The Portentous Remarks of the Narcissist
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner or even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
35 thoughts on “The Portentous Remarks of the Narcissist”
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HG
Have you written a book yet that address those questions and gets into more details of why the women stay and how the narcissist can have long marriages?
Not specifically but the reasons to that are explained in various books.
What I really think is sad is not only is long marriage not a true indicator of sanity or sainthood in relationships, it is also sad that someone can have a long marriage and then divorce. I don’t know which one is worse, not having long marriages and multiple relationships or sharing and dedicating a large chunk of ones life to something that failed in the end…anyways…! I mean I can only imagine the devastation of having been married to someone for a lengthy part of time and then having that union bust apart. Talk about your losses.
Surprisingly with all the red flags it didn’t seem to faze me. I had been married for 34 years and thought maybe this is what dating has become. As someone said you see it so much clearer once your out of it. But I do remember when I first met her saying to her “I can’t believe you have been on your own for 8 years and someone has not snapped you up” Certainly not hard to figure out now though.
Yes. Well as far as me feeling guilty or bad anymore for my past behavior I do not. I have felt bad long enough and I just gotta move on already. I made my peace with the ex narcissist and also full apologies for my behavior that took place before his unmasking. But being married a long time is also not proof of sanity or good behavior. Because my ex narcissist was married 8 years and the one after him was also married 8 years. So previous long marriages are not an insurance policy to stability I found out. Anyways. I’ve often wondered after being so lucky as to have experienced the true men behind the masks (sarcasm)….I’ve wondered how the hell were they both married 8 years? It wasn’t because they were great men or sane….promise! Scary ass people to be honest!
8 years may very well be one year of golden period, 7 years of devaluation/respite periods. Why last that long?
1. There was no disengagement trigger for that period of time; or
2. The victim did not seek to escape. This is the case for many different reasons.
Thanks HG that clears up a lot. I am sure I would have left both of them about a year into devaluation. However 1 year of golden period sounds super sweet! But yeah I just couldn’t see myself dealing with bullshit devaluation for more than a year. That’s all they would get out of me. For my one year of golden period they can have their year of devaluation….but that’s where I draw the line. I could NOT even for a moment imagine 7 ffffing years of bs! No way! However I am not judging the other women or men who have endured these long ass relationships with Satan. But I just cannot! Once I find out the angel is Lucifer…..time to plan my escape!
So glad you escaped Realitysetsinnn. Mine was married for 10 years but had dated his ex-wife on-off for 10 years prior to marriage. I’m thinking there was a lot of devaluation/respite periods with a sprinkling of hoovers. Sure wish I could have talked to her first, but she never seemed to much like me or any other woman he’s ever had, friend or more. I never had an issue or a harsh word with her. So throw in a countless about of triangulations too.
Robert, I said something similar too. I was suspicious of mine from the start, churning gut and everything. But he knew this, so he worked hard to ease my fears. He became almost perfect (for a brief time, of course). He did everything he could to bend into what he thought I wanted, especially whenever I was trying to back away. I fell for this and sincerely asked, “How is a man like you still single? Your willingness to work out any differences is what every woman wants.” I was starting to believe he was misunderstood.
He knew. (Too many failed relationships to not know something might be different… one wife, but too many girlfriends to count.) I assume you two might share children due to the length of your relationship. If so, have you done okay with grandkid events or any other encounters where you’ve had to see her?
BKK
Yeah when we were in the golden period he made the comment….”Tonya you make me a better person.” And I remember thinking hmmm wonder why because he already seemed so good. Then he said….”yeah I’m not looking to be anyone’s project or anything”….I was thinking hmmm…what would anyone need to change about you….yeah anyways!
Honestly, I thought nothing to say of it, I dismissed it, it was said so early on while I was completely and totally enamored with him. 😔
And I still am. Enamored that is.
I understand. There’s something about them that’s hard to shake. I’m not there yet either, but I know I can’t let him continue to degrade me. He was chipping away at a piece of me every day, and I was losing myself through repeated exposure to his hot and cold ways. I still think of him as certain aspects flash in my head without warning… those intimate moments that were so special to me. But the ways he disparaged me otherwise.. I just can’t get over that feeling of being belittled. I wish I knew the answers for us. But you seem like a lovely lady who deserves so much more. Best wishes to you as you move forward.
