10 Rejections of Intimacy
We embrace the trappings of intimacy because we know this is what you expect when our relationship commences. You want to touch us; you want to be touched. You want to gaze into one another’s eyes and revel in what you see there. The tenderness of the kiss, the tingling sensation that arises from the briefest of brushing touches and the safety and security of a hand being held. We endure all of this in order to maintain the illusion of our perfect love and to provide you with that which you have been conditioned to expect as denoting love, affection and passion. Such intimacy repeatedly hints at a place we would rather not go but the necessity of your seduction means that we focus on the task in hand and dispel those occasional thoughts of what that intimacy means and signifies. Those considerations are banished as we press on with our crusade and complete our quest. Once our tendrils are wrapped around you, our fangs sunk deep into your emotional jugular and the fuel flows, then the provision of such intimacy can finally and thankfully be turned to a better application, namely conveying rejection to you and in turn bring about despondency, humiliation and confusion. Whilst we prefer words to do our work, these rejections work marvellously well because of the effect that they have on you and the economy of effort that comes with them. Provision takes effort. Denial comes easily. Here are ten rejections of intimacy.
- No eye contact
I don’t want to mirror you any longer but I don’t want you seeing the lurking darkness in my eyes, not just yet. Instead I will settle for evading looking at you, creating the sensation that I cannot bear to look upon you, which is rather accurate because now you are reminding me too much of what I despise and I would rather look elsewhere.
- Kissing the top of your head
We know you want to be kissed on the mouth but that isn’t going to happen. Not today and not for a while until I decide I can stomach doing so in order to get something from you that I want. I will kiss you on the head, tilting your head down, making you lower yourself in front of me as I place the patronising light kiss on the top of your head. You are a child to me, someone who knows no better and has to be guided by me. You are bowing, showing fealty through this gesture for I am your ruler and your liege.
- Shuddering if you touch us
You cannot place boundaries for me. I go where I want. You however have no entitlement to me. You require my permission and especially so when it means violating my space. If you catch me unawares and touch me, no matter how lightly, I will give a violent shudder as if have been touched by something unpleasant so you are left in no doubt as to what I think about you.
- Turning our back on you in bed
This is done as soon as we climb into bed on the occasion we have deigned to provide you with our presence or not banished you from the bedroom with a well-time bout of aggression. You have your hopes raised of sexual union or at least the heart-warming pleasantry of cuddling up together. Instead you receive a glacial wall that is our back and if you think this is an invitation to “spoon” with us you will be sharply elbowed or back heeled away from us.
- Avoiding taking your hand
Once upon a time we always took your hand as we walked along the road, through a museum or around the shops, making you feel loved and showing the world that we were together. There was a time when we wanted everyone to know that you were ours. No longer. We will ignore the proffered hand, driving our own into our pockets or shaking off your hand if you happen to grab ours. You don’t decide to show others we are together; don’t you realise that one of my new prospects might see?
- Awkward Evasion
You try to place an arm around us and we suddenly jump up as if we have sat on a tack. You attempt to hug us and we move around you like a rugby player evading a tackle, often contorting ourselves into a move which would be more often seen in a gymnastics contortion. Our desire to wriggle away, duck under, escape and move apart suggests that your very touch might burn us. The exaggerated movement can leave you in no doubt that this was deliberate.
- One-sided hug
You have taken us by surprise and launched a hug at us, be it from the front, sides or rear. You will not have it reciprocated. There will be no return gesture, no warming and intimate response. We will stand like a block of ice, arms down by our sides, back stiff and stare straight ahead willing this uncomfortable moment to end.
- No longer naked
We once paraded around naked in front of you, letting it all hang out, without a care in the world. Truth be told we wanted you to look on our naked form and admire and it was also done to signal to your that we were entirely comfortable around one another in the buff. Now we behave like a coy virgin. We wear pyjamas in bed rather than sleep naked, we lock the bathroom door when we are in there so you cannot walk in on us and we always wrap a towel around us in order to cover-up our intimate areas so you cannot see us. If you happen to walk in unexpectedly when we are naked we will grab the nearest shirt, sombrero or fruit bowl to cover our modesty or dive behind a door, under a bed or out of the window. You don’t get to look any more.
- Proffering a cheek
You wait to kiss us and want to plant a tender kiss on our mouth. Others are looking and we must have consideration for the façade. An awkward evasion move now would be unwise and might invite unwanted speculation and comment. Instead we turn our head so you are left with no option but to plant that kiss on our cheek. We will not hold the cheek there either but pull away as soon as you embrace it. You are being given advance warning of your demotion from intimate partner to outer circle friend with this rejection tactic.
- Moving if you lean against us
You want to cuddle up next to us on the expansive sofa. If you do, we will get up and move to an armchair as soon as you begin to lean onto us. If you try and the sit in my lap, I will tip you up and deposit you on the floor as I leave the room and give you a silent treatment for pushing the matter too far. If I am lying down watching television and you try and climb on me, you may as well be trying to wrestle a crocodile as I will resist your advance and push you away before moving into a position which is easier to fend you off and send you a clear signal to sit elsewhere.
