Ask The Question
You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.
“You look really well,you have lost weight.”
“That skirt really suits you.”
“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”
“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”
“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”
She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.
“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”
“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”
“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”
“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”
She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,
“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”
She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is your mind today?”
“What’s going on upstairs?”
Repeatedly throughout the day, as we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.
All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?
One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.
“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”
I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.
After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask
“What are you thinking about”
She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?
54 thoughts on “Ask The Question”
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Hurt God, you are indeed the Boss.
Fucking A I am, Carol!
Da Boss!
Yes he is! Too bad he is also The Heart of Evil, as perfectly advertised. A Byronean Hero in its best shape.
Da plane da plane! 😄
Hi RealitySets In and and Youdon’townme,
I asked a few days ago about mind control. Yours is a warlock? Mine’s a vampire- he’s even from Eastern Europe. Would appear and disappear (if only it could be from the face of the Earth) in an instant. Actually, narcissists are what they call energy/psychic vampires- not completely human, dead inside and doomed to roam about feeding off others, taking their life force and essence.
People often speak of being under someone’s spell, bewitched, etc etc.and then of a fog lifting when they wake up. That’s how it was for me, and I ‘m still figuring out more and more twisted things he did -it’s like peeling an onion. I realize he’s so maniacal that he never does anything unless he can kill two birds with one stone. I need a wooden stake, or at very least some garlic! No contact will have to do-for now. I just read Revenge. It is enlightening on so many levels- thanks HG!
MH
If your wild guess comment was to me…..lol….yes I ammmmm! Lol however I am not redneck with the rest of them down here! Lol I do not like country music or saying yee haaaa lol! I am far from hahahaha…funny how you guess I’m from the south. I’m in Texas! That is also something my ex greater narc would always bring up…we had many a convos about Texas mostly both of us making fun of them. However he was quite turned on by the south. He’s Canadian and lives in Canada. Anyways
Hi RealitySetsIn,
It was the “hell yeah” that really gave it away! I’m from a neighboring state- suffice it to say that Ihave a voodoo doll that’s gets used regularly! I love Texas. I live outside the US now. Be glad yours is far away!
Oh sorry- it was Youdon’townme who wrote “hell yeah” and who needed to piss like a racehorse- my comment was to her. But glad to hear that you’re one of us too RealitySetsIn- Don’t Mess with Texas!
MH
Oh okay lol….yeah cause many people don’t guess me a Texan lol….so yeah I was surprised but yeah you were talking to youdontownme…. lol…and yes don’t mess with Texas! However I’m not Texas proud sorry lol. I don’t even have an accent….I use way more proper language. I do not like country music @ ALL! Lol or rednecks or country men lol! Ok I’m done!
That was totally an asshole move on your part, but what was wrong with Sofie? She sounds just as scary. It seems like the cluster B’s attract to the Cluster C’s.
Hi j…sofie i think suffered from some form of ptsd. My guess is there were things in the relationship that were triggering past traumas and thats why she gravitated to this relationship in the first place bc it was “familiar”. There clearly was some devaluing going on and triangulation. This probably triggered her toxic coping mechanism of denial and dissociation. By never answering questions she could remain in her bubble and be “safe”.
I agree, J. Maybe Dependent PD.
I read this and I think “EVIL”. And then I realize (or am I just confused? What are your thoughts HG – I see the irony in that question) maybe this EVIL resides in me, not in you.
Because: N has said to me -in words and in silent treatments-: “You do NOT matter”. I know what he is (thanks, HG). And I still continue to allow him to destroy me. I am the evil one, towards myself (and therefore also towards the people that do care about me).
It is all a question of perspective.
I find it’s really not beneficial to label things as good or evil. Our willingness to let someone humiliate us is the product of childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse.
