Trapped : The Car
Control.
We need to control everything around us. This must be done so we can gain fuel. This must be done because our natural paranoia causes us to need to exert our will on those around us, before they can do so to us and undoubtedly with catastrophic consequences. Only by exerting control can we be sure and satisfied that the order of things will be as we require it to be. We hate to be subject to the control of others. That reminds us of matters which are best left alone.
This need and desire for control causes us to adjust our manipulations so that we can engineer situations where we can achieve total control. Total control arises when we have you trapped.
This concept of trapping you works on several levels. The widest level is within the confines of the Narcissistic Relationship. This is why we regard your entanglement with us as being permanent. We chose you and now you belong to us. You have no say in this of course, why would you when you are not of our calibre? The idea of trapping you continues in terms of the Formal Relationship. This is why we move swiftly to proclaim you as our boyfriend, fiancee, partner, wife and so forth. The application of this labelling is more than just a convenient way of referring to you. We trap you during seduction with the illusion that we create. We trap you during devaluation through the application of our machinations to ensure that you remain stuck and confused. We place traps all around you so they snap close and hold you tight. We get you pregnant, we isolate you from your friends, we make you give up your job so you become financially dependent on us (although we will naturally complain about you leeching off us later on), we stop you seeing your family, we smear people to you and you to them so you are cut adrift from your support networks. On and on it goes the placing and laying of these traps at varying levels so you remain trapped.
This trapping continues within the various stages of the narcissistic cycle. Most often this manifests when we are devaluing you. In keeping with the need to have total control, we want to engineer situations where you are under our control, unable to escape us and thus we can exact our machinations against you and extract what we want from you. To do this, we create Situational Traps and there are many of them which I shall detail to you over the course of various articles, but we shall begin with a Situational Trap which is a favourite of ours; the car.
We will naturally be at the wheel after all the car is ours (whether it might be in your name is irrelevant) and so we have to be the one driving. We choose where we are going, the speed at which we go, the controls of the car are under our charge. You are sat besides us, seatbelt on, buckled in to your seat as the world flashes by. You cannot escape us. You cannot jump from the car. You might unclip your seatbelt and climb into the back of the vehicle, if you are nimble enough, although we will stop you from trying to do that. You are in the hotseat, right next to us and we know it.
You may we well cuffed to a chair in some dingy basement, with a single bright light shining in your face for the interrogation and treatment will be of a similar nature. The journey may have begun pleasantly enough but if this is a trip which is taking place during the devaluation period, all it takes is for your to blunder in to criticising us and then our fury ignites and the nastiness commences. With you trapped we know that we have you all to ourselves. There is nowhere for you to go. With a Mid-Ranger or a Greater, you will be lured into the vehicle purely for the purposes of us being to rely on the Situational Trap. The behaviour which has offended us may have taken place earlier, in some instances days earlier and with plotting mind firing away, we avail ourselves of the opportunity to coerce you to go on a journey with us. It will undoubtedly be under some false pretence; a picnic, a drive to the coast, a trip to the shopping mall. Once you are in, the seat belt is on and the central locking clicks, then you are our prisoner. The smile we wore fades in an instant and the fury which we have kept under control is now allowed to the surface. This enables us to draw fuel form your reactions, your pleading, your questioning, your puzzled expression, the fright in your eyes and such like. We may well have placed your bag in the boot which contains your ‘phone so you cannot call anybody. If you try to reach for your ‘phone, it will be snatched from you and thrown to one side, quite possibly from the moving vehicle as we ensure that you are isolated and trapped.
You cannot go anywhere. There is nobody to ask for help. You cannot move out of this confined space. Thus we have placed you in this Situation Trap which is allowing us to exert complete and utter control over you, enabling us to do as we please, for howsoever long we choose and accordingly, such total control is very much an outcome that we aim for.
When we have you to ourselves in this manner, so begins the unpleasant treatment which is all designed to ensure you remain subjected to our power and for you to give us fuel. There are many different ways we exert this when we have you trapped in the passenger seat besides us and these are some of those ways:-
- Driving at an excessive speed and/or recklessly;
- Slamming the breaks on causing you to jolt forward, then accelerating, then braking hard again, catapulting you back and forth;
- Braking hard when you are about to take a drink so it spills;
- Turning up the music extremely loud;
- Cross-examining you relentlessly about something you have done or not done;
- Administering a silent treatment;
- Telling you at the outset of the journey that we are going somewhere and then driving in a different direction or past the destination and refusing to explain where we are going;
- Assaulting you physically as we drive;
- Driving at night in an unlit area and switching the lights on and off;
- Swerving violently over the road, overtaking at dangerous places;
- Repeatedly insulting you;
- Shouting at you;
- Poking you as we question you.
