I have a busy day today. Much to do and many people to do it to but when you have someone’s interests at heart, well, this is what you have to do isn’t it? I have the list of telephone numbers which I have noted down from your telephone when I gained access to it. It was not difficult to do so. Using my famous ability to move around without making much of a noise I stole up behind you and watched you enter the passcode for your phone and I stored that in my memory to enable me to use it when you were sleeping. Naturally I had a good look through all your messages, your diary and e-mails but that is for another discussion. I recognised the names of numerous people and made a note of their numbers inside my little book and then hid that in readiness for when I decided it was time I needed to use it. Now that time has come and it is incumbent on me to take this step.
The first number I enter into my phone is that of Sarah, a friend of yours. She answers after two rings. Like many people she is surgically attached to the ‘phone.
“Hello Sarah it is HG. Listen, I just wanted to let you know, since you are such a good friend of hers, that Gemma is, well I think the easiest way to describe it is that she is not well, not well at all. What do I mean? She has been acting rather strangely. The slightest thing seems to either have her shouting or crying. At first I wondered if it was just, you know, women’s things, but it has been going on for months now. You had no idea? No I know, I have not said anything before because well I was hoping I could help her deal with it but it is beyond even me. I am going to get her some help. I try and talk to her about it but she just clams up on me, gives me silence and then a little later accuses me of not caring. I don’t think she is sleeping properly either and it takes me an age to get her to eat. Should you come round? No, thank you, that is kind of you, but I don’t want her to do anything which might upset you. She is very erratic in her behaviour but it is something more than just mood swings. I am going to get her the proper help but I am just forewarning you that if she contacts you just be aware that she is not herself. She has been saying things about people, me included, which are not very nice and I don’t want this period of illness to affect her relationship with her friends, you know how some people can be overly sensitive to what someone says and they miss the point they are unwell. Yes, that’s right. Yes I think it would be a good idea if you just give her some space. Yes, absolutely. If she does contact me, let me know, you have my number on your ‘phone now. Yes I will pass on your kind words and thanks for your help Sarah, it is much appreciated at this difficult time.”
I end the call and place a tick next to Sarah’s name. She was most understanding and fully appreciate the need for space in order to allow you to get better. Now, who is next. Ah yes, another of your friends, Helen. I call Helen and explain the situation almost word-for-word as I did with Sarah. She asks more details about what is wrong and I reluctantly tell her about the violence and the lying. She is shocked I can tell and she spends some time searching for an amateur diagnosis as to what it might be. I listen as she drones on, checking my watch and noting I have other names to get through too. Eventually I am able to conclude the call and place another tick. I continue working my way through your list of friends, the ticks adding up. Next is John, your fitness instructor.
“Hello John, this is HG, Gemma’s partner. We haven’t met. Look John, difficult call to make but Gemma is unwell at present. It is pretty serious. Yes, thank you, it is a difficult time but I am doing the best I can to help her. It is unclear at present what it is, I am organising for a doctor to come and see her today but it is making her very difficult to be around. She may be suffering from some kind of breakdown brought on by exhaustion. Yes, it is a worry. I know you would not have thought it to look at her outside of our house but I think this has been brewing for some time, you know, she even started telling me that she was going to marry you. Yes I know that is ridiculous isn’t it? You are already married? I thought you were. Don’t worry, I know nothing is going on, I am sure you are far too professional for that kind of thing, but this is part of the problem, she keeps coming out with outlandish comments and I can handle it but I worry others might not so she won’t need your services until further notice. Payment? Well yes if she has an agreement with you then just continue to take her monthly payment after all this is not your fault is it? I will let you know when she is well again but just in case she tries to contact you I think it would be best if you don’t take her calls, I don’t want her causing you any trouble especially between you and your wife. Thank you John, your discretion is appreciated.”
