The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6
At the outset, the sex was off the charts. You would not describe yourself as promiscuous but neither have you lived as a nun. You have had numerous, if not extensive sexual partners and you know what works for you and you know what does not and it certainly worked with us. Now, of course not all of our kind are sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. You can discount the Victim Narcissist from such attainment straight away. Cerebrals, well they will talk a good game and will perform reasonably well, but as soon as there is no need to maintain, then they will not, but it would not be described as earth-shattering. Not all Somatics and Elites are necessarily going to make the world move, but most do and if you have been ensnared by one of these cadres then sex was sensational.
Then it wasn’t.
There is no interest shown in having sex with you or if there is, it is perfunctory and all about our needs and yours are just ignored, which is most bewildering after the triple A performances you once received.
Sex just isn’t the same. Not at all. It has gone off the boil and then frozen. The bedroom is an icy wilderness but oddly we are now ensconced in our bolthole until late at night. Some snooping reveals an extensive porn browsing history taking in all manner of different sexual tastes. You hear us make comments about other women or men (dependent on orientation) and people who appear on television or films are given an appraisal in terms of sexual appeal and what we would like to do with them. The libido appears alive and well. Just not with you.
You raise this turn of events with a confidante and explain how once it was all nosebleed inducing orgasms, hijinks from the chandeliers and extensive couplings through the night. You then details how you are lucky if you get a kiss. You offer that there appears to be no loss of interest in sex per se from us, our browser history confirms this, but there is clearly a loss of interest in engaging in sexual congress with you. Whoever it is you have turned to nods in understanding and pronounces that the way to get things back on track is for you to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.
No it will not.
When sex is removed from the equation it is not the consequence of familiarity with the same body and the same techniques deployed that might affect the sexual activity of a healthy couple. It is not the fact that one or both parties is tired, stressed, worried the children will walk in, not feeling as attractive because they have gained weight/not had chance to shower/needs to engage in some pubic topiary etc. The sex has not dwindled through this common reasons which are symptomatic of a long-lasting relationship. No, the sex has been removed because it is not a manifestation of affection or love from us, but it is a weapon.
Giving you great sex is a weapon.
Removing that great sex is a weapon.
It is done to gain fuel and to control you.
Accordingly, your devaluation has occurred because your fuel is stale/not frequent enough/not copious enough and thus sex is withdrawn to provoke a reaction from you so you give us negative fuel.
If you try harder to engage with us sexually, if you suggest different activities be it role-playing, watching porn together, using different techniques, dressing up, introducing some kinks and so forth as part of this attempt to broaden your sexual horizons and thus introduce the spark into the relationship again this is what will happen.
- You signal to us that our withdrawal of sexual interest has really begun to have an impact. All we will then do is decide to maintain it. So no matter how much new and desirable lingerie you wear, no matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel, no matter how hard you try to be seductive and alluring it will be thrown in your face for the purposes of extending your devaluation and your provision of negative fuel.
- You will also open yourself up to the exploitation of your now more liberal attitude. We will not accept what you have suggested but instead push it further with a view to finding some kind of sexual activity which we know you do not want to engage in but your desperation to please and to try will mean that you will go along with it. Dependent on your threshold, this might mean a threesome, group sex, water sports, rough sex, humiliation games, sex in public places, sex on camera to be broadcast across the internet and much more besides. Your reluctant agreement to engage in this will be seized on and you will be subjected to a range of unpleasant sexual behaviours which we will revel in forcing you into for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you all done with the comment “You said you wanted to try something new.”
- We will see this as a green light to open up further fuel lines by getting your approval to allow other people into our sexual activities, forcing you to sleep with other people as we watch, or allowing us to plough a furrow elsewhere and then tell you about it. This will all be done to enable us to gain fuel from these Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and/or Intimate Partner Tertiary Sources and to draw further negative fuel from you because of your reaction to this. You will go along with it but because of your empathic traits which cater to decency, honesty and fidelity, your reaction will vary from quiet dismay to out and out horror at what we have been doing and what we expect you to do.
Offering to broaden your sexual horizons with our kind is to open yourself up to further abuse through the maintenance of the sexual famine and/or the imposition of unpleasant and unsavoury sexual activities as a consequence of our need for fuel and also the maintenance of control over you. Sex, owing to its relationship to love and intimacy for many people of an empathic nature, means it is weapon ripe for exploitation by us. Where you receive the erroneous advice of the ignorant it will only result in further abuse and hurt for you.
To understand in detail the attitude of the narcissist to sex, Sex and the Narcissist is a fascinating insight into the sexual dynamic between narcissist and victim.
