Found In Translation
The way that our kind speaks is a language all of its own. Narcspeak appears at first to be a normal way of speaking, with the inferences, interpretations and connotations that one would ordinarily expect when hearing phrases such as ‘I love you’ and ‘I am sorry’. You will not grasp that there is a different meaning to much of what we say to you, at least not until it is too late. Once you have mastered Narcspeak however it becomes readily apparent what is actually being conveyed to you. Understand this form of double speak from us is a useful skill to achieve. Not only will it bring clarity to what has been said to you in the past and what was really meant, it will assist in understanding how to deal with the narcissist in your life going forward, if you have occasion to interact with him or her again.
Narcspeak arises because we operate in a different reality to you. We perceive the facts differently and therefore there will be an alternative interpretation attached to what we say. We know the context of what we are saying, so that it apparently fits with the situation and the discussion, but that is purely as a consequence of our ability to mimic and to convey what should be said. We know what we actually mean when we say these things. We mean something else.
This allows us to evade any culpability at a later juncture if you try to tell us that we said something. We may deny that we said it and if we do admit it, our admission is only ever in the context of what we intend it to mean. We use these words and phrases as a cloak to what we are actually saying to you and the sooner you begin to understand what we are really telling you, the sooner you will achieve a clarity of understanding which will remove the fog of confusion and enable you to decide how best to respond.
By way of example here are a number of phrases which you will always hear with our kind and beneath is what is really being said to you.
I don’t think that it suits you
You look absolutely ridiculous
I didn’t look at anyone else the whole time I was out.
I kissed several people. I have no idea who they were.
You must believe me.
I am telling you a lie.
What are you thinking?
I am not going to tell you anything until I have worked you out first so I know what will be the right things to say to you.
Don’t you trust me?
I find your insecurities both irritating and wonderful. I am annoyed that you think you can exert control over me. I am pleased that you are anxious and I make you that way.
I promise.
I’m just going to tell you what you want to hear.
We will always be together.
You belong to me. I will pick you up and put you down as I see fit.
I cannot stop thinking about you.
You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.
You don’t understand me.
Everything I have told you is a lie so it is little wonder that you do not.
I like you.
You do what I want.
I need some time to myself.
I am spending the night with your best friend.
We are just friends.
We have slept together and we will again.
I am so confused.
I want someone else now.
We have nothing in common.
We never had, I just made it look that way.
You will always be special to me, no matter what happens.
Your fuel is well worth coming back for and that is why I have come back.
It was nothing serious.
Yes, we had sex.
I didn’t do it.
Oh yes I did.
I’d like to see you again.
You have more fuel to give me.
Let’s stay friends.
I want to establish a reason that seems credible to you for returning and hurting you.
I don’t really remember.
I know only too well, not that I am going to admit it to you.
I am broken.
I know saying this will sound good and I am feeling somewhat desperate at the moment to keep hold of you.
She meant nothing to me.
Her fuel meant everything to me. More than what yours means to me.
I must have been drunk.
I was drunk. I often am. I know what I did though because I wanted it to happen.
I am just speaking my mind.
You had better fucking listen to me.
I am not starting an argument here.
It’s fuel time
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.
I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.
I will change.
You are a fool.
I want to be a better person.
You are a bigger fool than I first thought.
You always make it all about you.
It should be all about me.
I’ve no idea who she is.
I have slept with at least a half a dozen times.
I don’t recognise that number.
I do. Why is she calling me when I told her not to?
I’m not with anybody.
I am but that is not standing in the way tonight.
It is all rather complicated.
It is bullshit.
I didn’t mean for that to happen.
Oh yes I did and I will do it again.
You made me do it.
I am too weak to accept responsibility.
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Goodbye.
I don’t know who I am sometimes.
That sounds deep. She will love that.
I love you.
I expect you to do what I want.
I love your fuel.
24 thoughts on “Found In Translation”
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HG what about this one :
Me: do you have any idea why you act the way you do?
Him: yep. Totally.
Also do you have a book where you have more of these??
Decipher and From the Mouth Of A Narcissist.
Thank you! Stocking up on your books for a trip I have next week!
So terrible to read that almost everyone was into second guessing what the Narc possibly meant. I was too. Always second guessing. While he kept saying: “I want you to think of nothing else but me”. So kind of him to explain to me what he was doing…
I sometimes feel like he put me through a challenge, giving me hints so I could finally figure him out – does this make any sense, HG? Did you ever deliberately help someone to figure you out? (if yes, to what purpose?)
Or should I consider his hints merely as a slip of the tongue?
It will not have been done to help you figure him out but more for the purposes of testing you, testing the extent of control and dependent on the school of narcissist, for amusement.
I do not help anybody figure me out.
HG, excuse me, I just found out that I have to subscribe via WP to follow all comments.. So – late reaction to your very helpful answer.
