Something That Rings True
One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?
- You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
- It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
- The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
- It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.
Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.
Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.
“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”
“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”
“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”
“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”
The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.
Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.
Take for instance: –
“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”
“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”
More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.
“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”
“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”
Again, that is entirely conceivable.
“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”
“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”
Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.
We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.
Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.
“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”
(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)
“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”
(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)
“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”
(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)
“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”
(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”
(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)
“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”
(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)
“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”
(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)
Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.
How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?
The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.
Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.
You.
22 thoughts on “Something That Rings True”
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HG
I just spoke to my ex on the phone…..awkward conversation. We neither of us knew what to say really….I even said that to him….anyways! I let him go and I’m sitting here thinking it was the most awkward phone call…..I reached out to him first he responded by calling. We haven’t spoken in quite sometime….he did sound normal….I heard a cat in the back ground. Anyways! Lol pretty dead in my opinion. To me he sounded so different. And I was beyond nervous and felt stupid. Even though he responded by calling it still sounded like he forced himself to call like his heart and mind wasn’t in it. I literally went blank while on the phone. I was uncomfortable so I let him go.
Today….I was changing ringer sounds on my i phone and I came across the ringer I had on my other iPhone from 4 years ago….when I met him…and I played it…..and I could remember….I could remember the way I felt when I heard that ringer ring….and it came flooding back and suddenly I could feel exactly what I use to feel when he would call me…..it’s like I was transported right back in time….so hard to describe….that sound brought so many good feelings back then…..excitement…..happiness….anticipation….pure uphoria….yes I pushed play and I felt it for a minute and I remembered it….I thought he was my savior….I thought he was my hope for a better life….for love….a future….a partner…..when he entered my life it was like a door opening to a dark cold dungeon and rays of light came through and hit my face for the first time in years…..it fucking hurts so fucking bad…..but I told myself In my mind to let myself feel the pain….just feel it….let the pain in……it won’t kill me…..and I have to release it……my god sometimes life is so not fair! Why couldn’t he have just been that man! I miss the false man I fell in love with and that brought me hope of a future and love….the one who could change my life…..ok I’m done! Damn!
And strangely for a second….it’s almost like I could feel his presence….like I could feel him….like as if he were near bye….I guess like a ghost…..sometimes I wonder if he can feel anything when I feel this way….he use to tell me when I would say I love him or I am really sorry about something….or feeling some deep emotion connected to him….he use to say….I know….I can feel it! I honestly did feel so very connected to him….like we were connected…like he was a part of me….joined with me on some level….unlike any other person I had ever been with…very deep!
I want to add that before I met him…I purposely stayed alone and away from men and relationships and dating and sex for 7 years…..not because I couldn’t get someone but because I wanted knowone….I was content alone….it was after my divorce from my sons father….anyways….that’s probably another reason he was so important….because I had shut my heart down and body for 7 years! He was the first in all of that time that I let in…..I was dormant for so long emotionally….sexually….and I focused solely on my family and work…so yeah I’m sure that gave him a leg up on creating my utopia he led me to! I was like a thirsty person in a desert when he found me…out there by myself but there none the less!
RealitySetsIn,
I feel your pain, I know how hard it is to suddenly stumble upon something that turns your world upside down again and in just a second you’re flooded with emotions and desperate need all over. It’s like you’re back to the beginnings again; like you haven’t moved forward at all. But you have. Healing comes in leaps and bounds and sometimes having to deal with those painful feelings again even though you’ve been strong lately isn’t a step back but instead a huge leap forward. I contacted mine a while ago and thought the world would end from the pain that experience led me to feel; instead I needed a few days to work through the pain and then I felt so much stronger all of a sudden. You will too.
This may be a stupid way of healing, but for me I’ve come to consider him lately as two separate persons. There’s the man I thought I loved; the man I spent so much time with and woke up next to each morning. That’s the man I was in a relationship with; the man that I saw only details with because the full picture of his abusive ways would have made it impossible for me to stay. That’s my heart and my emotional thinking. Then there’s the man I’ve come to know lately, after the relationship ended and when I’ve put the pieces together I have to admit I see him with my rational and logical thinking as a demon and not a man at all. There’s lots of cognitive dissonance in these two ways of seeing him, but steadily I’ve moved from heart to head. Still, my heart can overwhelm me at times and then that usually means that I’ll take another leap forward when I’ve dealt with my emotions. I think I need to put these two pictures together, integrate the man and the demon somehow; place both pictures over each other to form a new understanding and a viewpoint that allows me to see it all for what it was and to finally let go completely. I’m getting so much closer to that now. I hope you will feel better soon; I read that you called him; maybe you needed it to heal? Hugs to you!
RealiySetsIn,
You have so much going on inside you right now. Your emotions are running high. There are so many comforting words that one can give to you. However, this is your experience, your hurt, and your pain. It’s hard, I know, but there is a word that HG said in one of his posts and that word is ILLUSION. The narcissist creates a false illusion. They become everything we need, everything we ever wanted in a man or woman. They become our hopes and dreams. They become us!
