Bound
One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.
We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.
These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.
Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.
You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.
The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.
The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.
71 thoughts on “Bound”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Clarece, I really appreciate what you wrote to SadSteffi. I find it very empowering, comforting, and reassuring. I followed your story with JN last year and I am so happy to see how far you have gone in your healing. You are a fine example that it can be done. Thank you for being the light that you are. Keep on shining!
Awww, thank you I-Learner! Virtual fist bump to you!
Not all days are great, but I would say I’ve returned to about 85-90% sassy, hopeful and funny MLA. So I do like to try to cheer others on especially when I recognize that same low point I had been at. Plus you readers have been great cheerleaders to me too!
It’s like Narc Angel said. This blog is like Hotel California. You can never quite leave.
Clarece,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
I know I need not detail all the emotions I’m feeling right now – because you know them already. It is comforting to know you also see my situation from a DLS (albeit shelved, which in itself is demoralising) point of view.
I can honestly say I have no self esteem right now (exacerbated by another loss in my life unfortunately) which makes me want to contact him desperately but I know in my heart of hearts that he doesn’t want me let alone love me, or he would have have made arrangements to meet up by now.
I’m of a forgiving nature & as I have done with everyone else ever in my life, I can forgive & excuse him too. I am well aware of his distorted mind & I really believe there is part of him that genuinely wants to change because he knows his behaviour is wrong & doesn’t like it. I hope this is not another manipulation. He has been spending a lot of time in church (when it is empty so – no audience for the facade)) praying & speaking with the priest. He’s not aware I know of this. I want to help him so much (but at the moment not from afar)
I am meeting friends for coffee & concentrating on work as a distraction but he is the first & last thing I think about every day without wanting to & he is parallel in my mind even when I’m absorbed in other things (if you see what I mean)
I so want my love to be reciprocated by the right man & at the moment I can’t even contemplate that this may never happen…..
I guess you’re right that it all takes time….
Still sad but amazed by all the support & its positve effect
SadSteffi
Hello BurntKrispyKeen
That is no mess up above.
It is truth.
I need to shake off my jealousy of his partner and those potential intimate partners I notice him studying – I’m not at all jealous of his few other friends. I am rarely jealous of anything but he has brought this ugly emotion out in me – perhaps this element is a lesson for me…
I’m hurting badly though. I need to get real but I love his poor, tormented soul
I wish you well
I know Steffi. Everything you are feeling is normal.
When we love someone, he has a piece of our heart forever. We are simply unable to turn off our feelings as if they never existed.
Love is love.
But sometimes we have to learn to love them from afar.
It will get better. You will not find yourself forever hurting in the manner you are right now. Always remember….
This Too Shall Pass.
Dear HG
NarcAngel, BurntKrispyKeen, Shesaw, Bibi, Wounded, Realitysetsinnn
I have read & re read everything you have said. I cried & cried some more. I can’t put into words what a profound effect your responses have had. It is true I have not experienced all the horrors some of you have but I’m still in a place where I feel I deserve to & at the moment would willingly accept whatever he wanted to dole out to me just to be with him. The lying & cheating crush me the most though. I know that with your support I WILL get over this.
I am deeply touched, humbled & grateful for your kindnesses
SadSteffi
SadSteffi
Aweeee…..I want to hug you. You seem like such a sweet girl. Wish I could rescue you.
Hello SadSteffi,
I felt the same way. The typical characteristics of needing to be the center of attention, or correcting me when I misspoke or exaggerating stories… those mood swings… those little annoyances were nothing compared to his lying and cheating.
That break in trust… that deception of making us believe we are so special… those words are cheapened and that special bond we cherished is destroyed the very moment we realize it was an illusion. Yet, just as Realitysetsinnn says… it’s the illusion we love. It is the illusion we struggle to forget.
As harsh as this is… do your best to focus on the reality of how he treats you and realize that the illusion wasn’t just for you.
