Never Again
I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.
52 thoughts on “Never Again”
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to much to bear … 😢
In fact you don’t have to bear it, not forever anyway. It’s not your burden, it’s narc’s…remember it’s just a joke of smoke and mirrors for them, you are far better than this joke!!!
But what you fail to recognize is that some of us were raised by two narcs and after the shattering that we needed by being fully smothered and exposed to one deeply in adulthood is a true metamorphosis
Our never again with you is nothing after what some of us went through as children. Our never again is like shedding fur and setting us free once the spirit returns and the fire of joy sparks again.
Everything we experience is heightened and appreciated at a different level and it tastes sweeeter knowing we drink it down with a precious beauty inside that is so alive that you spent years attempting to extract it
And you failed to reach the real nectar
It is the narc`s illusion, that we do not love again. We will. Why else does he come back and tries to hoover us – benign or malign? He has to make sure that we do not forget him. He does not trust his own destructive work for long. He is the one who fears to be forgotten- it is existential for him to be in the mind of others. That `s all. He has to brag about his power about people. If he has no power, he is lost. Power and control, fury and envy, that is all that he feels. If he looses control, he will be less and less. If you have only a few range of feelings, then you have to take care that they do not vanish. It is his greatest desire to make us think, that we cannot be happy again- We can.
“By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realize is just how many things will never again be the same for you.”
You (narcs) will never be happy without control or for being your true self in front of others. You’ll never see yourself in the mirror knowing that’s exactly the way people see you. You’ll never have the ability to get 100% honest to yourselves. You’ll never be able to relax and let go 100%. Not a damn moment of your lives. You are slaves, not masters! Slaves to your own wants and needs. And you’ll never get enough to really sleep well. You’ll always have to plan and plan again if the first plan doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to.
Yes, we cry, but for us that’s a way to bring it all out, learn and erase it.
It takes time to get over you, but we have the ability to learn and inherently change for the better and the good part is we are not expecting Prince Charming anymore and we give a chance to those family men, not so “special” as you physically or highly achieving, but special because they raise families, they know what responsibility means.
I told two narcs they won’t be happy, they’ll never find The One and they’ll never hold the world in their hands and they perceived that as my curse (LOL, as if I had that power!).
No, that is their reality= logic + facts!
And maybe this is just a projection. I have said never again and he comes back sometimes to test my availability to be abused just a little bit more. You need us more than we need you because we are filled inside anyway. You are not and you would want us to feel your emptiness. It’s your emptiness anyway, it’s your desire to be filled with people who are able to do so. Even if you don’t eant to see it, you are the true dependant. The rest is just a joke of smoke and mirrors.
Scammers, smoke and mirrors- like the Wizard of Oz-once you’ve seen the truth the aura is gone.
As soon as you know that he was and will continue to be a scammer, it is over. At that crossroad, the only thing that may be missed is the person you thought the narc was. This can be soon after the split or it can take until some time later. Concerning the new target, there might be some difficultly if together you cooperated to build financial security and someone new reaps rewards without any work. With my ex, it is a May Dec situation with a huge gap(odd sight), so it is apparent that she is in a pay to play situation. She could give up, escape and then he will sing, “Ruby, don’t take you love….” or she could be his nursemaid. She is not with him for love either, so the match might work stick, but it wouldn’t be my kind of life. She won’t have a normal life in any way and she has chosen to forgo much better experiences for some of the old age cash security. Either way, I am only a witness now and he can never have true intimacy with anyone. If he shared his true history, no one would stay to chance their own damage. He might try to convince himself that I want him, but this is his fantasy only. Observation, he has already started some type of dementia. The new partner could or may stay or escape. The whole situation is for me just a curiosity which I keep my distance. I am lucky that I am not going to be the total caretaker of a man, who is unable to love. Thank God that this was and is not a “pick me” fight and that my enlightenment was swift as the true facts unraveled.
One is either a nurse or a purse when it comes to these ego maniacs. Ur replacement may be a narc herself. Perfect couple.
I like that saying anonymous! I was the nurse.
Anonymous so true! I was the purse, my successor the nurse. Love it!
Sad but true. Amazing how they mesmerized us under their spell of destruction 😕
The devil is cunning, calculating, patient.
This is exactly how I felt when my nex finally showed his new IPPS last month on Valentines.
( I’ve seen a happy pictures with her arms wrapped around him). It hurts.
