Jealous Of Your Contentment
Granting you contentment is part of our design when we seduce you and grant you the golden period. The provision of your contentment at that juncture in our entanglement provides the luscious positive fuel to flow in our direction and all is well. We truly do delight in seeing you content with the illusion that we have woven for you. It is when you and us move into the stages of devaluation and discard that we regard your state of contentment in a wholly different manner,
During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with jealousy. Why should you be allowed to sit there satisfied, happy and relaxed? Why do you not suffer the repeated unease of the desire to gain fuel when those supplies become low? We look across the room at you, your features composed in an expression of peace. The envy rises and we despise the fact that you are sat in pleasant repose, seemingly all at ease with the world. We invariably associate that your composed appearance is achieved in order to annoy and frustrate us. You know don’t you? You know that we have this churning fury inside us which shifts and slides. You know that we have the growing hunger for fuel and how this creates a restlessness in us. You know all of this and yet you sit there, revelling in our discomfort. If you cared you would not be enjoying that book, talking on the ‘phone to a friend or watching your favourite television programme. No, if you loved us properly then you would be ensuring that this restlessness was banished and that our sense of power and might was reinstated. Your content state is being bandied about in front of us, teasing and provoking. You are mocking us because you are achieving something that is denied to us at that time. How dare you behave in this manner? How dare you forget about our needs? This is symptomatic of the selfishness we knew you possessed and now you wave it in our faces suggesting that somehow we are inferior to you. This will not do.
Your contentment at this stage amounts to a provocation and is tantamount to a criticism of us. You have achieved contentment whilst we experience restlessness and you know this don’t you? Oh, we know that you will pretend to be unaware of what you are doing, but we know your game. We are not fooled by these protestations of innocence so when we fling the dinner plate to the floor, shattering the plate and silence, causing you to jump up in fright, you knew it was coming. The plate lies broken and your contentment in one swift move is similarly smashed. You are not allowed to be content unless it is by our say so. We want you on tenterhooks, your nervous eyes looking to us for approval and consent. Exhibit any sign of being relaxed, at ease or content and we will take action to destroy that state in an instant. We will pick a fight, create an argument, call you a name, break something, interrupt you with an insult walk out and slam the door and so many other actions all designed to remove you from your contented position. When we see you like that, you remind us of what we cannot achieve at that time and we hate you for it.
It becomes worse when the relationship has ended. Whether you escaped us or we discarded you, there will come a point when we turn our sights on you again in order to extract that wonderful hoover fuel. It may be weeks or months later but we will have been undertaking observations in order to determine the most effective way of hoovering you. If we see you getting on with your life, radiating happiness and an air of contentment it infuriates us hugely. How dare you seem happy without us? You are meant to be broken and distraught, that is how the aftermath is supposed to be. Admittedly, it usually is, but every so often we may find that one of our victims has seized the power and advanced his or her position, forging through the emotion and formulating their recovery. It may be the case that we have seen you on one of the few good days, the bad days taking place where the world cannot see, but that does not matter to us. Should we witness you looking well, smiling, having lost weight, or looking fitter, dressing elegantly, meeting friends with laughter and smiles it wounds us considerably. You seem to have forgotten us. You are bound to us, forever, have you forgotten that this is the case? You are at our beck and call until the day either of us breathes our last, yet here you are striding across the street, hair glossy and styled, posture confident and uplifted and meeting somebody with a kiss and a broad smile. This was not meant to happen. You exude contentment, a confidence that we thought was shattered and unlikely to be rebuilt for some time. How did this happen? Who has caused this transformation from the sobbing wretch we left without so much as a goodbye to the contented person we now look at from the shadows? It may be a one-off, it may be a glimpse of something that is a work in progress, but such considerations do not matter when we see it. We are wounded by this display. You appear to no longer need us. Where is the stooped figure? The haunted individual with dark-circled eyes and pallid skin? Where is the comfort-eater that we mocked so horribly? Where has the lank-haired, nervous shuffling person we tormented gone to? This was not meant to happen. Ever.
