Poll : Infidelity By The Narcissist
Infidelity.
It is extremely rare if this does not happen when you have a romantic entanglement with a narcissist.
For most people, it is the physical/sexual act of infidelity which troubles them the most, but infidelity may also appear in a financial sense (spending money on someone else the narcissist is romantically entangled with, using that money for someone else without the victim’s agreement or consent), emotionally (where the narcissist ‘confides’ in another about how he or she feels, or provides that person with apparent support but does not do so for their partner, spending extensive amounts of time with someone else and not their partner) or intellectually (engaging in various pursuits and interests with another person, but not their partner and which troubles that partner).
Such acts are often suspected and sometimes known about. The narcissist may be bold in his acts of infidelity, uncaring that he is spotted and may even boast about them to the victim. Sometimes, eager to maintain the facade of respectability, the narcissist engages in repeated affairs and trysts but do so secretly and discretely leaving the victim totally unaware or just with the whiff of suspicion. Occasionally, driven by the acts of infidelity of the narcissist the victim may find comfort in the arms and mind of another – usually another narcissist, but that is a different matter.
Whichever situations are or were applicable to you, you may select as many as are relevant before casting your vote and do expand on your experiences and thoughts in the comment section.
Thank you for participating.
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One ex of mine cheated multiple times – and tried to with my mother. He flat out denied that one and accused my of lying. Used his work phone to have women call him that he met online. Didn’t come clean until I put a computer program that ran silently in the background that logged every keystroke and took computer screen shots every 15 seconds. Then all of a sudden “he has a problem and needs help” plleeasseeee
The other one was an abusive narcissist always in search of something better. I was too fat, he wouldn’t have to hit me if I didn’t piss him off, I didn’t do enough for him. After the third time of cheating he finally threw me out of the house with my daughter and moved the new one in. Jokes on him; he’s been miserable for the past ten years.
When anyone asks about 50 Shades:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLqDDFFFjY4
well, i think it’s funny
Mine cheated on me with a best friend. I am certain there were others. I dumped him after two kids and 12 years. I just couldn’t take the loniness and had to move on to save myself before it was too late. Something was NOT right about our relationship even though it seemed great from the outside. After breaking up with him for like 6 months every day, he was raging and going crazy, mask off. I didn’t have a clue he was a narc. He invited friends over from out of town because he needed support. I walked in on him having sex with our best friend at 2AM in morning. I had just stood up in her wedding months earlier. They didn’t see me.
I always knew I should be weary of this women. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong but that night, everything fell into place. I have to say, I was just happy it wasn’t me – sleeping with him. So gross. I just saw him for what he was. It was like a huge, disgusting gift! At first he said he liked that this infidelity made me sad and said she made him feel sexy. She was like 250 pounds of slop that slept with anything. He then tried to minimize the situation any which way he could. He is now with a woman who was married to a child rapist who was walked out of his school he taught in cuffs about 5 years back. Poor thing- I am trying to ignore him so he focuses on her more and more every day.
Hi sisi,
Thank you for your reply. I have a feeling he must have been sleeping with them while he was dating you too, not just in the past. I’m so sorry.
I was curious because the narc i was entangled with had many ‘just friends’ and while i believed that he did not have sex with them, i always wondered if they engaged intimately without sex. He said they did not, but i had my doubts. After my escape, i found out that he was lying about everything. He was having sex with multiple others.
The first person that I spoke of is an ex. I re-read what I wrote and thought it might sound like he lives with me currently and this is not the case because I choose not to date right now.
I had one who was a religious, deeply religious person… (Until know I doubt if I can call him a Narcissist, because of his dedication to his faith and religious community, I call him just manipulative…) We never had sex, he agreed with my values, so there was no sexual infidelity….
Nevertheless, he was always interested to chat with his ex who had real high IQ, then another ex who was into arts and fashion, then another ex who was in need of emotional support…. and all of them were called friends who just add value to his life. Now I know what kind of value would be that – fuel. So he chose emotional and inteleactual ways to connect with other Girls. I knew about it, thought with time such friends would fade away as we get more serious (of course it never happened). Then he would befriend new people, whom he informed that he has a girlfriend, but would not mind to watch a movie just two of them at home….
I write this and it sounds just insane, how could I ever have tolerated this behaviour of a person I thought to get married with…
Hi sisi,
Did he tell you those girls were his ex’s or did you not know at the time? Did he never try to be intimate with you – touch, hug, kiss, putting his arm around you?