Ok you know he did that on purpose to cause you pain. Just as the sight of you once caused another’s pain. It’s hard not to take it personally cause it seems very personal but it isn’t. Everyone suffers the same fate everyone. She will too whether it’s 6 months or 6 years. The end always comes. I have now had two of these individuals in my life not back to back but over many years and although they were quite different one a mid ranger and one a lesser and in one case I was the ipps and the other candidate ipss, the way things played out remarkably the same.
Rinse and repeat. She will not be the magic answer for him. No one is. Ever. I assure you. I have watched this scenario play out over 20 years with narc 1 over and over
Thank you Lori. You’re right about what you said and I keep reminding this to myself every time the little voice inside haunts me telling me that I wasn’t good enough and that he treats her better.
Lori…once I realised he was a Narc, I thought the same thing too…I imagined myself a link in a very long chain…I know who the next link after me was obviously, and I often speculated who was before me, which woman was watching on with pained eyes. And who was before her. And so on. In the early days I used to trawl through his female FB friends and there would “tells” on some of their pages – quotes about pain, getting over someone, etc, and I strongly suspected they had also been links in the chain. I could see it because I knew what to look for, and it used to make me sad, for them and for me. I used to wonder how many of them had worked it out and were watching me too.
Abrokenwing
The answer lies in your not feeling good enough. This is why he chose you. He saw this in you. Oh he knew you were more than good enough but he also knew that you didn’t believe you were and he knew you’d keep trying. That is precisely why he chose you.
Despite being considered a fairly attractive woman, I never felt good enough and that is exactly why I have attracted to narcissists in my life.
Change the tape in your head from I’m not good enough to I am good enough I always was and I always will be. This take conscious effort becsuse I’m not good enough is buried in your subconscious. You have to actively change this. I’m still working on this. You have to make that change or another narcissus will come your way
Blackunicorn123
It’s one big watch fest. Everyone’s watching everyone. You watch the Narc. They watch yoiu. You watch the new supply they watch. It’s constant observation 24/7 and guess who is at the center of all their watching. You guessed it. Cause it’s always about him 24/7 which is the entire goal to have everyone watching everything about him. It’s all about him being the star of the show that everyone is watching. You see if you are constantly focused on them what they are or stench doing or which woman they may or may not be seeing it’s still all about them and they control your thoughts so there is little time for anything or anyone else
A narc will never choose a woman “not good enough” are you kidding me ? They think they deserve the very best. Who they choose is someone who “thinks” they aren’t good enough. That is a key distinction
Lori,
“A narc will never choose a woman “not good enough” are you kidding me ? They think they deserve the very best. Who they choose is someone who “thinks” they aren’t good enough. That is a key distinction”
I agree with you 100%.
Their idea of best may be different from ours, too. But they still want only the best. And it is soooo much easier on them to wrangle that supply, when the victim has no idea of their worth.
We’re not real people to then, they’re handicapped. We get addicted because we want to wrestle our self-esteem wounding back from them. In my case, i want the abusive parent to suddenly love me, it’s subconscious feelings i can’t control and which usually passify me, which the narc triggers and brings to life, making me feel alive. I’ve learned to separate action from emotion, but the feelings are hellish.
Then again, the feelings are brought to the surface where i can examine them. That’s when i can use the narc to mirror my subconscious, but then i also have to separate aka stop projecting onto them, even though they ‘invite’ me to, in order to really take control of my own willpower. Hopefully i don’t need any more rounds, but i feel like i’m part-way between rookie and veteran.
The bottom line is, these are predatorial human dynamics and we have to realise our agency in order to gain control over our emotional impulses, or else we freeze up. That also includes recognising that part of our attraction to them is that they’re ‘broken’ and we misidentify that with our vulnerability. But not for us to fix, etc. We can’t become strong vicariously through others’ strengths or weaknesses. Survival is tough, that’s life.
So true roll!
Abrokenwing,
Soon enough you’ll feel sorry for her and the ones that will follow her because you’ll realize he treats every single person the same as he treated you. You’ll be glad it isn’t you anymore. Real love is out there, I promise. 🤗
Of course we can realise it . Many thanks to you HG…
In fact what is a pity is that narcissists seem not to see how all this is counterproductive. I was engaged with narcissists “lovingly” and friendly. And I realized that what I like about them is the carelessness, what I like are the nights of celebration, the exchanges, the deliriums in the mode “we do what we want and we do not care” So light and fun ! Although there are also more profound moments of support and sharing.
