Little Acons – No. 22
67 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 22”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
(sings) What Kind Of Fuel Am I…………..
This cold makes me feel sillier than usual!!
Hopefully I would Give No Fuc..Is that the correct term?
While we are waiting for the EmpathsOnly dating site, we could get one of these trained to spot red flags for us….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGwI6gpipbM
just a little sillier than usual.
The only time that I recall having something nice that I would like for my birthday, was when my N was trying to get me to return…it was supposed to be “no strings attached”, just because I deserved something nice.
Nobody else was invited along, and he was posting it all on facebook, unbeknownst to me at the time, just showing what a nice guy he was to the possibly soon to be ex wife to some, and as public post to others to show the facade intact with a romantic getaway.
In reality, once we arrived, he was tired and not up to doing much, so I should, hike, bike or whatever I liked while he would just enjoy the view. He was surreptitiously taking photos and posting to look like he was participating, and gathering fuel from the posts.
You’re Quality Fuel, Perse…. I’m guessing Premium High Octane.
That video got me to thinking that I might just have to visit Planet of the Apes to ease back into dating. Heck, I might just let Ceasar choose my mate. He seems to have a pretty good head on those hairy shoulders.
Actually, that video reminds me of my father. When I was dating the man to whom I later married (now divorced, but non-narcissist, so we enjoy a good relationship) Dad was sitting close to the foyer, cleaning a gun as my date came to pick me up. I really just think that the guns were dirty as I’ve seen my father clean them a thousand times, but to this day, my ex thinks that Dad was intentionally sending him a message.
So I found your video especially amusing, Perse.
And regarding your narc…. what a poser! But, aren’t they all. 😄
Very good, Persephone In Sunlight
NoFuC. This stands for No Fuel Carrier.
Thank you K,
between cold and medication, I just couldn’t remember exactly what that was supposed to help me remember. But No Fuel Carrier is exactly what I want to be!
Persephone In Sunlight
That is exactly what I am aiming for, too. No Fuel Carrier.
“He also threw in a “darling” during their chat.”
Oh vomit. Mine used the term “my darling girl” all the time. At first I did not mind but hearing it now just makes me roll my eyes. He oozed with the polite pleasantries.
And I also love your idea too.
Thank you, Challenge Fuel… I really do think I’d be better off if I let somebody else pick my next fellow. I never could relate to the cultures where the parents chose their daughter’s husbands… but I get it now. (Might as well get a good milk cow out of the deal. Right?)
I did feel a bit guilty about judging that stranger from the store. But my narcissist went out of his way to be “friendly” to others, especially those who HG refers to as minions. So it was a trigger, I assume. Add that the attractive clerk looked to be half of the stranger’s age… and I simply had one of those bitter moments. Then I started to become ashamed of myself. For all I know… the young thing is member of his Sunday school class.
And I do know of many who use terms of endearment freely… and innocently.
Actually, I find “my darling girl” to be a sweet term, especially when used by a man with whom we are intimate. Mine liked to say “baby.” It was sweet the way he used it… until I realized that he used it on plenty more than me!
That’s what we have to keep reminding ourselves, CF. If we want the complete package, we have to wait for the man who will give us the real deal without expecting us to share. I don’t want to be demanding and selfish, but I do think that’s one area were it’s okay to want it all to ourselves.
And I meant to say daughters’ husbands… Didn’t want that little apostrophe to imply I support polygamy… just arranged marriages!
(But if I were a supporter of polyamorous relationships, I’d be a feminist about it and say that women should be able to have multiple partners, especially if HE can!)
Just kidding…. and I’m not necessarily against polygamy as I have seen Sister Wives. (Should I be embarassed to admit to that?) But it was educational and did make me appreciate their view. It’s just not for me!!!
Hell, I couldn’t handle the women he tried to keep hidden from me. I know I’d go berserk if some other bitch was sharing the bed. (I did learn from reality television that they actually have separate homes.) Still, it amazes me how those women can put their insecurities aside? But it is their belief system to do so; therefore, I respect their right to live as they choose.
But that’s gotta be a tough position to tackle on a daily basis!? (Not sure how I got off on all that, but thanks for responding Challenge Fuel.
May you keep up the challenge!
It is okay. I knew what you meant by your commentary.
When you say this:
“But my narcissist went out of his way to be “friendly” to others, especially those who HG refers to as minions. So it was a trigger, I assume.”
Yes. It did. But that is okay, I do not mind sharing. My MRN went out of his way to be friendly to others too. Not just minions but random people he passed on the street. Like one instance we were in the parking lot walking to go inside for dinner and he was “oooh I do not like the way that guy is looking at me from across the lot. I hope he does not start trouble with me”. I was just like “Umm where?” LOL. Then we passed by the guy as we walked to the entrance and he says “Good evening sir how are you tonight?” to a total stranger mind you!!!! Now I live North and where I am from people are not THAT friendly. I dismissed it at the time (not knowing what he was at the time) thinking “oh typical Southern charm”. Hahaha yeah right!