He first brought their names up as of close and dear friends, later he told that he has slept with one of them (because we knew that soon I am gonna meet her at my new work place). Later I started asking if he has slept with other of his so called friends, and yes, he admittd that all those best friends at some point were intimate partners. Since then I was never at peace with this idea, but he tried to rationalise and blame me of incredible isecurities that I am jelous that he keeps in touch with them rather FREQUENTLY.
On our side yes,hugs and kisses were never off the limits.
Hey, Jenna~Thank you for your very thoughtful reply to me, above. I just now saw it. I don’t seem to get notifications on some old threads.
In any case, thank you so much for your support! So blessed to read your comments, whenever I come across them… you have a lot to offer others, with all you have gone through too. XOXO (my cute emojis never show up on here… so very sad).
I’m ditching “The King” again. NC Day 7. Ahhh…so very peaceful (insert sound of birds chirping). There is no doubt in my mind that he’ll show up in person later again down the road, but I’m done worrying about it. (Bring it!) <lol When I tap into my Logic, I'm so calm. When I don't, I'm a guilt-ridden hot mess.
Rock on, Jenna Girl. 🙂
Sorry. Marking… again.*_*
Another interesting and informative poll HG . Thank you for all you do
As the DLS are you really cheated on ? Because he’s cheating with you anyway …. And the saying goes if he cheats with you he will chest on you … And I think that is a fact …. I saw him on his phone several times talking and it looked like he was too engaged and then I saw him going into a restaurant together … I commented later on who he was with about her butt being big and got that’s how I like them …. And yet the next day she was just a friend….so am guessing he was … hurt terribly at the time …but now sometimes see what did I really expect. ..
I voted wrong and cant go back 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
I am sure that sums the feeling up about our kind by many people Nikita.
Just one example…. He told me blow jobs weren’t cheating… Good to know. So if I blow someone I am not cheating correct? Yeah. Suddenly he had to rethink his definition.
He shared anything intimate with others as long as it could devastate me. It was awesome feeling insecure all the time… NOT.
I’m so happy I am gone.
I’m happy for you that your out of it, too. Was he acquainted with Bill Clinton? Blow jobs are not cheating??? He tried to get you to buy that???? Great response to him. My ex would have asked if he could watch. Best of life to you.
My ex narc attempted sexual infidelity but was unsuccessful in achieving it and so it was more emotional. It wasn’t for lack of trying though. He joined several dating websites behind my back and a website designed to seek Muslim marriage too. He felt he needed a Muslim woman to keep him steadfast in his religion (which he himself could not follow) and discarded me when Inrefused to convert. I did not realise the fuel that was provided by my response to discovering his behaviour. He left after he could see a prospective Islamic marriage on the horizon. There wiuldn’t Have been sex before marriage in that case. He wouldn’t have wanted to spoil it in that way. The other websites would have been for easier access to sex.
My narc was Muslim too he never insisted I convert but he wanted me to behave like I was Muslim without actually being one lol
I chose several for several people. I suspected my Mid-Ranger live-in of fooling around with a neighbor while I was still living a coast away, but have no proof.
I know of repeated acts with one person by my first live-in (Lesser?). He said she sat on his lap and told him that she wanted to f*** him, so what was he supposed to do? I told him that he was supposed to have thrown her on the floor and told her, “I’m with Kate.”
I know of just one act of sexual infidelity by my high school bf with my best friend. I responded in kind with a guy who I had a huge crush on when he and I found ourselves alone – more than once.
I do not believe that there was any infidelity of any kind by my ex-husband and I am unsure if he is a Narcissist, but for a solid six years we were together constantly. If he wasn’t working, he was with me and only me. We preferred it that way. We rarely socialized with other people and kept each other on a long leash, never telling one another where to go, what to do or who to talk to.
Unfortunately, the devil appeared to me in the form of a dark-eyed, dark-haired, big-nosed, over-the-top phony nice guy Mid-Ranger, saying all kinds of tricky things. He planted a seed of doubt which he cultivated every time that he saw me, posing as a concerned friend. I should not have ever allowed any man of any sort to even look in my direction and this is the biggest regret of my life.
There was no infidelity, and I am not being naïve — I *know* it is quite rare. I’m positive about this, for many substantiated reasons. It is also one of the reasons why I stayed with him so long, because he *was* faithful, and (trust me) he had numerous opportunities to cheat. This is not to say he wasn’t a flirt — he certainly was at times — but he was the kind of flirt that was a tease. He was even careful about his flirting, in that he kept it tame. I believe there were numerous reasons why he didn’t cheat on me:
-He was raised in a very strict, religious home, and though he was conflicted on many aspects in regard to religion, he was *not* conflicted on the aspect of being with one woman only and committed, in this manner. So it’s like he considered it beneath him to cheat.