Regarding my narcissist, when I heard from one of his pursuits that he said many of the same things to her that he spoke to me, that was the hardest dose of reality to swallow. Some of his wording and phrases were changed a bit, but having a chance to talk to one of the women he was cheating with gave me enough disgust to realize he wasn’t likely ever going to change. My purpose to reach out to her was to find out if an actual physical encounter took place as he was trying his best to downplay his involvement with her. But she spoke to me because she was almost as disgusted to find out that I even existed as he portrsyed himself as the loneky bacherlor to her as well. (She lives in a city two hours away.) They only had sexual intercourse twice, according to her, but it was her confession that helped to slap me into reality.
I was able to hear with my own ears that he seduced her in a very similar fashion, with the same stories and the same techniques. He didn’t tell her that he loved her. Those words he saved for me, but having to hear that their physical encounter replicated some of the exact details of the things he did to me… that image was enough to make me see that he really didn’t love me, at least not in the way I need to be loved.
Our mind will play tricks on us though Steffi. When he was trying to get me back by going to therapy, I told myself that because he saved those three little words for me, maybe I can get past this??? And I tried. But coming to grips with the realization that she wasn’t the only one (because for him, one will likely never be enough.) … That realization helped me to know I’d probably be fighting this for as long as I was with him. And if course, HG’s words confirm that to be the case. There will be others.
As much as I tried to bring to the table, tried to offer him as a woman… I can’t compete against the world.
So revisiting the notion that yours will likely always have many women strung along… that might help you, Steffi, during those times when you find yourself missing something special about the way he looks or the way he feels. For me, reminding myself that those special moments we shared, were in essence, cookie-cutter moments… that image helped. Actually, it helped me to find him to be repulsive.
But that still doesn’t keep me immune to that magnetic pull he has on me. So stay strong Steffi.
It takes a long time to accept the loss of something that seemed so special. But the more you read HG’s words, the more you open up to expose your pain… and the more you distance yourself from this man… the more you heal.
Best wishes to you Steffi, as you work to make him a fading memory and move closer to finding a love that nourishes you from within.
This stuff still gets me misty-eyed.
I can no longer see well up close. Add that the letters on my phone have shrunk, so I hope you can decipher that mess up above, Steffi, as I struggle to shake typos too. But the message is the same. Here you will find the support to help you move forward. So Hang in There…
I am still struggling with the aftermath too SadSteffi. It helps realizing that I do not appreciate that some viewed me as no more than a household appliance. I am good enough. I refuse to let him strip me of the things that make me unique and manipulate the people close to me to do so.
Beautifully written HG. Thank you so much.
Wounded
Thank you – I’m humbled at everyone’s support & solidarity.
Thank you also NarcAngel – you talk so much sense – please continue to offer your advice to me.
I’m still desolate but feel less lonely because you have bothered about me
SadSteffi
Narc angel is totally right. But that being said, I get what you mean. See I was in the process of becoming his No.1…but as I realized something was really wrong with him…I started to pull away and he became very put out with me because I just couldn’t let him get by with his behavior. No matter what I had done to bring out his anger at me….his behavior and words were unacceptable to me. I told him this as well. He could not handle being confronted about his words or behaviors…..I could not let it go…as fear began to develope more…I became more and more rebellious against him…though I wanted to be his no. 1…..I realized that the price tag for that position was way to high for me. I realized the price tag was way more than I truly realized and that I would basically be his slave. To do with whatever he wanted whenever he wanted…that he would not have to respect me…that he wouldn’t handle me with care…but most likely abuse. I also realized he would most likely cheat on me as he was very hyper sexual. Seriously addicted to porn and not the good kind! I meant porn is not good but not the normal porn. Sadistic! Yeah I wasn’t signing up for sex slave….house slave…I sware he thought he was a god! Anyways
I get tot he point where I see is as an addiction, like wine, I can’t have just one drink. I can’t think straight and take the right decision for me… I stopped drinking while I was with the narcissist and believe me , being sober is harder because you can’t just turn your blind eye anymore on the bs. So I also got to the point to acknowledge it was not love, it was and still is addiction. How did I took care of my drinking problem… I don’t drink anymore and I engage actively in group support and self care. Same with the Narc – no contact- self care and group support.