While we sat down to dinner he pretty much got the waitresses entire life story and kept going on and on and on talking to her. Again, I attributed it to his friendliness. The service was slow and terrible (but that was because it was busy and they were short staffed). His chatting with her was making it even worse as she could not get to her other tables, yet she was pulled into his charm. When we ordered dessert he asked her what her favorite item on the menu was and he ordered it!
While most people would have been irritated at the service being slow he didn’t seem to care. He even said to me “I think the waitress was worried I was going to give her a difficult time. Did you see the surprise on her face when I was pleasant to her?”
I do not mind the “trigger”….if anything I need reminders of what a complete fucking loon he is! I think he spent more time talking to the waitress than he did talking to me.
Oh my Goodness, G. Bean… It never ceases to amaze me how similar they all are!
Mine is the same… “How are you, sir? Have a wonderful day, ma’am. Thank you so much for bagging that item for me.” He was always letting me know how hard the cashiers and waitresses work as if I didn’t have a clue.
My first “real” job as a teen was in the fast food industry. But that boy liked to inform me of how difficult the job is as if I were the inconsiderate one. Like yours, he really knew how to lay it on thick. Heck, I was voted “Friendliest” by my high school senior class, yet that man could make me look standoffish… when he wanted to.
And that was the key. He certainly wasn’t always consistent in his friendliness.
It sounds as if your southern charmer might have been a bit indimidated by that fellow and was trying to engage in a pleasantry to take control… which IS what some experts tell us to do… to not look down – stand tall and look ahead, letting them know that you know they are there. 😨
But, he also could have just been trying to be a bit of a bad ass in showing you that he can handle himself 💪… OR, he could have actually known the guy because he recently porked his wife and was justifiaby afraid that trouble might arise. (I’m only teasing G. Bean. I hope!!!)
Truly, mine was a manwhore. He tried to act as if he was incredibly selective… and he did have a lot of evidence to support his stance of being choosy… but I started to wonder if every female in a 50 mile radius wasn’t considered fuckable in his eyes?
I remember how his eyes would drop to check out the rump of a passing female. It was as if it were instinct. But after studying the works of HG Tudor, I wonder if he wasn’t trying to wound me. He rathered enjoyed letting me know that other women wanted him.
Yuck! Now I feel so stupid for staying with someone who would glance out of the corner of his shifty eye to see if I noticed him having a casual conversation with a random female while we were out. He complained (bragged) that people just start talking to him and he can’t seem to get away. Poor thing… having animal magnetism must be such a burden.
I’m still working on what’s going on in my head to make me want to chase after him. And I’m afraid I’m gonna be workin’ a while. He pursued me hot and heavily, but once he pulled back, I was the one reaching out for him. I know that’s the oldest truck in the psychology book, but what made me want to chase to win once I realized first place was actually the booby prize?
BurntKrispyKeen,
OMG yes with the “sir” and “ma’am”….. It really is so silly how I made excuses for everything. Oh it’s the Southern charm, oh he’s just good mannered….yeah uh huh. Whaaaaatever. Even our one mutual friend (which was how we got to know one another) even said to me… “Oh him? Psshhhtt he’s a flirt. He is like that with everyone. He is harmless!” So I applied that same excuse when the “love bombing” came out of nowhere after about 8 months of casual friendship. And then came my turn on his merry go round.
I have yet to even bother sharing with her all I have learned here because I doubt she will see it the same way.
Yours was a man-whore too? Good grief, so was mine. How many women do you think he had? I never got a straight answer when I asked him. 30? 40? then “I lost count”. Yeah anything is fuckable to them. He told me once “that is how I express my affection”. And he said he had an affliction of being a “sex addict” BUT he was always “trying to do the right thing”. Eye roll.
The guy in the parking lot did acknowledge his passerby greeting by responding with “fine thank you” and kept on walking. Oh and he did NOT know the guy. We were a hour away from the town he lived. He would NEVER take me to dinner in his town because he was always paranoid of running into someone he knew (he plays piano for the church and is well known in town)….oh no….we always had dinner further away because he was quite adamant that he not take a higher risk of being seen in public with me.
His reason for that was the girl before me. He was about and about in town canoodling with her and someone took pics and video and sent it to his wife’s mother. It ended up causing the eventual exposure of his prior affair. So this was for MY benefit and I should “not take it personally” because if someone saw him with me and reported it back to his family he would “never be able to see me again”.
And yes we did (and still do) have an intermittent intimate relationship he was always “that is done and we are just friends”.
I told him “you are not allowed to have dinner with a friend?” and he said, “well if my prior infidelity was not exposed it would not be an issue. If my wife knew you it would not be an issue”.
Me: (challenging him): “Maybe you should introduce me sometime!”
Him: “No way. I am not ready for that. We are more than friends so I can’t do that”
Yet he always says it is not more than that. He is a never ending contradiction factory!