31 thoughts on “10 Rejections of Intimacy”
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HG, I have a question regarding intimacy and would appreciate your input. Is it possible for an UMRN to experience a moment of intimacy that would trigger a fear of losing control / being exposed as the fragile self he is, and that would set in motion the period of devaluation?
That moment was the only one in all of 5 years where he relaxed and allowed me control over his pleasure. In any normal kind of relationship it would have been the point that allowed for further explorations of such intimacy and trust, here it just didn’t happen.
What is more likely – he started devaluing me to preserve his boundaries or my desire to repeat the kind of trust/intimacy made him think I was trying to gain control over him and he resented me for it? Or maybe it was something else entirely?
Not that it changes anything about the outcome or my decision to stay away, but it did make me wonder…
HG, you say that MR feels that fuel isn’t tasty any longer and switches to devaluation but doesn’t know it is a devaluation, he just reacts to our behaviour.
So can you tell me if it’s possible, when is the moment he starts to plan to disengage? The moment he knows the end is coming, when he sill devalues, gaining negative fuel, manipulates but he no longer see it as a normal crisis in relationship but makes a decision to discard? I imagine, some devaluations can last many years without disengaging. And some can last a month and are ended by the escape or his discard.
Does it depends on the IPPS’s reaction to devaluation? For example if she goes for his manipulations and tries harder to make him happy it can prolong the relationship but when she is non reactive or even worse, she call on his machinations telling him he is the bad guy and doesnt deserve any better, he realize the discard is the only option because the appliance is broken?
My MR ex told me (month after discard): “You’ve let me down. You could have everything, I wanted to give you everything but you didn’t truly want it. You were just finding excuses to refuse to cooperate.”
“Once our tendrils are wrapped around you, our fangs sunk deep into your emotional jugular and the fuel flows, then the provision of such intimacy can finally and thankfully be turned to a better application, namely conveying rejection to you and in turn bring about despondency, humiliation and confusion.”
Does the Golden Period end (and Devaluation begin) when the narcissist realizes his victim is emotionally invested in him and in the relationship and he is confident that his victim will not leave at the first disagreement or argument?
Devaluation occurs for the reasons set out in the 5 devaluation triggers article, EB, the most common of which is that your fuel is now stale or is not provided in sufficient quantity and/or of sufficient frequency.
I remember that you mentioned that, HG . I will read you article again. Thank you very much.
You are welcome EB.
HG, does a mid ranger know why he switches to devaluation? Does he recognize the change in the way the IPPS is making him feel? I recall you said a mid ranger does not know about the concept of fuel. However, does he realize that the IPPS is no longer making him feel the way she once did and therefore he switches to devaluation?
No. He would not even see it as devaluation either, but rather his appropriate response to your treacherous behaviour.
He recognises a difference in the way he feels, yes.
HG my experience was exactly as you said. When I discovered the Mid Ranger had lied to me about his real name, I took to Google, an act he found ‘treacherous’ indeed. It’s amazing how he managed to shift the argument from his dishonesty to me now ‘invading’ his life, never crossing his mind that someone would want to know who a person is. Hence, my devaluation was not devaluation in his mind, but much deserved punishment.
Thank you for sharing your experience Bibi.
Thanks so much, HG. I appreciate this explanation. It sounds like it all goes back to the toxic logic narcs operate by you wrote about.
“He recognises a difference in the way he feels, yes.”
Yes, nex told me he knows he has a cold heart, but life made him that way and he can’t do a thing about it. It ended years ago but I was optimistic about finding out the truth about him and…here you are-HG Tudor! I knew something was definitely wrong but I couldn’t understand the extent of the damage…until reading your blog.
You are welcome
HG, does it make sense that writing here is (for me) a manifestation of intimacy which I dread to further develop in the form of a consultation?
Regardless of your professionalism and your invaluable help, I do dread the prospect of deepening the interest/obsession with your persona.
The consultation is to provide you with answers, insight and assistance to enable you to make your own progress. It is understandable that you are interested in my persona but the consultation isn’t there to serve that purpose, so you need not dread.
Thank you so much, HG for your response.
Redundant or unnecessary as might be, I would like to take the opportunity to clarify that the dread has to do with my own vulnerabilities (to your kind, to your brilliant mind, and to the Soul Mate delusion), and none to do with your deliverance (of answers and assistance in a respectful, patient most helpful and professional manner).
I appreciate the clarification.