On My Journey
You have made a great decision in going no contact and finding support here. Kudos on being able to wean yourself from one addiction and using the logic in how you dealt with that to apply to this new addiction. That is great logic over emotional thinking and necessary to achieve success.
I remember listening to one of your live Youtube Q&As a long time ago. I remember answering someones question, and you said, “The Narcissist never loved you… and if you really think about it, you never really loved the Narcissist.” It took me back for a second, because we always think it is love, because the relationship dynamic really grips us at a soul level. It really isn’t.
Your feelings were love, that cannot be denied, but you did not love the narcissist – you loved the illusion.
I sooooo loved ❤️ the illusion! I wanted to marry the illusion…I miss the illusion. The illusion was my best friend and he has been missing so long. The illusion was my passionate lover….my protector….my hope for a better life….the reason I woke up happy! The birds were chirping…the sky was bluer….the stars were brighter and the moon was all mine! Then it was all gone in the blink of an eye! The illusion I loved!
This ia what freightens me most is the aftermath but you have to go thru it to be free. Theres no shortcuts where the hearts concerned.
What a great post! Thank you.
I have a question. My ex narc broke up with me 4 months ago. I don’t contact him at all, he is the one who reaches out to me a few times a month. Sometimes he is a little bit mean, sometimes he is friendly, sometimes he acts jealous but It leads nowhere so I started ignoring him and reading about narcissists. His reaction to my no contact makes me feel like a stupid child. He thinks it is immature, he acts like the relationship and the break up was no big deal and that we should act like “normal adults” who can talk to each other from time to time. It’s a kind of blackmail “if you ignore me and dont talk to me, you are a drama queen, dont be so pathetic and childish, stop fighting with me, we should be friends!” and he doesnt understand why I no longer want him in my life, he wants me to feel guilty for being immature kid who ignores him. So frustrating. What is his true mindset? Is it a common narcisstic tactic to prevent no contact by telling the victim it is pathetic and immature?
HG
Your dedication and machine-like efficiency in moderating today was most impressive and your interaction appreciated. Thank you.
NA
You are welcome.
NarcAngel
Your support comes at the right time as did HG’s speedy response. I am a very weak person & feeling extremely vulnerable, perhaps that’s reality setting in, I don’t know. I’m only a DLS & don’t wish to undermine anyone who has been a IPPS. My emotional thinking has me craving for that elevated position.
Thank you
SadSteffi
An IPPS is the furthest thing from an elevated position and one you should be running from-not aspiring to. Think about it. The IPPS is the one closest to him. You see that as romantic and spending more time with him and fantasize about all of the lovely things you will do and how everything will be wonderful if you can just get closer to him.
The brutal truth is that she is only available to him for more abuse. Subject to his endless mood swings and whatever other forms of abuse he doles out (that you have just not yet experienced or can imagine). They may appear to have what you want but it is all an illusion.
The IPPS is chosen for his/her ability to provide the most potent fuel with the greatest frequency in the closest proximity. Lets put that in simple terms: They are subject to the greatest abuses. Emotional, physical, financial, (things you have likely not been subjected to yet as a DLS who sees him with less frequency).
Being the most abused is not an elevated position, and wanting to be number one to an abuser is nothing to aspire to. Stay here learning and reading until that sinks in.
SadSteffi:
You are stronger than you think because you are here trying to find answers, which is more than what can be said about his current fuel source.
We all begin recovery at the bottom so if this is your weakest, you will only get stronger.
Right now you are looking to him for your validation and equating what he decides is good fuel as somehow ‘better’.
These narcissists see people very black and white and what they think is ‘good fuel’ is entirely subjective. It is very possible that he might know that you are onto him and she is not. Also, he might view you as ‘stale’ as they do with all their sources, over time.