Wow “Miss G. Bean Flowing with Challenge Fuel!” Your interactions with him are fascinating to me. The similarities to how they conduct themselves help me to confirm exactly what I’ve been dealing with. I seem to find any sort of confirmation helpful, so thank you for sharing.
Piano Boy’s admission of perhaps being a sex addict… that’s interesting! I’m gonna think on that one a bit.
It seems so different now, doesn’t it… to reflect on their words? When we were captivated by their charisma, those little phrases sounded a bit different than they do now.
Again, thank you for sharing so much of your story. In some strange way, it gives me comfort… it reminds me that I’m not alone.
Best wishes to you, G. Bean. May you continue to distance yourself from Mr. Southern Discomfort. 🍻 😃
BKK,
A few people here have told me that they think he heard someone give him the affliction of “sex addict” and he just went with it so he can have an excuse for his behavior. Before I came here and read about narcissism I thought a narc was someone who thought highly of themselves. He is very self deprecating and thinks the opposite (which I am also told is done for pity seeking and for attention).
Anyway, he knows he has an issue with his sexuality “vice” as he calls it, but he continually finds ways to explain it like it is not a thing. “I am trying to do the right thing”, “My morality is trying to prevail over my biology”, “I will indulge sexually with you BUT it is wrong of me” and so on. Oh and my new favorite from an email he sent me last week which was (and I paraphrase) “The desire to pursue what is right is more important than attaining what is right”. Oh how about that! A free pass to continue doing as you please! (eye roll)
When I point his contradictions out to him I hear things like:
“Well surely you must know something is not right but you want it anyway. You know for example, like heroin?”
“Well what do you want me to say? That is just how it is okay? What can I say that has not already been said? Nothing that’s what! Now if you will calm down I will call you later”
Blah blah blah.
Southern DIScomfort?! LOL that made me laugh. Thank you for that.
Well, I do like my bourbon. (Occasionally, that is 😆) But just like with men… the better stuff doesn’t burn as bad.
And trust me, there’s better.
Thank you for sharing all of that G.Bean Challenger. I enjoy reading the way he skirts around the issues. But what can I say? I’ve been known to dodge a few myself.
I guess in some ways, we all justify our sins. 😇
(But Mr. Southern Discomfort certainly knows how to perform with more than just his piano!)
HG, further to my comment at 14.48pm, I wanted to add that I did respond. But I think you knew that already.
He admitted to some things and said he is seeking professional help. He didn’t admit to other things, but he doesn’t need to. I know.
As much as I want to believe he is seeking help, and as much I want to keep communication open, I cannot. I told him so. And I have blocked him on all the apps. And on the number he used today to contact me.
If he is seeking help, I truly wish him well. From the bottom of my heart. I want nothing more than for him to get better.
But I must continue with No Contact. I can’t change my number, so there’s always a chance he will reach out in the future. But that’s a risk I’m willing to accept. I also accept the fact that I pose a risk to myself too. That one day I might reach out to him.
I feel so many emotions at the moment. I feel guilty that I cannot support him. I feel like I am ignoring the wounded puppy.
I also know that I am doing the right thing for myself, at this moment in time. I am not strong enough to remain objective and neutral when it comes to him.
The debate goes on about whether or not they will hoover/make contact. HG is so right on this, there is ALWAYS a risk. It doesn’t matter if they are with someone else, or if they told you to fuck off, or if they left you without a word. Or if they told you that they can never speak to you ever again. If they called you crazy…..Insert any scenario here. There is always a risk.
And by accepting that is the case, you are arming yourself all the more.
CarolM, I do not see a way to respond directly under your comment. Thank you for your response. I was not an ex as I was never the IPPS. Do you see why I am saying he will not hoover?
No, because you cannot say he will never hoover you, unless he is dead.
HG, it’s just since he got the new IPPS and now the new baby he had always wanted, he has distanced himself and the communication just fizzled out. He always responded positively to my contact but would not reach out. Now I cannot contact him because he asked for space and promised to reach out. However, because he did not reach out in the past, there is no reason for me to think he will. Do you see where I am coming from?