Another tick and a similar call is made to your choral group and your book club. Next is your employer. I made you take today off under the pretence of you gaining a lie in and then us doing something together. We stayed up late last night so you are still fast asleep upstairs allowing me to make these important telephone calls. Your employer is understanding and I can confirm that arrangements will be made to provide the relevant doctor’s note because I explained this situation is likely to last a number of weeks. My preparation thus segues into arranging for the local doctor to make a house call after I explain to the receptionist, in worried tones, that having you leave the house in your current state might be a risk to both you and other people. She was most understanding and confirmed that a doctor would attend after surgery, around 5pm. Next on the list are your family members. I secured the advantage of persuading you to move with me away from them and they are now a flight away. The inconvenience of having to fly and the distance is something I play on as I call your parents and your sister, forewarning them that they may experience some unpleasant comments about them and especially me given her condition. I assure them that I am taking care of you and there is really no need for them to come all this way. I confirm I will keep them updated and they are pleased I have taken time off work to care for you and that I have arranged for a doctor to attend. I spend considerable time reeling off examples of the terrible behaviour you have exhibited, explaining the awful things I have been subjected to and the lies you have told about me, your friends and family. I explain that I can deal with it but I just feel so sorry for your parents and your sister having to hear such things and in order to prevent it happening again the best thing is to contact me and not you and to keep you at arms’ length. I explain I understand that it is hard but it will be the best outcome for all concerned if you are prevented from lashing out and hurting people. My explanations and good intentions are accepted and thanks is offered for my understanding and support.
The final tick is placed on the list and I place both ‘phone and pen down. I really should go and wash my hands now after smearing all that mud around.
Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away?
I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.
The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.
The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.
A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.
The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others) and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.
Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.
Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.
The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.
If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.
A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –
- Secure a new primary source immediately;
- Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
- Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.
The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.
There is a significant correlation between our kind and the use of pornographic material. Once upon a time, one might imagine that the size of a person’s porn stash might have been a rough and ready indicator of their reliance on porn and their potential for being one of our kind. Nowadays the availability of porn through the internet means that millions of images and videos are available at the click of the mouse. No longer is it necessary for people to buy top-shelf magazines, visit an “adult sex shop” to purchase videos or DVDs, or import some hardcore material from another jurisdiction. It is far easier to go online and obtain a porn fix there instead. If you have been entangled with our kind, it is highly likely that porn featured on the agenda. Initially, it will have been used as an aperitif to sexual activity, watching a film together or surfing for some interesting snippets in order to get us both in the mood or enhance the mood further. It would provide a basis for discussion between us as to ascertaining sexual mores and appetites. During seduction we would garner from you what worked for you, what turned you off and what intrigued you. Some of that knowledge would be put to use as part of the seduction and some of it would be stored away for later use. Porn would be used in an effective and healthy manner. Our true use of porn would be suspended by the needs arising from effecting the seduction, embedding you and extracting your positive fuel.
Porn appeals to each cadre of narcissist as a consequence of its availability and ubiquity. I will detail below a host of reasons why narcissists of all cadres and schools utilise porn, especially during the devaluation period, but to begin with, a brief mention as to why porn is specifically appealing to these groups.
The Victim Narcissist – with low energy levels and often a low libido, porn provides an easy and available option. Some Victim Narcissists also suffer sexual dysfunction and therefore watching porn is an easy substitute for something they are less able to do.
The Somatic Narcissist – porn is his playground. His obsessions with body and performance come together in a glittering array of writhing and gyrating bodies. Porn is the cradle of the somatic.
The Cerebral – whilst he may have less interest in the sex act, he still wants to know plenty about it and watching extensive amounts of porn, understanding techniques, observing scenarios and so forth enables the Cerebral Narcissist to stockpile his sexual arsenal for later use through spoken and written communication.
The Elite – quite obviously a combination of the reasons that attract the Somatic and the Cerebral means that the Elite finds much to relish in the world of pornography.
The Lesser – the power and control which come with porn appeal to the lesser. His lack of imagination is also catered for by watching such a massive array of porn.
The Mid-Range – acquisition of knowledge about porn enables him to portray himself as more capable than he is and enables him to talk a good game.
The Greater – the access to depravity and humiliation appeals especially to the Greater. Whilst such actions will also be evidenced in the Lesser and Mid-Range, it is the Greater who makes more extensive use of porn in this fashion.
Accordingly, porn provides some kind of use to each school and each cadre of our kind. If your narcissist did not appear to access porn, then it is probably the case that you just never caught them doing so. Secrecy is a significant part of the narcissistic lifestyle and secret tablets, activity in the bolthole and password locked devices will invariably be masking a use of porn.
Why do our kind make such extensive use of porn? The use of porn naturally is nor per se a bad thing and many victims enjoy viewing porn as a stimulating and vibrant addition to sexual activity. Those reasons are for stimulation, increasing knowledge and technique in order to please themselves and their partner and in essence for reasons which would be regarded by many people as “good”. Our reasons are far more varied.