- Driving into the middle of nowhere in silence, save for a baleful glare that we keep giving you;
- Threatening to drive us both off a cliff and heading towards such an area;
- Threatening to throw you from the car whilst it is moving;
- Circular conversations;
- Lengthy monologues about ourselves which have you bored to tears.
The effect of this behaviour will vary in intensity. Sometimes it is purely to frustrate you because we have not gone to the place that was promised. On other occasions it is to allow us to talk at you and question you so you are made to feel bored or uncomfortable. Then again, the nastiness and intimidation is increased whereby the intention is to terrify you and have you scared witless.
Having behaved in this manner and left you terrified, shaking and scared, we may well purposefully drive into an area where the traffic is slower and there are other cars around to test you to see if you try to escape us or attract attention from somebody else. We will be waiting for you to test our control and if you do, there will be further repercussions.
Repeated applications of this behaviour will eventually condition you to the point that you dread being told that
“We are going for a drive.”
Since you have come to know only too well that it is far more than just going for a drive. It is placing you in a cell right next to us, a cell from which you are unable to move or escape and thus we can apply our twisted machinations against you all in the name of fuel and further control.
You are trapped and it is to drive you insane.
30 thoughts on “Trapped : The Car”
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OMG. So many aha’s.My ex-fiance used to rage at in me in the car, drop me off, speed off and then come back like nothing happened. I was only 20 and didn’t have my license. the first time he discarded me he told me not to ask him for a ride anywhere, knowing i had become dependent on him. When i learned how to drive and had my own car, he was livid. now i know he lost control over me!
Priceless, how I keep discovering things that made little sense then and now are completely logical.
I asked him to take me with him to his town once after he’d come to see me. I was staying overnight with a female friend. He seemed put out, but couldn’t find a plausible reason to refuse. So he drove like a maniac the entire time and cursed at every other driver, no matter how they drove. It was rush hour on the highway. I was something between annoyed and frightened, so I asked him if anything was the matter. He told me that that is simpy how he gets his frustration out in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone (as the other drivers can’t hear him).
I’m pretty sure now that he was mad at me for not telling him I would be going to his town earlier, preferably also asking permission of course and coming there primarily to see him, for staying overnight where I would possibly be going out and spending time with other men, and possibly for preventing him from seeing another IPSS along the way back from my town to his.
Fascinating how “the car” pinpoints so much of the narc relationship dynamic. I’ve written before about the exnarc and other minor narcs & the car.
But it just struck me how this is an example for how my narc parents functioned together. My narc father wouldn’t allow anyone to drive (except for the one time when he wanted me to drive him to the airport … ) … my mother was fine with that and acted totally incompetent when she had to drive once because my father’s hand was broken.
When my father wanted it, we were stuck in his car, tortured by his music, making no stops if it didn’t suit him, and he used to drive in a way that always made me sick as a child. He all used to be stuck in the car on sundays when he drove us for a sunday day trip whereever it pleased him, us in tow, following him, watching him taking pictures, etc.
He never picked me up or drove me anywhere, though, not even with luggage, and while at school, my friend’s parents weren’t exactly pleased by the fact that they always took me with them, but my parents never drove.
And of course my narc parents made my grandparents pay for their new car, while selling their old car to a regular price to me.
And so on, and on …
My mother suddenly could drive by herself very well after my father’s death, but (thankfully) refuses to drive all the way to my place, so I have to play her taxi service to and from the train station.
My heart hurts for you and all the rest of us who have had to endure the obliteration.
I am not sure the cadre of my ex-husband narc who could always get well paying jobs via his lies of grandiose achievements but could not keep them for long. Employers adored him at first. Regardless, he was often unemployed with me being the higher earning stable breadwinner. I used to think it was so sweet how he wanted to drive me to work daily so we could ‘spend quality time together’ and giving him a ‘purpose to get up in the morning’ during his job searching time. We each owned a car. But every day, I’d show up to work puffy from the tears cried during the ranting and angry tirade he produced during the commute. It always occurred at the same point in the commute, as we passed a certain mileage point, after starting off as something pleasant. Later I realized by robbing me of transportation, I could not get home early and unexpectedly as I depended on him for the ride home. He could relax knowing exactly where I was during the day as he went about his deceit. Also, he’d often devalue me by lamenting how he had sold his second ‘fun car’ that meant everything to him by selling it to buy my engagement ring. He’d also always take my car ‘to fuel it for me to show me his love’. It felt weird fueling my car on my own when I escaped. I felt so helpless and dependent. But I started using the trips to the station as reminders of my own strength. I was fiercely self sufficient prior to him. Just some examples of how a narc can use a car against you.
Jasmine….there was so many things we began to hate right? So many egg shells.
H,
Yes! Tons!