This article prompted me to recall my narcissist saying that I was too good for him. (Pretty sure that was one of his few truths.) It’s funny how we can see more clearly once something is behind us. On one occasion, mine professed all of this great love for me, then afterwards he sadly added, “Love never lasts.”
I apologize for addressing as a group, but ya’ll shared plenty of entertaining comments here:
RealistySetsIn, I’ve often thought the same. The pictures HG chooses are almost as powerful as his words. I’m a visual person, so I too find these images on Narcsite to be well thought out and intriguing. Please know that we appreciate your time and effort, HG. (That’s was pretty funny SarcNarc!)
Jane… “I want to taste your soul through your lips and steal it.” I’ve never heard that one before, but I can see how those words could have seemed sensual at the time but creepy once you knew he really meant it!
Gabbanzobean… “recovering scumbag” … that one is going to be hard to top. I can only imagine what you thought when he confessed to that!
Nikitalondon, mine said something similar. He said he knew I was a very busy woman and he umderstood that my time was limited. Then he added that he respected how important it was for me to spend time with my son. While I think yours was trying to warn you that some future hurting would be inevitable, I think mine was just trying to carve out time for others. That deceptive, nasty little… (I best stop).
Robert, now you got a full-service warning. She pretty much covered it all! But how did you feel when she said that you were good for her kind of crazy? The hairs on the back of your neck had to stand up for that one.
Mine said in our 6 month relationship
– I can be a bitch just don’t piss me off
– I’m F****d up I have had a long line of broken relationships
– Your good for my kind of crazy
– Are you ready for the ride
– You should just dump me
– I can be a handful
– I always hurt those closest to me
– I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop
– I can be hard to follow
– Dished out lots of the silent treatment
– Oozed sarcasm
– I don’t want you to get hurt
– Always very passive/aggressive
– She once said to me Most men don’t hang around past 3 months
– You have no idea what you are getting into
She did me a favor and got pissed at me just before Christmas and dumped me
And many other comments that left me feeling unbalanced
She sounds like a histrionic narc.
Robert
I was just gonna say. A full fledge narcissist doesn’t have introspection ability. But an emotionally disorder person can. She may have been disordered and in addition had some narcissistic characteristics. The one thing I have noticed from reading this blog is that I am a bit different from a lot of the women on here who give their stories of their narcissist. Want to know how I’m different? I am different because before I met my greater narcissist and he wounded me deeply…..I was not a great person myself in relationships. I was a mess. I was highly possessive and jealous. I used triangulation any chance I could to make them jealous. I was arrogant. I was impossible to deal with or make happy. I have changed a lot. But the difference in my story with my ex narcissists possibly greater is that I actually did him wrong before he ever acted up. I was putting him through it and he had never done one thing to me to cause it. I treated him like crap. He took it for awhile but he eventually got his revenge and he showed me who was the boss. I can honestly say I unwittingly brought all of his behaviors and punishment on myself. I did him wrong before he ever acted up. See I had never come across a greater narcissist because to be honest I could manipulate a lesser pretty easily. I did several times looking back. Several. I was also very manipulating myself. The irony in all of this is what it took a greater narcissist to sober me the hell up and realize how truly shitty I was. If it’s hadn’t have been for him wounding me and punishing me and just being a greater narcissist I would have never realized my bad behavior and been able to change it. You just cannot out manipulate a greater and at the time I had no idea about narcissism I just knew I could manipulate very well and most men were weak. I too have a emotional disorder but it is not narcissism as I have an ability to introspect and feel empathy and guilt. I had a lot of abuse in my childhood and I believe most of my family were narcissist including the two uncles who molested me. Anyways that all equates to fucked up! Fear of abandonment, controlling out of fear. Most of my behaviors were fear and anger driven. But I had manipulation down pretty well even though I wasn’t manipulating to be evil it was a survival instinct. Due to my horrible upbringing and abuse of all kinds n childhood. Like I said had I not run across this pit bull of narcissist I wouldn’t have learned how bad I actually was and it also increased my empathy as well. Sometimes suffering is what it takes. That’s what it took for me. Although that was not the greater narcs intentions with me, that is the result because due to my experience with him and no