I sometimes think about my narcissist friend. I was/am the friend with benefits (FWB). I did not mind because I thought I could handle being FWB, but the mind games he played and I played was too much for me. It was like being on a Merry-go-round, and I wanted off. I haven’t heard from him in five days, my choice. In any case, my narcissist is not worth the drama, and I have too much inside of me to waste on someone who is not worthy. RealiySetsIn, we matter too. YOU matter. I know it hurts like hell, but time is a healer. Cry all night if you have too, but in the morning dry your eyes, and sometimes we just have to encourage ourselves. Please don’t get tricked into the illusion of going back. It will be worse than before. Psalm 91.
Shawn (female)
Thank you Shawn…..
RealiySetsIn,
You are welcome. Stay strong, you will be fine.
SHAWN
I’m grateful you clarified your sex. I have been reading your posts & getting intrigued with you a bit thinking you were an enlightened, compassionate, in touch with himself fellow believer male… Sorry. I’ll stop now. 😬🤣
Thank you SuperXena for your kind words. It really helped 🙂 And you are right. He is the one who repeats the same patterns over and over again. As far as I know his ex wife went no contact, removing his every activity on her social media, it looks like he never existed in her life – they have been together for 10 years and they have a child, his ex mistress blocked him everywhere and now I do the same so I suppose all his exes were abused and realised the need to cut him off. He is the first ex I had to block. Previously my break ups were clean – after dumping/being dumped we both respected each other and there were no mind games. But he is like a virus. He discarded me and tries hard to contact me and play with my mind. Once pretending to be a victim, wanting to punish me, other times pretending to be my friend and so on. So yeah, I don’t think there was something wrong with me. Big hugs for you SuperXena 🙂
Agnes,
Your welcome! I am not here very often now so I am happy to know that my comment helped you.
I can relate with something you wrote:
“He is the first ex I had to block. Previously my break ups were clean – after dumping/being dumped we both respected each other and there were no mind games. But he is like a virus.”
Exactly: there will be no closure from him, they never do it.
Yes, he is like a virus and if you want to know more about how you were infected I will quote some paragraphs that can help you and encourage you to read and learn more so you can keep your no contact in place and make the aftermath less confusing ,less painful and finally allowing you to move on.
” The infection was not your fault. Not one single part of it. You, although we want you to think to the contrary, are blameless.” Exorcism by HG Tudor.
” Central to accepting the new reality is the need to accept the following. We did not love you. The golden period was an illusion. Nothing was your fault. We cannot be fixed. Everything we did was fake. You did not know us.” Exorcism by HG Tudor.
And I will quote one more paragraph that I specially found very useful and that took a heavy weight from my shoulders when I read it and understood its implication:
” By focussing your hope on yourself and not me, you stand a far better chance of escaping me. There is no hope for me. There is hope only for you.” Escape by HG Tudor.
And if you change the word “hope” on the first sentence by “belief” I think it has a greater impact:
By focussing your BELIEF on yourself and not him, you stand a far better chance of escaping him.
Best wishes !
I’m starting to freak out. Maybe he was normal? Maybe I wasnt good enough and when he finds someone better than me, he will have a great healthy relationship? Maybe his hoovers are just an act of kindness and sympathy to such a loser like me? Maybe he was good and I was bad. I dont know. So many doubts, is it normal for a victim to start questioning the abusive behaviour and to feel not good enough?
Hello Agnes,
I couldn’t help but commenting your post:
Do not freak out! It is very normal to start questioning . Trust your guts, if you are here it is because you started to look for answers to something that did not feel right for you in your relationship. Looking for knowledge is a good step. Do not question yourself, question his behaviours instead.
“Maybe he was normal”: Do not try to find out what is normal or not. If his behaviour transgressed your personal boundaries :that was abusive and NOT good/healthy for you.
“Maybe I wasnt good enough and when he finds someone better than me, he will have a great healthy relationship”: There is nothing wrong with you, he will continue with his abusive behaviours with someone else.. he will never have a “healthy” relationship. Abusive behaviours NEVER lead to a healthy relationship.He will follow the same pattern and do the same things to the next one as he did to you. Eventually ,she will feel the same way you feel now.
“Maybe his hoovers are just an act of kindness and sympathy to such a loser like me? ” : NO, his hoovers are just manipulation strategies to keep you hanging there. There is absolutely no kindness /sympathy whatsoever in them.
You are not a loser! Why do you think like that of yourself? Do not start doubting about yourself!
Agnes,
I have never really given advice to anyone here as I am still up to my eyeballs with my narc, so I am not in any place to give anyone perspective however what you wrote struck a chord with me as I ask myself the same questions as well. So I wanted to share my thoughts with you from my current experience with my narc.
“I’m starting to freak out. Maybe he was normal? Maybe I wasnt good enough and when he finds someone better than me, he will have a great healthy relationship?”
~I feel the exact same way. At first I thought “damn this is someone who thinks the world of me and now I am crap to him”. While mine is married I always wonder if he treats his wife better than me, like she gets the happily ever after.
