The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 2
It is only over when you die or we die. Death is the only release from our grip.
I repeatedly explain this. I am not advocating that you kill yourself, but rather, I am reinforcing to you, that owing to the Narcissistic Perspective we regard you as our property. You belong to us and that ownership lasts until either you die or we die.
I know some people regard such a comment as grandiosity on my part, “Oh HG,” they say “That’s just you wanting so sound powerful.”
No, it isn’t. True, it is a manifestation of power, but it is a fact and if you fail to abide by this golden rule then you will not achieve and maintain your freedom from our kind.
If you think such a comment is just a manifestation of grandiosity and that your entanglement with the narcissist is over and will never be resurrected, then you are falling prey to your emotional thinking. You will lower your guard, you will engage with us again and you will be ensnared in some form. I have seen it happen repeatedly with my victims. Further, I have lost track of the number of times honest readers have stated
“You were right HG. He came back.”
Of course he or she did. We always will, if the opportunity arises because you are our property, our appliance and we have invested in you. We want to capitalise on that investment time and time again.
You may state with conviction that this was the ‘final discard’ (such a phrase makes me roll my eyes) because there is no such thing. Those that declare that it was the final discard, invariably state it from one of two perspectives – firstly, that they have done something so terrible to the narcissist that he or she would never dare to darken their doorstep again or secondly it is said because they want the twisted confirmation that it isn’t the “final discard” and the narcissist will return because the addicted victim wants the narcissist to return again.
Such conviction is dangerous. It breeds complacency. It makes you vulnerable. I will not deny that there are certain acts which are committed against that result in massive wounding. These acts invariably lead to your disengagement and our kind may well skulk away tail between legs and not be seen or heard of for some time. But it is only a temporary state of affairs.
There is always a risk we will return. It may be a very low risk or a very high risk, but the risk remains and a lot of the time, owing to naivety and ineffective (supposed) no contact regimes the risk is higher than you realise. Owing to the innate addiction you have to our kind and your inherent susceptibility to the fraudulent effects of emotional thinking, the risk is higher than you realise.
By understanding that it is never over until you die or we die ensures you avoid the complacency which results in ensnarement. I do not mean you have to live your life thereafter always looking over your shoulder, but ensuring that you do not adopt the mantle of arrogance that we are gone for good. By maintaining the mindset that there is always a risk, you will create a Logic Defence so that you, over time and with the adoption of additional techniques I can detail to you, automatically maintain your vigilance so that it does not feel like a burden.
Every one of my romantic victims has been hoovered by me. I do not draw them back into the Formal Relationship as I have a nomadic approach, but they have all been hoovered. One was hoovered after a 12 year gap.
Do not regard this golden rule as one of inducing fear and despair, but instead apply it so that you maintain your awareness and your guard is now lowered. By understanding and applying this rule, you are far less likely to commit the elementary errors that those disregarding this rule will do.
Our mindset says it is never over until death comes. Our need for fuel and other elements of the Prime Aims means that it is never over until death comes. Our ability to return in so many different ways means that it is never over until death comes.
By combining this golden rule with my material however you can ensure that it may as well be over because your education and application of your education means the risk of our return has been reduced and maintained at a very low level indeed.
Disregard this golden rule and your risk increases.
62 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 2”
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Dear HG
You have repeatedly explained that a Narcissistic Relationship only ends when the person or the narcissist dies. But when exactly did this Narcissistic Relationship start? When do you start considering some other person your property in the Narcissistic Relationship? The moment you target the person? Or the moment you stop the drawing-in-by-mirroring and switch to taking the lead successfully for the first time? Do you need a signal to consider the person your property? Is it the fact that a person fuels you? Is there a mark, a sign, a clue?
I am asking in order to understand how people can avoid being drawn in. Thank you for clarifying.
The moment we engaged with you.
This reminds me of the Midas touch.
Sorry.. I am new. What is IPSS and IPPS!
Intimate Partner Secondary Source. Intimate Partner Primary Source.
Hello H.G.
I can say that you’re right. This kind of relationship is different from a normal relationship and as the Narc thinks that we are his/her property, as we keep alive the hope/fear that he come back (for many reason, not only to restart a relationship with Narc but also to reject him/her). Many times I have deluded myself that he would never come back and then instead he did it. Just the last time I did’t fall again in his seduction but I feel pain again and he know it so he takes fuel for my suffering. He understand that I want to talk with his wife and he threatened me…now he disappeared and I think that he find a new one misstress… but I know that maybe in a long time he could get back inmy life if he feels safe from my pain and anger. But not now… I’m far and he have fear of my reaction that can destroy his precious marriage and perfect world.