-He has that sexy aura thing that attracts women (and he’s handsome)… so, like I said, he seemed to enjoy lightly flirting for fuel sometimes, but if a woman ever crossed the line and got aggressive with him/”too interested” in him, it actually irritated him. I heard countless stories about this while I was away at college, from many (and he even let me know himself)… so it’s almost like he occasionally set women up to hit on him — then rejected them: more fuel. Then he’d tell me: more fuel (I was even *more* smitten with him).
-He knew that if he ever cheated on me, it was totally over. No question about it. No second chance. I don’t get jealous — I get gone. It’s just my nature. Cheating would make me lose all interest or desire in any man, no matter how much I loved him. I was a lot of fuel for him in other ways (and he got lots of attention and recognition for his professional accomplishment, etc), so I think that how I was as a person just solidified his position on this matter. But it was greatly surprise me if he was unfaithful in this regard – in any relationship he has ever had. I do not believe he ever would be. He’d end the relationship he was in first.
Bottom line: He got his fuel in other ways. He saw no need to screw up his good fuel, and he is truly the type to be attracted to women who are much more innocent/angelic-like.
Mine never had sex with other woman he’s a devout Muslim and its illegal to have sex or even converse with woman your not related to or married to in his country so he created another online persona who’s not Muslim but British and proceeded to.indulge that way
Hi caroline,
“He got his fuel in other ways…”
May i ask how? Through hurting, gaslighting, blame shifting, deflecting, etc? If there was no cheating, what would he blame shift for? Can you provide me with an example? I ask because the mmrn i was entangled with always blame shifted, projected, denied, deflected, gaslighted, future faked, silenced ultimately due to hiding all the women (now that i reflect).
Hi, Jenna~
You mean in regard to other women? He’d blame-shift onto them, in that he’d lightly flirt — then slam them down (figuratively, not literally) if they started hitting on him. Then he’d lap up all my kissy/kissy stuff for being such a faithful boyfriend. Yes, I believe he was faithful — but this setting up/denying other women in a mean-spirited way and then soaking up my affection (ugh) is but one small example of how he had his own little system in place, in terms of feeling powerful/fueling himself. He also, for awhile, did weird little things to try to MAKE me jealous (ironic), but he gave that up when I didn’t react. He was VERY self-controlled about everything though. I can see how he worked things now… but THEN, I felt increasingly confused and suffocated and unnerved. Even though he never yelled at me or said anything blatantly derogatory toward me, I had some fear of him. I could feel his heated fury at times. When he was feeling fury (usually his jealousy, or my not paying “enough” attention to him/arriving late to see him), he could do the unexpected — like terrorize me on a motorcycle — but he always maintained being calm, cool and collected… it was a bone-chilling feeling at those times, and not at all fun.
I’m sorry, Jenna…I replied back to this, but it’s disappeared. I’m having a whole bunch of techie problems. I thought I fixed it, but… sadly, no. It seems I can only post when HG is actively on the site, and I’ve lost my ability to subscribe to threads/get notifications. HG is aware of this, and I’m calling on my own personal Geek Squad (friend) later tonight, to see if he can sort this mess! I hope to return to answer your comment later.
In the meantime, I’ll have to follow HG around, if I want to post at all. Who’s the stalker NOW?? Lol
Hi caroline,
That’s not a problem.
There seems to be a minority of narcs who don’t cheat because they are cerebral, lazy (don’t have the much needed energy to seduce), or for other reasons. Windstorm’s husband is a good example. I just wonder how such narcs gain their fuel. I know windstorm’s husband did not like it if she cried, nor did he like it if she became sick i believe. But these issues can sometimes be dismissed as ‘he’s just insensitive in these areas.’ I think it would take a long time for a partner to realize the person is a narc without cheating behavior. That is why i am curious as to how you realized he is a narc. Hope to hear from you soon.
Depends what you mean by “cheat”.
Fingers crossed…I replied back to Jenna again (it’s longer than this, so it will likely be in moderation for a bit).
To the “gods-of-all-things-techie,” please post!;-)
Hello, Jenna! There you are… or, rather, here I am — I’m back to receiving my notifications.:-)
Well, it’s probably a good thing my lengthy (original) reply didn’t post, as I didn’t realize what you were asking! So I was off on another trail.