HD
I forgot to mention even during the golden period she was awkward not really knowing how to act good only text bombarding she done well where in reality wouldn’t hold your hand when went shopping together always run in front of me leaving me behind it was embarrassing ! Once during our relationship I managed to take her out as she always said she hates going out ,after we finished eating she got up and left me by the table waiting for waiter to pay for dinner ,when I left the restaurant I saw her standing by the car waiting for me to open passenger door as I had keys with me .after we got inside the car I asked what the hell was all this she went ” I told you I don’t like restaurants we finished eating what else was there to do “
Hi HD
Hi,my sons mother might be lesser or mid ranger anyway she started asking for baby 3 weeks after we met 9 months after ( during devaluation ) she fell pregnant and discarded me my son was born and nastiness never stopped I’m seeing my son 5 times a week I’m surprised she was always happy for me to take him this much even though I’m being treated like someone she doesn’t know she never discuss anything in regards to our son never ask me anything even when moved homes didn’t tell me the address only name of the road where to pick and drop him off ( her estate)once I exposed her to her friend as she called her girlfriend to yell at me over the phone when I was visiting my son ( 18 months ago ) since then never let me back into the house blaming me I’m toxic, I never saw new primary source my son is 3yo ,she was always awkward during our relationship no kisses no intimacy pure robot / manekin ,never wanted to go out just asking about that baby she was like narcississt -schizoid ,siting home wouldn’t say a word to me for hours after I dropped her back home then she would start to bombard love messages I didn’t know then wtf! Anyway since she never cares what I think or about cooparenting at all last Saturday night of the blue text” are you going to cause problems if I started dating because u was the last person I dated ” I was shocked since when she is interested in what I think or would do, getting any reply from her about my son is difficult and now s texts this when noone interfere in her life. HD what she is trying to tell me ,she is living with someone or she just wants my reaction? Thanks
Dear HG,
Thank you so much. You did convince me to stay out of contact.
I don’t feel like I want to contact him (on the contrary), I am pretty sure I will resist a hoover – but what you say makes sense: he once was the source of infection – so why would I want to find out and take the risk of a new inflammation?
Thanks for your concern, I do appreciate it a lot. After an extensive response like this – where you make every effort to explain things and help us/me to ‘stay on the right path’ – I can hardly believe you are a hardcore narcissist. My ex-narc would say: ‘I know, I am smashing’. What would you say?
Dear HG, how can you be so sure that even your students – privileged and weaponized with knowledge from the best source possible – are not capable of resisting hoovers?
Based on evidence?
You have the capacity to resist hoovers however, the extent of your resistance may be low or it may be high but you do not know exactly where that resistance lies. If you think that you are highly resistant and therefore you will look to cause a hoover for the purposes of then resisting it, that is your emotional thinking trying to make you engage with the narcissist. You do not need to do anything to test that resistance, it is far more effective to operate in a way whereby you avoid doing so. By operating in that way you starve the emotional infection of the addictive influence of the narcissist, which means you get your emotional thinking under control, which means you are more likely to apply logic and in turn stay no contact which means you starve the emotional infection and so it goes, you thus build your resistance.
As a consequence of the victims in my personal life, other victims I know of who are not mine but I have observed in my private life and of course the many interactions here on the blog and through consultation, I see repeated evidence of varied resistance to hoovers. Some people may be able to resist fifty, some only one because it depends on that individual, the nature of the hoover and the extent of their levels of emotional thinking. Every time you engage with a narcissist you are building emotional thinking, you will reach a tipping point and you will be ensnared eventually. Therefore, why risk that? Save your resistance for those moments where the narcissist appears somewhere unexpected (as opposed to failing to block the narcissist on your phone). If the narcissist takes you by surprise by turning up at an event you did not think he would ever go to, then you ensure you evade him. Best practice would be to leave the event, however you may not want to miss it which is fair enough. Therefore, you do not look over at the narcissist, you move away if he comes near and you evade his hoover attempts. If he speaks to you, you keep the fuel as low as possible, you keep the interaction short, talk about something other than the narcissist, engage other people and move away at the earliest opportunity. Your emotional thinking will be surging trying to get you to talk to him, to stay talking with him etc. There is no need. Execute those steps and once escaped you can pat yourself on the back at your resistance. That resistance arose because of gaining understanding through my work, applying that understanding, building Logic Defences and recognising emotional thinking and rejecting it. If you had been texting back and forth all week, prior to this meeting, your resistance is eroding and then when you see the narcissist in the flesh your emotional thinking will overspill, your resistance is gone (because you have been eroding it necessarily) and you end up ensnared again. Save testing your resistance for “ambush” moments. Do not think “I am going to contact the narcissist to see how well I can resist him.” Yes, you may very well resist him as he hoovers you, but you may not. Even if you do resist, you will have encouraged the narcissist to hoover you more (subject to the usual matters of HT and HEC) and you have begun to increase your emotional thinking all of the sake of a test – it is not worth doing so.
Some people are poor at resisting the hoovers which get through no contact, some people are very good at doing so, but by making your no contact regime as solid as possible, fewer hoovers will get through which then maximises your chance of resisting them. You do not need to test your resistance unnecessarily for many reasons, some of which I have explained above.
You are not immune. You have resistance, but that will eventually be overcome IF you keep engaging with the source of the infection – so do not do it.
Sometimes the lesson is hard to accept, but I can’t deny when I read wise words from a wise man.
Wow, may I say … that was brilliant, absolutely brilliant!
Thankyou
You may and thank you.
Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.
HG, I just received a message from him.
“how are you? Do you feel better now? Hope you have forgiven me”
I am still shocked that he made contact, even though I knew this was a possibility. I haven’t opened the message. It’s just in my notifications.