Ive heard so many times of exes reappearing after huge spans of time. I think the only way to be immune is to either be totally over that person and no longer attracted to them in any way or to go full no contact to avoid being hooked by them again. Full no contact with someone youre addicted to and have deep ties to has to be the most painful process. Narcs do have a little black book with their appliances in to draw from as needed.
I am winning my bet with you. It will be 12 months in one month and not a word from him. You did hoover after 12 years, but have you ever actively sought out someone when they were not in your sphere or by accident? I am thinking that an active searching out of a victim would almost have to entail some faking at a formal relationship because depending on how it would be left, I am sure there would be some hurdles to overcome in a victim?
I am going to win this bet…. And and glad that after nearly 12 months, I have not said a word to the jackass. I got this! 🙂
You won’t win.
The only way I lose the bet is if he contacts me. So, right now. I win.
It’s open-ended, remember?
You know why I am going to win? Something I figured out about myself ages ago and ‘worked on it’ which I could, because it was learned behavior, not it nate to me. I am part narc. Not your kind, but another kind. That’s why I went off on him ages ago as I mentioned in my other post. Part-narc meets full narc and its not pretty and they never win.
It took me some time to realize that when my mother told me my dad treated me badly one because he couldn’t control me, she was speaking of herself and projecting her understandin of dynamics. It was SHE who could never control me. I was the mirror who always told her she is one effed up lady. And that is what I told him. In action, in words, and in the erratic behaviors I had with him. “Catch me if you can narc, because you never will be able to.” I win because once I get it, once they go too far, I go and never, ever go back. Getting it may take a while, healing even longer, but when I am done, I am done. Done with them. Done with the narc “fun”.
Half-breed narc.
But now, I am focusing my life on my other half of my breed. Full artistic deep spirit. My paintings are really progressing. 🙂
Mr. Tudor, is it considered a hoover if the intended “hoovee” is so insulated that she is not aware you have attempted a hoover? Kind of like the tree falling in the forest…
Most people do not realise it is a hoover, it is only those who realise that they are dealing with a narcissist and understand what hoovering is.
This post popped up on my email notification. I am doing great. 2 years is right around the corner, and not a word from him, and I don’t feel much anymore. I actually try to get myself to feel as I did before, the intensity of what I felt for him, and I can’t find a trace of it. Life is good. Thanks HG, the consultation with you revealed something to me and soon after, that was it, he stopped dominating my thoughts and heart. I hope you are well. And everyone else here, I hope you are all well. It is possible to break the chains. ❤
You are most welcome.
This post popped up on my email notification. I am doing great. 2 years is right around the corner, and not a word from him, and I don’t feel much anymore. I actually try to get myself to feel as I did before, the intensity of what I felt for him, and I can’t find a trace of it. Life is good. Thanks HG, the consultation with you revealed something to me and soon after, that was it, he stopped dominating my thoughts and heart. I hope you are well. And everyone else here, I hope you are all well. It is possible to break the chains. ❤
You are welcome.
Hallelujah! I am free of three!
May i gather no more narcissist unto me.
Hello HG
If you would be so kind to clear something up for me:
The male narcissist targets female empath for fuel & they become friends & she is smitten. A few months later they become intimate but then she finds out he has an IPPS. She confronts him but he denies of course. Despite being devastated she tells him she is walking away and gets shelved as a result of this wounding but then they keep in amicable contact intermittently thereafter as non intimate friends. She was a possible Candidate IPSS but not promoted to IPPS because she was not always compliant. If the narcissist begins to look at her in a different light in the future, for whatever reason, could she once again become a Candidate IPSS? Or can the empath not attain the same role twice?
Daisy
Daisy,
Read HG’s article, “How to make the Narcissist return” or find a different narcissist. Jk
Yes, they are bothersome like flies at the windshield. They always come back to annoy you and you have to clean it up. Even if you say it loud, that you do not want to have any contact, they do not accept it. Stalking is a well known word for some of them (not all of them).
HG, he came back, I let him into my life again, there was a short golden period of four days, the day after my birthday he ended the relationship with a horrible coldness, it was my birthday gift, I’m still crying …
I’m really sorry you went through that again, Medusa.
You will meet someone else who is worthy of your love.
The narcissist will never change and sadly, hope is the very last thing that dies, and it should die, for your sake and your recovery.
Thank you for your words Mara!