“My” (<hate using that word) narcissist was an Elite… and seems pretty clear now that he's a Greater, although I still battle that in my head, feeling he *could* be an UMRer…but this second time around with him, he's showing many more signs that he's a Greater.
And I did NOT know he was a narcissist when I was in the Formal Relationship. I increasingly knew he was a major "control freak," and I escaped after 3 years with him. I was 19 at the onset of the relationship, and he is significantly older than I am…I hate to sound like an innocent little lamb, but..I had serious boyfriends before him, but, well…I was a V, before the narcissist. That may explain some, about how he kept emotional control over me for so long. He used a lot of scare tactics with me as well… like if you go back to HG's last run of "The Car," that is a pretty good example — things along those lines.
Hi hg,
Cheat would mean sex but i also would include touching, holding hands, hugging, sitting close on an ongoing basis if sex did not take place.
Hi caroline,
I do remember the car example. When i read it I used to feel lucky that I never went through that. I can only imagine what else he subjected you to. I’m so sorry.
I am glad you are here with us trying to overcome all that we’ve had to deal with. Stay strong! We got this! 💕
I was entangled for almost six years, and he was cheating on me with several other women all the way. At first his former gf, and then one at a party, and the others through Facebook, tinder and other dating apps. He once admitted that he was a hunter, and he like to see if he can «have her».
He got away with it because he had decided that) we were not a couple, but ‘very close friends who had sex and spent a lot of time together, when it suiten him. He blamed me for loving him too much, how he would like me more if I said no from time to time, I was all over him and that was a turn off, and that was the root to the problem.
He had promised me exclusivity regarding sex, and to be honest and be open if something happened, but he never once did that. and his excuse every time was; ‘you would just get hysterical and I can not deal with that’.
He saved up all his money and paid for a boob job for another women while eating my food and spending my money. He said that she had told him not to tell anybody about it, so that was why he had lied to me.
He had several girl friends who he stood up for, on new years eve 2016 I wanted to come over, but he had a woman visiting who he claimed to have helped out of an abusive relationship. He refused to tell me who it was, because she had told him not to tell anybody.
I found myself explaining the basics of trust and loyalty over and over again, but it was useless.
Ugotit – I think you have hit a nail on the head:
“I could be an 18 year old supermodel and billionaire the words best cook and best fuck but I can never give him that feeling he gets from seducing a new source it hurts so much less now that this reality has hit me he’s like a vampire that needs new blood”
If you wanted to feel “fresh” again to him, or if any Empath wanted this with their narc – not going to happen…unless they offer up the negative fuel…or there is always feeling “fresh” to new narc I suppose…but not many willing want that.
Thank-you for your words; they put some things in perspective for me.
Hot damn! 9 million!
Threesome fantasies, bragging about how many women ‘pussy’ he had, leaving condoms lying around, although he insisted on not using them with me (stupid, i know). I never asked for commitment from him and never agreed to it on my part, but he wanted to make an issue of it, saying he “couldn’t be monogamous” even if i was rejecting him over other behaviours like callousness or grandiosity, even if i was trying to escape a situational trap.
I had a somatic lesser tell me that he was incapable of commitment. And in my naiveté, thought I would be the lone exception. Boy, was I wrong.
HG, an article idea–how we always think we will be the one exception. It’s our ego an arrogance and hopefulness that gets in the way.
“He won’t cheat on me…
because I suck his dick regularly…”
Pardon my vulgarity.
Hey, that rhymed.
Noted, naturally a manifestation of emotional thinking, I have made a note.
Bibi
I almost spit my drink out on that one. Yet it is true, ego tells us we are the one to “change” another…. freaking lier that it is, only one person one can change…themselves, and then that can and is the hardest thing to do.
My question is to someone
“What have you changed about yourself and I am not talking your hair colour or nail colour?”
Bibi,
I do like your rhyme!
The first time I encountered that idea, NarcAngel had pointed it out to someone. My immediate reaction was “What ego? Mine’s been shredded,”
The more I thought about it, the more sense it made.
“He says he loves me better than her.” “He says I am (forgiving,reasonable, strong,..you fill in the blank) so I must (save him, save the relationship…Again, fill in the blank).”
Once the relationship with the N has “shredded” your ego, they feed these shreds back to you. It gives false hope, and distracts you from their culpability. I’m sure there’s more to it, though.
I would like to see HG’s take on this, too.
These narcissistic traits will be identified and manipulated by emotional thinking. If you have significant pride, ET will make you react to comments such as “She is better than you” or “She loves me more than you ever did.” Or cause you to wonder whether that is the case and waste your time trying to find out.