As children, we do the only thing we know to survive – for some, that means becoming extremely self-reliant, for others, extremely dependent on others… some become overly empathic (e.g. as a child I was intimately involved in my mother’s feelings, I was her sounding board, her confidante, later her therapist, and I realised that me listening to her and being supportive etc. made her feel better and made me feel worth something), some are emotionally stunted. In any case, I personally refuse to call my psychological makeup as “evil”. Damaged, yes – but damaged in a way that allowed me to survive until adulthood, when I am finally able to come to grips with my wounds and seek to heal them, because I can now protect myself from the one who is responsible for them – my mother.
It doesn’t matter what you call it…it is what it is and it is evil! Evil is evil no matter what you call it!
Hi morning sun …i agree in some regards but its naive to think evil doesnt exist bc it does. Psychopaths are evil and have done evil things. Evil does exist irregardless how it manifested.
Makes me think of how determined your kind are to win, no matter what. Your silent, sneaky way of positioning yourself to ambush others was something I had forgotten about. I’ve been away from him for 2 years now.
He did ambush me a few times (I was doing nothing unusual), but how many times was he there without my knowledge?? Very bizarre to have this occur to me after the fact. But then again, the “ah-ha” moments keep coming.
Could hook him up with my exes mother. Heard her say to her husband that she wanted to pee on him, she thought it was sexy. This while in front of her daughter and myself. No wonder the ex is all messed up. Seen and heard some strange shit in that house. Perhaps that’s their normal though.
This woman clearly has some form of ptsd and sensed she was in a bad situation.
What woman r u referencing, narc affair? If it’s the pissed, hell yeah she has PTSD.
Hi youdontownme…i was referencing the girl in the story.
Youdontownme,
Mind control, telepathy? Yes I’ve wondered that too so many times. Like I was wondering if my ex was like a warlock or something.? Or like a little devil manifested on the earth. Lol….seriously I know it’s kinda super imagination type stuff but they are seriously that bewildering!
Let me take a wild guess- you’re a fellow Southerner?
… Yes, a bad situation that was probably familiar to her. I presume she repeats those sentences after one of her parents/care-givers, who chose this as a survival strategy for being forced to live with an abuser – and wanted to protect this child by hammering this strategy in the childs mind:
‘Don’t think, only act. There is nothing to gain when you think about what is done to you. Don’t argue, he/she will always win. So dont think, just smile, give him/her all the credits, and he/she will go, and you will be safe.’
Off course she ends up with a lover who looks like her abuser. You provided her with the only sense of belonging she learnt, HG.
Please, please don’t tell me you are proud of this.
Hi shesaw…so true!! Its amaxing how we try to relive and get right our past by choosing whats familiar. Oddly itd be discomforting to have a whole healthy person. I ask myself why is that? I think its bc deep down many dont feel worthy and so they choose an abuser or someone theyre used to fearing the unknown of someone thatd treat them well. Maybe not measuring up….at least i know and understand the abuser and theyll accept me…maybe subconsciously this is in the mind?
Hi narc affair, you’re so right in how we seek out our past unconsciously to right what was done to us or because that’s what we’ve been programmed to know as normal in early years. For me I’ve realised I’ve been addicted to the drama, the upheaval, the constant suffering that I’ve equated with love from my narcissistic mother. I’ve thought love has to be given and then taken away again and again; I’ve considered being hurt is part of that glossy love package I’ve longed for all my life. Without drama life hasn’t felt that good even though I was never ever able to pinpoint that before. So I’ll stay in bed in my pyjama with my cup of tea and my Netflix watching drama only at a distance now; trying to enjoy not needing excitement all the time and trying to reprogram myself.. except for being at the gym right now to exhaust myself a bit in a preventative measure..ha ha..
Hi catherine…can i join you at the gym? 🙂 i know what you mean about the upheavel and being addicted to the unpredictable and the rollercoaster. Away from it you feel alone and depressed but i think being away long enough youd turn a corner and start to feel balanced and a sense of peace.
I have read several of your books, and it helped this empath completely understand all of it !! 3 months ago I had my ex narc arrested, thrown in jail (of course mommy bailed him out) and a 3 year restraining order in place by the time he got out the next day! Along with divorce papers that he refuses to sign. After 8 years of abuse he got the silver bullet! We share no children together so the no contact thing will be in place for eternity!
