G.O.S.O. One
What is G.O.S.O. ?
It is the golden concept of ‘Get Out, Stay Out’ which is what every victim of our kind ought to apply to their situation.
Whether you have realised that you have been ensnared by a narcissist or you now realise that this particular person is an abuser, GOSO is always applicable.
Those who have not been caught up in an entanglement with our kind may regard this as blindingly obvious. Of course, what they do not realise is that GOSO has two formidable enemies ; us and you – thus applying GOSO is far harder than they realise.
Of these two enemies it is evident why we are the first one. We regard you as our property, no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix, from NITS to IPPS, you belong to us and you are there to serve the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. The higher your status in the Fuel Index, the greater the effort that will be applied to keep you in place. You will be fully familiar with many of the various manipulations we use to ensure you go nowhere and remain in situ. Our Devil’s Toolkit is used to make sure you are compliant, pumping out fuel and under our control. This control is often substantial, however, you start to recognise the manipulations, you learn about gas lighting, triangulation, word salad and so on and begin to see when these are used. You begin to realise that you should not be treated in this way and with your increased understanding you start to loosen the grip that we have on you.
You begin to see matters in a different light. You now see an abuser, a narcissist, stood before you and not the person you once thought we were. Your resolve increases, your determination solidifies as you realise that you need to remove yourself from our toxic influence. You know what you are dealing with now – it is time to get out. However, there is a second enemy that has loomed into view – you.
You are your own enemy or more specifically, your emotional thinking is. You know you need to get out. Getting out maybe the clear act of ending the formal relationship, moving out of a property or moving us out – implementing no contact and that is the ultimate aim. Sometimes it is getting out of the abusive environment even though you cannot implement no contact, but you are getting out of the influence and detrimental behaviour that you have endured for so long. Whichever one it is, you realise it is time to get out.
It is then that this second enemy of emotional thinking strikes. Emotional thinking is a con artist. Its sole aim is to ensure that your addiction to us is fed. Emotional thinking does not have your interests at heart, although it will pretend that it does. You are trying to remove yourself from one con artist just as another appears although this one is just as hard to spot as our kind. Your emotional thinking wants to always be your first response in any situation concerning our kind because it wants to ensure that you keep feeding the addiction to us. This means that you have to keep engaging with us, thinking about us, seeing us, doing things for us. By remaining within our influence, the addiction remains fed and emotional thinking will do whatever it can to maintain that situation.
Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. It has no interest in the fact that your self-confidence has vanished, that you are utterly exhausted, that you are confused, that you are nursing a broken arm, that you are bleeding money, that your sense of self is evaporating, that you have lost your friends, that your job is suffering and a hundred other misfortunes. All it cares about is ensuring that you do not get out. By stopping this happening, the addiction is fed.
Accordingly, this sly and devious emotional thinking will occupy your thoughts as quickly as it can in order to keep cool, hard logic at bay. Unfortunately for you, it does this with considerable ease because :-
- You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out;
- You have been repeatedly conditioned by our manipulation to adopt emotional thinking, so that it is always the immediate response when you are making decisions;
- Your ability to cope will have been reduced. Emotional thinking offers you the ‘easy’ option (but not the right option) and when you are ground down, this has considerable appeal.
So, what is the consequence? Your logical thinking tells you “This person is bad for me, I need to get out.” Before logical thinking can add anything else, your emotional thinking surges and drowns it out and instead fills your mind with what it wants you to think. Indeed, so significant is this emotional thinking that it becomes your only way of thinking and ‘takes over’ in terms of what you do. Emotional thinking is governing you and because it is, you are unable to see that it is. It removes your insight. That is why you often look back and think “What the hell was I thinking? That wasn’t me”. That is because you were placed on auto-pilot by your emotional thinking and you took a course of action without realising the impact of it, because your logical thinking could not get a look in.
How does this emotional thinking manifest? It is devious as I mentioned, because what it does is masquerade as something which is linked to your empathic traits so it convinces that what you are doing is actually ‘good’ and the ‘right thing’ to do. All part of its conning nature. Thus, when you have that brief moment of logic and decide that you need to get out, emotional thinking is alerted and realises there is a danger to getting its fix of the addiction to us. It surges and manifests in many different ways, such as :-
“But if I leave, how he will be able to manage. I will feel bad for him.” – this links to your traits of decency and feeling guilt.