Seeing you so content post escape or post discard is a massive criticism to us. The lesser or mid-range of our kind will most likely slink away, regarding this show of strength (temporary even though it may be) as evidencing somebody with defences high and radar warily sensitive. Any hoover would be doomed to hoover and might even result in further injurious harm. No, the lesser or mid-range will retreat and return to the new prospect that has been acquired and other sources of fuel and make a mental note that a hoover at this juncture is unlikely to meet with success. The Greater of our kind will seethe and glower, dismayed and wounded by this peacock performance. Unseen, we will send baleful glares your way as we formulate a way to pierce this shield of contentment. Schemes will be concocted once again in order to hammer this contentment into nothingness. The Greater may, if sufficiently motivated, spring forward and unless malign actions for the purpose of drawing negative fuel, preferring to adopt such a tactic rather than seek to draw the target back in. It is time to lash out and destroy rather than capture. Our fury is ignited and our calculating minds will ascertain that this can only be a veneer. It is far too soon for you to appear to content again, no matter how much it appears genuine. We want to halt the recovery before it gathers any more momentum and thus the Greater will unleash a savage malign hoover, smearing and hurling insults, dredging up those historic vulnerabilities in order to break the contentment again, just as we did those many months ago during devaluation. The ignited fury drives the Greater forward to shatter, break and destroy and if successful, then he or she knows that further malign assaults can be rolled out to cripple the recovery. Once the recovery has been derailed, the contentment eradicated and the veneer of confidence stripped, then the golden period can be dangled again before the quivering victim.
It never does to see you contented. This is why when we see it during devaluation you will suffer and adverse reaction. Following the cessation of the relationship it wounds us considerably and will generate a certain response dependent on the type of our kind that you were entangled with. The maintenance of contentment is indeed a blow against us.
32 thoughts on “Jealous Of Your Contentment”
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hg, my ex is an upper mid ranger and very elite somatic. I am a super magnetic empath. we “coparent” our daughter. Last year, he got easter with our daughter and used it for facade management and punish me
I get Easter this year. he is hoovering hard, using access to our daughter as his excuse. The magnet empath I am, when I have a holiday like easter, i go all out, not to be arrogant or showy, but i want it to be a magical experience for everyone and am throwing dinners and events for friends and family all weekend. I hired a professional photographer to take photos of the kids for family gifts. the narcissist highly praised my efforts for doing that, he recieved extra fuel and facade points for that. but out of no where he wanted me to know I have become less attractive lately, i am probably spending his child support at the bar, and he think I’m hiding my love life from him even though no man will ever want me according to him. then he blocked me from all communication evem though I was neutral and my usual mellow self. why did he go from the constant Hoover’s, to blocking me.? It’s like he messed with his own head and not mine
Dear Mr Tudor,
Does that mean … jealousy’s a curse ?
When youre content it means youre taking the narcissist for granted. If they cant have inner peace then you most certainly cant! You should always be on your toes walking og eggshells trying to please them and never sure of yourself. Even then itll never be good enough.
Dear Mr. Tudor,
why a narcissist who discards the victim (dis-enages) reacts to her smalltalks with other men online by liking these men’s comments? I know it’s a hoover and call for attention but it’s really strange – typically if an ex is jealous, the last thing he would do is liking “competitor’s” post in his flirty banter with narc’s ex.
I don’t get it.
Triangulation to gain fuel.
Hi tex….i had this happen with my narc on a site we both belonged to. He was posing under a different alias but i knew it was him. He would like other guys posts to me. They werent always flirty posts but still i found it odd. I now know why he was doing this. It was to prove to me and possibly to himself that …”it didnt bother him”. I know it did tho. It backfired bc i know it was his way of saying to me he didnt care but the fact he did this said otherwise. Its a cover up. They feel more in control by liking the comments then to sit idle reading them and doing nothing and let it eat them alive inside. They cant retaliate bc theyd be showing it bothers them. A lesser narc would probably have a kneejerk reaction but a greater would think it out how they react if they do.
