The Future Fakes – No. 1
“I will never hurt you.”
So easy to say, yet impossible for us to do.
These are words which ought never need to be spoken. Someone who is healthy and normal would never hurt the person they love, care about and cherish. Consequently, as I have observed, since they will not hurt that person and they know they will not do so, there is no need to tell them that they will not do so. Why tell somebody something that you have no intention of doing?
Of course, people who are not our kind will trot out this sentence at some point, swept up in their love for their other half and feeling the need to assert this. Those who are not of our kind will say this not because they will hurt you, but rather they are not entirely confident as to their position with their other half and feel they should provide reassurance and so they do. It remains an empty comment because even the non-narcissist does not know what the future will bring but he or she is unlikely to engage in issuing the hurt.
Those who are truly secure have no need to say it at all and will not. But how do you discern between the well-intentioned but empty comment of the insecure non-narcissist and the future faking of our kind? All in good time.
We tell you these words because it masks the fact that we know we cause hurt and by telling you this we are doing two things :-
- Using words once again (rather than our actions) to con you. We adopt this phrase because it sounds meaningful, honest and decent – the very things that you need to hear because we are mirroring the fact that you are a person of meaning, you are honest and you are decent ; and
- Engaging in the self-delusion that our narcissism causes. By repeating that we will not hurt you then this means we are not going to do so. We are not going to harm you. We are not the bad person. This of course then creates our unassailable position that YOU caused the hurt. We did not and we know we did not do so because we told you we will never hurt you and because we said that and said it many times, then, it must be true.
We have to say this because we want to ensure you hear those things which will bind you to us. We are faking what the future will bring, creating the illusion that is the golden period whereby you suffer no ill, experience no pain and endure no hurt. We want you to find reassurance in those words, to allow their effect to wrap around you and make you believe them. We want you to buy into those words and accept that the future with us will be one of happiness and pain-free.
Of course what these words do is add to the height of the pedestal from which you will inevitably tumble. Each promise of a golden future that lies ahead for you, raises you that bit higher on the pedestal so that when we do hurt you – and we will – your fall is harder. The contrast is greater and accordingly your reaction to the hurt is intensified and with it the fuel we need. The negative fuel is provided in greater amounts and more often.
“But you said you would never hurt me,” you declare through the tears. You bought into the dream based on this promise. You expected we would deliver on this announcement of never doing anything to hurt you, so you could give your all to us and open yourself up to us, wide open, exposed and vulnerable. Nobody wants to be hurt and you never expect to be hurt by somebody who supposedly loves you and cares for you. These are words that should remain unspoken and should you hear them said to you, you should take heed for the reality is that these words are being said in order to influence and control.
They are said or written purely to seduce. They are issued to mask the fact that the issuer is one who does hurt, who has hurt and will do so again.
We have to hurt you. We have to draw on the negative fuel that hurt causes. We have to punish you because you have hurt us. You have failed to deliver and you will always fail to deliver and thus the hurt will always be brought to bear upon you.
By providing an assurance, so easy to say with those seemingly earnest words, we trick you into believing them but on what truth do those lies rest? Where is the evidence to show that we will not hurt you? There is none. It is a future event and therefore all that manifests is intent and that is as concrete as the ether.
It would be slightly more honest to state
“I do not know what the future will bring, I may hurt you, I may not, we do not know.”
Not very romantic though is it? Not something you want tattooed on your forearm is it? Hardly the stuff of beating hearts and fluttering stomachs.
Far better to utilise the expectation of cherishing our ‘soulmate’ and tell our victim that we will never hurt them. Fake them into thinking the future is going to be wonderful and have them sign up and submit.
Should you ever hear these words, you should respond with
“I think you will.”
Then see what the reaction to your comment is. It will be most telling and is likely to provide you with confirmation of this future faking red flag or whether it has been issued by a well-meaning but harmless individual.
The insecure harmless individual will assert they will not hurt you but will ask why do you think that and will then concede that yes, they might hurt you, although would not intend to and may do so inadvertently.
Our kind will be adamant we will never hurt you and such is the conviction by which we say this (because we are feeling challenged and we need to assert our superiority with you albeit since it is during seduction we cannot do so in a forceful and hurtful manner) such is the way whereby we reject any suggestion whatsoever that this will happen, because of course we operate in absolutes – there is no maybe – this will be the indicator that this is the future faking comment of our kind.
44 thoughts on “The Future Fakes – No. 1”
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Hello HG,
So well written. I find so much solace when I visit your site. Another thing, that really hit me was the picture you included with this piece.