Logic would say
“Why be concerned about how we will manage? He has never been concerned about how you have managed? You do not have to be responsible for this person. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say :-
“But what if he can change, he said he will get therapy and he has made an appointment. What if I go and miss out on him changing for the better?” – this links to your traits of hope and the desire to heal.
Logic would tell you
“He is a narcissist. He will not change. He cannot change. You have no need to stay. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say:-
“Now isn’t a good time it is his birthday/her mother just died/she has a big project at work/he isn’t well.” – this links into your traits of guilt and decency.
Logic would tell you
“Now is the right time. He spoiled your birthday/ she didn’t care when your father died/ he has never supported your work/ she never looked after you when you were unwell. You deserve better. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Here are further examples of the emotional thinking which stops you getting out. Are any familiar? What would logical thinking be telling you in response if it was heard?
“I don’t have anywhere to go to and I like living in this house.”
“But what if the children want to see him and that upsets them?”
“I am frightened of what he will do to me.”
“He said if I ever left him he would post those videos and pictures on the internet.”
“I don’t want to feel like I have failed and give up on us.”
“I know she is seeing someone else, what if I go and they end up happy together? Why should I give them a clear run at a relationship together?”
“But I still love her.”
“He needs my help, i cannot walk away from someone who is needing help.”
“She hasn’t got anybody else but me.”
“It will be too hard to do it. I just need to find a way of making him happy instead.”
“What will I do for money? He controls it all, I will be destitute.”
“I am scared to date again.”
“What will people think though if I go, it will make him look bad at work and to his friends.”
“It could be worse, I mean, she is wonderful sometimes and the sex is amazing. I can put up with it for the good times surely?”
“I am getting old and I don’t want to have to start all over again.”
“I would go, but I have to stay for the sake of the children.”
“I am not giving up, you have to fight sometimes to save a relationship and I am a fighter.”
“I just have to love him more. Love will save the day. It has to.”
Your emotional thinking will use fear, guilt, hope, dedication, valiance, selflessness, status, loyalty and more besides to make you stay and derail your attempt to get out.
A fundamental part of Getting Out is to recognise that it is your emotional thinking that is talking to you, that this is not the right way of thinking and that this emotional thinking is a con artist.
By disciplining your mind to recognise emotional thinking, you will then allow logic an opportunity to make itself heard. When logic makes itself heard, emotional thinking will fight back, but the more you engage in recognising this emotional thinking and allowing logic to make itself heard, the easier it will become until you will instinctively realise you are adopting emotional thinking and you will then apply logic. Keep maintaining this discipline and you will then find that logic will start to prevail and you are conquering the second enemy so that you now see no reason to remain and your stated desire to get out will be fulfilled.
How might you bring about the state of affairs? The major one is to build your understanding by reading. This develops your logic and provides you with material that your mind can go to instead of just finding emotional thoughts which will not help you. You need to have a repository of material which your mind can access which reminds you of what you are dealing with.
There are also numerous techniques to adjust your thought process, but I will explain one to you now. One method is to find a totem. Find an object, it might be a polished stone from the beach, it might be a lump of amethyst, a piece of jewellery belonging to someone special, an unusual coin, a stress ball – it can be anything so long as it fits into your hand. This then needs to be placed somewhere you will see it every day – on your nightstand, on the console table by the front door, next to the sink in the bathroom. Every day you must take the totem and wrap your hand around it, feel it in your hand and then ask yourself
“I must GOSO. What would logic tell me to do?”
Chances are the first response will be a piece of emotional thinking similar to those listed above. Halt the thought and assess it. Is this logic or emotional thinking? Recognise what it is. If, as expected, it is emotional thinking then destroy that thought by working out what the logic is – you will find the logical thinking will appear quicker than you would imagine because you have been building your understanding.