HG
Re: resisting hoovers
Standing O.
Much obliged NA. When Zero Impact is released, it will be a game changer.
HG
I look forward to the release of Zero Impact as I’m sure do we all. You indicated previously there would be a new release roughly Spring. Is it Zero Impact or another?
You shall have to wait and see.
HG is such a tease, NarcAngel.
i work with the lesser narc in my life. in fact, i am his superior (though no one is truly his superior of course) i am in a very tenuous state of no contact with him, the most serious effort i have ever made. during this time, is ANY drop of fuel basically the same to him as me showing up on his doorstep asking him to come spend the night with me? i made the tiniest slip yesterday and am curious as to whether i have to start all over again, to establish that i am the one finished with him. his behavior right now is his standard discard behavior. he’s punishing me for ignoring his txts over the wknd. its hard to maintain the mindset. i’m just learning, in the past several months, what i’m dealing with. your insight – from each of you – is so helpful and needed for me right now.
nan
Just reestablish your no/low (if you work w/him) contact regime. Proximity of supply and method of delivery is the best indicator of how good the fuel is. If you ignore him, and this includes your body language-no eye rolling) then the fuel is very low/non-existent, however, if you react emotionally, including door slamming, the fuel is more potent.
Showing up at his door to sleep with him would, most likely, be more potent than an eye roll.
K
Your last line made me howl.
Youre too nice.
Fuck him-If Im his boss he’s now unemployed lol.
LMAO!!! That last line IS really funny when you think about it! I wasn’t sure if he was a somatic or cerebral. Some of those cerebrals may prefer the eye roll over the surprise sex.
You are right, fuck him! Fire his dumb ass! Ha ha ha…
My hubby left the family home the day b4 my birthday…. thought id have shit time mopping about…. 4 kids and no baby sitter. He thought wrong…. good friends to the rescue and party time came to me…. he did get me card tho saying to my beautiful wife…tho didnt write in it!! That was 5 days ago…. in that time hes cancelled lease on family home and given me 3mths to get out……. wtf
Kel,
What a horrible thing to do. I hope you and your children will be ok. I also hope you will exercise all your rights under the marriage laws of your country of residence.
Hello Kel,
That’s awful! His timing was very malicious. I hope you can find an attorney to help you deal with him and get all your sposal rights and child support!
That’s a fine how-do-you-do, Kel, and to do it around your birthday, too. He reminds me of my ULN and you have 4 children. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all that. He is heartless.
Please, pals, listen to Mr Tudor and go Fully Right No Contact – as long as narcs know we are vulnerable they will keep hunting us as prey.
I am not blocking his number or changing mine not because I am leaving this channel of communication open but because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt he will never hoover me. He is too preoccupied with his IPPS and the new baby he has always wanted. He couldn’t care less if I exist. There is just no possibility of a Hoover and I am just acknowledging that by not blocking him. There is no point.
That is emotional thinking and you are actually leaving it open in the hope that he will hoover you.
There is always a risk of a hoover and you are inviting that risk.
HG, with all due respect, whether I hope he will hoover is irrelevant. What is relevant is I know he will not. I may hope to win a million dollars but I know I won’t.
You do not know he will not. Unless you know he is dead.
Well, I don’t have any reason to think he is dead. HG, when you talk about a narc putting IPSS/ DLS on the shelf because he is focused elsewhere, could the new baby he has always wanted and very happy about be this kind of a focus?
Insatiable Learner, if he is a narc he will hoover you at some point, be it in 10 days or 10 years. Mostly, it is very likely to happen when the devaluation of the new IPPS starts. As Mr Tudor once stated “Once your devaluation begins, it is always the case suddenly we remember how much we loved our ex”. I wasn’t convinced my ex was a narc until the day he hoovered me and even stalked my friends.
“We anticipate that you are likely to leave conduits open.”
I think this is very true. I blocked him on the main apps we used but he did not block me in return (he only removed me from his contacts on one app, and left me unblocked on the other one).
However, I left one avenue open on another app , an app he stopped using a while back and hadn’t logged onto for over 5 months. I didn’t think he was using the account anymore, at least not with that number, and I wanted to see if he would log in to check if I had blocked him there too. Call it a little test. He logged back in one week after I said goodbye and instigated no contact. He was checking to see if that avenue was still open. He probably anticipated it would be. He has not attempted to contact me though.
I know I should block him on there as well….HG is right, we are leaving the gun on the table, fully loaded and within easy reach.
I keep telling myself that our last exchange was so ugly and unpleasant, that he would have no interest in hoovering me. I unmasked him. I exposed and wounded him. But as HG has pointed out, that’s irrelevant from their perspective. There is always a risk and it’s up to us to mitigate it. I am still working on getting my emotional thinking under control.
You are learning.
Trying to…progress seems to be non-linear.