This liking of a competitors comment is an insult to the one its sent to basically saying i care so little about you im liking another guys comment to you. Its a passive aggressive move meant to insult and confuse. Its also meant to take away anything good from the comment. If you look deeper youll see it really does bother the narc and this is their way of covering it up.
Hope that helps. Sorry to intervene in your question but ive had this happen before.
On my….. you are far better healed than I am at this point! Congrats– I still want ‘Revenge’—- and I am enjoying getting it….. perhaps in a while I will be at your point!
I also see that with more logical thinking compare to emotional thinking I care less and there before I am more truly contented… Not even a game, I don’t feel half hurt of what I was feeling before, it’s like before the ” fuck it” but right after the logical thinking is invading me. So I do feel content … Really content. Does not matter the effect on my Narc.
It makes absolutely no sense how narcs think ! I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want you to be happy either without me. I want you to want me and be miserable because I won’t let you have me but I will flaunt in front of you all those I let in. How dare you move on with someone else and forget how much you want me. I don’t like how you improved yourself financially and did not let yourself go like I did. You just wait and see I will get you to notice me again then everyone will see despite all your goodness and resistance that I am so great then thanks goodbye.
They are Truly SICK mfs, aren’t they?… Lollll😂
This appearance of contentment can work for the victim, too. On good days, I can be strong and remember my Marcus Aurelius: “Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears,” which was loosely paraphrased by Sir Robert Bolt in his screenplay, when the classically educated T.E. Lawrence puts a match out with his bare fingers and says, “Certainly it hurts. The trick is not minding that it hurts!”
“The maintenance of contentment is indeed a blow against us”. Excellent write up HG, once again.
But what would be your suggestion towards the victim so that the greater will leave us? I know not for good but at least they will consider that they will be wounded more and more…
Do you mean so that the Greater would disengage from you or do you can so that the Greater will leave you alone, i.e. stop hoovering you?
Exactly. He should leave since it’s not providing him fuel rather wounding him. Can I expect that? And what to do to make that happen? Need your kind suggestion.
You may expect it as a possibility but not a certainty, especially with a Greater. The most effective way is to implement a rigid no contact regime – if there is no way of getting through that, we cannot hoover. If a hoover does get through, do not respond, do not provide fuel (or provide as little as possible).
It would appear that narcissists are subject to emotional thinking, too, although the mechanisms are a bit different than in empaths. Since emotional thinking is a weakness that can be exploited in order to either defend/protect oneself or wound, HG is truly giving us weapons against narcissists to use as we see fit. Thank you – we will.
There it is. Once you learn the narcissist and their ways and are able to reign in your emotions at the games they play, you definitely have he upper hand. It’s taken me a good 2 Year’s to get to this point, but once there, you’re good to go.
Not only does this give you strength to deal with the narc, but it definitely gives you confidence to deal with others as well, down the line. Nothing is worse than the narc, and if you can make it through the Narcissist’s Spartan Training (Agoge), and many don’t, then you are a specimen indeed.
Love this! Agoge!!! Perfect analogy!
So is a vic’s Contentment considered Challenge Fuel for the narc? And if Contentment is indeed regarded as fuel anyway, then isnt it all doom for victims if they ever really get away with No Contact and fulfil Contentment through Exorcism?
No, it wounds because the contentment is not aimed at the narcissist and therefore is not fuel.
so for example, if I am achieving No Contact through strict unanswered emails and ignoring/not seeing social media messages and taunts, does it would the narc as he tries in vain to reach out to me and devalue me? Am I providing fuel in any way since those methods have not ceased for years? I thought I achieved Contentment and No Contact but he seems to keep being challenged to try new ways to break these. How does he even know to continue his pursuit and campaign when I am achieving No Contact?
still have not been ‘intimate’ with new guy– told him I need a year to work out the shit from the ex—–so no I am not a tramp!!!!