It’s the same pic he sent me one day. From memory he said something along the lines of ‘this is us- you and me’. (Glad I never corrected him and said ‘you and I’!).
It scared me when I saw it, but in my heart I felt it was a good pictorial representation.
Couldn’t believe I saw it here. Just another sign that I was definitely never going to be loved by him.
But, I do love your site and it allowing me to move on.
There is true power in knowledge.
Thank you again.
You are welcome.
HG, this is quite funny. My comment : “Smart choice…” was a normal compliment !
I expected an answer similar to the one you did. Clever made.
And now you can delete this comment or the other or both.
I think when a narcissist accuses their victim of something its usually them doing it snd same with declarations of the future. If they say i will never hurt you its them confessing what theyve done before. They are covering up their past track record. Anything out of the blue they promise never to do view with caution bc its probably foreshadowing.
HG, how would you describe yourself? As a narcissistic psychopath or as a psychopathic narcissist?
If it is between those two choices, the former.
Smart choice of answer, HG.
Thank you.
Jenna, I am of your opinion too. Some of the mid range have an awareness too. They know what they do and they really enjoy it. I am sorry, HG, that I disagree with you about this point. You are really an expert for narcissism, but even you are not under the skin of each narc. My narc told me proudly how he enjoyed the hurt/pain of others. And he tried to persuade me to do the same. His dream was that we both abuse other people, really bizarre. I was speechless when he told me and emotionally paralyzed (last days of this bizarre relationship). I hope that he never finds this kind of “soulmate”, that could become dangerous.
No, I saw real joy in his eyes and some kind of fascination about his idea.
HG, if enjoy isn’t the correct word, what is???
It is the appearance of the effect of the fuel provided from such behaviour.
Ergo, the fuel orgasm that my lesser females displayed: eyes rolled up, mouths agape and their pig-like faces suffused with malign glee. One actually moaned with pleasure once. Yuck!
In my case, he drew me in with his beautiful words and actions, then the next day he said, “I don’t want to hurt you.” He set up a situation and when he knew I accepted it, absolved himself of accountability and responsibility with that table-turning statement. It made me feel as if my feelings for him after he had seduced me were my own fault, and if in future I was hurt, it would not be because of him. He continued to seduce me, of course, a few days later.
Stephanie, I fell for his words. And he assaulted me . . . Of course it’s our fault. They are never wrong. Mine always quoted out of the Bible. I was a whore according to him because I was blinded by the allure and seduction. I love him and hate him at the same time!
I believe it Jenna. Marriage councilor asked him why he hated women. He replied – “not true”. I think it wounded him cause he brought the hate women thing up in several rages. Of course it was my fault the person asked it. (We never went back to council after that..) His childhood was horrible. I think he was taught to hurt, a for-sure fuel source.
When he turned up the hurt, I said “you are scaring me”
There it was.It was super fast …but I saw him smile.
Hi kensey,
I always used to think that the non-malignant narc such as the midranger cannot help it because of his childhood abuse. I was reading texts frm the stable period (not golden, not deval) – the stranger period. In context of the conversation, he wrote something to the effect that- some bad pple are proud of being bad. Omg! After i read that 2 wks back, i realized that he is fully aware and perhaps even enjoys hurting pple. I previously thought only greaters enjoy it, and that midrangers ‘can’t help it’ as he used to say.
To clarify:
I think many narcs have suffered childhood abuse, which leads them to perpetrate the abuse they have learned.
But i thought the greater plans, calculates and enjoys hurting, while the midranger does it instinctively, and doesn’t really enjoy hurting, ie. wishes he did not hurt pple. He used to say ‘i’m sorry but sometimes i just can’t help it’, or ‘i just should not talk to you when i’m high.’
I think i was entirely mistaken. I think they all enjoy it – lessers, mids, greaters. They are evil pple.
Enjoy isn’t the right word.
Hi hg!
Then what would be the right word? ‘Feel powerful’ maybe? But if you feel powerful, do you not enjoy that feeling? And what about the narcs who smirk? Is the smirk not indicative of enjoying others’ hurt? Ty.
The smirk is to provoke. It is representative of contempt.
Contempt after hurting?!
I thought your kind felt enjoyment.
Rather, you feel: 1)power, and 2)hatred, ie. contempt?!!
Oh my!! That’s just awful! The first scenario of feeling enjoyment i thought is mean, but this, this, this………..
……… is the HEIGHT of evil!!!
You heard it all! GOSOOOOO!!!!
Contempt because they see you then as weak. They see weakness with contempt..