- Objectification. I have explained previously how we regard people as objects because they are our appliances. This is even more so when we watch porn. Our grandiosity and sense of omnipotence means that these objects are performing for our benefit. We sit before glowing screen akin to a director as these objects interact at our say so. If we want to watch two women and a man together – click, we find the video. If we want anal – click, we find the video. She males, enemas, bondage – whatever we decide the objects should do, we just click and the relevant objects appear to do what we want. We consider ourselves as commanding them to do our bidding.
- Lack of intimacy. Our inability to feel many emotions means that intimacy is abhorrent to us. Yes, it will be faked during seduction because of the greater aim that exists but once there is no need for this, it is readily jettisoned. You may (not always admittedly) seek intimacy in your sexual union with us. We will not want that during devaluation and therefore this will result in an ignited fury response. In order to avoid such a scenario arising we take refuge in the world of porn where there is no intimacy. It is cold, clinical and two or more objects performing as we decree.
- Control of the environment. We do not want the environment to control us. We must control the environment. This is why control ranks so highly in our day to day dealings. In the arena of pornography, we are in complete control of the environment. We transport ourselves into the scenario as god-like we control it, directing people to place this here and that there, do this, do that, take this, take that. Porn is the ultimate place for us to be able to control the environment.
- Reflection. We do not exist save by reflection. This is why we have such an incredible need for external approval and why we seek fuel from everything that we interact with. Your emotional responses (good or bad) provide us with validation that we exist, that we matter and that we are important. We also take your characteristics to use as our own in order to further our construct of what we want to be. Porn facilitates this also. The supreme Olympic performances of those in the videos that we watch, we consider to be us. Therefore, we take those characteristics for ourselves. We also regard the reaction of those in the videos, their orgasmic screams of delight, their groans of pleasure, even the harsh words issued by a dominatrix to be directed as emotional reactions to us and thus fuel is gained and we receive validation by these people recognising us. We become a participant in the porn. If the video is a POV (point of view) production the effect is heightened.
- Withdrawal. By choosing to spend our time watching porn rather than being in bed with you we gain fuel from your response. Sometimes it will be Thought Fuel as we think of you lying there in a lonely bed upset and wondering why we spend so long locked in our bolthole and other times it will be Proximate Fuel as you berate us for watching porn or become upset when we reject your advances and head for the study instead. Our extensive use of porn is utilised to belittle you, thus drawing fuel and reinforce our superiority over you.
- Lack of challenge. We hate being challenged, after all, we are superior beings and you are inferior therefore any challenge you may issue to us in the sexual arena is unwelcome during devaluation. You are not allowed to make demands on us, have sexual needs which require fulfilment and the like. Those on the screen do not challenge us. Instead they comply with us and facilitate what we want and thus they are preferred.
- On tap. We require repeated validation and recognition of our importance and what better way than to receive it from a medium which is always there, always delivers and does so in spades? It does not feel tired; it does not have a period nor does it have a headache. It does not baulk at a certain demand or resist a depraved act. It performs when want it to and it provides us with what we need. This is how our appliances should operate and how we expect them to operate.
- Shame. We feel safer operating in an environment that does not require an emotional obligation on our part. Not always, but you will often expect an intimate connection with us during sexual activity and we do not want to provide this as we cannot. Whilst we take fuel from your emotional reactions, you often want this reciprocated in the sexual arena more than any other and we are reminded of our inability to provide certain emotions to you and this creates shame. This is a criticism which will then ignite our fury and cause us to withdraw or lash out at you. We do not wish to experience this shame and therefore by engaging in viewing porn we are not subjected to this emotional demand from you. (This is also a factor in our kind’s use of one night stands and prostitutes).
- Uniqueness. By delving into deviancy and taboo activities online this reinforces our sense of being unique, special and above everyone else. Vanilla sex is available for everyone but we are not everyone. Watching the more deviant and kink sexual activities is not done in order to gain a sexual kick from doing so (although one will be present) the main aim is to reinforce our sense of being unique because we watch (and by extension engage in) such activity.
- Triangulation. We will use the watching of porn to triangulate with you. Either through withdrawing from sexual activity with you or using what we have viewed as the basis for insisting on you engaging in similar activities and telling you why we want you to do this. This allows fuel to be obtained and enables our superiority to be reinforced.