closure from him, I was forced to take a good long hard 4 year long look at myself. It was a self dicovery for me and what I learned about myself was not pretty it was really ugly. I will say the Greater taught me well he really did. And even though he didn’t intend for that or even care what the outcome was for me….he will always remain in my mind and heart as one of the most important people I have ever met. He actually pointed to and led me down a road of self discovery I never would have found were it not for me falling for him. That I should no lie! One saying my ex alcoholic friend use to always say was when your pointing one finger at someone else….3 more are pointing right back at you! I did in the end send him an email apologizing for my shitty treatments of him in the beginning and that I knew I had brought it all on myself. That it was me who wronged him first. That even if he was a bad man with bad intentions….at the time I treated him badly I didn’t know that. He was still being so nice to me when I was acting up. I didn’t know what he was. I was just being my shitty self. And that’s again even if he was bad man with bad intentions I still did wrong by him and I still wronged him first. In reply to that email he called me and said thank you for that email. We aren’t talking or anything it was just a call. But at least I can be at peace with myself now knowing that I took responsibility for my wrongs which were many. Now I can quit being the victim and quit without bad intention hurting others as I have and making them victims. One thing I have learned about being a human and emotions is NOTHING is ever black and white….only different shades of grey!
Holy fucking shit! I was just asking HG, attempting to figure out if I was an unaware Narcissist, even though I think I experience empathy. Still, thought it’s possible I mistake empathy for something else. And then I saw your comment. So glad I didn’t scroll through.
Our stories are quite comparable. I started manipulating, triangulating, lying, fairy-tail creating, over-delivering just to starve him for it after, and all this was done long before my ex Narcissistic boyfriend started with his devaluation of me. While he was love bombing me, I was doing my own little thing to him. I unconsciously kept wounding him during our “Golden Period.” Now I learned that I did it because of my own insecurities and fears and I suspect I should add my ego to that mix. Like you, I too caused my own devaluation but well, we know it’s inevitable anyway.
The difference between our stories is that I knew he was a “bad boy”, not to be trusted and I usually go for these types and like to leave an impact. I saw nothing wrong with it either. I don’t like to muddle up the good ones, however. I like to think of myself as a Miss Robin Hood, taking away from the cocky rich and donating to the poor.
Greater Malignant Narcissist is what my ex is and after going through terrifically confusing times I discovered this disorder. And forget about seeing through his behavior, most of his manipulations were always clear to me despite being clueless of NPD, but more importantly I am finally starting to see through my own bullshit.
I thought I loved him, but it was an obsession on my part because I could feel I had no control over him, it was unusual for me and it was driving me mad.
Essentially what I thought was love was really a power and control match between the two of us. Or an acting contest. But somewhere between our lies I felt something for him, I think. Not love but something. I can’t say I miss him. But he was this oxymoronic thing, thing that at one point overpowered me, no doubt. I too once had this thought of apologizing for things he doesn’t even know I’ve done. But I’m not sure. At times, I don’t even want to think about ever contacting him again, just leave him in confusion we both fabricated. And really what’s the point? I hurt him, he hurt me, then he hurt me again. But then other times… Well I now know that I hurt the already hurt one and it doesn’t seem very Robin Hoody of me.
You say you are an empath and have Narcissistic family members. I’m still trying to find out what I am, I’m alright but I feel something is off. I feel maybe I have an angel complex with a little twist.
Melina
Yeah well the good thing is that you can both recognize and admit your faults in relationships or that you have. That’s the starters of self discovery and I myself have a built of a self punishing guilt thing going on as well. But your off to a good start. Admitting your bs as we call it. The bullshit that we dish out. Yeah thanks for our reply it helps me as well. Sometimes a person feels they are the only one but there are so many others that go through and have gone through this. I personally want to learn from it once and for all cause I’m the end my heart is the one that got broken. Yes I don’t like to be mean to the nice ones either. I think I use to like the bad boy as well but after experiencing a true bad boy I no longer feel that way! But as I said the introspection you have right now keeps you from being a true narcissist in my opinion. Wish you the best!