Do this every day around the same time. You will then find that when you have an emotional thought you will recognise to go to your totem, hold it and reject the emotional thought and work out the logic. You may need to go to your totem a dozen times a day, but steadily you are building your logic, reducing your reliance on emotional thinking and then you will find you are doing it without needing to go to your totem because you have reset your thinking. As this happens, you will then find the clarity and resolve to get out and not be stopped.
It is not easy. We instinctively know that your mind is fighting to prevent you from getting out and we rely on this in tandem with our own endeavours to keep you under our control. However, by building your understanding and resetting your thinking, you will get your emotional thinking under enough control to act on the need to get out.
GOSO 2 addresses how emotional thinking tries to derail your need to stay out once you have got out.
38 thoughts on “G.O.S.O. One”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Thank you so much for writing this. Not sure I’ve ever been able to think logically! I cannot answer the questions posed in a logical way. I will practice this! I need this .you have helped me greatly today.
You are welcome.
hi HG,
my narc tried to contact me few days ago after 3 months
Will he attempts hoover more and more rare, now when he knows that he is blocked and it’s difficult to reach me?
It depends on whether there are Hoover Triggers and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. I can provide you with greater accuracy with regards to your situation through a consultation.
I read this again today as I’m still dealing with my emotional thinking. So, so helpful and spot on. Thank you
Dandelion,
It looks, at least to me as if you are still very emotional right now.
It is tough when you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, especially for so long. You will have been under strict control, whether you know it or don’t.
It is confusing to suddenly have that release of pressure. I physically relaxed, but found myself questioning whether i knew what i was doing or not doing, and for what reason. Do i really not want to, or have to, do a specific thing? Or am I being rebellious? Why am I doing something a specific way? Because he said “do it this way”? Or is it the best way? Does it matter, should I change it, all these questions.
As for feeling their wounded inner child, yes you feel it. For them. Instead of them feeling it. For them, that is all gone. What hurts now, is loss of control, and no or low fuel. Yes, you both have that wound in common. His is numb, and yours is raw. It will not heal if you keep adding insult to your injury. If you keep on, it is because you have not yet learned from it. What the narcissist has learned, and way before you, is power and control. You have learned to care instead. That is a lesson that a narcissist has already rejected.
Operating within those parameters, the narcissist has the most benefits in the relationship.
What they are doing works for them. It doesn’t work for you.
If the opposite ways to handle the wound were compatible, you wouldn’t be unhappy with the way this works. There would be none of us looking for the information that is here.
I do not think you noticed that you are trying to soften your perception of what has happened by talking about judging right from wrong, or about not being able to communicate except by energy. You just don’t understand or admit to yourself, at this point, what he has been communicating to you. You did say you saw many red flags at first, but you were young. I was young, too. I was F’d up enough to not see many of his red flags, and when i did see them, my attitude was nobody’s perfect.
I do remember rationalizing my husbands behavior, letting him blame me or others, letting him charm me. But his best trick was reflecting back to me the pain that he saw in my eyes. Gets you every time, You’ll do anything to stop the pain YOU believe that BOTH of you are feeling.
I hope you don’t have children with him. Then you have no need to have any contact with him. Learn all you can. Heal yourself.
And hope is a cruel mistress. Kick her ass out the door. You prolong your agony hoping for the impossible.
‘I should run away as fast as possible..’
That first thing you said there,…….Exactly! That’s it!
Get Out Stay Out
Dearest Queen of Hell,
i thank you for your words.
Although i’m still emotional towards MY NARC, i’m completely aware i CANNOT change him.
On the contral i’m learning to understand
his perspective and, even if i find it completely opposite to mine, i have to accept it as a Human product.
I’m healing myself through psychotherapy, self-help groups like AL-ANON and CODA. Confronting to other narcissistic abuse victims and finally reading HG TUDORS’ exctrats.
I know i have to work hard within myself.
What i choose for me three years ago was stopping feeling so rageful and try instead to understand the reason of our story.
Because of the object constancy we could develop in our life, i can’t see all wrong or all bad inside of the NARC.
I mean: there must be some higher reason for this draw.
This reason has to do with MY own growth. With MY path.