There is simply nothing that can be done about this.
I recommend reading some of the letters written to the narcissist that HG has posted, where many come from the pov of primary sources.
Cheating, lying, silent treatments, devaluing, passive aggression. That is not a place to strive for.
And keep in mind the only reason he thinks her fuel is better because chances are she is 1) Newer and also 2) more willing to do as he wants, in addition to her having something he can use/take from her.
What he does is out of your control, but you can control your emotional thinking and how you view yourself. Never hand your validation over to a narcissist. Never let them decide your worth.
‘Cause they themselves aren’t worth it.
Hello SadSteffi!
A lot of what you write about your current state resonates because I equally felt as low myself a couple of years ago. On top of it, while being on here, I connected the dots on being a DLS also and found that so demoralizing and dehumanizing.
Although I was bad at staying No Contact whenever JN reached out to me, I became very good at staying No Contact for myself and those periods of time stretched longer and longer. Honestly, you may have to give yourself about a year to start feeling more yourself. Your body has also undergone such stress that you don’t even realize. It absorbs so much of the toxicity in these relationships. But over time, the longer you go with no contact, during those breaks, you’ll find some things that make you forget yourself and actually see the return of a sense of humor and laughing more and filling your time and your days with other things completely non-related to the Narc. Any close friends or family that you have to do things with that you enjoy will help immensely. Even at first if you feel they are babysitting you while you’re so down. Each time, he returns, if he does, you’ll start to find him less appealing because what he’ll be offering will seem so minute to what you thought it was when it was the illusion. Once “you” start coming back to yourself, you cherish not letting anyone ever make you feel that low again. And you will never settle being a DLS ever again. You will have brighter, sunnier days eventually. It takes time.
Can a narcissist be poorly in his facial emotion mirroring ? He was speeding in everything to make me his “New”Intimate primary source immediately first day , But his lack off emotional expression just could not go unnoticed . Just kept staring at my mouth not one smile ever ! and a lifeless stare . He tried to laugh once it seemed like he had to throw up . Scary individual ! . No contact already for sure.
Yes they can.
Wow ….sounds like my ex…is he from Canada ? Lol
I am feeling particularly sad right now. I am only a DLS (dumped, on the shelf, same difference….) but am still bound to him but feel abandoned. MRN. I am in deeply in love with him & so want to be his no. 1 – please don’t judge me. I am experiencing ugly feelings of jealousy. I’m beginning to realise I don’t stand a chance, yes I am useful to him for information & connections but he really does adore her so much & remains with her & ignores me. It upsets me to think I’m not good enough. I can’t accept it’s not real with her. I can’t accept he doesn’t want me. I sound pathetic I know.
This is the product of your emotional thinking. You need to control it and listen to logic, because logic will tell you
1. He is a narcissist. Get out and stay out.
2. He is a narcissist. He does not adore her. He adores her fuel.
3. He is a narcissist. Assuming she is the IPPS she WILL be devalued. There is no happy ever after.
4. He is a narcissist. Yes, you are not good enough to him, but then nobody will be.
5. He is a narcissist. It is an illusion that he is showing her.
Your emotional thinking wants you to ignore these facts and remain engaged. No contact must be imposed, your must purge and address your emotional thinking. By doing this, these “obstacles” you have described which are stopping you from moving forward, will reduce until they are negligible and have zero impact.
Thank you for your logic. One part of my brain knows this to be true, another part can’t come to terms with how convincing he is. What if he isn’t a narcissist & ive maligned him? I feel gutted when I see him catching the eye of a potential target – logic tells me it’s for fuel, then my emotions tell me it’s personal. Want to get out on the one hand & stay put on the other. Implementation is so unbelievably hard
Sadsteffi
No. What is so unbelievably hard is dedicating your all to someone and it never being enough. Ever. And then regretting ever having done so when he makes it abundantly clear to you and you finally realize that you never were. Get out before he takes any more from you. You know what he is.