You are so correct HG– after what he has done to me – he hates it! He He is calling all the time- I don’t answer most calls– after all I am busy. When I do decide to see him- I wear the the very expensive clothes the new guy has bought — it does not go unnoticed. Now ex- narc wants to fix my car , pay for my trip with the ‘girls’—-I smile and say “no worries, it is all covered.” Sadly though, the new guy was in an international waiting lounge at the airport and the ex -narc walked in with his ‘courtiers’ and new guy wanted to rip his throat out…… ahh but I am not responsible for that— perhaps I have a new narc????? Or, am I finally becoming one??!!! Oh my!!!!
the BEST revenge is when you have been disengaged from and they contact you– repeatedly because you do not answer the phone– NOT because you are ignoring them– BUT because you are out living your life and being happy! Then when you do connect- you do not ask about their life– but go on about how amazing your life is. THEN, meet them for a drink 20 pounds lighter, clear skin, great smile and truly oooooozeee calm, happiness and zen!!!! Will drive them crazy…….. make sure your phone is on silent but buzzing the entire time… if they notice smile and say– “I am with you now, they can wait.” Then make sure when ‘they’ call you do not answer– after all you are with friends…. and it would be rude to answer a call when with friends!!!!
Yes! I did this for my final “farewell” dinner with my ex narc. I looked (and felt) a million dollars…. his face when I walked in the restaurant was priceless. I honestly have never felt so confident and sexy in my life. He obviously thought it was all for him, and when I casually mentioned I was meeting friends after dinner to go bar hopping…. well, I could feel the simmering rage! ( never mind the fact that he had already installed a new IPPS and moved in with her! )
Well, he crapped on about the same boring bullshit…. seriously, I’m surprised I didn’t fall asleep at the table…. I proceeded to tell him all about my travels, my new hobbies, my success at work etc.
I left the restaurant on an absolute high! I’d done it! I was free! Good riddance!
But did I stay on my white horse? Nope! After a few wines and cocktails I ended up texting him the good ol “I miss you so much, we were so special together, please reconsider”
Arggghhhhhh….. my perfect exit completely ruined!
He blocked me on all platforms out of respect for his girlfriend. So, I still got the escape, just not on my own terms 🙁
Crap.
I guess snarkily stating to a Greater (in the dead of night/over the phone): “Go ahead and do what you’re going to do — I’ll always be happy and okay, and you’ll always be, well, YOU” was *not* the way to go?
Yes, word-for-word – that is the last thing I foolishly said at his last provocation, before I hung up on him and went NC.
When I screw up, I go big. I’m so sad… I’m in for a very bad time.
Caroline. Just seeing this….day late dollar short…..and it did cause me to ROFLMAO.
I certainly hope nothing bad happened but it gave me a bright spot on a dreary fall day
Hi, Kim E,
Funny you should ask… it’s a long story~with many twists and turns (in other words, too long to bother you with!)~but we are functional friends… of course, I’m a “regular” (thinking/feeling) friend — and he’s a cognitive friend… but with boundaries and his brother as a gatekeeper, it’s just like any other friend in my life… except, of course, that he’s a narcissist. There are reasons I chose to do this, and I’m peaceful with it.
There are firm boundaries. I took the knowledge I gained + my caring heart + my intuition/wisdom, and I did what I wanted to do, from a place of emotional strength but logic… it’s unconventional, but there is a good purpose to it, and it’s gratifying to experience that.
He’s actually not that bad of a friend. Low-maintenance. He makes me laugh in ways others can’t, which I value. There are times he’ll surprise me… like about a month ago, I was grieving a loss (friend)… and I was in bed for a few days, just not yet able to get it together. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. Everyone else just let me be, but he called and said, “Girl, you need to get a grip now, because what good does this do? This isn’t like you, and it’s time to get back in the game. Get up and take a shower, and eat something. I’ll call you back later today, if I’m not too busy…and you know what hard-edged bastard I can be, so at least make something up that you ate.”