I met the greater 2 decades ago. Knew he was married but was pursued until I gave in.. He then cheated on me, the mistress, but that was ‘my fault’ for not going to the Xmas party with him. He then vanished. Ran into him 10 years later, now on wife 2. Admitted to infidelity. The spark was still there and again off we go.. My husband left me…narc vanished again.. Reappeared to confess undying love, promised the marriage was a sham, wait until the child is 18, wait wait wait promise promise, bond, connection, true love, unearthly connection etc. When wife left, he began sleeping with someone else and I was left in the dust, again, met me for coffee to explain it was now going to be all about c dating, did I want to join in… My hearts breaking as this guy is meant to be the love of my life. . It never ends… None of it is real…. They hurt you even time you are near them or their mouths open. And after All that, went back to the wife and is still there… And promised just like week on a text.. “just wait til our kids are all grown up.. Then it’s out time just you and me….” entangled for life…
I guess I’m the odd one out here. I do not no of any sexual infidelity and it used to bother me in the beginning when I found HG that it seems like more or less all narcissists are unfaithful and I couldn’t pinpoint that mine was. Maybe he’s not a narcissist after all? was a thought that used to repeat itself constantly then. But now I realise he probably was seeing others; he just never let me know of it. He had ample opportunity since we lived apart even though we spent most possible nights together and he travelled a lot. I actually have no clue as to his actions when not with him. I never found anything clearly suspicious, but then I was the complete fool who trusted him not only blindly, but by a sense of obligation as strange as it sounds. He was paranoid and accused me constantly of infidelity and started these traumatic arguments so I found myself having to defend myself night and day from his horrible and untrue accusations; thereby I couldn’t for the life of me imagine that he would do the very thing he accused me of. But probably he projected all along; I didn’t see it then because I did too; I projected my own image of a vulnerable and previously badly hurt man on him, I projected my own pain and hurt unto him and the result was a never ending circus of me feeling obliged to never ever question his actions or his whereabouts since that would hurt his “feelings” immensely and he would become very aggressive.
With that said he was a pathological liar, he lied about any stupid thing or maybe the lies that never made sense to me at all were different stories he told different women? He was unfaithful with his work being a workaholic and with his drinking being almost an alcoholic; he was constantly protecting his phone from me. Of course he must’ve been unfaithful and I guess I’ll never know. Is it strange to wish I did know by now? Maybe things would’ve ended earlier on if I had found out? Maybe I would have been spared som pain? Or is it better not knowing?
Catherine, I did not know about it too. I was so blind and I believed him too much. He had to put my nose on it to see it. But then I saw too much. That was not his intention. I could read him, much more than he wanted it. I do not think, that it would change things, if you know about his sexual infidelity or not. You know about all other kinds of infidelity and about treachery. That is more than enough. Does it make any difference, whether there were other women too?
Not really, they only want us to see there a difference. All they do is some kind of masturbation crowned with a living thing.
Hi Mona, I’m so sorry for what you went through, I guess not all narcs want to be found out or on the other hand we’re way too trusting. You might be right also; in the end it shouldn’t matter whether he had other women or not, it’s over now and I don’t need to know. I think what’s bothering me the most is what a scary hypocrite he would be accusing me of infidelity time and time again making me break down and assume responsibility for his awful behaviour when he himself was the one being unfaithful. During the relationship, prior to any knowledge of personality disorders, I thought his jealousy was our biggest problem, it was beyond my belief that he could act that way himself. Only from that perspective I would like to know now. I can’t handle injustice.
I chose intellectual infidelity. My Mid-Ranger was a ‘friend’ but while I would not think to use the word ‘infidelity’, it was dishonesty because he pretended to care about deeper issues–the arts, literature, ideas, etc. yet hid the fact that he gossiped on Twitter about Britney Spears and the Kardashians.
At one point he ripped into that detritus of celeb gossip–Perez Hilton. Said he was a horrible person, didn’t want him to have any fame, ugly, fat, etc.
Then on his Twitter he was not only following him but Tweeting to him flirtatiously and retweeting his crap. When I asked him about this, he said, ‘I’m not really that into it,’ all the while having hundreds of thousands of Tweets on this Hollywood crap.
Ok, yeah.
If that is your vibe, then I don’t care. But don’t pretend like you’re ‘above that’ all the while engaging in it, because you’re just wasting my time, which he did.