If i’m finally healing myself it’s certainly due to his past presence in MY life.
Of corse i have to work on MY expectstions from him.
Is it resonnable expecting him to behave the way i would?
Because of his emotional deficiencies it is not!
Was a little child guilty for being treated the way he was, being abused or raped, or ignored or humiliated causing that inner devastation?
I think he was not.
I’m not justifying the Behavoir that NARC reserves to his victims.
I’m only trying to reallistically accept it as the best way he could react to that wound.
I feel lucky for being an empath.
Because of MY deep wound i could have become a NARC instead!
I don’t know what determined what i became but certainly i didn’t choose consciously. And so the NARC!
As Human beings i feel all our inner wounds are connected someway.
I know i can’t heal him in a mental way.
But i know that if i heal MY own wound, in a Wider way I Also help his own.
And everybody’s one too. From an energetical level. From a different level of action.
I choosed to learn what unconditional love is.
And i’m sure with your help i’ll finally discover it…. ❤️
Dandelion,
Thank you for explaining your point of view more clearly to me. I think you are emotionally better able to handle this than I was. I’ve spent to much time feeling my narcs pain for him, while he could see, but not feel, mine. When I began to realize that his intentions toward me were not in fact affection, but a malicious con, I still felt sorry for the child in him. I also felt anger towards him because he was intelligent and aware enough to know he caused pain, yet he did so intentionally.
As far as I can see, that gives me nothing to work with there.
You sound to me like you are way ahead of me on healing your wound.
I think that reading you thoughtful reply and kind words has reminded me, that though i know what my main wound is, I really need to do something for it.
I have to admit, I am ignorant of the way that energy works. I feel negative or positive energy from people. Beyond that, I don’t know anything about it.
I also don’t know about unconditional love, I’d be no help there. I just thought that loving behavior was the condition for love. I was under the impression that adult relationships are conditional.
But, I’m willing to learn.
There will always be something to learn.
Again, thanks for you kind reply. It has given me a lot to consider.
Perse
I should run away as fast as possible..
I should have done it 23 yars ago, when all red flags were telling me everything and i quite consciously ignored them all…
Leaving or not is all about me.
It’s my internal condition…
He’s already gone with a ‘worthy’ woman that will ‘save’ him from his past with me… But i’m still here….
Of course i don’t know what living means….
I gave him the responsability to teach me for half of my life, because he knows so many things, his mask can be so charming and he looks like a guiding light..
The fact is i can feel the inner wound that lies inside of his dark side…
I can feel the ‘beast’, the wounded creature that he’s so desperately trying to hide in the abbyss…
I don’t know how i can, but i energetically feel the pain behind ‘the actor’…
We both have a common wound that we learnt to manage in opposite ways…
I perfectly understand the mental dimension that we all try to recognise and understand in order to protect ourselves from the GAME…
But what i feel inside is that there has to be an energetical reason why our different kinds are attracted each other.
It’s like if in a certain sense we have to workout that ancient wound together.
Because we see and live it from our own perspective and you do it from yours.
Both the perspectives have a reason to exist and can’t be judged as WRIGHT OR WRONG….
If we CANNOT comunicate from a mental or psychological or superficial level because of our different and opposite personalities, the common language we can speak can be ENERGY, ’cause we’re all Human beings.
Of course we have to find the way.
I really hope we can someday….
Dandelion:
“The fact is i can feel the inner wound that lies inside”
I think that’s common. As empaths, we are attracted to the hurt little child we see inside the narcissist. It manifests in our need to help them heal.
Jasmine of course it is!
As empaths we all have a specific resonance with feelings that common people often don’t even notice….
I didn’t mean i’m the only one having this particular ability.
I was just explaining the reason why i’m still here.
The reason why i can’t kick his ass out Door. Or hate him.
Or think that he’s a deprecable, useless and empty Human being.
At the moment i’m in no contact but we have three children and it can’t be strict no contact.
I’m persuaded that no contact is first of all an inner intention. To decide limits he can’t go through anymore….of course it envolves emotional detachment.
He’s true self was erased by annihilating suffering, but i’m convinced not all of it.