But i will admit that i am now ‘enjoying the silence’ of no contact. Unlike the unpleasant silence of the Silent treatment. This feels different.
“words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm”
I know this is “Little Acons” but this post just reminded me that my narc ignored me for my birthday last week. Year 1 was golden period. Year 2 (last year) I was on the shelf and had a text hoover wishing me a happy birthday. This year I got a text on my actual birthday but it said “sorry I could not call you today, my daughter has the flu”… no “happy birthday” or anything like that. And then silence ever since.
Fuck his shelf. Fuck it. Fucking piano turd.
2 weeks ago he called me and invited me to his show in a few months. This was after he told me he did not want to see me for my birthday or ever again for a “long time”.
Fuck his contradictions.
He only invited me for some FUEL right? Fuel. He wants me in the audience along with the rest of his admirers. He probably wants me to bump into his wife or even better that coworker who said I was way too obsessed with and attached to him.
Fuck his triangulations, his contradictions and his shelf. And his piano too.
Okay that went off on a tangent. My bad. I am livid but I feel slightly better. Thanks for allowing me to post my vent.
So you expected him to wish you happy birthday and ensured the electronic conduit of the text message remained open for him to do so.
“Fuck his triangulations, his contradictions and his shelf. And his piano too.” – but you do not. You are allowing them to continue.
HG do they know we still leave avenues open for “expectation” calls or texts. Is it better to block or can we leave it unblocked and just ignore the call or text
We anticipate that you are likely to leave conduits open. The most obvious one (and the one which causes No Contact Suicide the most often) is allowing an electronic conduit to remain open.
High risk – not blocking, not changing your number, allowing the call/message/e-mail or text to come through. You may ignore it the first time, the second time and maybe the third time. Each time those messages arrive, they feed the emotional infection. Your emotional thinking starts to rise and at some point you will hit the tipping point and become ensnared. You may feel robust and in control but if you keep allowing the ET to increase then you will be ensnared again. It may just take two messages or it may take a hundred, but it will happen. You do not become immune. You are only resistant. Increase your resistance and do not engage in any interaction with the narcissist. Each time you do so, you are picking up that loaded revolver….
Moderate risk – blocking the number but not changing yours, blocking on social media but not coming off social media, not changing e-mail address
Lower risk – blocking the number and then changing your numbers, coming off social media, changing e-mail address
Even lower risk – blocking the number, changing your numbers and then being wary about who receives that new number so it is less likely to find its way to the narcissist, coming off social media, changing e-mail address and again being wary about who knows it, putting in place gatekeeper methods for calls and e-mails.
If you keep open electronic conduits (telephone, e-mail, social media, messaging applications) we will use them and it is highly likely you will be hoovered (subject as always to the Hoover Trigger occurring and the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached – open electronic conduits bring the Hoover Bar down considerably)
Block him an go take Piano lessons..
Yes, I allowed it. Part of me was testing him because I wanted to see if I’d get a Birthday hoover. And I sort of did but wasn’t wished a happy birthday. I’m assuming this was all done intentionally, like the hoover on his wedding anniversary but whatever. I’m more surprised at the “never gonna see you again” and then getting invited to his show. I didn’t tell him yes or no. If I tell him I am not going (or say I will but not show up) I’m assuming it will wound him?
It will wound him, but wounding him is not your priority. You thinking about doing/not doing things to wound him is you continuing to engage with him (by thinking about him, by considering the impact on him, by opening up a channel in anticipation of a hoover) and all this is doing is feeding your addiction and demonstrating that you remain firmly in the grip of your emotional thinking.
Get out. Stay out. There are no excuses.
Dear gabbbanzobean,
I much prefer an open vent to a closed vent any day ! 😂
I’m sorry to hear of your frustration sweetpea, but it’s what these critters do to us! Mess with our heads.
Mr Tudors photos certainly do stir our emotions, however, it’s good to let it all out!
My weasel friend said he hated birthdays, but certainly lapped up the attention on his.
This “little acon” pic reminds me of the big acon, never growing up … forever a 5 year old …. perhaps I should send him an anonymous “chocolate laxette cake” for his birthday with “nobody loves you” written on it 🍫 🎂😂
What say you Mr Tudor, great idea, hope you don’t have a copywrite on that ?
You could do that but only do so after a solid period of no contact and with your emotional thinking under control.
“Mr Tudors photos certainly do stir our emotions, however, it’s good to let it all out!”
Yes they do! I saw the birthday cake and it said “nobody loves you” and it tripped me back to my childhood with my mentally ill mother (who has some slight narc traits but is more so mentally ill than narc) but it also reminded me of Mr. Piano Recital ignoring me. Ironically I said to myself over and over “it’s just a birthday who cares”. Yet here I sit seeking validation from him and it just sucks.
A few weeks ago I had a dream about my narc and in the dream he told me “Your mother should have put you in a cage when you were a child”. Now granted I have no memory of being put in a cage (not that I can recall anyway)….I hate that I shared my childhood tribulations with him and even worse that his “taunting” of such spilled over into my dreams!