- Social media. Our porn habits during devaluation are usually solitary activities in our boltholes where we are also able to reach out and gain fuel from a wide range of appliances through social media at the same time. This creates a heady brew of fuel from our porn viewing and our interaction with appliances through social media. This is highly edifying for us and by combining the two we feel especially powerful. We receive fuel but we are also god-like as we command the people on screen to do our bidding as we pull the strings of those we message and text.
Accordingly, porn is something which appeals considerably to our kind.
Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.
“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.
“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”
I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.
“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”
“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”
“Am I late? We said 7-15.”
“No, seven o’clock.”
“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”
“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.
“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.
“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”
“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”
She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,
“Which wine is that?”
“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.
“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.
“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,
“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.
I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.
“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”
“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.
“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.
“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.
“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”
“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.
“Yes you are.”
“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.
“I am not going there.”
“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”
“What’s it got to do with you?”
“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”
“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.
She looked indignant.
“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.
“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.
“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”
“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.
“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”
“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.
I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.
“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.
“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”
I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.
Why does he do that? Why does she behave in that manner? How many times have you considered, discussed and debated the behaviour of a partner, friend, family member of colleague when their behaviour has left you puzzled? Why do they always react in a certain way? Why do they behave in that odd manner? Most of the time it is an abusive action which is being delivered by a narcissist but the victim has no idea why this is happening or who they have tangled with. People may have heard of projection, triangulation or gaslighting but would you recognise it when one of those manipulations is being played out against you? Chances are the answer is no. Here are fifty real life manifestations of abuse which show up as a black flag in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. Not only does this direct compendium detail what those forms of abuse show as, what they really are and what the effect can be, you will also learn from the master practitioner why this happens. Remarkable insight and enlightenment.
Recognise the abuse and understand why it happens to you.
The world has become a faster place. Cars have steadily increased in speed, trains thunder along the tracks and aeroplanes race through the sky. A jet fighter is particularly quick as it breaks the sound barrier, an e-mail can carry a message from one side of the planet to the other in an instant and a television broadcast can encircle the globe in seconds. Whilst the world has become progressively faster, speed has always lurked somewhere. Few things have been faster the law of succession of the monarchy. “The King is dead, long live the King” encapsulates that the moment James I died in 1625 then his son Charles I became the king within a dying breath. The striking of a flint stone that caused a spark to ignite and thus fire to come forth was a further example of how speed has always been evident. Notwithstanding these historical examples and the onset of technological advances which has made the world become faster and faster, few things can be said to be as quick as the time it takes for our kind to change.
From idealisation to devaluation, from worship to hatred, from cherishing you to chastising you, this dramatic shift in attitude happens with such speed that is leaves you dizzy and bewildered. One day everything is fine, there are smiles and kind words, affectionate glances and warmth but without any warning, without any indication or hint of what is to come, the position alters and does so suddenly and drastically. Gone is the affection and in its place that awful stony silence which has you repeatedly asking what is the matter? Tell me what is wrong? Have I done something to upset you? We may have just been laughing together at something and then before the echo of that laugh has faded away you are defending yourself as we launch a tirade at you. You are taken by surprise at the speed by which we have attacked you, you are so confused and stunned that you cannot even speak. You may have even paid us a compliment as we sat having dinner with friends and you turn to look at us to find we are glaring at you or you are on the receiving end of a scathing put-down. The shift from happiness to sadness, pleasure to nastiness and joy to despair is dramatic as it is swift. How many times have you remarked
“It is like someone flicked a switch” ?
A light turns on and off in an instant. We turn on and off you in an instant. This change is utterly bewildering and causes considerable consternation and concern for you. You always ask what is wrong, but of course that will just annoy us and irritate us all the more because you should know what is wrong. You should be second guessing us. If you loved us you would know what was wrong wouldn’t you? How many times have you heard that line hurled at you before a plate or glass follows? But why do we change so rapidly and seemingly without reason ?
I have explained on many occasions and no doubt will continue to do so that you fail to grasp and understand the dynamic of your relationship with our kind because you look at that dynamic through your world view. You apply the logic and rules and reason of your approach to life to a situation which follows our rules because we created the world in which both you and I now reside. We dragged you into this false reality when we seduced you. It is both a fairytale and a nightmare where nothing seems to make sense,but if you looked at it through our eyes it makes perfect sense. So, let me avail you of some understanding from our point of view as to why this change happens, why it is so quick and why is hurts so much.