Realitysetsinnn, so very true. I too got burnt, hence why I started looking for answers. Then I discovered Narcissism and the more I read the more I identified with them. Like some of the posts HG Tudor has from Narcissistic perspective, hit home. But others don’t. So it gets super confusing.
Finding your comment helped a lot. I have gained a lot of self-awareness through the process already and will continue to work on myself.
Good luck and best wishes to you too!
“I don’t want you to get hurt” yup
I have a question on #9 which I think I may have asked in the past but I cannot recall right now so I am asking again. But about #9, “you shouldn’t do this”. I often heard it slightly modified, not delivered in the usual sense but rather it was formulated in a question. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
He never told me what he felt I should or shouldn’t do. He always worded it in a question “are you sure you want….” or so on.
I guess I am wondering if that can also be applied to #9. But why word it as a question? It almost seems as if he wanted to challenge me but was worried to act authoritative and flat out say “you shouldn’t”. So he spun it around in a question. Why?
“the less time you spend with me the better for you” … This blog did not exist at that time 😢
I know this will sound weird but the guys eyes kinda look like they are actually looking at you….hahahah! No I am not drinking promise but yeah just something. Maybe I’m just weird! I am a bit different I know.
Ok I’ll just say it the guy is extremely attractive hahahahaha! Ok I’m stopping promise! 😊
My narc’s were:
“I’m an asshole”
“You should just block me”
“I’m so glad I didn’t know you back then”
“I have no feelings”
“I want to taste your soul through your lips and steal it” (lmao I thought this was so poetic at the time now it’s just creepy)
“You make me feel like a vampire”
Jane,
Mine said “I am a scumbag”.
Me: “No you’re not!”
Him: “Yes I am. I am a recovering scumbag”
Sounds familiar! I used to respond with stupid things like “well you’re the nicest asshole I’ve ever met.” Or “you’re really sweet for an asshole.” And he’d always respond with something along the lines of “yeah, don’t tell anyone.” Or “lets keep that our little secret.”
HG
i am really really curious to know ( just came in my mind) what a narcissist, who of course, has more than one woman, who will he spend his Valentine date with ? And how will he get away with the ones he has left out?
What do you do? or what did you do?
That pic looks like mulder from xfiles 😄
My narc dropped hints at the beginning. Id say way more than now. Maybe he expected it to be over right away idk.
Hed tell me he wanted me addicted to him and clingey….red flag!!!
What about when you were told things like “I’m a good person” or “I’m a great catch”? These were the opposite of the truth. The actions gave him away, but never the words.
Wanting you to agree so fuel is provided.
I believe I was in a 6 month relationship with a lesser or mid-range Narcissist. She was very sarcastic and mean if confronted , extremely passive/aggressive and used the silent treatment often! Sometimes for days. There were many red flags now that I look back, but I guess I chose to ignore. Just before Christmas she cut me loose suddenly after I resisted to her cancelling plans on me last minute for about the 12 time. The week previous she told I am becoming quite attached to you, I don’t care where we go as long as I am with you, you are so positive and good for my kind of crazy.
– I can be bitch
– Been divorced 8 years and complained daily about her ex narcissist
– I’m fucked up
– I have had many broken relationships
– My kids come first, but I told you that at the beginning
– I have a very busy life, I told you that at the beginning
– I don’t want you to get tired of me
– I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end!
HG
There is just something about that guys eyes in the picture for this article. I’m not sure where you get the pictures or you make them yourself but mannnnn the people truly depict the article well. I’ve always admired your pictures for the articles. I always think….wow….anyways lol
RealistySetsIn,
Maybe you just meant you liked the eyes, but if you were wondering what was slightly odd, then you could cover the right half of the pictured guy’s face and then cover the left side. Do you see two different emotions? One is probably faked (I’d venture the guy either has Bell’s Palsy or was having an OK time in his photoshoot, so he couldn’t go all angry at the photographer’s whim).
SarcNarc
You are freaking hilarious….your comment had me literally laughing out loud! Too funny! Ok let me look again. Yes the eyes are cool though and super intense kinda scary intense a bit.