In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.



  1. What hurts me more than the fact that he chose to “taste vanilla instead of strowberry ice cream”, is looking his new girlfriend’s pictures and seeing in her eyes the purity, the innocence, the naïveté, the sweetness, the decency, the honesty, the hope, the faith, the caring, the surprise, the desire, the dreams and the love that once lied in MY EYES.
    I feel like inside of me there’s nothing left but devastation….,
    Of course this was his purpose….😢

  2. I like you all finding out the comical aspect of this huge tragedy!
    I think it helps al lot reminding us we are not walking dead!
    We are still breathing and living!

    Concerning HURT, i think we have three possible choises.

    -We can reject it, trying to deny or control it.
    – we can be overcome and controlled by it. We risk to loose ourselves into pain.
    We are submitted to it and in general to the perpetrator.

    – we can choose to accept hurt in our lives as a necessary mean for our own grouth. To be crossed by it.
    And learn from it.

    What can we learn from it?

    That we are HERE and that we deserve our place in life!
    That we are worthy Human beings.
    That unworthy Human beings DO NOT EXIST!
    That we deserve love.
    That we have to learn to love ourselves before than loving anyone else.
    That we are stonger than we could ever think and that this strengh comes from within…

  3. Do you like Britney Spears HG? I would kind of understand if that is the case. I have the impression she is a great fuel provider….

    1. Never met her. I consider her to be a fuel fountain, yes. I like her song ‘Womaniser’ and the video is entertaining.

  4. NarcAngel,

    ‘Lord help us all if people asking you if you are their Narc becomes a drinking game.’

    “shwaa??!! wush dat twennyfo or ninyshicks???

    I was wondering if he even checks before he answers. I assumed it was automatic denial.

    Guess I’m a drunk ass.


    1. Never mind, HG~I see now that the song’s “there” — but “not there.” It’s stuck in moderation… and as a Greater, I realize you have about 200 other things to get to (and some of them are even good!).

  5. HG- do you ever wish to change? Learn how to feel? Do you want to be normal, but you know you cannot? Or do you really enjoy being what you are, and knowing you have done nothing but hurt others for personal gain during your earthly existence ? (no offense meant here). Do you not want to know what it is like to love in a real way and experience that beauty? If not, how are you not perpetually in an existential crisis? As an Empath, I would consider suicide (and have in the past) if I believed my existence wasn’t somehow making the world a better place. Is it possible for therapy to work on you? And lastly, do any of these questions hurt you? Again, no offense, I’m digging.

    1. I do feel, but differently. I function perfectly well as I am. My existence impacts considerably on the world.

  6. No problem, my comment was rather vague.
    I tried to send you a link to song but it doesn’t seem to be working.
    It was ‘But not tonight’.
    ( and if he should ever find his way to this blog and see this, he will definitely know it’s me.)

    1. I’ve been reading your articles, purchased a couple of your ebooks. . . I honestly wonder, are you sure you aren’t my narc ex? :'(

    1. Well there is no person called Depeche Mode. Do you mean am I Dave Gahan, Martin Gore or Andrew Fletcher? If so, the answer is no.

      1. No, I meant are you the person I was entangled with…He was a DM fan. It was a joke, I know you are not him. Unless you are very good at faking accents?
        I liked DM before he came along…but now it’s “linked” to him.

      1. HG Tudor
        ‘He’s a bell end.’

        I’ve been learning some real interesting synonyms here.

    1. Save your fingers and time Caroline, he is a weapons grade helmet of an actor/tv presenter who has made a little go a very long way and is reviled by HG.

      1. Ah… his pic popped up, and I felt like I *may* have seen him once or twice somewhere, but I really can’t place him.

          1. He must have really tainted Britney Spears for you when she did a carpool karaoke with him.

  7. My narc Ex liked vanilla ice cream- smothered it with whipped cream and ate it by the bowl full. Always the same, always vanilla, scoffed at anything that wasn’t vanilla and that wasn’t his particular brand.

    Maybe he wasn’t a narc after all……

  8. Ironic that my favourite ice cream flavour is vanilla.

    What do I love about vanilla?
    My appreciation for it as being dependable and delicious as a stand-alone, while its having endless possibility and promise when given the opportunity, to becoming something more.

  9. HG, you have mentioned before you would get married again. Now that you have more awareness of your addiction to fuel and instant gratification, how do you see a possible life as a married man? What kind of a relationship would that have to be?

    1. I haven’t given it any consideration in that regard. It would be a relationship with an IPPS naturally. It would have to be one which fulfilled the prime aims.

      1. Maybe it would have to be an open relationship. An IPPS who fulfills the prime aims (sounds terrible) and does not expect fidelity from you.

          1. Isn’t it the case though that the golden period is your infatuation phase and you, yourself are optimistic you have found the one who won’t let you down? So being faithful, for you, shouldn’t be that difficult a feat?

          2. Hey come on, give a narcissist some credit for being faithful for at least a period of time!

          3. Ok, Mr. Credit Seeker…
            You’ve mentioned recently you’re still juggling 2 side sources alongside your primary girlfriend of two years. How long have those 2 side dishes been on the scene? Did Kim get total fidelity from you for a period of time? And, are either of those side dishes long standing DLS’s that you just take on and off the shelf?

      2. What is a deal breaker for you with residual benefits or the prime aims aside from the fuel being potent and flowing?

          1. I thought I felt a strange tremor in the Force whenever James popped up on my TV screen watching The Grammy’s Sunday night…

          2. Lollll….
            Actually, HG, I was stealthy enough to drop, roll and cover out of the way otherwise I wouldn’t be able to read this right now.

  10. *Me singing*

    🎵”Cuz I had to fall, to lose it all
    Cuz in the end, it doesn’t even matter
    And I knowww, that I’ve gone NO CONTACT too
    Yeah you were just like me with someone disappointed in you” 🎵🎶

    Hey if you narcs can make shit up, so can we!


    – The Super Empaths

  11. Would you also hurt the intimate partner if the dose of reality was due to an event unrelated to the IP? Is it always the IP’s who get the brunt of the narc’s wrath?

  12. Terrific analogy with the tiring of the delicious ice cream. That is something everyone can relate to. Well done.

  13. I can never read through this one. The “In the End, it Has to Hurt” title always stops me cold.

    -Why does it *have* to hurt?
    -Why can’t past pain be dealt with + cured for the narcissist?
    -Why must good people (like empaths) pay for evil and/or neglect perpetrated in a narcissist’s early years?

    This is the one blog-post that HG writes — the singular headline/declaration — that makes me so unbelievably sad that it takes me awhile to rebound from it… it’s really almost too much for me.

    Painful. Just super painful.

    1. I agree. It is so sad. I even feel sad for the narcissist in this one. Their inability to feel reality; they must hurt others because they are too weak to withstand their own pain. In the end, they die alone, having offered nothing to the world. Empaths feel pain but also beauty, gratitude, real love, and a sense of worthiness to the universe. We die loved and fulfilled. Hope this perspective helps.

    2. It really is painful. The fact that you we’re conned into loving a monster who intentionally plotted to demolish you and render you useless

  14. Wowww…..Truly twisted and empty individuals, whose aim is to destroy. Awake! Escape! NO CONTACT!!! KEEP schooling us HG

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