And it is those four little words that are the most powerful in helping to heal… HE. IS. A. NARCISSIST.
It wasn’t until my consultation with HG that I was able to confirm who I was up against.
After consulting with you, HG, those words became my mantra. Tons of thoughts whirled in my head, but during those moments of weakness, I’d say out loud, in the deepest voice I could manage, in the thickest British accent I could feign… “He is a narcissist.”
I said it over and over. I said it out loud. I screamed it in private. I whispered it in public. When lost in thoughts, I mindlessly said it to where others could hear. I’m sure they wondered why I was speaking as if I were pretending to be British royalty? But I didn’t care. Those were the words I needed to accept.
(I actually got pretty good at it HG. If during one of your audio lessons you ever need a voice-stand-in, just talk to my agent.)
It’s a long journey to walk away from a narcissist, but accepting what he or she is… that truly is the most crucial step towards healing.
Hi SadSteffi,
I think we all have felt at some point what you are feeling now and I see it as an act of courage to tell this here in the open.
First of all, please listen to HG, there is so much truth in his explanation of emotional thinking and how to handle it.
In addition, what greatly helped me to step outside the vicious cirlce of push and pull was to realise that the triangulation and all the manipulation that came with it, is trauma bonding (a form of psychological conditioning – google those words!).
It supressed my logical thinking big time.
To understand the conditioning, how it is done and how effective it is (I suppose this is another form of logical thinking) – enables you to disempower it and regain your logical thinking.
Stay with us and grow strong. You will!
Shesaw
I will stay with you all, you can help me grow strong, I have no one else to confide in… who understands…I just want to be loved & at the moment I’m (stupidly) happy to substitute love for abuse. I don’t feel courageous. I have looked up trauma bonding as you suggested – so intrinsically evil – but that person who inflicts this must be deeply wounded & afraid. Thank you for your reassurnce that all WILL be well
Absolutely Shesaw… I bet most of us here have experienced that gut-wrenching, curled into a lifeless ball type of heartbreak.
SadSteffi, I’ve cried over mine ’til the tears were unable to further produce. I’d be okay for a bit, drink a glass of water and then, as if the rehydration allowed the tears to fill, I’d be back to releasing more. I can remember going to work the following morning, eyes red and puffy, trying to function on only a few hours of broken sleep. I was consumed with thoughts of him.
If you are in this type of despair, please see that you are not alone.
It seems almost impossible to imagine life without them. It is a struggle giving up all of the wonderful attributes we believe they present: the way they tell a story or the way they command the room just by entering; the way they touch us or the way their voice sounds when they speak the sweetest words; the way they always smell good or make the cutest expressions… whatever it is, we are bound to the thinking that they are the only ones who can bring about this type of sensation.
We give a narcissist too much credit believing that he is the only man who can deliver that little tingle. (Not that you or I are ready for that, but I am starting to acknowledge that the world is full of people, kind people… Steffi, know that there are other men who would be eager to have a chance to show you the ways you want to be treated.)
I know it’s all too raw to think that far ahead now. I can guess that, like I did, you think no other man will bring to you the same feelings. And having to see yours interact with another only compounds the trauma. It is natural to have the feelings you are experiencing, to feel the jealousy. But please know you are reacting to an illusion. Know that it is highly unlikely that he is as happy as he seems. I feel comfortable saying that because I’ve yet to see one who is truly happy… not in the ways you and I can experience. (Pretty sure he’s not as contented in his current position as he appears.) As HG has taught us, they are masters at illusion. And remember… as the others will tell you, the qualities they offer us are never consistent, and for the most part, nor are they real.
Accepting that he is of the kind who will not have your best interest at heart… this will help you to heal. I understand how hard it is to move forward. I second guessed myself in the same way Steffi. For a long time, I wasn’t sure if mine was a bona-fide narcissist. He certainly fit the criteria, loud and clear. But my heart didn’t want to accept that he was the actual real-deal… because that meant I had to give up on hope.