Yeah I am a mess. And there goes another tangent. Mehhhh. Thanks for listening though.
Dear gazzanzobean,
So sorry to hear about your mum. Your birthday so does matter. You are unique, you’re special, and ivory head doesn’t deserve you. It sounds you are still emotionally invested and he just wanted bums on seats. . My weasel “taunted” me and was full of contradictions. I ended it….. best decision ever!
Stepping outside the box and looking in, brings about a new perspective
Positive affirmations for oneself is great for self healing.
Your own validation is the only one that matters precious. We need to play our own tune and not have someone play it for us.
You are very much loved here “cup cake” and we care 💜
Best wishes 🎂🎈💝🍾
Dearest G.Bean who is All Out of Fuel… I can’t help but feel your pain. It is so raw that it leaps off of the pages and pulls me right towards you. So please don’t feel as if I’m butting into your dilemma with any other intention than to hope that your pain will ease.
I haven’t been here long enough to know your story. But I know that Mr. Piano Recital Man does not validate you. He simply does not hold that power. And I’m aware that you already know everything I wish to share with you. But I also know that sometimes, we simply need to hear it once more, even as it angers us to acknowledge the pain or as it annoys us to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
When we are in love, we want the approval of our loved-one. It means something to us because in a healthy relationship, that recognition gives us a sense of comfort. But that’s in a healthy relationship.
In an unhealthy relationship, it becomes more about control and power. He holds this power over you because you have given it to him to do as he pleases. Please know that I am not looking at you in any other way but to say that I see myself in those big round eyes of yours. I too have given a man too much power. But I know that when you start to take some of your power back, you will start to feel the heavy weight of your heart lighten.
I understand how a part of you can’t seem to stop loving Mr. Piano Man… but do you ever feel as if you have invested much more into him than you’ll ever receive in return? Does he treat you in a way deserving of your commitment, attention and concern?
Your birthday… the day your mother worked so hard to bring you into this world… the day you were blessed by God… please don’t allow the commemoration of your special day to be based upon whether or not a narcissist acknowledges you. A birthday wish from him might give you a spark, but what does it really validate? As a man who has treated you in a manner that’s left you in this much despair… can you truly say that a “hey there, happy birthday” from him defines who you are as a woman?
Piano Boy certainly doesn’t seem that powerful to me. He only holds the power which you give him. Nothing more. His opinion is not the final say. His choices do not sustain you. Please tell me you know this G. Bean? Whether he chooses you or not, his decision can’t change you…. you, Bean, a human being worthy of genuine love.
You are aware that his decision to return to you wouldn’t change your soul. Therefore, his decision to stay away doesn’t make you one ounce less of a woman. He is a simple human with no more power than the guy you see at the gas station or the one who picks up your trash or the one who loaned you money to buy your home and car or the man who performs your yearly physical. You likely wouldn’t let these men upset you if they didn’t wish you a proper birthday. Yet we often associate this desire with our narcissist because we crave THEIR validation.
We crave it because they once gave it to us, this feeling of being special. Then they abruptly took it away. They are either consciously aware of this manipulation or they operate on instinct, but they know what works. They know how to condition us. So like Skinner’s rat, we want the pellet; we want the feelgood, so we keep going back for more. Like Pavlov’s dog, we start to salivate just at the thought that contact with them will bring us more of that sweet sensation they once gave us so freely. We are conditioned to want our treat… their acknowledgement of us.
But we are not rats in a maze. We are not helpless canines, chained to whatever morsels these narcissists throw our way. You are separate from him whether he is by your side or a thousand miles away. Certainly, the right man can compliment your existence, but he sure as hell can’t hold the power to change your intended purpose in life. So please don’t give this keyboardist that power… as if his acknowledgement of you somehow makes you worthy.
It’s easy to get caught up into thinking their opinion of us validates our existence, but it does not.
Sure. It’s hard. I still want back that feeling of being special, placed on a pedestal while being told I’m the best out there. It felt fantastic, right? So, I miss certain sweet moments very much. But as much as he doted over me, he’d ignore me in a flash if he chose to do so. That gave him a tremendous amount of power… or so he thought.
You see G. Bean, I wasn’t created for him to deceive me, toy with my heart and then break it as if it were a cheap plastic trinket. I have a greater purpose in this world… and so do you.
I can’t make you many promises, but I can guarantee that neither you nor I were born into this world for the sole purpose to be abused by a narcissist. You know that you deserve to be loved in the way a man is supposed to love a woman… please say you do?
You are a woman, like the rest of us, who carries wounds from long ago injuries. This trauma caused us to not feel good enough. So when a man comes into our lives and makes us feel as if we are the most special woman he’s ever met, we drink it up with such thirst because those words ease our pain. That little voice inside our heads that tells us we are not good enough, starts to whisper. Then it dissapears. They help us to not hear that inner voice of doubt. But when they abruptly withdraw, that voice screens back at us that we are no longer good enough. We end up believing that his withdrawal away from us proves it. We aren’t good enough because he left our side.