I know i can’t reactivate that weak almost invisibile light.
I don’t know if something could.
I somewhere read that life doesn’t give us problems withot solution.
Maybe this solution needs time.
But i think it somewhere exists.
I wish I would have found you 3 yrs ago, rather than going through the bizarre, insane, horrifying, and brutal journey that has finally led me here! All the lies, hypocrisy, infidelity, fantasies, and drama that was impossible to comprehend, fathom, or make any sense out of, has now been explained, quantified, and gratefully been answered. I have experienced, suffered and endured, pretty much every conceivable, consequence of being in love with a Narcissist. I’ve been love bombed, gaslighted, discarded, hoovered, brutalized, dehumanized, ignored, degraded, but never fully detached, or let go. I am guilty of every mistake, blunder, and honest stupidity that an Empath can possibly undertake to explain, excuse, justify, and rationalize a phenomenon I had never before been exposed to. So here I am 3.5 yrs later eyes wide open, equipped with knowledge, understanding, and awareness of what is was that nearly destroyed me. I know exactly what I need to do; how to do it; why I should do it, and yet I am still involved, connected, and reluctant to do what reason and logic demand.
So heres the question!! Is it possible to survive and perhaps succeed in a relationship with my Narcissist, armed with all you’ve taught me? I am not the same man, nor do I tolerate or allow her any latitude in her behaviour toward me, that 10 months ago went unchallenged. Now I face her indiscretions without fear, tolerance, or excuses. I suspect she will tire of my new found strength, and determination. ‘For now, for the first time, there is a semblance of balance, and respect. Am I just fooling myself, or does my dangerous folly have merit?
I have already gotten out and stayed out. 3 years to be exact but the abuse still continues. I am unable to do no contact because we have children together and by law I must coparent with him. Something that allows him legally to keep some sort of possession and control over myself and my children and which he has zero hesitation in using them in the name of “fathers rights” to continue his psychopathic mind games on all of us. I am also unable to work outside the home do to various needs of my children whom I homeschool as well as not being in the work force for over ten years. He uses money as a weapon and we have gone from comfortable middle class to poverty for the last three years while he gets richer and hides his income. I finally have a lawyer to protect me and push the divorce forward and because of that his abuse has escalated to almost unbearable again but he is very careful about how he abuses. He’s a psychopath and the abuse is hard to prove because he leaves nothing in writing, etc…
What do I do? I’m out of the marriage but I feel like I’m trapped with his abuse and control as well as no lawful way to protect myself and my children from his abuse.
If you refuse to learn you will be taught by the necessary dosage and if that’s not enough, then HG’s lessons provide a safer setting for learning.
HG put it very succinctly in one of his books (and if you get a chance to read them on Amazon, please do!):
“We did not love you
the golden period was an illusion
nothing was your fault
we cannot be fixed
everything we did was fake
you did not know us”
I framed this and put it where I can look at it every time I feel weak.
HG, you are magnificent…this really helps me.
Indeed I am and you are welcome.
Awesome 👌
Valuable , lifesaving lesson that MUST be learned. Bravo (applause )!
Very good article. Thank you. The bigger enemy here is our self, if we are not healing our traumas from the past. When we succeed to heal, everything with the narc is gone forever. For me, it was a childhood with an abusive father. This is classic story. But I was totally resolved to reach the deepest wound in me and to cope with it. We have dignity, nobody can act with us in this way. So, I am in No contact and from the distance of the time, I see the narc as a pathetic creature, who has no control and influence on me anymore. The end.
Love yourself more than anybody else. This is the key for me.
I am grateful for this experience in life.
Sometimes I just wish life was as simple for me as it is for them. If I were a Lesser Victim Narc, I’d know I need a caretaker. a ‘mommy’. If I were a somatic, I’d know I need sex. I meanwhile struggle with identifying what I really need. And I definitely know the narc-coaster is not what I need. Again thanks for listening. Lots of self-work to be done. Appreciate this place.
I know exactly what you mean, been there, hopefully (definitely) past it now. Have you tried thinking about what it is you THINK you are getting when you go back, and how you get for yourself in a different way?