The fear of others seeing you in a vulnerable state of intimacy causes you to play these games. If you can control their intimacy levels then you feel the mastery over your feelings of intimacy. Not allowing intimacy shows your fear of actually feeling. You were not allowed to feel as a child as it was constituted a weakness. Also as a victim of sexual abuse you are conflicted about the intimacy. You set the boundaries now as you were not allowed to have boundaries and your boundaries were violated by sexual abuse. Therefore those feelings were put on lockdown and considered bad. You feel superior to the victim because you are controlling yourself and this helps to keep the facade in place. Meanwhile the victim has issues as well. Their needs of intimacy are not being met, yet some may accept this behavior. They may blame themselves or excuse the behavior. Somewhere in their background there is something that causes them to accept this behavior. If each party actually expressed themselves honestly without fear of exposure, the two could work on the issues together. Sadly it is usually the narcissist that is too afraid of his real self and will not under any circumstances show his vulnerability. The victim wants to help or fix the problem but doesn’t realize that the narcissist already has been shamed into hiding his true self, loathes that vulnerability and never wants to be seen as weak. Nobody wins. Unless of course you think this behavior works for you and it’s fun to torture others and play with their emotions, just because you can.
You are displaying much growth while you’ve been gone. That is a very honest breakdown of the dynamic.
Thank You MLAC. I have been working very hard on myself. This is partially why I have been away. I’m happy to “see” you. How are you faring? Staying out of Narcville? Except Tudor Towers of course!
I had 2 bfs in my university years that I am wondering were narcs, yet the only difference is that I sexually rejected them. I got tired of both of them parading me about as though I were their object, and their abuse was in their demands. Endless demands.
I never felt that ‘longing’ for them as I did for the Mid Ranger or even the intense sexual desire (minus actual sex) for the somatic lesser.
I never found any of them masculine enough to really feel that level of intense attraction, save for the somatic lesser, where nothing happened. I think I am attracted to what doesn’t want me or what I can’t have. Plus, the sex I have had has been very boring.
I am definitely in the minority. It made me question if I was a cerebral narcissist, albeit given my level of hurt felt from said narcissists, indicates this is likely not the case.
I have to laugh a little bit. I recognise me in Nr, 1,3,4,5,6,7 and 10. No wonder, that he said he could not come close to me. There would be a very thick wall and he would find no entrance.
Yes, I am an expert in avoiding and rejecting intimacy especially in public.
Even a friend of him noticed that. She thought, he would have been the one. No, in the golden period I avoided and rejected intimacy.
Kisses, hugs and holding hands in public is not usual in my family.
I did not see the dehumiliating aspect of my behaviour. I only thought it is inapproriate to do all that in public.
That I so real… My narc acts out on 7 out of ten all the time and then still maintain holding hands ( preventive hoover I think) and other intimate touching on 3 of them.
I thought I was the only women that does not get kissed anymore. He kissed me once. It was really amazing. He said he did not kissed his wife for 30 years. I never believed him. Now I do.
I remember once he sat in front of me saying … I can’t … I can’t be intimate with you it is too much. You are too much, demanding too much. I want you too much and then I am drained from all this intimacy.
I do really want to be kissed now.
I can see how in the last devaluation, he has started to take away some of the intimacy he used to allow or from what I read in fact that he was still tolerating.
This article helps me see what might or is probably coming.
Thanks for this HG you have taken away a big ” shame” I was carrying, thinking that I was really too much, that I needed too much etc.
Now I see, like all the rest, it is part of the disorder and the manipulation arsenal.
They are almost autistic, too.
Autistic people can be very affectionate and loving. This is deliberate intermittant reinforcement thru devaluing.
Yep. He said I was “too much” for him. When I first met him he talked sex all the time when we were pretty much still strangers. I thought it strange him being so sexual and he barely knew me. A few months in the closer we got the more the sexual talk started tapering off and then it went to almost nothing. He would often witness men coming on to me and I ask him are you just not attracted to me? He said that’s ridiculous I’ve always told you I find you very attractive, but you could tell something definitely changed and yes he told me he did not like to kiss, hold hands or cuddling of any kind. Pretty much everything on this list
These are so passive aggressive. Then when you confront it they deny and gaslight. Nothings wrong or changed. Ive gotten the peck on the head or cheek and the avoiding holding hands. The sexuality diminishes when im being shelved. Its very patronizing and a complete piss off. I used to get so upset and wonder whats changed? Is he not attracted to me? What did i say or do wrong? Now i know its part of a cycle only to have him all over me and minilovebombing once the shelvings over. Narcs recycle their supply sources to keep things new and fresh. We arent people with feelings were appliances to make them feel good.
Most critical words, “We endure all of this”.
Endure.
I suspect that the somatic narc figured out how to use his perversions and boundaryless sexual energy to draw people in. But in the end, when women find out how horrible he feels to hold, and his underdeveloped anatomy, they leave him. So instead of getting to that point, he shifts into a discard so that instead of feeling the painful rejection of others, he rejects them, turns what was enjoyment into something to endure. He projects his victims own sense of enduring his embrace on to them. Taking what is their endurance, flipping it around to what HE has to endure and choses not to and thus begins the disengagement/discard.
I noticed he would never walk with me. He was always steps ahead or behind me.
All narcissists do this. When they walk next to you is like a special gift to you, reserved for special occasions-and expecting something from you in return, of course.
Yea, there were so many instinctive warning signs, this was just one of many distancing techniques. I learned from him to trust my gut feelings. Don’t doubt myself, run.