In finding this Twitter page, I came to learn that he was 1) gay and hiding it from me for years 2) into celeb gossip when he said how mindless it was and 3) sharing photos of himself containing people he never mentioned to me. I was looking at a complete stranger. It was very painful night to find this. I cried all night. No sleep. Just cried.
I am curious what others have experienced in this dept, as I see a number of people chose this.
Hi bibi,
The mmrn used to say he’s not into stuff that he’s clearly into. He would ask me not to talk about certain topics, stating that it is not appropriate, like when i talked about women in yoga pants at the gym. I thought he was being so moral asking me not to talk about it. Later, i find out that he’s on casual sex sites and he has half naked pics of himself there.
On ig, he follows accounts that do not seem consistent, eg. spiritual, meditation, philosophy, religious, drugs, getting high, adult. He likes spiritual posts that make him the victim, eg. ‘Your heart is a soft place’, ‘don’t hold onto a mistake’ (so ghosting is better i guess?). At the same time, he will like posts of half naked women or women having their bottom spanked (i had trouble typing that out). It’s disgusting. He also likes posts about kindness to animals, when he can’t even be kind to a human being. I thought he was well rounded at the beginning. Now i know he’s a hypocrite. Btw, the spirituality he learns online, he used to come back and repeat to me word for word. ‘A flower does not look good plucked of its petals’ he typed, when i asked him why he gave me a rose. In my mind: Umm, what? What are you trying to say exactly?
Never mind. GOSOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Same here mine is a devout Muslim who wears a men’s dress prayer robe called an abaya prays five times a day observes all religious holidays and posts nothing but religious things on his Facebook page and has no evidence of woman on his Facebook page he’s above reproach he never was unfaithful it was only his alternate identity his Facebook page with a fake name who works for the drama centers of London who flirts with other woman online his real self doesn’t his false self does but in reality his false self is his real self and his real self is his false self
Bibi,
“… britney spears and the kardashians…”
Oh god!!!!
Who even gave the kardashians a spot on tv?!!
Hi bibi…i can relate but in a different way. A couple years ago i met a friend online and oddly enough a narc support site. We hit it off and she seemed so very supportive. I felt i could open up to her altho i never confessed everything about the nature of my narc relationship only the abuse over the years. Im so glad i didnt. Nonetheless i did open up about the abuse and i also supported her thru some difficult times. It was nice to meet a friends i felt i could trust. Looking back there were a few red flags which i found unsettling but it wasnt long until i seen her mask slip and i think what was the most upsetting was the realisation that she was a midranger posing and believing she was victim. Its true what HG writes the lessers and midrangers dont realise what they are. I believe she experienced abuse but i think it was two narcs in a relationship her being one of them.
Anyways she ended up abruptly for no reason vanishing and blocking me for no reason. It was very hurtful but also a lesson. I did see the red flags and i did take note but i need to be faster acting in seeing them. I guess i still didnt believe them bc she too had experienced narc abuse never thinking she could also be a narcissist.
I dont have much to say. Under the disguise of polyamoury it was all done directly under my nose. The best way to hide something is to put it in plain sight.
Rather wiley for a mid range victim narcissist…im so grateful this experience is no longer my life.
I knew of 2 one night stands before we were married.Neither of us wanted to marry ever.But I was leaving him after the second time, “Don’t accuse me of giving you VD you effing slut!” was what I told him. I usually didn’t call names, but I hate being accused of something I didn’t do! {Spouting Fuel, and he projecting) He said he did it because he was drunk, and would quit drinking. He never drank again, yet had a multiple act affair during marriage that I knew of, massive fights hell on earth accusing ME of infidelity, says his friend/waitress KNEW i was unfaithful! When I finally left part of his hoovering me back, besides stalking, B&E, force, He said he was ashamed that he let some Jezebel trick him, and try to tear us apart.
Large sums of money would go missing, he would rage at me for asking or accusing, and come up with a barely plausible excuse, still raging at me in a frightening way.
I found about about all the other women, children, etc. after his death. He probably knew if I found out, his facade would be shattered with divorce, breakdown, or murder. (He is the only person I EVER wanted to murder, and the thought occurred to me many times)
He was still committing financial infidelity as he was sick and dying, giving away every penny we had up till hospice, including cashing out most of his life insurance. I also found out that he had emptied my personal account, an old passbook style account years earlier. He had possession of my book, but it was only in my name so I didn’t worry. F*ck me to tears if he hadn’t figured out a way. I knew he convinced several people to break multiple laws over the years. Don’t know why I didn’t think he could pull that off.