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Narcissist-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01B8NKS4A
US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
CAN http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
31 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6”
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Dear Nuit and Perse,
Awe …. thank you … oh gorgeous ones …. you’re both tooo kind.
We do make a good team … he does everything I tell him to 😂
😘💜😘
Dear Mr Tudor,
I asked Mr Bubbles if I had “broadened my horizon” and he replied “I love the size of your bottom just the way it is my dear” … 😂
Thank you for the giggle, Bubbles! You & Mr. Bubbles sound adorable – glad you have each other 🙂
Bubbles!
LOL!
You and Mr Bubbles are sweet, cute and funny!
I wish you both everlasting normal Love!
Perse
My narc definitely got a little odd about sex. And then after time went by and I was tired of being emotionally abused I wasn’t as interested because I didn’t want to continue finding myself to the person. Towards the end it was the only thing my narc tried to keep me hooked with. Course if you’re not having sexual relations all the other affectionate activities seem to dwindle out to like holding hands or other affectionate closeness.
This entanglement with my narc definitely taught me that next time I am not sleeping with someone as rapidly as I did -and have with ither non-narcs – in the past. It’s just not worth it. It only took me 54 years to learn that one. And to really believe it. Oy.
But you learned it, Kathleen. So be proud of yourself!:-)
Note: test marking/having notification problems.
Thanks! I now realize how dangerous it is. I realize it not only for myself being hurt but also for me hurting others. I don’t want to cloud my judgment with it anymore. It really does cloud judgment. I think I have enough self-control at this point to stick to that boundary-
You’re most welcome. 🙂 You sound steady, Kathleen. Good for you! Keep at it. You can do it.
I agree, it *is* dangerous. It’s funny (well, not so funny) that when I was in the relationship with the narcissist, I felt ill at ease so many times…I felt downright anxious at times… and I felt smothered (often) and sometimes even scared. Yet I never considered that I was in danger! It DOES cloud judgment. The salami slicing technique that HG speaks of — it’s for real.
Well, HG…how fitting a post title, as I see if I’ve finally fixed my stupid tech problem.
I think I’m now understanding Heated Fury, in a real personal way.
Seriously, @%2#@&#+%#!
HG:
I do what you like.
next time, you do what I like. However, I like intimacy, which means I want to know the real you, and I want you to know the real me.
Next tine, I do what you want.
Is it possible?
You can always do what we want but it doesn’t mean your life will be any better for doing so.
Hi pam,
Can you explain this further?
Hello Pam,
Interesting equation you formulated here.
If I understand you correctly:
You are willing to give your power away to a narcissist( doing what they want, not what you want) in exchange/for the sake of getting back faked intimacy?
If you do that: what would be left of you? Wouldn’t you be vanishing with time?
Hi pam,
I just realized this sounds like you are still engaging with your narc. If so, are you sure that’s wise considering how dangerous he is? Please be careful. Guard your heart. 💕
During the golden period we were “making love”, during the devaluation he was “fucking me”. And he knew I didn’t like this kind of dirty talk.
That pisses me off just reading that, Agnes. Good riddance to him.
100% on point! Exactly what I experienced. Thank you for putting it into such comprehensive and comprehensible words!
I do appreciate that articles are posted several times.
Depending on where I am in healing, I might understand, but not “feel” the truth of it, if you know what I mean.
I can accept this now, and not take it personally.
Thanks HG.
This is how my narc got me to lose my anal virginity, he went cold on me as described perfectly here then when I asked what was wrong he said he was upset I hadn’t let him do that with me. So I did, hoping that our sex life would return to what it was. No. All this time I have blamed myself, thank you HG for enlightenment even though I now feel like an absolute mug.
Dear Emma, (*& I refuse to accept that you are pathetic)
Please don’t feel like a mug.. you have demonstrated that you were willing to compromise, to change yourself, in an attempt to revive/save your relationship – it was not your fault that narcs are incapable of compromise, or even appreciating what they had to begin with.
Thank you for sharing, and I wish you healing and confidence – it’s not you the problem.
You were trying to please a manipulator. Although I can understand why you feel “muggy” (assuming you mean foolish), please don’t shame yourself.
You’re not “Emma Pathetic” — you’re “Emma Enlightened.”