Hi medusa….first off (((hugs))). That sounded like a malign hoover. Basically to prove to himself he still had power over you and to kick you kn your butt again. Dont feel bad bc many of us have made the same mistake over and over again. Pick yourself up dust yourself off and start new. Look at it as valdation of who he is. He did you a favor in a way but it was a shitty thing to do. You have 100% certainty youre dealing with a narcissist. All the best 💓
thank you, I feel so tired, I have revived so many times this destructive cycle, hoping for a change … now again I am silent resisting their new attempts to communicate with me …
Id journal what the narc did to you and how you feel right now so you can go back and look at it when you feel the urge to contact them. I know ive got a super short memory when it comes to the negative and way too eager to forgive and forget. It only gets worse each tkme you go back. Hes done you a big favor showing how easily he can cast you aside.
He doesnt deserve any of your time or even thoughts.
My ex beats your record–he is hoovering one of his ex’s who he hasn’t had contact with for 25 years (confirmed by her)! But what about the situation where a narc fears disclosure because his victim knows who and what he is?
Yes, you are right! He came back after 20 years. His father had recently passed, his wife had divorced him within a few months of that, and he was having problems with his new primary. He reached out to me to mirror my personality and kindness to this primary to further entrap her. I was sick to have learned I was used in this way. He has broken my heart a second time and there will NOT be a third thanks to HG!!!
I believe you are right about this 100%. I would be one of your victims that was sucked back in. I need to protect myself by believing that I’m just a contact away from the addiction. Two years out and I would say that the addiction is still there. It’s buried most days but it wouldn’t take much to be tempted. One day she will reach out and I will immediately come here:
I hope all the newer people here take your advice.
I was out last month and saw my exes best friend. After running to the bathroom to cry I made sure I stayed out of his eyesight. No one understood this but I knew if he saw me he would get on his phone and text her that I was there. Then I would be in her sphere. That’s the last thing I wanted.
Hi Snow White
2 years now, that is awesome!
Your right thou with your approach, your just a contact away from your addiction. It is recognizing the signs and avoiding another, HG is doing a marvelous job at teaching just what those signs are.
Twilight
Hello Twilight!!
How r u doing?
I appreciate the compliment.
I still find HG’s work to be 100% accurate. The two years have been long. I would be a mess if I hasn’t found this blog. I see the world through HG’s eyes now. The positive attitude and belief in hope that I once had still haven’t come back. I am cynical now.
I still miss the old me. That is one of the few things that still bring the tears out.
How is your shop?
Hello Snow White
I am doing great thank you!
How are you?
HG has much to be proud of here. His accuracy speaks for itself.
The store….has been taxing as of late. It is just a moment in time and this to shall come to an end.
Take care and hope to see you around!
Thank you Twilight.
I guess it’s true. Mine told me recently that he thinks it will never end. When I asked what’s that mean never got a reply. I guess he’s talking through experience . But HG if you always have primary source and plenty of secondary why still bother someone who got away stay away or wants to get away ?
You are right. And you know it. 🙂
Indeed.
HG,
I Love these Golden Rules of Freedom! Are these new and how many more are there?
I printed the first one and carry it with me. Thank you so much for these!
They are and there are more to come.
Funny- I didn’t think of killing myself, but rather am hoping there will be a post about how to get away with murder (haha)…HG, is that why there’s no risk of your exes hearing your voice and recognizing you?
💔😭😭😭❤️ Truth.
I fear I may be transferring my addiction to him to an addiction to You HG. I can’t be the first and I’m sure that won’t be the last. Your ever presence in my email, fb, etc… Touché.
I guess this the safer place for one like me. ❤️🔥😏
Obsession for HG is the lesser of two evils, so to speak!
I’m intrigued by HG, too . . . I picture him a Jack Nicholson (far more handsome and sophisticated) in the Witches of Eastwick and I’m part of his harem. But I feel safe here and that I will get an honest evaluation and honest answers. HG, I think u genuinely care about ur readers/followers.
I recognise that my readers seek to engage with me in order to understand and assist themselves, I respect that and the dynamic is very simple – I will give you the information, I will answer questions and you then have the best tools to assist you in moving forward. I find the interaction intellectually interesting and my readers are important to me. I do not approve of people attacking the integrity and intentions of my readers and will put them straight. You play ball with me, I will play ball with you.
Gotcha. They are what they are, that will never change. So always be vigilant. I will.
A hoover after 12 years? It is insane diging up carcass relationships. I have too much pride and dignity to go back to something that never worked the first time plus the attraction would be long gone. Maybe I’m just too unrelenting, rigid, strict with myself and others. Past is past! The question is HG why do you have so much spare time to hoover ghosts of girlfriends past?
1. The opportunity presented itself. It was an open goal. I am not turning that down.
2. It was “not going back to something that never worked” – I obtained fuel. I am Nomadic, I do not resurrect the Formal Relationship.