About the 20 year mark, I thought he was being unfaithful with a lieutenant of his that he was coercing me to “be friendly with” She was feeding him info, so I fed her disinfo, and when he fell for it, I banned her from the home, and he probably demoted her. He still accused me of being unfaithful, so I had Mr Fix it fix me a few times. I actively left clues of “what” but not “who”.
He acted like he didn’t know,but quit calling me whore. Mr Fix it and lieutenant ended up leaving state together. LOL I still don’t know exactly WTF on that, but never bothered to find out.
No wonder I don’t like “soap operas”. I was living in one.
Wow Perse. You have lived through so much. Thank you for sharing – and with humour! He must have been one seriously charming SOB for all of that..
I identify with the soap opera bit – I lived one too, and similarly don’t care for too much drama in “entertainment.”
NE
Yes, he was one seriously charming SOB alright. When that wasn’t enough, he made me feel bad that he had so many health problems, and I wasn’t giving him any credit for TRYING so hard to be a better man.
I should have listened to Yoda.
“Do or do not. There is no try!”
The last one ( the most devastating one ) , triangulate me with the ex wife , his son and some friends . For sex and intelligent conversation , I was the one . A couple of time ( near discard ) with his pet ! I runned back to my ex upper mid range ( as an infidelity ) some few times , I felt better with him , treated better and sex was more much better .
After disangement of the first one I discovered that the mid range was a narcissist as well , I went NO CONTACT with both of them at the same time .
I have to say I never discovered a sexual infedelity with both . But I am pretty sure that there were some with the greater.
He is over sexual . No matter how much sex a woman gives him , if never enough . Thank you for the opportunity HG .
I don’ t consider infidelity when there is no
sex or flirtation , but I hate to be triangulated , it is so denigrating , because I am very independent .
Unbeknownst to me initially, mine said he was single, but actually i found out after about 6 weeks that he lived with his IPPS and had done for 8 years. He also had a ‘friend’ he raved about all the time until i found a separate fb account of his with him and her ‘in a relationship’. When I confronted him about both of these simultaneous relationships (and i suspect others too) he immediately denied and lied, and started the devaluation campaign on me.. and blocked unblocked, trianguated me, accused me of infidelity which was untrue, and also constantly called me a cunt and player. He is still at it. I have been no contact for almost a year, but i know he is still seeing 2 women ‘in relationships’ with him plus has at least 1 other DLS. Yes, he is a covert midranger.. expert at compartmentalising… . Loves his own good guy facade, but i saw his uncooth wicked horrendous cruel side. Glad i am free of him..but his IPPS still has no clue.. neither does his IPSS..they still both worship him.. 😥
I love this article so very true, my Husband who is 57 was impressing/having an affair with a 19 yr old who was at uni teaching mandarin to him as an extra job. His tuition fees were paid for by his company (CEO of course). He was then paying her extra money over and above what the company he was working for was paying her. Lunches dinners etc, then when she left uni emailing all his contacts to try and get her a job. Telling her he had emailed all his CEO friends personally about what a clever graduate she is! Unbelievable I knew nothing other than the secret texts in the evenings. I had a Whif of what was going on but of course no evidence and was laughed at when I asked if he was having an affair. Of course he spent a lot of money on her including international flights to see her once he left that country. I have spend years trying to understand what was going on the relationship, including a degree in psychotherapy, I am greatful now and love to help my clients who are suffering form narcasiatic abuse.
Louise,
You are a rare gem! I’m happy to know that you are a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse! Through your own experience,no less.
(I’m sorry that you have had a narcissistic relationship, but at least you have a clear understanding)
We need more of those. Lots more.
Perse
The fuel infidelity! All of the narcs I knew wanted another fuel. That’s why that looked hard to grasp (what the hell he means by that communication with her?) was that infidelity ir not. Very subtle.
You hit the nail on the head my dear I am convinced all infedility by narcs is for fuel even if its also for sex or money or beauty or other benefits one thing I can never ever be is new fresh supply I can never be a new conquest a new victim a fresh faced new admirer that’s why he’s destined to constantly search them out I could be an 18 year old supermodel and billionaire the words best cook and best fuck but I can never give him that feeling he gets from seducing a new source it hurts so much less now that this reality has hit me he’s like a vampire that needs new blood and I can never be new the closest way he can replicate that feeling but to a much greatly reduced affect is to discard me and hoover me back but that only has a tenth of the affect new supply does
Hi ugotit…you hit it on the name that we can never give the initial high of ensnaring a new victim. Thats it in a nutshell…fresh fuel. Its at its most potent at the beginning and why like a vampire they need new all the time.