He knew that I knew what he was. He confirmed it at times (mostly saying that it was not that bad, lol). So testing (“how much will she take, knowing what she is dealing with?”) and amusement (he visibly enjoyed my reactions) – it both makes sense.
It must have been due to him living in another universe though that I did interpret this as hints to figure him out. 😏
What about this:
Ex N: don’t talk to that guy, he is a psycho, block him
Me: i think you shouldnt stalk my social media, it’s none of your business who i talk to
Ex N: i just check it sometimes, I dont want you to get into trouble because I like you
Me: please stop contacting me. It’s over, it was your decision to break up but it was good for me. It wasnt a healthy relationship.
Ex N: I know, it didnt work out but I really like you, just as a friend and I contact you as a friend, there is nothing to worry about.
Me: I just dont want you to contact me. If you like me, you will respect this. Bye.
Ex N: Of course, I respect. And I’m really sorry for hurting you. Bye.
5 days later he left a comment to my post on social media. It was a kind, friendly comment. I ignored it.
A week later he followed me on this platform (because I unfriended him a few months ago). I didnt react so far.
How can you translate this situation?
Hoovering, the manifestation of a sense of entitlement, a lack of accountability and poor boundary recognition. Using a facade of concern and being “a good guy” along with false contrition to lower your guard.
I always wondered how he explained it to that young woman, when she asked me, “Oh, so you are w’s sister?” and I told her “No, I’m his wife, and I don’t think that his telling people that I am is sister is funny.”
Don’t forget ” oh (he/she ) is just like a (brother/sister) to me”. Meaning “yes I am doing the things with them that I did with you, and more”. Stupid.
Narc lexicon
Dear Mr Tudor,
My friend’s favourites were:-
I never said that
I’m not shallow or callous
I don’t remember
You make me want to be a better man
I guess I’m meant to be single forever
I need time to regroup
I need to sort my head out
I need to be alone
I don’t know why I did that
I don’t know why she contacted me
I don’t know why she said that
Yes I’m alone
No I’m not busy
I couldn’t sleep last night
I’m going to bed early
I randomly disappear
I miss not hearing from you
You’re friendship means everything to me
You were the closest (I think that might’ve meant I was the most stupid, trustworthy, gullible, idiot of all time ) haha
🤢
Thankyou Mr Tudor for the meanings, it helps immensely.
My ears prick up every time now when someone says “I don’t remember” haha
HG, I would appreciate you translating the following said by the narc to his secondary source (identified by you as shelf DLS) where “us” means him and his IPPS: (1) “please give us some space for right now if you really want what is best for us.” and then as part of the same situation the next day
(2) “I will reach out soon.” Thank you
1. I am provoking you by telling you to stay away.
2. I am maintaining hope in your mind that you will her from me and you remain engaged.
Thanks so much, HG. So is (2) given as a comfort crumb?
Yes.
Do you say I love you to your girlfriends? Or is that something you avoid unless brought up by them?
I say whatever is required to get what I want.
How long does it take for them to pick up on it being a lie?
Don’t you ever feel like bursting into laughter sometimes…
Some never do. Some remain unsure. Some take a while to work it out.
Oh yes.
What about “I’m sorry.” He called to tell me “he’s sorry” from an unknown number after I escaped but later found out he had recruited a new primary source while we were still together.
It’s a hoover using false contrition to gain fuel and most likely to draw you back into the Formal Relationship.
OMG… yes, i translated some of my narcs phrases as well:
You rejected me when we were young
Pity me now
I was skinny and not very attractive
Give me positive reinforcement
We should stay connected
Let me abuse you, it pleases me to do so
You can always trust me
Go ahead, tell me your life story
Do you play social games?
I’m going to create an environment to abuse you in
Just go with it
I need more time to manage down your expectations
My wife abused me for years
I abused my wife – and destroyed my family
She did nothing to keep me contented
She did not like my friends with benefits
I only cheated once
That my wife caught on too
We have complicated lives
I’m just looking for sex
Oh, my favorite: Your too sensitive
I’m not that deep
I could go on, lol, but you get the idea. the double talk is constant, if i only saw it early on.I can’t imagine how his wife of many years managed to live with this!
Fool me once…
I often heard the following:
“Relax”, ‘It’s okay”, “Calm down, please”, “Cool your jets”, “Just Breathe”, etc. Usually he would add things to the end like “my darling” or even more silly “my child”. Like “Relax, my child” or “Calm down, please, darling”, stuff like that.
While it sounded like he meant well and was concerned all those comments did was drive my anxiousness even further. Let me guess…..that was the point right? To cause further upset?
I guess I am just wondering if they had any hidden meaning or if they were just some standard stock pile of pre-canned automatic replies.
And why add the “darling” and “child” stuff? For mockery? I have always wanted to say “Stop patronizing me you jackass” but I have yet to get that courage.