While I’ll always hold hope that anyone who wishes and chooses, can better him/herself… I am fully aware that narcissists rarely change. And when they do, it’s often for the worse, especially as they age. Accepting that your fellow has issues beyond your control and having the mindset that you want to live a life where you are valued for all of the special qualities you bring into this world… Steffi, that will open you up to further healing. That effort might only last for a moment. You’ll likely bounce all over the place with your emotions. But keep coming back to your vision of how you want to be treated. Even if you have to do that 100 times each day.
It is a long process, and I am still healing… right along with you, right along with the others. So no matter how lonely he makes you feel, remember that you’ll never be alone. We’re right here.
Best wishes to you Steffi.
SadSteffi,
You are being triangulated. He is being happy (or acting like it) and
you feel broken and lost. Does he care?
Please realise how he makes you feel now. Notice how unloved you feel. How trapped. How you are comprimising your self-respect for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and wanting and start noticing in real time what is happening to you and how it is effecting you.
If you cannot step out or go no contact right now – I would say that is understandable. We all went back to our narcs several times.
If you decide to stay some longer in this relationship – an important thing to start regaining your power is to keep reminding yourself (over and over again) to stop fantasizing about what is not happening.
Shesaw
It’s reassuring to hear from you again. You are right – I do need a reality check, I am living in a fantasy in my mind. It doesn’t help that I love him even though I know he doesn’t love me because I love him despite this. I can’t bear to think what caused him to be a narcissist & this enables me to forgive him.
I wouldn’t call it a “bond ” in the strict(est) sense of the word since bond implies a close connection joining two or more people.
As far as I know, narcissists do not connect with people.
I would call it more an addiction that they create in us through highs and lows.
In that sense the symptoms of the aftermath are understandably painful and difficult to deal with and could be compared to the symptoms of withdrawal when quitting any other addiction…
SX
I agree on the addiction point but it can be understood as an “addiction bond”.
HG,
Although fuel sources are replaceable, would you say the narcissist maintains an addiction bond to our fuel?
Thank you
We are addicted to fuel yes, where it comes from varies.
Hello Mara,
Yes, it is just a matter os semantics. I guess you can call it many different names:
addiction bond,addiction “love”, addiction connection, addiction attachment etc.
What I wanted to point out is just exactly the addictive element which can explain why the aftermath is so hard to deal with.
As for the Narcissist, what I meant is that they do not connect , attach or bond TO PEOPLE but to the FUEL they acquire from people. That is why the sources of supply are so easily expendable. How and why this is an addiction to the Narcissist can be accurately explained by HG.
…something that makes me wonder if:
-is it a need for fuel for survival ?
-or is it an addiction to fuel ?
-or when does the need for fuel become an addiction?
The mirror impact is what got me. These people know what plagues your deepest soul. They make you feel like your doing this to yourself! That’s why I can’t get away. I can’t get away from myself.😔
You can’t get away of yourself, however, you can learn how to spot them in order to avoid or minimise the drama.
Maybe you can even toy with them a bit – specially Lessers, because they cannot keep the beast under control so when you play a prank over them they cannot cope! I did it a few weeks ago and I’m still laughing 😀
Please tell me it isn’t true that we can’t fully get passed this. I couldn’t handle that.
Your susceptibility to our kind will always be there. However, there is a lot you can do to tackle that susceptibility so that it ends up having zero impact on you.
Yes, HG, we can never purge that bond completely, but I made the experience that he vanished in my mind earlier than I thought it would last. Very often it is only the fantasy of the narc that they really still play a role in the victim`s life. At that time, when I understood that he did not love me at all and it was not my guilt and I do not depend on “his” crazy love , he crumbled a lot in my memory. Therefore he tried to keep the bond through stupid messages, which made him crumble much more. As you told, your kind tries to keep the bond artificially. If charm does not work your kind uses threats or whatever your kind thinks that it works.