Yes, the Boss once said “we cannot remain faithful, we need fuel too much”; there’s nothing more to argue! They need fuel as we need oxygen.
Hi kim/ugotit,
You really did hit the nail here: “I could be an 18 year old supermodel and billionaire the words best cook and best fuck but I can never give him that feeling he gets from seducing a new source… ”
So that’s why zayn discarded gigi i think 😫
I don’t know what this would be considered maybe internet infidelity but I found him commenting on other woman’s photos on Facebook the following things “how about you and me ” “hi baby ” “miow” “someone’s gorgeous” “you look beautiful as always ” etc etc I could go on forever one of the ones that bother me the most is when he commented on a photo of a homely woman and her awckward looking daughter “you look like angels both of you are angels” these comments were made to dozens of woman over the course of our relationship I didn’t discover until the end but he never liked any of my photos except during the golden period because according to him I shouldn’t post selfies at my age because I’m too old and unattractive but many of these woman were my age or older and many were younger and actractive but many were younger and homely
I also discovered he has numerous dating profiles and belonged to many singles dating sites on Facebook and posted in one shortly after we got married hi my name is fuckface and I’m single looking for a serious relationship
Ugotit – same here. While we were in the formal relationship mine behaved himself at first. Once he got bored, he started friending up women on FB he didn’t know telling me he liked to see “hot chicks” in his feed. He commented/liked all their photos while ignoring most of mine, yet he still sprinkled in enough likes on mine to keep me on the hook. His newest tactic is to comment and like a mutual friends posts knowing I will see them and telling her they should get together for drinks and he will pay (not likely as he is way too cheap) and now he reacts with hearts to their profile pics. I never once rated a heart. He is most proficient at his game playing while drunk at night.
Ugotit, yes, double standars are the hobbies of these narcs. I hope you are ok now!
yes I was engaged to marry a greater. he turned out to be a sex freak. at first i thought it was sexy like 50 shades of grey, but then the relationship became too much
i ran off to my upper mid ranger who was just as bad, but does a better job at compartmentalizing
ANM,
Better job at compartmentalizing? I’m curious, what do you mean?
not a better job at it, but he put more effort in compartmentalize. my upper mid range ex gets off on hiding information and the people in his life from eachother. he was more secretive. the greater would just try to put me in situations where he had the upper hand and I had to go along with his choices, if that makes sense
Hi anm and sophia,
I recently realized i know a greater. I think he is a narcissist but i have to consult with hg and check. I must admit, the mid ranger was much more devastating due to his secrecy and silences. The greater had no secrets as he was so confident that he could justify anything, without lying. He admits readily that he’s an as*hole with most pple. And he does not pretend to be shy and a victim like the mmrn. With the mmrn, i always felt like ‘aww poor guy’ only later to realize ‘poor me!’ The middle midranger left me suicidal. But no more. Also, the greater talks alot. Mmrn was so quiet i usually have to do the talking, which gets tiresome if it’s on the phone. God i despise midrangers.
Jenna,
My mid ranger was secretive and wasn’t talkative unless it was about him or something he thought would make him look good to talk about.
He was very manipulative and calculating. He liked to say people viewed him as an asshole because he liked to tell people the truth. I told him once that uneducated opinions are not the truth.
HG says that Greater narcs have the ability to influence others with positive emotions. It was really difficult, if not impossible for the most part, for my MMRN to manipulate others by being kind and charming when it served him.
I can’t stand mid rangers and I feel like I’m seeing them everywhere.
So sorry for you, good to know what are you dealing with now. Narcland is anywhere.
Lesser narcoholic triangulated me with his most most recent ex right at the beginning and I suspect (and heard gossip) that he nailed her at least once while seeing me
Same guy triangulated ,e with, and tried to trade me out as IPPS , for his ex wife TWICE in our relationship, but as far as I can tell only emotional/financial infidelity took place .
Other guy I WAS the IPSS/DLS. And he had a third on the line (but lied about it) when I ditched.
He cheated on me mentally, physically, an emotionially from the minute I met him. Took me years to understand what I was dealing with. I was with him (ha) so I thought for 12 years. It was three years ago I first googled up what he was doing and Narcissist poped up. Then I found Sam Valkins Videos for my Light Bulb moment.
HG, your work fine tuned exactly what he is, And what I needed to do. It is the only thing that has kept me from going back an not moving forward
Kudos
I coined the term “emotional infidelity “…which he said there is no such thing …lol and often accused me of all the acts he was committing – such a farce