But we are, G. Bean… WE. ARE. GOOD. ENOUGH. with all our flaws and all our shortcomings… no matter who has told us differently or how many times another has made us feel less than, we are still good enough.
You are attached to this man because you want back those sweet words, that feeling of when he made you believe that you were special. You (just as I) need that because it helped to ease your pain. But do they really ease our pain? How can something that brings us more pain be reasonably sought after as a means to lessen our daily discomfort, when the overall results always end up being more pain?
What I’m trying to say… we have to heal our own wounds… begin to believe we are enough without them. Then. their sweet words, half-baked or not, won’t make or break our day.
When my non-narcissist husband cheated on me, I felt worthless. I could not imagine that the sweet marriage I had, one where we were a team, working hard, together each day, side-by-side… a marriage where I was willing each time… no headache excuses here… I could not understood how he could leave my side to be with another? But he did. And this is one of the reasons why I was so enthralled with the feelings of love that my narcissist later gave me. My unhealed wounds allowed me to believe I needed validation from a man. I allowed my narcissist to make me feel worthy as if I had little worth until I met him.
G. Bean, I think your childhood wounds have you thinking you need his love in the same way I was comforted by the attention it received. And as much as I believe that all humans are equipped with love, or at least a varied version of it… Mr. Piano Man is not offering you a healthy love. If he were, he wouldn’t treat you this way. If he were capable and caring, he would treat you with the respect you deserve. So why hold onto a morsel of a shitty birthday wish as if that somehow validates the special traits you bring into this world?
You know you deserve more. You have to believe this because it’s true, sweetie. YOU DESERVE MORE! I can tell that just from reading your posts. You are a vibrant, smart, funny, loving woman. I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I’d want more for her than this. And I bet you’d want more for your own daughter too. Mr. Piano Man would not be good enough for your daughter. And he’s not good enough for you.
Burnt Krispy Keen,
My apologies for the delay in responding to you. I was re-reading the Little Acons series and I just found this response to me. You are 100% right in every word you have typed. It is so damn difficult working through the addiction to this. I just wanted to thank you for writing that to me.
~Challenge Fuel (formerly G-Bean)
No apologies needed, Challenge Fuel. I have yet to request an email notice, so I’m the one who should apologize to anyone and everyone for any late (or absent) responses. I usually just stumble upon them as I did yours tonight.
It’s ironic, though. I started to think of you but had the damndest time trying to remember where to look to see if my comment had reached you. I smiled when I saw that you responded recently…. Made me wonder if I had you on my mind for a reason?
I certainly understand the addiction/obsession dilemma. I still struggle, even knowing that if I were to see my mine again, he would only bring me more harm. Yet, isn’t it amazing how much of a hold they have on us?
I’ve allowed that man to keep me from moving on… but I’m starting to think that a new adventure might be just what I need. You know what they say, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” 😊
But I’m still healing, so I realize that wouldn’t exactly be fair. As K was implying to me a bit back, it’s easy to see red flags with just about any man. And I did just that the other day when a nice looking middle-aged man was waiting behind me in the checkout line. We exchanged smiles, and I thought, “This one has potential.” I was still gathering my bags when he eagerly greeted the pretty young clerk by calling her sweetie. He was charming when asking about her day. He also threw in a “darling” during their chat. As I walked away, I muttered under my breath, “Fucking Pervert.”
Gosh… what if he was just a friendly fellow or knew her because she’s friends with his daughter? I don’t know???
I fear that my trust issues would send a good gent running. But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it! How about you, Challenge Fuel? If only we had a bit more guidance…
Wouldn’t it be nice if HG could continue as our gatekeeper?
Hold the phone – I think I just found HG’s next business adventure. He could become our father-figure-CEO, weeding out difficult applicants to a narc-free dating site… EmpathsOnly.com. (Surely we could borrow the FarmersOnly jingle? 🐴) HG could keep the heart logo, but we would utilize NarcAngel’s idea and reverse the word to say LIVE. And I think adding butterflies around the heart would be a nice touch. Caroline would think that’s cute. ❤
I like it! Whatta ya think CF?
For the record, you and I call dibs on the first two dates. As long as he has a good heart, among other organs… you won’t find me being concerned over the color of his hair.
😉
I already assist people when they commence dating again, through consultations, to weed out my kind. Although the creation of a narc-free dating site is an interesting idea.
I realize that I’m past due. I have been working through a few difficult changes regarding my situation and have actually had the intention to seek your advice.
But I don’t want to do it right now if you have a spring cold or anything. I need to hear your voice in its prime.
You know that I’m teasing… sorta.
(But seriously, is there harm in audio aesthetics being a fringe benefit to sound advice?)