We may be laughing together but I don’t think that you laughed as loud or as heartily as you should have done at my witty remark or entertaining quip. Pathetic? Yes by your standards but not by mine. Your role is to pump out that positive fuel and you have not done so to the expected level by not laughing loud enough. This offends me. You have criticised me and just like the spark arising from the flint above you have ignited my fury and it manifests as me lashing out at you.
We may be sitting peacefully in the living room, music playing in the background and enjoying a lazy Sunday reading the newspapers and then the paper is hurled to the floor and we are attacking you verbally. In that supposedly pleasant silence we remembered a remark you made two weeks ago which was critical of something we had said. We berated you at the time but that does not matter. As you know, we love to bring up the past. The recall of that event burns at your unwarranted criticism and once again our fury has been ignited resulting in you having your placid Sunday shattered as a shouting match ensues.
You may have just complimented our shirt and trousers but you forgot the shoes. We then forget the compliments you provided to us and solely focus on the compliment you should have given us. We are elevated and superior to you and you should recognise this at all times, well you would if you loved us wouldn’t you? Your failure to provide the compliment is again a criticism and our fury ignites.
What makes it worse is that we will often not tell you what the basis of the fury is and instead go on the attack by criticising you in return in order to make us feel better. We may not say you failed to compliment us about our new shoes and instead remark about how we do not like your hair the way you have styled it, which makes the situation all the more bewildering for you.
This sudden change allows us to gather negative fuel from your angry defence, tearful replies and sobbing apologies. It allows us to keep you anxious, on edge and confused which allows us to maintain control. This change makes no sense to you, even if we explained why we felt furious at the time, but when you consider it through the narcissist’s lens it makes sense in our world.
This change of heart happens because somehow you criticise us and nothing is faster than the igniting of a narcissist’s fury. As you know all too well.
No Contact is the holy grail of escaping from the grip of our kind. It is the of course, for numerous reasons, both on your side and ours, it is not always possible to achieve it. Nevertheless, because No Contact amounts to ignoring our kind, it remains the most powerful tool in the victim’s armoury. You are always advised to implement it and keep it in place when you have ascertained that you are dealing with one of our kind. Not only does it provide you with a period of respite after a tumultuous period of time, so that you can recuperate and gather some much needed strength, it also reduces drastically our effect on your because we operate so much based on our interaction with you. Although we may derive Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to many of our manipulations that will only sustain us for a period of time until it then begins to fade. If we continue to apply the same manipulation in expectation of a response but there is none forthcoming which we can witness, then the envisioned reaction loses its potency and moves from Thought Fuel to a criticism of us because we are being ignored. Thus if you have escaped out clutches and we send you a series of text messages, at first we envision that you will be upset to receive them and this provides us with Thought Fuel. If there is no response however, this Thought Fuel fades in its potency and we are left feeling ignored after a period of time and this then amounts to a criticism and ignites our fury. This is why No Contact is so important to you and so infuriating to us.
How then do our kind feel when No Contact has been implemented? Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist. If you tell the Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship has ended and do so in person, you have just ignited the blue touch paper. His instinctive reaction is one of huge criticism at this rejection. He will barely feel the rejection however as the ignition of his fury will be almost immediate. A massive eruption of heated fury will occur and you are in physical danger. He will not beg for you to stay; he will not plead with you. Such thoughts do not present themselves to him because the proverbial red mist has descended. Rage is coursing through him, furious and visceral rage which obliterates any rational thinking. He has lost control and he will direct this heated fury at you. He will physically prevent your departure as he locks doors, removes keys, bolts gates, closes windows and so forth. Expect the tyres on your car to be slashed or the windscreen put through as he continues to pace back and forth, cursing and hurling all manner of insults at you There is a complete loss of control. He may very well attack you, blind fury causing a flurry of punches and kicks in your direction. If there is a weapon to hand it will be used. His instinctive response is one he has not control over and it is done to achieve one thing and one thing alone; to cause you pain. He has no time to make your frustrated or angry. He cannot wait (although he does not know this) for the tears to flow (although they will). He need fuel because this massive rage that has been caused through the horrendous wound you have generated from you telling him it is over and you are leaving is draining him and draining him fast. The huge wound you have created needs to be healed and the ignited fury is using his fuel up and doing so quickly. He needs an emotional reaction from you. It must be straight away. Thus he lashes out at your verbally and physically to generate a pained response by you, accompanied by fear and then upset. This will give him the instant hit of fuel. This will begin to repair the wound. He will not allow you to get away from him for two reasons. The first is that subconsciously he needs you there to provide the fuel which he needs. Secondly, allowing you to go would more or less finish him, since it would be a further criticism. This departure criticism wounds on two fronts. First, the very fact you are going (having said that you were) opens up another criticism by telling him he is not good enough. Secondly, the fact he has not been able to stop you, destroys his sense of power and control. The first criticism of telling him it is over if allowed to combined with the double-edged criticism of departure will bring him to the brink of collapse. Thus his instinctive reaction is both to stop your departure and to draw fuel from you. If he injures you, this will most likely prevent your departure. He will keep attacking you until the rage subsides. This will happen when the wound has been healed by the fuel you provide.