Iam dating a women who was in a 15 year abusive relationship with a narcissist, what can I do to understand what she went thru and what is goin on in her mind?
How long has she been no contact with her ex narc ?
Brian
Are there problems in the relationship due to her and this past relationship? Is that why you are reading this blog amd asking? i would assume that is the case. just curious.
This chills me to the bone….. you knew how to break her? Thought in the evilest of ways. Just reminds me of your capabilities of these monsters and will never underestimate again.
I use to be sugar. Then when he stood me up for church Xmas Eve, I had had enough of his b.s. and went into a rage. I took all my things and when he stepped outside to text ‘a friend’ I pissed on his bed, comforter, pillows, mattress pad. Soaked it. What does that say about me?
You have a large bladder?
I had to piss like a racehorse . . .
And that asshole chased after me and wanted me back. I locked my car doors and Saud something like are you f****ing kidding me? If someone did that to me, I wouldn’t ever talk to them again. He wanted makeup sex? Pew!!! He texted me later . . . he got off on it. Good riddance.
LMAO. Probably . . . .
HG,
You are too funny. I needed that laugh! And, when you typed your comment, you probably didn’t crack a smile, did you?
Correct.
Youdontownme
I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume that you are a male. Lol because I can’t see a woman being able to pull that one off….unless of course she pee pee’d in a cup and then poured it all over that stuff…. think it would be too hard for a woman squatting on all of that at once lol!!!!!
Reality, I am a woman, but I had a dress on but still managed to get a lot on myself . . . it was disgusting and Ive never done anything like that before. I was enraged . . . I was him . . . Like, do they have telepathy or mind control abilities cuz he is in my head.
Youdon’townme,
I just woke up and almost choked on my morning coffee reading about what you did to your narc after he stood you up for church . Ha ha.. way to go, but how on earth did you manage that?
Dear Catherine. It wasn’t very ladylike.
Youdon’townme,
I can imagine, but at least it was effective. I’m rooting for you! If I’d done that to my narc he’d be in intensive care right now; he was almost hospitalised from exploding with anger when asking me to proofread some work related papers and I pointed out a spelling mistake thinking I did it on purpose to spite him the nitwit!
That is just fabulous- I’ve been laughing for about 10 minutes now. What does it say about you? That he underestimated you.
LOL! OMG this is hilarious! I didn’t expect to read this. Hahaha.
BTW HG, I am reading Sitting Target atm. Very informative! But I will have a couple of questions once I finish.
Youdon’townme,
Yeah, they make us do some interesting things. But, its all fuel to them, well in your case, this time it was piss.
…I’m sorry, but HG comment/question back to you was too funny. We know how to set ourselves up for narcissistic satire.
She’s a sweetheart but I would have no patience for it. I’d rather starve of the fuel.
What I wouldn’t give to be like that woman! I think enough for 5 people or more. I also share too much of what is on my mind as well. Right now I am reading about intermittent reinforcement and how the poor rat keeps pushing the lever waiting for the morsel! Yes I think a lot! But forget being a rat! I’m through! Anytime I think to reach out to him I will just picture the rat! I must be smarter than the rat! I must never push the lever again. Just to think I’m some kind of experiment or was just pisses me off!
I must remember this when dealing with work narcs…absolutely KILL them with kindness and positivity…that is hilarious!!!! Must remember to be a “Stepford employee”
Be thankful you’re not a bubblehead as this.
Bibi
Lol that’s funny. But yeah being the way I am doesn’t seem to be getting me too many places or where I want to be in life either. I’m still without a successful relationship and alone. And there doesn’t look like any good prospects in my life. Unfortunately starting to feel that I will be spending the rest of my life alone. I’m middle aged and being the way I am has still not drawn the right kind of guy I rock my life. I may be alone for the rest of my life! 😫😭😳