It is always a power play and the roles can switch, if ourselves are prepared. If our kind does really understand that he is an eternal enemy then you know what to do. It depends on the kind of narc, what kind of reaction and action is best. Go away, if he is a lesser. There is no chance to win against the physical violence of them. But mostly they are stupid. So take your chance to use their stupidity. Study your enemy and bring him to fall. There is no bond. The (good) bond existed only in fantasy. It was always a steel chain.
If it is a greater, then run. An empathic or normal person will never get that malice to bring them to fall alone. But…. if many, many people connect, there is a chance.
A mid range?
He or she is now no problem at all anymore. If you understand them, they are easily to beat. Maybe we need some narcissistic traits to do that and maybe we need a trait to use some emotional violence and strengths and maybe we have to lessen our natural empathy and have to put a blanket about our conscience but then…
They are only disordered people with strange thoughts. There is no need to support them or to feel any empathy for them. They chose their kind of life themselves. Do not disappoint their thoughts. Show them, how cruel you are.
‘You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do.’
This was to me, the worst part. I would get so angry at myself for letting myself be treated this way by anybody! Yet, I couldn’t ignore him, unless I was physically distant, unable to be contacted, and no persons or possessions within my sight that could even be remotely connected to him.
Still thoughts of him would come out of nowhere. Fewer and fewer memories of the golden period, and more of the harsh treatments. But, they still came without bidding.
There is a scientific explanation for that. It is called addiction. It is real addiction, and has neurological basis:
https://neuroinstincts.com/spellbinding-bond-narcissists-psychopaths-neurobiology/
Intermittent positive reinforcement, and trauma bonding help cause the stronger than normal ties to the Narcissist.
Yes, logically it doesn’t make sense to stay or even care about the narcissist. No one is more aware of this than an escaped victim. Your failure to protect yourself feels shameful. Just as you would feel with any other addiction: drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, food.
Now I have the interesting thought that ketamine therapy for addiction may be helpful in shortening recovery from narcissistic bonds.
Those last few sentences says it all for me HG. It’s during the aftermath that the ties that bind hurts more than ever. We should by then after a period of grief and self reflection be set completely free and usually we’re not able to reach freedom from you easily. Instead, in the midst of painstakingly putting together all those bits and pieces of the person we used to be prior to you, we also have to summon all our remaining strength to resist those claws and hooks you insidiously put in place to secure our bond with you. It’s pure hell, but it’s still an amazing journey into ourselves. I hope I will say one day that I wouldn’t want to be without it. I’m still not quite there yet though.
Immensely well written HG!
Thank you.
Have you ever hear Talking Heads’ song Psycho Killer? It is my personal interpretation the song describes a narc. And the only solution is in the chorus: “Psycho Killer, /Qu’est que ce? / Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better / Run run run run away”, because this is how dangerous they are. They may not kill you, but they will kill something inside of you, that is for sure.
Wise words.
this is how wide open i was…. mine told me, told me to my face to ‘walk away’ to not get involved, to run while i could. moments before the first time we had sex, in which he fulfilled a fantasy of mine that i’d already told him all about, within a few weeks of spending time with him. i thought it was a line he used to make himself appear more mysterious, dangerous, etc. he is dangerous, but not mysterious. hes actually quite predictable and boring, such a cliche.
Yes, Nan, after you decipher them, they are quite predictable and soon enough it becomes boring.
Now I am thinking racionally again I can imagine the nex googling “How to make a woman fall in love with you?” and then WikiHow teaches one has to share a meaningful moment, like caring for a puppy, singing a love song on duet or kissing underwater. Then he comes uninvited stay a month in my house and he’s like “Let’s go to the waterpark! This weekend we have to go to a karaoke! We will adopt a dog, right?” Then I feel like I’m living with a 4 years old and give him the hike. He must be trying to sue WikiHow this very moment.
Carol M
Your comment painted a picture of him that made me laugh. Absurd indeed.
Narc Angel, hello again!