For him, that’s about as “caring” as he gets, lol… but heck if it didn’t take a narcissist to get me out of my funk. He appeals to my logical side sometimes, when nobody else does (ironic).
He’d rather have me in his life like this — and he doesn’t disturb my life… and I’m trying to slowly move him to go to therapy. All else is fine with me, and I’m busy in all other areas of my life. I’m good.
I hope you are doing well! XO… thanks for the sweet reply to my goofball post. I’m still goofy… some things never change.
Oh, and this IS the way shorter version, lol
Good Morning Caroline
I actually envy you in your “friendship”. I wish I could have it the same way but alas I am still trying to wash him out of my brain and it is an uphill ordeal. I have gone NC but the thoughts are still there. The panic that arises when I realize I will never see or hear from him again
And then I think why would you want to. Time to move on. He is just a shell. It as all an illusion. He can not feel. He will never WANT to have sex with you just to feel you close to him. The list goes on and on
My emotional thinking is still overwhelming my logical
And that makes NC even more maddening than he is.
I have enough of me left to say “ OH HELL NO. I will not sit on this shelf in my little compartment while you are out there”.
I do not hate him. Might be easier if I did. I know what he is and for whatever the reason he became that way that is how he is.
Sorry for the rambling……
Kim E,
You are doing all the right things! Keep in mind, I was his girlfriend (IPPS) quite a ways back, so I am not at the same place myself (or with him) today. Plus, my set of circumstances with this are pretty darn weird, so I in no way am advocating (friends) it is doable for everyone… or anyone, really. I’m trying to be responsible in not steering any empath wrong.
You’re so wise to recognize your emotional thinking and longing/missing – to know what it is you need to do – and still do it, even though it’s painful and uncomfortable. I am so sorry it has to be that way… but it was for me when I left him, too (after 3 years). It was awful, and I really understand…I never thought all that heartache/pain would ever go away, and I didn’t even know he was a narcissist. But it did lessen, and go away eventually, in all ways that bring relief and restoration. It will for you also! It’s just time, and going through it, one brave day after another.
Be really proud of the strength you are showing, and keep pressing at it. Please let me know any way I can support you — ping me anytime on the site, as I come and go (with big gaps, in-between).
I think it’s actually great that you don’t hate… that is credit to who you are, and I swear that will bode well for you, in full recovery. In my opinion, loving/caring/not hating despite being wronged shows great emotional strength. It means he doesn’t change you — your core self is that strong, including your ability to be vulnerable and not bitter — YOU are that amazingly strong. It’s a big deal!
I muddled through, with no family/friends really understanding what I was going through during so much of that (who could?), but I cried when I needed to…I distracted myself with friends when I could… and days turned into weeks, and into months and years… life is merciful to pave over and onto new roads. You will get there. Be gentle with yourself on the journey. You’ll grow stronger, I promise.
I’ve never said this on the site before, but I will say it now, to you, so you can have real hope. I take it serious to say it, and I only say it for myself, and my experience: I would not change what I went through. I have grown so much, and even more joy did come later as off-shoots to that very real struggle. I’m definitely an even more joyful person, and I feel I have more to give others, in many ways — not less.
So hang in there. I understand it all… and you are going to be okay, Kim. I’m proud of you… I’m here if you need me. Reach out any time.
Heh heh , my ex lesser (or LMR, possibly) sent out the troops to deliver a pity play, with the intention of hoovering me back into the fold.
They returned to tell him I Was happier than ever before, looked great, was doing very well, and did NOT intend to break NC –EVER.
It was reported back to me that he was not at all happy to hear this.
Sucker
You are still on Revenge mode tho. Not Contentment. The whole concept of breakthrough is to achieve Contentment. To be disaffected by everything about the Narc, even his reactions ought to not be for gloat, triumph let alone even scintillate you. Need to Exorcise him from your being. Completely.