It’s funny..there are so many descriptive phrases (like “walking on eggshells”, “Jekyll and Hyde”, etc) I had been thinking to myself, that I now hear over and over in describing npd. It’s like Cinderella. The shoe just fits perfectly. There’s been no denying it once my eyes were opened.
Yup, and once you know, you can’t see them the same way, which creates very serious problems. Some of them very dangerous. (in my case).
Mine too H. *hugs
Are you out? Are you safe?
Yes 21 days 100% out, no stalking his FB page, no nothing. Thanks for asking.
H, NM. I see you are n/c. Good for you! Stay that way!!
I hated the car. And it was MINE. He crashed his. He never let me drive. Even told everyone I wasn’t allowed to drive.. which was bullshit! And sometimes he drove so drunk or recklessly, I was honestly scared for my life. It was horrible. I hated that car
Ha….it was actually the opposite for me. I was always the driver. The last time I saw him was in a car….and the last words he said to me as I was driving;
“Shut the fuck up, or I will choke you out”.
It was not the first time I had to endure being trapped in the car with him and his rage.
Ok, that’s where I peel off to an exit… and/or abandon the vehicle on the side of the road + take off running to the nearest exit — and police department (yes, I’d be *that* girl, running for my life, in some slasher flick).
I’m sorry you went through that, H.:-(
LOL…..I didn’t even think of that. I was taking him home at the time, and just wanted it all to end. I just shut the fuck up.
Your way was better, H.
After this last incident, I knew I was dealing with serious stuff. I booked a consult with HG, and it helped enormously. I am three weeks into absolute No Contact, and I feel its going to stay that way. Thanks Caroline.
Good for you, Miss H. 🙂 You’re disciplined + empowered!
H – there’s a lot to be said for undoing the seat belt and just slamming on the brakes. If only…
My seat-belt or his? An interesting thought.
Heh heh, oh his, of course!!
LOL…….I wish I could of been so creative at the time. the good news is I got home without being “choked out”…consulted with HG to ensure I never do that to myself again.
But damn…that gives me a great visual. Thanks for that 🙂
You’re welcome. I didn’t want to make light of your situation, menace like that is horrible, but it’s good to have an empowering image to balance it out and take some of its power away. 🤗
Humor is a good tonic. that’s for sure.
Beautifully written 🌼
This happened to me, but on a motorcycle, which my narcissistic ex-BF hardly ever drove. But one weekend when I was home from college, he suggested we take his motorcycle up to a tavern close to his lake home and “have a nice dinner.” He seemed perfectly fine – happy even. I wasn’t crazy about motorcycles, but I agreed to go. The ride there went fine. But on the ride home, he sped like a demon, weaving wildly along winding roads, all the way back…I felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t even scream – I could hardly breathe. I was terrified.
As soon as we got back to his house, I hopped off that godforsaken motorcycle. I didn’t say a word – I just stared at him. He had an arrogant look on his face, and I could feel that he was very angry with me. I had no idea why. I was so confused, but I much more furious. I walked to my car, which was parked at his home – got in – and slammed the door shut — hard. As I drove off, I was aware that my legs were shaking. It was the first time I was ever scared of him.
I never understood what that was about, until I read this. I’ve never been on a motorcycle since.
Yes. He did this. Post escape upon talking to my mom I realized how pathological he was. He would make sure we were loaded in car ( no a/c he controlled when & if it ever got fixed ) it never did. And he’d be sure to leave my families house last, with tears in his eyes, would tell my mom how we were the best thing that had ever happened to him how he loved me & kids, ( I didn’t know he had done this) . Entering the car a silent treatment would ensue or he’d work himself up into yelling & threatening to hit my 11 yr old for some minor infraction. He caused fights, fear, strife, screaming in car in dark during the 3 hour ride. I never put the pieces together till after escape. That it was a facade and control & abuse. No one gets how relentlessly toxic he could be. In front of others he portrayed a swell guy. It’s crushing. One fight ( or yelling tirade where he was again offended) was over him receiving a cell phone free from a kind member of my family. He was angry because I mentioned how nice that was. No one understands the insidious constant nature of the tirades, the Jekyll & Hyde mood swings, the skewed reality, after 7 years of it I was a shell and worn down and anxious 24/7. Divorcing Him is proving difficult and costly. So few understand the nature / collateral effects of this disease.
Thank you HG for the confirmation and priceless info you so flawlessly deliver. Thank you …
You are welcome.
DIVORCE=BEST MONEY (WITH A NARCISSIST) THAT YOU’LL EVER LOSE…
Wish I had been aware enough to tell this to my ex-BF’s wife. She hung onto him for un-dear life… and now he’s stalkingly back – stuck on me (Oh joy). But at least *I* know what I’m dealing with…feel so sorry for her… she’s probably a saint, and he completely destroyed her.:-(
For Mb , above.