If you cannot escape but (somehow) provide no fuel when assaulted (physically and verbally) your criticism of telling him, you will go will continue to wound him. He has no choice but to keep attacking you in order to provoke a reaction. It is a knee jerk response and extremely unlikely as it is, if you failed to provide fuel, this continued assault would most likely result in you being killed. Of course nearly everybody subjected to this would respond in pain and fear, thus the fuel is provided. Significant (and potentially life threatening) harm will already have happened. Once the rage subsides, you will be left in a crumpled heap, possibly unconscious as finally the rage leaves him.
Telling a Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship is over and doing so face to face is an extremely dangerous step.
What of the situation whereby you leave a letter, send a message or just do nothing and allow him to work out that it is over? Once realisation has dawned on him that you have departed, the fury is ignited once again. There is the first criticism and he is severely wounded. The second criticism has not yet happened however. That double-edged criticism has not occurred. This is because although you have left he was not given the chance at the point of knowing it was over to try to stop you. Thus, his fury is ignited but he is not overwhelmed (yet) by the wound. With fury ignited, the Lesser will fly into a rage and lash out at those around him in an immediate knee jerk response to draw fuel in order to address the wound. Straight away his only thought is to find you. If he does and is able to face you face to face, then scenario will pan out as above. He will smash things up in order to reach you, break down doors, assault people to get past them and once he has you face to face you will be ordered to return home. If you do not, you will be forcibly taken back, assaulted in the process. It is akin to a caveman dragging his wife back to the cave.
If you manage to resist his attempts to drag you back, either because he cannot find you or if he can find you he cannot reach you, the failure to achieve his aim will wound him further. Anybody who is in his path – friends, family, strangers, the police – will feel the full force of his raging fury. This will continue in a bid to draw fuel from them. If fuel is provided it will not completely heal the wound (in the way fuel form you would) but rather it will provide him with enough to cause the rage to subside. He will then withdraw to lick his wounds and seek out alternative fuel. He may return, but not straight away. His follow-up hoovers will depend on entering the spheres of influence. His immediate need will be to recover from this criticism and find a new primary source whilst relying on fuel from secondary and tertiary sources.
If you resist his attempts to drag you back and he is unable to draw fuel in the immediacy from those around him – for example he is arrested and slung in his cell, or people stay out of his way- thus he is denied fuel, he will be teetering on the edge of oblivion. The rage will be extinguished as there is nothing left to power it anymore. He will feel weak and a sense of his world coming to an end. He will withdraw and enter a depressed state, hiding away from the cruel and tormenting world. He will stay in this state until such time as someone provides him with the first drops of fuel to pull him from this depressed and weakened state. Like water hitting a thirsting plant, he will respond to this fuel and then have sufficient energy to seek out more and then more, continuing his recovery until he is functioning in his usual way. At this point, he will need a new primary source (if one has not already presented itself to him) and he will apply himself to securing this (which may include hoovering you if circumstances allow). If you are not hoovered, he will seduce a different new primary source and then be occupied with that primary source. You will largely be left alone unless you enter the inner spheres of influence which will unleash a hoover.
The reaction of the Lesser Narcissist to No Contact is one of blinding, blazing fury. He lashes out left, right and centre in the immediate and pressing need for fuel. If he obtains fuel from you and secures stopping you from leaving, the rage will abate. If he cannot stop you but secures fuel, he will eventually withdraw, rage unable to be powered, but with sufficient fuel to still function and seek out a new primary source. If that fuel is denied to him he will ultimately shut down until such time as fuel is provided to awaken him again.
The Lesser’s immediate response is dangerous, violent but entirely predictable.