Oh, mine smirked a lot. I hated that. He felt so superior and so entitled. And I agree with you Jenna, I think too that most of them know what they do. At least when it comes to hurting others. My ULN knew. He talked about it a lot, but the difference in awareness, and please correct me if I’m wrong HG, is that they might know what they do, but they’re still not aware of what they are. Mine knew he was aggressive, he knew people had a problem with him because of it, he knew he manipulated others and being in fact into sales professionally it worked wonders for him and he used to tell me and laugh about it. He knew he was nasty. He schemed and planned, he calculated the maximum harm he could inflict on others. The difference was that I honestly think he thought he was the victim, not the offender. He was the good person in an evil world where people tried to fool him and betray him; he was then in his mind forced to use his weaponry of hideous control and power play on his environment to protect himself from harm; not exactly enjoying it, but for him it was survival; fuel I guess even though he didn’t know that. It’s a world upside down; he didn’t get the big picture at all so there must be different levels of awareness?
kensey- you just gave me the chills….were his eyes black as well ?
Very interesting new series that invite to analysis.
Being the first one about the topic of hurt.
I try to look at this from a “neutral” perspective:
1.” Someone who is healthy and normal would never hurt the person they love, care about and cherish.”
I would like to add that hurt is not exclusive to a relationship with a narcissist.
Hurt occurs within any relationship: between non-narcissists as well. Being a romantic,professional,family,friend relationship.
Hurt arises from having expectations from the other person. Expectations we “create” that are not fulfilled.
2. The main differences (and of own experience) in a relationship with a narcissist:
a) The narcissist hurts deliberately knowing exactly what expectations you have of him/her and putting you down.
b) The narcissist (who is aware he/she has hurt you ) never says “I am sorry ” due to their sense of superiority and lack of accountability . Admitting that they hurt you is admitting they do “wrong” and that is never going to happen. Unless it serves his/her purpose. And if they do it ,they get very irritated for “having” to do it.
c) When the narcissist gets hurt ( because they do get hurt due to the same reason non-narcissists get hurt: unfulfilled expectations) :
they never let you know to avoid showing their vulnerability.
Deep inside we know that hurt is sometimes unavoidable due to unfulfilled expectations(even in a relationship with a non narcissist ).
So yes, that absolute statement is a warning sign.
Hej SuperXena,
I couldn’t agree more with you about the unfulfilled expectations causing hurt in all kinds of relationships. We do hurt each other in normal cases from being different individuals with differing concepts of life and love and hurt then will be inevitable. The narcissistic hurt though is like you point out something completely different since it’s intentional and on purpose and it’s revealed through the inability of this person to assume responsibility for any hurt he/she inflicts.
A loved one in my close vicinity is going through a difficult divorce right now. Both she and her husband are normals and they’ve been together for nineteen years, have two kids and have been through the usual intense love and hurt that’s part of any long lasting relationship. The way they go about their separation is amazing to me though. It makes me cry. Even though both are hurting badly they’re having the necessary conversations with each other, they’re reasonable, they’re going through their past life trying together to account for it, apologising, reflecting, assuming their responsibility and giving their past love the closure we all need to move on. That’s a huge difference from anything that I’ve experienced with my narcissist and I think one of the things I now mourn more than anything else is that kind of talk where the other person realises his/her part of what went wrong because that’s what closure represents in so many ways. When the other half constantly has a hidden agenda there can be no understanding and no closure. There’s always hurt being inflicted in love but when there’s also no insight into it; or no conscience at all; that’s when it wrecks lives.
Hej Catherine,
Thank you for your comment.
Yes, a divorce or the termination of a long(romantic) relationship is always tough. The aftermath process requires understanding what happened and finding closure.
I am glad to read that your friend has been able to talk about it with her ex.That is the ” healthy” way of processing it.
As we know now, you never get a closure from a narcissist so you have to find a closure yourself.
Now that you mentioned it and as a contrast, you may find two interesting articles ( if you have not read them) that describe what happens when narcissists collide. I think they describe the collision between lessers and mid rangers in different combinations and scenarios( professional, family, friends, romantic etc. ).
I believe there is no article yet describing what happens when Greaters collide with Greaters or with other schools.
When narcissists collide series:
https://narcsite.com/2018/02/07/when-narcissists-collide-part-one-5/
https://narcsite.com/2018/02/08/when-narcissists-collide-part-two-5/
Wow. *sigh* Thank you, Hg. This one really means a lot to me.
The future faking as a concept is a bit difficult for me to grasp, but I guess I’ll put this with my feeling about someone who says “Trust me” = don’t, bc if you could, they wouldn’t need to tell you.