3. It was a phone call. It did not take much time at all.
How does this pertain to an ipss which over time could be hundreds of people. If you are constantly.harvesting new supplly why go back to the old ? And yes there have been 2 narcs in my life and one returned after more than 10 years
Why go back to an IPSS? Why not? It might just be a telephone conversation or meeting for coffee – those interactions provide fuel. Hoovering does not mean started an affair again – that might happen, but it does not mean it WILL happen.
Thank you so much, HG. Very helpful.
Yes, I feel I need to keep in contact with your work to continue assimilating the truth of who the narcissist is. It has a sobering effect on my emotional thinking that would otherwise surely be surging.
Thank you so much again.
Loving this Golden Rules meme series! <3
HG, this proves again that the risk of a hoover only exists for the IPPS. You wrote the following: “Every one of my romantic victims has been hoovered by me. I do not draw them back into the Formal Relationship as I have a nomadic approach, but they have all been hoovered.” Here, you clearly talk about your IPPS’s because of the reference to the nomadic approach, which you described elsewhere. What do you say about that?
Wrong.
Everyone of my romantic victims has been hoovered by me. This covers both IPPS and IPSS – they are both romantic.
A Nomadic approach is applicable to both IPPS and IPSS.
I can hoover an IPSS who was, say a mistress, but do not resurrect the affair again, I have a one-off conversation and exact fuel that way, or go for dinner, or for drinks. The FR has not been resurrected yet I have hoovered and gained fuel.
To believe the risk of hoovering exists only for the IPPS is both incorrect and evidence of you trying to convince yourself that he will not hoover you when it is patently clear you want him to do so.
Thank you, HG. I appreciate the clarification that the nomadic approach applies to both IPPS and IPSS. I did not know that. As for me wanting the narc to hoover, I have mixed and polar opposite feelings about that. When I think about the possibility, I actually get scared, anxious, and get a fight or flight response. The emotional pain has been diminishing considerably. I am beginning to feel so much better. My head is getting clearer. I am feeling more at ease, my self-esteem is rising, I do not feel as worthless, etc. I sleep better. I am not ruminating and obsessing all the time like I used to. I used to think about him non-stop. I now find myself going without constantly thinking about him. I keep reading about others still experiencing a lot of pain and agony when they have contact with their narcs, and I know I do not want to feel this way ever again.
You are listening more to your conscious responses and not allowing your ET to explain that feeling away, which is progress.
Thanks so much, HG! This validation and encouragement mean a lot to me!
I m with you, IS. No way. I win this because even if he ever had the guts to contact me, I have nothing to say. Luckily, I am getting practice right now with No Response contact with my narc mother. If he ever contacted me, I would just add him to her.
No way. For a hoover to work (for me to respond) I would still have to have some hope, some dream, something. And I don’t. Not one bit. I have no more interest in his life and how it is. He never had much interest in mine. Whatever would we talk about? Nothing. There is no trust, no honesty, nothing. Whatever would be the point in ever responding to him? Every cell of him is a fake lie and its not interesting to me. Past is past. He was a very bad 2 bumps in my life, years apart, but I will never forget, never forgive and never let him near any part of me, be a reaction to a text from him or anything. Which just won’t happen for many reasons, one of which I won’t say, but the wounding had to have been extreme for him. He won’t be back because of that.
This ” ’til death do us part” message does give me a bit of the creeps, but I get what’re saying – and appreciate the wisdom of grasping this concept. My experience is that it’s true, especially the part about thinking I’m forever his “property.” I do sense that.
I was hoovered 36 years later.
Obviosly I didn’ t know he was one of your kind .
I was a believer in love . Eternal magical first love .
It was the end of my old way of thinking, but thank’ s to you , HG , I know it is “ forever “ while he or me will be on this planet .
Thank you for this confirmation Paula. Let that sink in readers, 36 years later.
But was this person actually a Narc?
I had the same time span. The only reason he did it was that Facebook reconnected me to him and my childhood high school. If it weren’t for that, the platform, he never, ever would have put energy into finding me. He claimed he looked for me, thought of me ever 6 months, but I know now that was just a seductive lie. All of it. I was just there, he was bored, he is so used to his seductive ways, it all just came out. It had nothing to do with actively coming back for me, hoovering, or excitedly seducing. Its just ehat he does, so he does did it. I, me, as a person, was irrelevant.
And its not uncommon with the internet for old flames to find one another, relive what ifs… and they end badly but it doesn’t mean they are areal narc/empath situations.
He is one for sure though and confirmed by others though they just call him an ego maniac.