Free, without attachment, without obligation towards each other ? I think here is my mistake. Because always comes a time when for narcissists it is not enough, where comes the need for control. And they ruin everything, they force me to distance myself. While I would always be there for them, for fun as for support.
I feel that they are provoking what they fear most: rejection.
Something I wonder… how is their intensity so powerful for some of us, but to others, it seems not at all? I mean, I used to see how people love his spirit, his wildness, his playful ways, but why are they never damaged by those same qualities? I am not talking about their relationships which have become sexualized, but those that manage to remain friends? How do narcs not cross the sexual boundaries with them? Is it because they have crossed it with us, that the most damage occurs? How are they able to have boudnaries with other females but then just smash them to smithereens with us?
It is sort of another shade of ‘why does he treat her better’ but not really as I am talking about suppoly that is not romantic. Are there people who see narcs for who they are and are really completely immune to everything such that they can be their friends?
I used to beat myself up that my standards for good behavior and a moral life were too high. I tried to ‘relax’. “Chill” as he used to tell me. But how could I? Chill meant accept his rules, his game, his total lack of responsibility and accountability. It was to accept the evil. Why would I ever do that? And then when I saw other women, ex girlfriedns, still remain in his orbit, I wondered, how the hell are they pulling it off?
Or, am I really not getting how non empathic so many people really are? Are people so in their own world they enver really care what these people are about? It just doens’t register? They have fun, take them as is and then whatever, go on about their lives? He once told me that, that I could not accept him as he was. Well, why should I? Accept what he did? Accepting someone is not the same as accepting horrible behavior and words. One more of his games is all it was, but its made me wonder.
ARE people more accepting of narcs?
HG? Are you able to have fuel sources that remain non-sexual but have that level of intensity? What makes thosre types of supply REMAIN non-sexual? what is it about them thats different than us? I know what you have writen about us, so not asking about our qualities, but what makes it so you know that some of your female fuel sources will be just a ‘fun friend and never will go beyond? Are they really just the complete opposite to us, and that is what keeps them in that zone?
Do some people know instinctively the limits of what a narc can offer and just accept that? They know there will never and can never be more and they are ok?
It was that double whammy of hurt, not that you see the narc off with some other female romantically, but they seemed to have ‘good’ friendships with females. Though I was told, they are all just party friends. Since I am not in the party world, I don’t understand the code that governs ‘party social relationships’. Because my life is one of desperately searching for authenticity (thank you narc mother), I can’t understand the world from the complete opposite experience. The girl that stays out all night with him, who is just his friend, drinks, looks for food, has a good time, was exposed to him in a way I never, ever got as he dove so fast in to his denigrations and discard with me. So how are they able to sustain exposure to all the things that are so evil? He must have just let it all out with me, because I can’t even imagine how anyone could go through that look and face and survive as friends.
That’s what scares me. I’m in a much calmer place now, but the never again referring to me and my future is somewhat frightening. Will I never trust that deeply ever again? Will I not love that intensely again?
Catherine
You will love like that again but maybe not quite to that intensity because that wasn’t normal. If you look back you will probably remember a time where you thought this doesn’t seem completely normal. The intensity of these relationships isn’t normal. These people become the center of our world where we can think of nothing else and no one else. Not normal. Normal will seem boring for awhile but appreciate every moment of normal whether it’s just watching tv or chatting with a friend. Normal is good.
Thanks Lori, you’re right. I don’t know how to do normal in a relationship right now, but I don’t need to have a new man in my life either. I’ll meet him when I’m ready; for now I’m enjoying some alone time, going to the gym in the evenings, skipping dinner when I feel like it sometimes, watching too many series on Netflix and trying to take care of myself. It’s quite peaceful. I hope you’re having a peaceful time too.
I cannot stress to you enough how important the gym is for you right now. it will help you release all of the pent up anxiety. Having been through this a couple times, this is key and I can’t stress it a emough.
Hard exercise will really help you release anger amd give you a sense of control at a time when you feel like you have none. Trust me continue the exercise
Posts like this show that anyone trying to ascribe some saviour role to HG had better watch out – for he will not lead you out of the darkness by your hand with love, he will illuminate your world like Lucifer and tempt you at every step! Nicely done HG, if there is one shred of pining left in us, your writing will prod it into a blaze and keep torturing us until we finally get it.