It may look comical now, but is the most likely explanation to his behaviour. Being a Lesser, he had poor cognitive skills and low energy levels. Also, he is just like a small child who does not understand a primary school task and came how whining about how harsh the teacher is. Also, now we all may laugh but while he was staying in my house I felt stressed as never before in my life.
Hello HG- another great accompanying photo. Does the midrange narc know that they create this bond or do they just “know” it because they believe everyone wants them since they’re constantly manipulating and flirting (somatics at least)
Also what does the narc really “feel” about past Intimate supply who they’ve disengaged from? Do they forever desire them physically/sexually? Or is it more about emotional fuel and control?
They do not know.
It is about fuel and control.
It is amazing how good their hold is on their victims. It has been 6 months since i broke free and no contact since then, but still his hold is there and i wonder how he is doing even though he treated me so badly at the end..i still get furious to think he is getting away with his fakery. I know he is still with his wife and other 2 IPSS’s though and can only assume his lies are either never questioned by them or they simply dont put 2 and 2 together..such is his ability to stare straight into their faces with lies that seem so convincing…..
Also some people don’t want to confront the truth. They may be deciding to live in denial rather than take the tough steps to save their souls. There’s some saying about ‘knowing the devil you have’ versus venturing into the unknown. And then there’s ‘out of the fire and into the frying pan’. I think those fears cause a lot of people involved in bad things to stay even though they know full well they should get out.
This photo is so strange for so many reasons. A man in a gas mask with a long trunk who looks like he just stepped out of U731 has a woman chained by the neck, yet at least she has her glasses.
THANK GOD SHE HAS HER GLASSES.
That’s a great observation, Bibi. I was thinking it seemed odd. Maybe they are in the back storage room at the library? There’s often a pungent musky smell in there.
But I wonder if she didn’t need to slap on the glasses BEFORE he donned the mask… which could be making up for a shortcoming…?
(But to be fair, who could compete with that trunk?)
I’m almost as entertained by these images as I am HG’s work. This site offers the best going in the visual aids department. Oh, the mind that thinks of these!
Just like empaths to interpret it as sexual or romantic when clearly she is just a gasbag.
Ha ha.. I hope my post is not taken seriously. About it being a dream scenario. Nothing sexy about that picture. I was just joking.
That was clever.
But she’s pretty tiny. I hope she can hold all of that hot air!
You made me laugh out loud, Narc Angel.
And you’re right; I’m a hopeless romantic.
However, my mind has been in places I’d rather not reveal. Some days, the romantic qualities leave and I’ll feel more like a fifteen year-old boy.
I’m trying to further heal before I allow myself to move on to another. So let’s just say that my heart-healing-process has taken longer than my body expected. Trying to go ‘no contact’ has left me feeling like the low hanging fruit, ripe for the picking. Yet being burnt my a narcissist has left me pretty picky. So please excuse my phallic reference. I’ll do my best to simmer down my resemblance to Mrs. Roper… but I can’t make any long-term promises. 😄 (Especially with images that bring out my inner teenage boy. So, it’s HG’s fault.)
Ha ha.. At least she doesn’t seem that unhappy with the distant alien in a gas mask who has her bound. It might be the fact that she’s crawling on some sort of table in a very short dress wearing what looks like precariously high heels that does the trick for her and makes her feel on top of things, but I’d also put my bet on those glasses seductively placed on her nose. Who wouldn’t feel like the sexiest thing on earth in that kind of dream scenario?
“The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.”
Agree.
To be honest, I’m still struggling to purge him completely but I’ve made progress. I could never re-engage in any way because that is like telling him that I condone the abusive treatment, which I will not.
Thankfully, I feel that the worst is over in that now I know exactly who he is and how to deal with him (no contact). Thankfully, I now have no hope that things will ever be any different with him and that death of hope is a big step forward, I think.
Now it is up to me to focus on me and move on.
Mara,
You can never purge completely, you do not become immune, you increase your resistance and that is the important element to focus on.
Thank you, HG <3