?”
You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine. You are forbidden from questioning us about this. You are not entitled to do so. We do as we please. You buy an expensive gift for our birthday and you are told that it is not as good as last year. The following year you really push the boat out to be told you have spent too much and we just wanted something simple. You re-decorate and select a rich chocolate brown. We declare it to be the wrong shade and point to a colour that looks no different. We will not let the matter rest until you have changed it. Once applied it appears the same. We declare we want to go out for dinner and you get ready only for us to decide we would rather stay in and watch sport.
Whatever you do it is always wrong, never correct, not good enough and an erroneous choice. No matter how many times you ask what we want, you still make the wrong choice. You suggest that we do it ourselves and you are accused of not caring. You confirm you will deal with it and you are a control freak who will not allow us to breathe on our own. Whatever you decide to do or say we will find a way of twisting it around so it suits us. Our logic seems entirely warped to you but to us it makes perfect sense because the only logic we adhere is that which means whatever we say is right, even when we show rank hypocrisy or we contradict ourselves. We can reason away every contradiction you point out to us and if you somehow back us into a corner then we will just accuse you of badgering us, change the subject or walk away. In our minds we win every single time.
We cast you aside telling you that you have let yourself go and we cannot be with you. You see us the next week and we are with someone less attractive than you, carrying more weight and who holds down a job less prestigious that yours. You cannot comprehend why we let you go and chose her instead, especially after what we said. You stare open-mouthed and scratch your head. To us we win again because we have acquired someone new whose fuel is better than anything you have ever provided and in addition we have got to you, so you pour out the negative fuel. If we had suddenly appeared with a supermodel instead you might talk a small degree of comfort in thinking that you could not compete with this person but do not let that think you have secured some kind of small victory. In our minds this just reaffirms that we were right to leave you and trade up.
You catch us in bed with someone else. It is not our fault. If you loved us properly we would not have to stray. You show us complete love and devotion and nobody could ever accuse you of selling us short in the bedroom. We accuse you of having too high a sex drive because you must be getting it elsewhere. If you apply reason and logic, especially towards one of our lesser brethren, then they will ignore the force of your words and instead accuse you of trying to belittle and bamboozle them with long words plucked from the dictionary and why do you always have to patronise them with such words and sentences. Whatever you choose, whatever you decide, whatever you do it will always be wrong and whatever we do will always be right. Accuse us as much as you like for being twisted, illogical and difficult and we will be in your face pointing out how you always have to try and get one over us. Black becomes white and then becomes yellow. Nothing makes sense with us but that is because it makes complete sense to us. Our approach is to gather fuel and that means we can and must do so through any means even if that does not stack up when looked at from your point of view. This warped and stretched approach allows us to achieve our aims, we confuse and bewilder you, we upset and anger you, we control you and each and every time we know that we have succeeded. Like the most deluded Minister of Propaganda we claim to have defeated you even as your tanks roll past us in the background. We see only what we want to see and we are impervious to all of your reason. We will never accept what you tell us because that does not accord with what we set out to achieve and what we must achieve. Of course this will not stop you trying. You try to defeat us as we replace your arrows with celery sticks and your sword with a stale baguette. We never fight fair. Your frustration, annoyance and inability to comprehend why we do this is what keeps you bound to us and allows us to keep on doing what we must keep on doing. Extracting fuel.
So, go ahead, build that tower, build it high with the stones that adhere to your beliefs and principles, from stone that is beautifully cut and polished, that anybody would admire and cherish, but let us see how you build that tower was the sands beneath constantly shift and alter. This is what it is to be entangled with us.
19 thoughts on “Shifting Sands”
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I always felt that If I was compliant and acceptant and not complain he would then move the goal post so I kept complaining about the same topic. Reading this article makes me feel better because I understand the end rule : no one can win but the narc… and from what I understand the only way to win is to go no contact. I must say that reading those articles are the best pills I could think of… 🙂
I remember I long tirade I had with him with 20 or so examples of contradictory things he said in the last day. And then he replied, I know , it does not make sense, but you don’t understand me, if you were smart, you would not complain and you would understand what I mean. … euh…
So hurtful
This is a very good article. I often thought my narcs were brilliant for always winning in their minds, for always twisting reality to their advantage. I saw how that protected them (my Darth Moeder and my stronzo) and allowed them to go on, unscathed and glad to be themselves. I found that ability of theirs smart, admirable and SO infuriating.