Thanks Helen. I think my choice to re-engage (past tense) was pre-‘a-ha’ moment and pre-HG. I was secondary so was still ‘enjoying’ (not) the ‘golden period’. He was mostly ‘charming’ and ‘supportive’ but something was never quite right. I think I had a lot of ‘cognitive dissonance’ going on if I’m understanding the term correctly. Maybe it really just means ‘mind f*ck’ lol? Anyway, after the ‘a-ha’, I just went GOSO immediately. I was previously married to the type. I was very schooled in the IPPS abuse and did the recovery work, etc. I just didn’t see this one for what he was at all. He’s probably a Greater. He was very good which as we know means not so good for us. I really would nominate if there were Oscars or Grammys handed out for his kind.
HG-is it too late to submit our stories? Someday I’d like to tell you all about it, when more time and distance has passed. I’m still amazed at how cunning he was. I’d also like HG to remark, ‘Nah, he’s just a junior rank’ lol.
Do you mean as a letter to the narcissist or as a disclosure for me to comment on generally?
I take it back, he’s not a greater. I was just low hanging fruit. I wasn’t watching for narc traits with acquaintances. Must be more careful. I’ll keep reading. I’m not really interested in him anymore. Just me.
I’m not sure that NARCS’ existance is so simple as it could seem in the appearence, on the surface.
They constantly have to deal with a VERY deep and large part of themeselves that they do not want to be revealed.
That devastating inner wound is always present, even if in an unconscious level, and the obsessive research of supply is necessary to avoid to face it.
Their fight is not against the world. Not against us (empaths and codependents).
The fight is against themeselves!
And this fight prevents them to feel in peace in a real way.
HG i appreciate your courage in trying to stop your inner war.
I hope you can find some sort of serenity someday.
It won’t delete the suffering, but it will help you in the deep accettance of yourself. Just the way you are….
Thank you!!! Truth!!! 💕can’t wait till GOSO2 my situation also. Never going back .
What I’m trying to convey in my above comment is that I’m guilty too, complicit in my own torture. Anytime the self-focus and self-responsibility became too much, I turned to the narc drama. I re-engaged. It was an easy out, a pass. Finding myself has proven a much harder endeavor. It’s easier to focus on what pleases them vs. what pleases me. It’s easier to set the program to default, in my case. I’m not breaking no contact, but for the above reasons, the temptation is great. I assigned him the power to fuel me where I really need to be furling myself. We’re not so different after all.
Timely piece.
I know I’m guilty, no matter how I paint it.
My emotional biases slant heavily towards pride and rage.
It’s a full moon eclipse so I’ll charge my rose quartz and give mindfulness a go.
Do you want to hear something very sad? Very sad as in pathetic? My emotional thinking says something like, “But without this drama, this distraction, you have no one else to blame for thie void and emptiness in your life but you.” Maybe my early conditioning has taught me to only worry about trying to cater to the needs and whims of narcs without ever figuring out what I am about. Now that I’m aware – thanks to experience, knowledge, all of your stories – I find the hardest part is being responsible for myself, without ‘narc excuses’. Thanks for listening.
DUTG,
If you would like more info on yourself, and how you are picked by narcissists, you will want to read Sitting Target, and possibly Chained.
They are real eye openers.
What you early conditioning was about is survival. But if we can’t see what we are actually reenacting, we won’t stop doing it.
Yes, we are somewhat to blame in the relationship.
But our actions were meant to repair, while our N’s actions were nothing short of a demolition job.
Yes been waiting on Goso 2! Looking forward
Listen to hg. Get out
Thank you for this and I couldn’t agree more. Such a blessing to receive this reminder about emotional thinking in my inbox today, since it’s been surging lately. But I am resolved to focus on me, stop thinking about him and stay out.
Looking forward to GOSO 2, which concerns my present situation.
A question ? , can a New IPPS become replaced by the old IPPS in the “golden period” . When the New IPPS sees trough the façade (in the golden or bronze period) because the Old IPPS exposed the “narcissist “ by contacting the new IPPS, so new IPPS wounds the narcissit with criticism so will the New IPPS be shelved or dis-engaged with ? .
