Surely That’s The End, Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
Wrong.
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
We will.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
12 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End, Yes?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I am unsure if you will respond to this or not considering the last post by someone was on March 3, 2018 but I’ll ask my question anyways.
I recently learned my husband, soon to be ex is a malignant narcissist/psychopath. We were married for 21.5 years (together for 23 years). He discarded me on March 5, 2019. I put in a police complaint against my husband and so did our four children (due to the abuse that was inflicted upon me and my children). On March 12, 2019 he was arrested and charged with five offences.
1. By putting in a complaint against my husband that resulted in him being arrested and charged, would that cause him to never hoover me?
If my husband is found guilty (the evidence against him is overwhelming), there is a good possibility of him going to jail- which will result in him being dishonorable discharged from the military (he has served 18 years), losing his license as an emergency medical responder (paramedic)- which takes away his future career after the military, and also let go from the local fire department as a volunteer firefighter. It will also cause him to lose his PAL license (being able to purchase a guns- he also hunts), and he will also have to hand in any guns he currently owns into the police.(I know this will upset him a great deal) On top of this fact I am also divorcing him (even though I still care about him and love him), which will result in him losing half of his pay to child and spousal support, as well as he will have to give me half of his military pension (which is significant) and his CPP. My lawyer is also asking he pays all matrimonial debt (which includes but is not limited to paying the mortgage to our home (which I am seeking exclusive ownership) and truck payments). Basically, his entire future will be altered.
2. Also, by him being a malignant narcissist /psychopath, would this also put my life in danger if this does happen?
My husband would constantly utter threats against my life. He would tell me he would hire someone to kill me when he is away so he can’t be blamed for doing it. He has asked people if they could take me “out on the ice when we play hockey together, and he would share half of the life insurance money with them.” He would tell me how he would kill me if he did it himself an the story he would create so when the police arrived. He would constantly go through the emotions to stab me, and punch me. He strangled me repeatedly during sex over the last year + of our marriage. He has told me how he would spend the insurance money once I am dead. He has hit me, but the psychological, verbal and emotional abuse was more significant; as well as the manipulation and gaslighting. (He is also a compulsive liar and has cheated on me for years. He would tell me if I was dead, it would be easier than divorcing me. (he has made this comment repeatedly for the past 5-6 years. As each year progressed the abuse escalated.
3. Is this normal behavior of a malignant narcissist /psychopath. He went through the normal stages of love bombing, devaluing and discarding. (his behavior took a significant change in 2010- and that is when it became more threatening. Its like he gave himself permission on July 11, 2010 that he could treat me ANY way he desired.)
Currently he has conditions of release where he is not allowed to contact me or our children, go near us or go to my residence. There is a trial date set for January 15, 2020 for him to face those charges so he has to abide to those conditions up until that date. My husband has already violated those conditions on two separate occasions over the last four months by using a third party to remove a vehicle from our property and to drop an item off at our house.
My husband did the normal smear campaign against me – he had been working on it for several years – but it really came into full force when he left me on March 5th.(he is really playing himself to others that he is the “victim”.and I am a crazy person )
My husband already has a new supply. He found her less than two weeks of him leaving me and moved in with her three months after he left me- even though he told me he never wanted to be in another committed relationship and didn’t want to live with anyone.
4. Would I being meeting the hoover criteria? and is there a likelihood of him retaliating?
Hello Kimberly, there is a lot of information here and the appropriate forum for addressing such detail and answering it properly is here https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Does a narcissist ever, unaware of his pathology, tenaciously ‘pester women he wants as IP’s? Stalks them . . . the women run when they see the narc approach becuz they weren’t attracted to him . . . but he is obsessed with the prospect of the better fuel they would provide?
See fuel obsession.
HG could you please direct me to that article? Thank you
What Is Making Him Come Back.
Thank you, HG!
Anonymous- I have wondered this too. My MLV narc has no game and I watched one night as one of his flirtations was met with disgust. He then tried to friend her on FB and she deleted the request. He kissed a friiend one night and she wasn’t interested and ignored subsequent phone call and text. Hg I am off to read that article
I am never sure whether you mean “hoover” or “hover”, both being equally understandable behaviours of a narcissist (I hope your books are edited better)
Hi. With all due respect, my understanding is Hoover is used becuz it is derived from the Hoover vacuum cleaner . . . vision of being sucked in whereas hovering is consistent with a helicopter always watching over.
Hi HG,
You wrote about hoover criteria, and one of the criteria was the nature of the narcissist who you are entangled with. Could you elaborate on the mid-range narcissist and how they approach a hoover situation. A few questions you could answer are:
1. How often do mid-range narcissists attempt a hoover? I know it depends on many different factors, but do they ever give up?
2. Do they worry about narcissistic injury before making an attempt?
3. Does it wound the mid-range narcissist if the victim has expressed they never want them back? Or does that make them want to come back more? Basically, is there even an instance where the victim believes they are telling the mid-range narcissist to stay away, but that can cause the narcissist to want to come back even more? Do they enjoy the hoover being a challenge or do they prefer it to be easy?
You can add anything else that is relevant to mid-range narcissists.
Side note, I enjoy reading about mid-range narcissists, so if you have more content about them, I would love to read more. Thank you.
1. Depends on how many Hoover Triggers there are and the applicability of the Hoover execution Criteria.
2. Not at a conscious level, but it is a factor at an unconscious level, yes.
3. Depends how it is said – usually it will be Challenge Fuel.