Thank you.
** deep sigh **
Everything I read here is so familiar. It’s quite eerie. Ive said these things so many times.
After I got frustrated with him recently and told him that I thought he was a narcissist, and he admitted it..wtf??The N in my life asked me, “if I am that and you believe it’s because of my childhood, is that MY fault? It’s something I couldn’t change or help. Should I be punished because of it?” Valid question, right?
I know it’s not my job to fix him, but walk away entirely? Why should he be punished? I’m pretty fabulous😉🤣 I guess the point is he won’t actually care, and Im struggling with that part. Ill keep reading😁
Katie,
You’d better ask yourself why should you get punished because of his childhood/problems? That would also be a valid question in my opinion…are you his mother or his partner? I understand childhood problems and offer my help if and when that person is willing to put the effort in changing his ways.
Otherwise…
Rainbow,
Believe me I ask myself those questions and so many more. Unfortunately as many here know, it’s a rollercoaster. Fabulous days, awful days, and a ton of in between. My logical brain tells me to walk away and my heart keeps me in place. I know he’s not for me to fix but I struggle with walking away completely. I’m working on that, it’s a process. This place helps.
I appreciate your input. Thanks😊
Now he’s updated his profile picture to a demon burning in hell and changed his status on Facebook from that of a man to a female wtf he’s insane
Why are you looking?
I have not blocked or unfriended him yet and vice versa he has not has not done to me it was in my newsfeed this morning it was only yesterday I tried to leave him and he asked me why I have doubts about our relationship even though he clearly said his feelings are in hibernation he refused to finish the conversation as per usual and left it hanging unfinished but I didn’t have time to pursue it because my daughter fell in the shower and i spent 8 hours in the er she has two fractured ribs
I thought you were no contact Ugotit?
That only lasted two days until he made an instagram account and messaged me back in we have had limited contact and each time I tried to end he had some horror story about losing his job., his sisters cancer returning etc etc I’ve failed miserably at going no contact because I’m going thru a job loss and looking for a new job , putting mY mother in a nursing home , raising a disabled daughter who now has two broken ribs in other words excuses but bottom line not able to implement no contact cuz I don’t want to be the one who left him when his life was falling apart since mine is also hopefully I’ll be able to do it soon because I’m at the point where I think he’s more than just a narcissist I think he might be psychotic as well
Ugotit
Who cares if his life is falling apart, he is a narcissist; he will figure it out.
When you have the time, you may want to read this article:
https://narcsite.com/2018/01/17/how-your-emotional-thinking-creates-excuses-2/
“Shaking my head.” Too much power for these individuals. Or so they think!
“We never go jet skiing on the lake anymore.” The universe sends me a gift – my coworker who owns the jet skis (we do not have any) invites us to go jet skiing on the lake this coming weekend, seemingly recovered from the awkward energy you put out the last time we accepted her invitation. I’m so delighted I can’t wait to tell you. “I never said I wanted to go with people damn it!”
For as much as the victims of a narcisist are obviously, literally, tormented…it must be horrible – equally so? More? Less? – spend so much time in your own head. If most narcisists are as self aware as you are, their lives mustn’t be that easy. Is this why they torment their victims? So that somebody else suffers too? I am in pain so you are going to be made feel shit about it? Of course a narcisist will think it’s more complicated than that, they are more complicated than that, their IQ being higher, we can’t get the nuasences – is it really? Wouldn’t you like to be able to move the reflecting light away from yourself for at least 5 minutes and to be free from yourself?
He is truly insane we were talking today and he said his emotions and feelings are hibernating like a bear so of course I took this opportunity to tell him its time to end things since he doesn’t love me he had also said a minute before he has too many problems to think about love so as soon as I said let’s end it since he admits he doesn’t love me he always ignores me etc he actually fucking asked me why I have so much doubt are u kidding me I reminded him he never talks to me or says he loves me then he called me a drug addict and alcoholic and said my doubt is causing him doubt and I better watch it or he’s gonna run away then he stopped replying after I reminded him that he literally told me he has no feelings or love apparently I’m supposed to not have any doubt despite his admission of coldness and apathy toward me what the f kind of crack is he smoking and now he won’t answer me or finish the conversation so I just said later dude