The thing is, I said it to my narc.. and others.. (even you in a comment somewhere) that I don’t want to hurt you – yes, out of reassurance.. some people really need to seem to need it… Hmm…
Excellent food for thought.
You are welcome.
Once I figured out this game you play, and my heart was broken, not that anyone cares but me, I did confront him with the knowledge of NPD. He admitted it. Basically called all of us lovely ladies fools. What can I expect out of him? The silent treatment? Because I think you all are rather predictable in your actions. And the hurtful words. Also, are you taking out your mommy issues on nice women?
Mine said this along with the most potent assurance that I now afterwards think has been the most hurtful and difficult thing to get over for me. The “I will always protect you” because he then proceeded to tear me apart and I just never saw evil coming from someone I’d given all my trust. It still kills me.
Dear Catherine, I gave all my trust, too. I used to trust everyone and then he came along. Now I don’t trust anybody. I’m ripped apart. It is hard to fathom . . . Like, what just happened??? I’ve never known such evil. The pain was physical, mental and emotionally inflicted. Sometimes slowly. Calculated. I see a psychiatrist tomorrow with the first step toward getting my life back. Put me back together.
Dear anonymous, it sounds like our journey has been similar. I went through that kind of hurt too, both the psychological and the physical hurt, and I feel so sorry for what you’ve been through. Seeing someone about it is a good step! After this kind of soul wrenching experience we need professional help because the people around us although well intentioned and loving understandably just don’t get it never having been through anything like it themselves. I’ve been in therapy for about six months now I think and it helps. I hope you’ve found someone specialising in abusive relationships because you need that kind of support and validation. And then, just as important, please stay here and read the works of HG and interact with all of us here because we do understand what you’ve been through. It does wonders. HG provides a platform for healing like no other and I’m so grateful for that.
For me it’s been seven months since the breakup. How long has it been for you? I’m past the urgent need of the addiction to the man I was entangled with but I still suffer the consequences greatly. Like you say I have huge issues with trust. I haven’t tested the waters around me yet though, I haven’t opened up to any new people in my life, friends or otherwise, so I don’t know how it will feel like having to overcome these issues. All in good time though. Concentrate on yourself, dive headfirst into the journey of discovering yourself now, who you are, what you like and how you want to live your life. Also many of us here have the history of having been abused by personality disordered parents as well; it was a healing revelation to me; and if that’s the case with you please address it because that’s one of the paths to peace of mind. I hope we will be able to trust again. Hugs from afar!
i wish you well in your healing…you can get through this. You’ll come out even stronger.
I admire men with their feet firmly on the ground, I don’t like promises. I told my husband that the day I’ll dye, if still together, I’ll know I was the “love of his life”. Until that day, life unfolds: moment by moment. We try not to expect, just live. Expectations are roots to suffering, not love. We (women) meet a man and we already have a prototype of the ideal man in our mind. That’s a mistake. Getting to know the man, keeping the “eyes open” and accepting him the way he is or not: it is our right, of course, as long as we tell him the truth. Living in the past and imagining what we want from a man, instead of seeing what he is able to bring to the relationship’s “table” and what not (see how he truly is) =suffering.
“I do not know what the future will bring, I may hurt you, I may not, we do not know.” I put that into another expression I use:”not putting hands into the fire for myself, I can’t believe someone saying that he’s sure he won’t hurt me”. I become really cynical when I “smell” lies on their way to me.
Thank you. Yeah, number 2 said that. One flag that I did not ignore. Thanks again HG.
Hey 1J1!!! Nice to read you!!
Thanks ABB. How are ya?
What a series!! You keep surprising us with gems hg!
I was told ‘i never wanted to hurt you at all’ after he hurt me. Why is this hg? He did not use it as a future fake. Ty.
To expand, after he said it, he continued to hurt me, so it may have been to excuse himself frm hurting me further, as pointed out in the article.
Never heard that one.
I think if someone said that my reaction would be :”well I’d fckn HOPE not!”
I DID hear “I don’t want you to get hurt” – and I wasn’t hurt, cuz I knew I was. DLS and never expected more.
Ironically I’m the one who bailed, went NC and while I’m doing awesome, I suspect he’s the one hurting – for fuel, anyhow lol,😂 .if only a little. That’s pretty funny now that I think about it!
Hi W,
I assume you did not know he was married during the seduction. When did he tell you he was married? How long did you stay after you found out? What made you finally go nc? This info may help other dls’s. Ty.
Truth.