I have often felt even at the beginning of my relationship with the narc that I was opening Pandora’s box and that there was no going back. I have mourned my lost innocence, but there is no going back now. Knowledge has its price.
I have sought a teacher in my narc, who would destroy my worldview and give me another. And he did – I chose well. In shamanic initiations, the candidate is often submitted to a psychic experience of being broken, dissected, torn into pieces by a beast, and then stiched back together, sometimes with parts from spirit animals to enhance their strength. That is how they come into power and can start learning how to navigate the world beyond.
I may have gone completely off kilter, but I have received just what I needed from the narc and I no longer need him, as he serves no purpose in my life anymore. Needless to say I no longer want him, he has proved to be deficient. Instead of stitching me back up, he continued to play with the remains. It took my own willpower, and the help of others (HG too! thank you) to start piecing me back together.
Some things are definitely true about the never agains, but it’s certainly nothing to mourn. Rather I find that the inessential and potentially harmful has been burned away. I know where I stand and what kind of love I want in my life. I can exercise control over my feelings without repressing them. I can still love if I choose. I win.
Very well said. Thank you.
Love this. So true. Thank you.
Knowledge is also power.
Catherine,
I learned I trusted before I was given a reason to trust. I realized that I ignored red flags and gave him (and others) the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be loved so much I ignored what he was showing me and I painted him as the person I wanted him to be. His words didn’t match his actions.
Maybe you weren’t like me and were skeptical out if the gate. Hopefully you’ll trust and love deeper than before because you’ll see what the real thing feels like. I believe that can happen.
Well that’s a pretty dismal damn fate for us all HG. I thought you taught us better than that.
I agree. Reading the article was like being revictimized and has left me feeling helpless and hopeless. And this is to be the remainder of my life???
Not if you continue to read my other work and apply it. Articles such as these are designed to shatter any illusions people have (and some people need a severe jolt to the system to enable them to do this).
Omg this is written just as I feel…and even though I want him back so bad…i know I just can’t do it because I don’t trust him. I hate him but I love him but I hate him even more for hurting me by cheating on me. Then I let him back in and when I told him no when he told me I was to help him get a truck, he went back to the girl he cheated on me with and has made sure I seen pics of them. His whole family is evil as well. I hate all of them. And his new gf, I have tried to warn…but she won’t believe me over him. I’ve even sent her PROOF and she is so brainwashed by his lies and scams that she truly believes I made fake texts…ive even given her my address and told her to come over and catch him at my house and instead of doing so, she messages him and tells him. I even asked him in front of her who he loved more, me or her and he refused to answer. Then she tried to fight me!?! Now she’s to the point where she’s going to get a restraining order on me if I message her again. So now I’m to the point where I’m like Eff her, let her figure it out on her own. To this very second, he’s still messaging me telling me what to do;send pics, be nice, if you do as I say, we will be together again, forever. But I’m not falling for it. I refuse to give in, even though it makes me sick that he’s with her and not me. But I truly know he’s only with her to hurt me, and he truly thinks I’m willing to do anything for him to be with him again. But I’m not. I have wasted 3 years, a car, a house, and $10,000 on him. F him and her. He also suckered her outta a Truck, and now he’s about to sucker her into buying them a house. She fell hard for him, just as I did. But I wasn’t warned….i only hope she realizes it and at least apologizes to me for not listening and trying to warn her….some day….soon.. I wish Someone else would tell her that all my proof and words are true, but I’m out of options. I give up…
Don’t give up. The MeToo Movement has started. We all deserve justice. I was not warned and people knew. Yesterday someone asked me, d isn’t you know he was a sociopath? We all thought you knew.
Sometimes surrender is the best recourse. I wanted to become the town crier and shout from the mountain top but no one seems to care. I want my story known so I write it here. I was sexually assaulted. I trusted him never to hurt me. Especially not like that hateful, demeaning, cruel, physically and emotional way. It was calculated, planned and I was vulnerable like a child but cornered. Nowhere to go. If I screamed no one would hear me. Now that it’s been 2 months since the assault, I can start to see how it’s changed me. I’m thawing out from the numbness. I want revenge but the repercussions would be too great. Accept that I cannot change what happened is my mantra today.
😢
“Never again” was said by me so many times. Maybe I said it to convince myself that I was ending the hurt.