“Maybe his hoovers are just an act of kindness and sympathy to such a loser like me? Maybe he was good and I was bad. I dont know.”
~He ALWAYS told me several variations of the following, “I should not talk to you, I should block you and never talk to you again. However it is my empathy that keeps me coming back because I care for you” (once in awhile he would sprinkle in “I love you” other times he would strike that from the record). And, “It is because I care for you that I cannot ignore you forever. I want to be a proper friend to you.” He OFTEN told me that he felt sorry for me and it was his “empathy” that made him not write me off forever. He will be silent and disappear but he always reappears. I think he really sees his “checking in” with me as kindness and sympathy (or “empathy” as he calls it although I doubt he even knows what that word means)
“So many doubts, is it normal for a victim to start questioning the abusive behaviour and to feel not good enough?”
~I am going to say yes because I think this way and question everything. What I could have done or not done differently. Feeling inadequate. Feeling like I need to try harder. I often hear that feeling this way is normal for people in our predicament.
Hi Agnes,
I know exactly how you feel; I’ve doubted myself and my perceptions over and over again thinking what if I’m wrong and what if I’m the perpetrator? What if I am somehow such a horrible person that I provoked the abusive behaviour in him? What if the abuse never existed at all except in my head? What if I am the narcissist here; the one with a personality disorder? Emotional abuse is so difficult to describe and pinpoint. Well, in my case there was physical violence as well as emotional abuse, but sometimes I’ve even managed to doubt my perception in that case; thinking I might have pushed him to the limits where he completely broke down and hit me.
It’s crazy making on a high level and I think it’s a natural phase for us empaths to go through. Don’t doubt yourself though. It’s not you; it’s him. It’s his reality imposing on you still; it’s all mind games, distorting proportions and it’s a bewildering maze of working through the pain he inflicted on you, but you’ll get through. If you, like SuperXena points out, are here it’s because of your need to understand something about what happened to you. If your boundaries have been violated then that’s abuse, no matter if he’s a narcissist, a psychopath or just an asshole and common abuser. He probably made you believe that how he made you feel wasn’t the real problem; instead the real problem was your reactions to his abusive behaviour and then that’s your fault. It’s just a mind game. Trust yourself and your feelings!
Thank you All out of fuel, thank you Catherine. Yes, he tells me something like “maybe I am stupid because of what you’ve done to me but you are still important to me and I care for you, I want to be your friend”. And when I tell him I dont want him to contact me, he hoovers again and again. So I went no contact, the only option. It’s not easy but I’m glad I’ve found narcsite.com – your comments and HG’s insight help a lot. Let’s be strong 🙂
Narcs don’t have sympathy at all. They are not like us nor do they think like us. They only act like us. It wasn’t because he was being kind and feeling sympathy that he hoovered. It’s because he’s a narcissist. Unless of course he’s not a narcisssist and has some other personality disorder similar. It can be tricky trying to figure out if someone is a narcissist or not. It takes long observation and being very educated on personality disorders and also in dealing with them. It’s very tricky and plays with your head. The hardest part of diagnosing anyone with narcissism comes from the fact that an observer cannot always know what Is motivating the subjects behavior. We don’t know their inner thoughts we can’t read their minds. So it’s teally tricky. Plus there are other emotional disorders that cause some people to do some of the same things narcissist do in relationships however it is from different motivations. So yeah god help us al! I myself have an emotional disorder called borderline personality disorder and I do some of the same things narcissist do in relationships. My behaviors however are brought on by different motives then the narcissist. Mine are because of emotional disorder and self identity problems and fear of abandonment. I hate to admit all of that and I know I am not a psychologist or in the field…but this observation of myself comes from years of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. And failed relationships and I’m almost certain that if I was sitting in front of a therapist he or she would diagnose me with borderline personality disorder. So yeah it’s all about the motivations behind the behavior more than the behavior itself in a lot of cases.
I agree; we have our own role in molding your lies into our truth. We tend to hold on tightly to that which we desire to believe.
And you are correct again HG… it is our damage that allows you to solicit and exploit our vulnerabilities. Had my non-narcissist husband not cheated on me in the most devastating way, I do not believe I would have allowed myself to believe that my narcissist could have so quickly loved me “beyond words” as he’d often proclaim.
My mind knew it was too much too soon, but my heart couldn’t get enough.
Reading this felt like a kick in the face. How absolutely gullible I was. I don’t think it even crossed my mind that someone would or could lie to me that totally and completely.
Vera,
You (we) are not gullible. We believe in things they do not; Truth, Love, Reality, etc.
We live, and we learn. Let’s learn from these nuggets of Mr. HG Tudor. Store them in your (our) memory bank, so that the next time you (we) come across a person(s) displaying these symptoms, you (we) will remember to think about these nuggets and can compare the symptoms with them.
SAAAAMMMME!!!!!
Vera
It’s because you yourself are a trusting person….and most likely trustworthy! So you don’t suspect others of being liars because you yourself are not a liar. That’s my opinion anyways.