The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We can actually like our friends
So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people. Of course, this is not enough on its own, they must provide fuel, allow us to take traits and provide residual benefits but we are able enough to like the fact that someone is amusing, that someone is a good partner at badminton (as long as we usually win) or has some entertaining anecdotes to share from a recent holiday. So long as they do not transgress across our requirements then we will also take delight in these additional traits, for like jesters, ambassadors and courtiers in a royal court they all have their own individual function that serves to benefit us.
16 thoughts on “The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships”
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Every time I think that my ex is someone different, one of your posts pops up and pretty much confirms all that I have complained about for the last 9 years. Can a narc really think that they are so smart that one just cannot figure them out? I have called mine out on so many things that are perfect examples of what you have written but still I am the crazy insecure one and I am imagining all the things I “see”. Even when I was replaced 2 years before I was actually discarded I called it but again I don’t know what I am seeing. Can an Empath be so observant that they CAN actually see right through a Narc and why wouldn’t the Narc just let them go instead of trying to “fool” them into thinking the Narc really does care? Do Narc’s do all these things on purpose or can they actually have been so abused by a Narc in their past (like all of childhood) that they don’t even realize they are this way?
The problem is our doubt. Our need to see the good. Our infinite capacity to forgive and ‘forget’ we are just supply. It is hard with a giving nature to keep in our minds what they are. Where as a narc is a filing system with infinite concealed malice.
Dear Mr Tudor
What’s a friend?
If you don’t know …. I’m not going to tell you!
With Luv
A Non Intimate Secondary Source.
“Touche” from a narcissist 😝
💜
Oh how this post resonates with me. His ‘friends’ were a very critical part of the ensnarement. They’d never seen him so happy before me. Even as we went through old pictures of him with ‘the devil’, as we went about making space for me and my stuff in his house, I questioned how he could look so content with someone all proclaimed was ultimately evil. They assuaged my uncertainty. He was ensnared by her, duped. Later (too late) I found pictures of this ‘evil predecessor’ comforting these friends during times of trauma like divorce or death of loved ones. She didn’t appear to be the devil they proclaimed her to be. She obviously wasn’t because during my marriage to the truly evil one I found evidence of his communication with her. Ex narc husband even had me believing one of these so called ‘friends’ really wanted him as well. When the time came for me to try salvage the marriage by reaching out to those who ‘understood’ him best, i was informed that they’d already been made aware of my suspicious nature and that I was batshit crazy jealous. So much had they been influenced by the narc that I could never with a mountain of proof show them that I was not who they’d been to believe I was. I’d been smeared all along, even during what I thought to be good times. Everything I did was portrayed against a smear I had no idea was taking place. It’s taken years to forgive them. If I loved a friend, I’d have no reason to question what they were telling me. I’m loyal like that too. Bottom line, they never saw me though I thought otherwise. They always saw me, like the ‘evil one’ before me, as whatever he created us to be.
DUTG,
Your comments sound oh-so-familiar. 😞 Especially this.. “”They’d never seen him so happy before me.”” … It always amazes me how similar the patterns are, though HG says that is what makes them classified as a narcissist. So sorry you had to go through that. XO
I should add that as they did not see the real me, I too did not see them. He had no loyalty to them and talked poorly about them to me. I had no reason to believe my husband was lying, right? Upon reflection, I see he spoke poorly of them when they got a bigger house, a better job, or didn’t show up for major life events where he needed to show the attendees that he had long-term ‘friends’. He only made real efforts with them – they lived in a different part of the country – when he was in-between IPSSs.
I recall a time when we went to visit them in their brand new huge historical house. I was the one who encouraged him to keep in touch and nurture his relationships with his ‘only true friends’ on the planet. He complained for months that they were getting in over their heads financially, etc. He was seething. I thought his anger was so odd but chalked it up to him really caring for these folks.
They had boxes piled high in the formal living and dining rooms as they were still in transition. By the smell of things, you could tell their 3 dogs had been relieving themselves in there, leaving some hidden gems. He and I went for a walk, and he was extremely agitated the entire time, antsy. I remarked on how badly the rooms smelled, and he ignited his fury saying if I was going to talk poorly about his friends, he was going to go back to the house at once.