His love wasn’t ever amazing or scintillating even at his best. The last time we kissed, I felt nothing. There was a time I believed there’d always be sparks flying.
I continued to see him long after I found this blog. I have had HG’s books to keep referencing. I’d compare the behaviors and patterns and they’d all match.
Maybe I stopped feeling anything because I finally accepted who I was really kissing. Thank god (and HG) it finally sunk in.
You don’t feel anything partly cause they stole all of your emotions and partly because after you suffer enough pain you go numb and partly because you cant extract anything from them either. In theory you should be able to because they have stolen all your emotions but nope they are leaky gas tanks and you have to keep filling them up until eventually you have nothing left to give.
Lori, awesome xplanation. Thank you!
“So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.”
Interestingly, I’ve been reflecting lately that I’m now feeling happier without him. Right, things will never again be the same for me: they will be a whole lot better. 🙂
I’ve arrived at this point after a long process of inner work, grieving and acceptance of who he is, and of re-valuing myself, my talents, and my own purpose in life.
Thank you again for your help in this process, HG.
Never again. I feel grief this morning. The never agains . . . The ones that were listed. OMG, why did I meet that arsehole and further, why did I allow myself to be seduced? I am not able to think straight (logically) this morning. My emotions r coming to the surface. Im falling to pieces. I hate him. Hate is not a familiar emotion for me. I’m supposed to be filmed . . . the makeup artist has her work cutout for her . . . my eyes r swollen shut from tears. Where’s my face? Where’s my confidence? Where’s my moxie? My charisma . . . MY SMILE? Where am I? . . . never again will I trust, love, listen to Mozart, when am I going to get angry? Am I angry? Despair. Am I a victim now? I know there are more important things in the world . . . a lot if pain in the world. But it’s all relative.
I can’t even wish ill on my ex. I’m defeated.
And HG, narcs cannot ‘see’ or feel remorse about what they’ve done? Unimaginable to me.
Soon, I won’t be on this site. I have to put it in the past or my life, goals, dreams, aspirations are over. All I am today is a pile of self pity.
Thank you for sharing, Linda. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I too went through similar emotional turmoil so I can understand how you’re feeling. But please hang in there. I can assure you it will pass. What’s more, once you find yourself on solid ground again you will find yourself in much better shape than you were before, much more confident and mindful of your self-worth. In that sense, I regard my dreadful experience with the narcissist I got entangled with as a wakeup call to value my own self care and self respect, as well as honor and take seriously my own dreams and goals.
I recommend HG’s book: Exorcism: How to purge the narcissist from heart and soul.
I also recommend Meredith Miller’s work. You can find her on YouTube as Inner Integration. On her website, she offers a 12 week healing course that I found helpful. It’s called SANA series. If the cost is an issue you can write to her and she’ll let you take it for free or give you a discount.
I found HG’s work through Meredith’s recommendation.
As HG mentions in Exorcism, the main thing is to start focusing on you*, what you value, what gives you joy, and that you stop thinking about the narcissist.
You need to rebuild your self-trust and self-worth by taking steps in your self-care.
You can do it and the work required to move forward is totally worth it. I send you much love and healing wishes.
Linda Smith,
Staying here and reading his books and posts will open your eyes to a lot of the dynamics that draw us in to relationships with narcissists. You’ll recognize red flags. You’ll feel empowered to choose a different path. You won’t be as vulnerable to further abuse because you won’t be as idealistic. Keep your dreams, goals, and aspirations because you deserve them. Be clear about the type of people you want to share them with. 🤗
Where did you start your healing process?
Linda Smith,
I don’t know who you’re asking, yet I thought I’d share my experience.
I started therapy. I shared with my therapist what I was learning from this blog.
I started journaling. I kept track of my moods and behaviors when he was around and when he wasn’t.
I had email consultations and audio consultations with HG. I have read and re-read his books.
I started working the 12 steps. I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol, yet the dynamic is the same.
I started learning about myself; my boundaries,my values, my strengths.
I started looking into how to respond to narcissistic people. I recognize now that I’ve been surrounded by them in other facets of my life.
I’ve been going through this healing process for far longer than I imagined. Staying away from him has been the best thing I’ve done.
Best wishes. 🤗
Linda,
I replied but my comment is awaiting moderation, probably because it’s considered long.
It will be posted eventually.