This is an unlikely scenario because :-
1. The new IPPS rarely sees through the seduction;
2. The new IPPS rarely listens to the words of the previous former IPPS;
3. The former IPPS may not contact the new IPPS/may not wish to warn them
4. The former IPPS may not wish to be ensnared.
However, whilst unlikely it is not beyond the realms of possibility.
If the current/new IPPS accepts what they are told and fights their emotional thinking so that they escape the narcissist during the golden period (either seduction or embedded) as a consequence of what the previous IPPS has told them, the narcissist will fight to draw the current IPPS back in and will respond in a malign fashion towards the former IPPS.
If the current/new IPPS resists a Preventative Hoover and/or Initial Grand Hoover to draw them back in and escapes, the narcissist will rely on supplementary sources and seek a new IPPS (the timescale and precise details depends on the school of narcissist). The former IPPS will either be ignored or dealt with in a malign fashion because the narcissist is likely to know that the former IPPS caused the escape.
If the narcissist is unaware that the former IPPS caused the escape, the narcissist may well look to resurrect the Formal Relationship with the previous/former IPPS subject to Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. It is possible too that even if the narcissist knows the former/previous IPPS caused the escape that the narcissist might still look to resurrect the Formal Relationship with the former IPPS although it is unlikely since they will be painted black – they might be painted white owing to a fuel crisis causing that shift in thinking so they are then hoovered back in. Further an upper echelon narcissist may regard the former IPPS as black but decide to resurrect the Formal Relationship with them purely to then give them a harsh devaluation when their guard is down to punish them for causing the escape of the current IPPS.
Accordingly, your scenario could happen but it is not likely.
Very interesting . Thank you for the reply.
I was very confused because it did happen. I didn’t knew he was a “narc” he had been trying to get with me for 2 years . But I didn’t want to(isolation) BPD . So we just spoke once in awhile. He never showed his former IPPS on social media. I did not know. But when I finally agreed with meeting I recently started studying about “mental Health issues “ and I read alot Machiavelli observe people life and so much more . But the seduction love bombing did caught me off guard . But the “ex” contacted me fast. And I did believe her I was analyzing observing it all . I showed him the Messages so he blame shifted she is physco stalker havent Spoke to her in a year and didn’t want me to interact at all with her. I found out he lied asked about it and told him he did mislead me so he started silent treatments , absence , return golden period briefly and then again Too busy not worry till eventually being ignored completly devauled cut off . I think he has a IPPS or Maybe NISs right now. He always kept one way open for me to contact. But I kept pointing out the odds. Now hes trying to manipulate trough his possessions . I think he is one of the mid range because of the delusions “promotions “ and victim tendencies and manipulations in childhood years . And more stories about him came my way short after . Long story…
But thank you so much for the insight.
So usefull
Still on no contact.
With appreciation ,
I can tell you. Though my situation was slightly different. It was a respite period. And I didn’t escape at that time. The warning was murky, not entirely clear.. it certainly made me pay more attention. I set him up (he Never knew, it was to see if she was telling the truth about something, and she was) Anyhoo.. he reacted to her telling me with MAJOR rage. Towards her and I. I actually got the brunt of the anger (proximity) it was bad. So no shelving. Malign hoover of old IPPS and devalue of new IPPS. That was the time I felt suicidal.
OM(H)G … I have jumped in and out of your site for the last 13 months… First time between Christmas and New Year 2016 … You always have the most tragically apt articles when I unfortunately need them … That breaks my heart and angers me in equal measures because of Narcissistic behaviours and their will to destroy… I know I need to GOSO … However, the emotional thinking triggers are met … My massive thing is he had Cancer, I swear that has made it more complicated … I commented on House of Discards that I feel I have been permanently discarded now … I am ruminating on the whole relationship… Part of me still wants to believe he isn’t a Narcissist and the pain was to get us to the good place … Logic knows that is a load of bollocks … I think I want to see him with another person … It will hurt like hell… I am hurting anyway … When I do my logic will know it isn’t the love story I thought it was… Thank you ..x x