His extreme agitation when we were all together never made sense at the time. I guess it was too much on him to manage all of his lies when we were all in a room together. The ‘friends’ had some issues themselves, were downright mean and rude, and nothing to cry over when I lost them in the divorce.
I will close with adding that in the courtship, he warned me he could get very moody and irritable and that I needed to handle him just like his friends did by ignoring him and getting on with things until he snaps out of it. They had come to visit him, and when he pulled that stuff, they just got in the car without him and went sightseeing. My view is that is an easier position to take when you are a NISS. I also hold the view that if you are upset, you need to use your words, not your fists (he never hit me, just saying), and not your verbal abuse or tantrums. You are not 3, you are supposed to be a grown-a** man. Ha ha joke on me.
PS – I enjoy this place. My examples are from many moons ago, and I am long out of harm’s way. I am grateful for the experience and accept it as a gift from the universe as it really did produce some real growth in many ways. Long ago, I participated in forums, but as someone severely raw and new to the narc world. I will forever be grateful to the virtual counselors and support I received there and hope my writing and sharing soothes someone who feels they are suffocating from the weight of all of the crushing pain. Back then, it was Dr. Sam Vakin who was the residential ‘grand poobah’, narc, but I always found his writings too academic and brainy just like the cerebral he is. HG’s style is a better fit for me.
PPS – I feel bad for those before us who did not have Google or the internet. I found this condition by typing in (pounding in really, loud pointed keystrokes) why is my husband such a….? What about those who suffer without any knowledge of what they are dealing with? Very sad.
Signed,
Dizzy Up the Girl (DUTG)
Lovvv This! 😀
As a former NISS, I agree with this, especially with the idea that the friendship is instrumental, defined by one’s usefulness. The narcissist in a way warned me about that at the beginning, implying that I was the exception though, but I didn’t listen.
I agree with this as well:
“Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.”
I had that competitive feeling, particularly with the person who, to my surprise, ended up replacing me. I wasn’t expecting it when it happened, actually.
I know that some time ago, a younger, prettier, and skilled new “special friend” entered the scene and my replacement is now predictably acting over-the-top complimentary and supportive towards her. She has to if she wants to continue being a part of the inner circle and have his favor. But I can’t believe my replacement doesn’t feel the competition and that she’s sincere.
My guess is that her reaction is a classic example of the reaction formation defense mechanism (i.e. acting in the opposite manner of how one feels as an attempt to deny and suppress one’s authentic yet unpleasant feelings).
I was never very good with hypocrisy and I disliked my replacement from the start, which exacerbated issues between me and the narcissist.
Anyway, I’ve resolved to not know further what’s going on and I’ve asked the mutual friend who “updated” me to not mention him or his group to me anymore.
Ouch- they’re pricks! Good you’re able to cut off the information flow. Stay strong!
My exes “best friends” are a couple who are heavy drinkers, shallow, self-important and provide a steady stream of new potential supply for the ex. now I see that that is probably one of the key attractions of them. The one” friend “ in that couple is probably another narcissist who is constantly name dropping and gathering acquaintances in doing what they consider elite crowd of their circle . I never liked them much at all. And towards the end when the ex and I would get together with them I often would leave early-because I had to get away and couldn’t stand being in the company. My ex of course couldn’t care.
My narc managed to collect a small group of friends that are of a much higher status financially and business wise. He uses them for favors advice social standing and all a round errand boys and has discarded and hoovered several when they didn’t do actual work for him and only gave them advice for example he was trying to open an olive manufacturing plant and his friend wrote the business proposal for him to get funding from the government but when hiscfriend refused to cosign and go into business with him he discarded him for betraying him and hoovered him after four months another friend he tried to steal his wife from and another friend he stopped speaking to for betrayal because the friend spoke bad of me which in turn was according to him his friend deserted him when he needed him most its laughable how dependent he is he also expects his friends to rent apartments for him book hotels fax and copy things for him do his banking meet with lawyers do on line research and in and on he literally dies nothing for himself and he has a haram of female relatives who wash his clothes and cook and clean for him he’s got it made he’s a 44 year old infant
Oh Lord HG this is sooooo true about my ex😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩
One of the first things I did.. my walls came up! I think i have about 2 friends on Facebook. lol. I am fine, cast along here in cyberspace. Safe to find myself again.
I am perfectly content being a jester in this court.
-jj