Emma, it’s not about the sex activity, they are extremely shallow and cannot bond (form a constant memory impression of you with emotional attachment) – with you as a unique person. They may even lack oxytocin, the ‘bonding feelings’ hormone, which women have more than men anyway. In their subconcious, you are an extention of their selves and function purely to reflect their image of themselves (much like narcissus!) which is constructed through their ego-defences, and they avoid-reject any flaws and vulnerabilities in themselves through exaggerated ‘self-admiration’. They seek instead anything that supports that image, social status, adrenaline driven novel adventures, they’re all external-superficial with a (subconsciously) repressed internal self. In order to idealise something, something else has to be repressed. They have to be idealised versions of themselves and so others must be degraded. It’s a rigid, compulsive attitude and behaviour that they are trapped within. Some are more malicious and aware of wanting to hurt people than others.
So, they can have sex but only fake true intimacy. It’s only about them, not you, their attraction to you is motivated by their limitations—what they need to compensate for their condition, like boredom, ego-boosting, control and power, things that feed the idealised self. We’re interchangable objects to them, we serve a role for them, it’s not a mutual relationship. It’s a predator-prey, parasite-host dynamic. When we have power, they are envious because it displaces them as the center of the universe, which is infantile, but that’s their coping strategy in life.
So you can just look at ‘the anal’ as a sexual experience for yourself, you’re still free to decide what you want to do in your life, how you see yourself and who you give your affection to, no sex act can degrade your worth as a person. That’s just sexism.
I mean, sexual and emotional abuse can damage your self-esteem, your perception of yourself, but the reality is your self-worth has nothing to do with the actions of others.
Well said /iroll. Thank you for this explanation. I found it very helpful in understanding the mindset of a narcissist and their inability to bond.
I noted the lack of a bonding feeling really early on… and chose to ignore it. But that feeling is what really drove me off. It’s just impossible to ignore. It’s basic. It made me cry or made me feel my soul was crushed. It was like cozying up to a concrete wall. Eventually i shut down and began walling up my self. I got discarded which hurt-but saved me. I’m still working it out after 6 months No Contact. Tough but she’s with a new supply so she’s busy… and I’m trying to recover my self worth and heal from the grand deception. HGs writings really help – I recommend “Fuel” e book.
Love to all –
Hey, Kathleen…
Six months is *huge*, with NC. Nicely done.:-)
You are so right that getting discarded is a saving grace. It’s not like with normal relationships — it’s a WIN! 😉 But I understand the pain is real. One thing I’ve done since being enlightened by HG is keep a notebook, writing down all the narcissistic ploys I can recall about the Formal Relationship (and Hoovers)… or Red Flags I now recognize. I just thought I’d mention, because it’s helped me “keep it real,” as he’s tried to love bomb the crap out of me and charm his way back. They do love to Hoover… so she may return to you, again and again. Stay strong. It is so NOT worth it to get entangled with them again… oh gawd, SO not worth it.
You mention something that bothers me, in regard to the 3-year relationship with my narcissist — re: bonding. When in the Formal Relationship, I felt like he was bonded to me emotionally, and I’m not all that easy to fool. I guess he was just excellent at mirroring, because he seemed very emotionally attached to me (addicted is more like it though), and even shared (probably mainly fake/made up!) “deep” things… but in a very simplified way, I look at empaths as people who innately love who we are (a good thing), so what’s not to love when a narcissist mirrors our own traits?:-) So your recovery will largely be about reclaiming your self-love again. Remember, YOU ROCK. She, unfortunately, has a very real disorder.
Anyway, your post is making me reflect on fake bonding. Thank you!:-)
Thank you Caroline. I believe that my intuition is always accurate. And even though I was told by my friend who is a therapist that narcissists are only mirroring emotions most of the time I guess I didn’t wanna believe it. Because I had invested so much in the dream and I had left a good relationship with another person. but Very early into the relationship /first few months I was like this person’s comportment is very stiff and the way that things are said just seem very false-Kind of singsongy delivery.. like you would see in a play in a theater where things are over acted. And when I began to question and state that I felt she was not being open and vulnerable with me… I think that’s when she realized I wasn’t going tonbe a good IPPS in replacement of her current IPPs and she continued to manipulate me but also devaluation began as she tried to go backnto her partner- who held fast and kicked her out. so now I see that well she got stuck with me the musical chairs game . And her and I lasted about two years after that with me never happy really and her manipulating and likely seeking a replacement but she finally located… Who actually located her… Anyways I love my intuition and I just need to believe it more often and be aware of it and act ion the messages it’s sending
“pubic topiary” all kinds of funny visuals come with that. ❤️ it! 😂
Some of the more descriptive phrases in this post made me laugh too MB.
…”chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel”…
…”nosebleed inducing orgasms”…
…”plough a furrow elsewhere”… LOL!!!
I think HG has a robust enthusiasm in this department.
…but of course the horizontal tango with a narc of the elite cadre is nothing short of sensational… 😉