Excuses Equals Endangered
The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.
The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further goes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.
Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, an occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support our manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have used a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.
- He is just tired; it makes him snap.
- He doesn’t mean it, not really.
- You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
- He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
- Work is particularly stressful for him.
- He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
- I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
- He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
- He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
- It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
- I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
- Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
- He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
- He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
- I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
- He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
- You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
- Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
- All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
- You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
- It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
- I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
- You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
- You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be pleased for us, for my sake?
- I’m sorry, it was my fault.
Sound familiar?
14 thoughts on “Excuses Equals Endangered”
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All these – I made the mistake of disclosing information to some of my recent ex’s flying monkeys. anyway it was a way for me to test if they in fact were flying monkeys because -I’d had a more casual conversation with them and it wasn’t clear ..so I wrote an email to the fm couple-and kind of went for the jugular about my ex. and I found out yes they are flying monkeys defending the delusion that they have fallen into. They use the word discreet. But that doesn’t even make sense in a friendship. But it certainly serves the narcissist because it’s a word she apparently uses with tham that basically says” I tell you what I want to tell you and I hide everything else”. So to me it shows that they are pretty shallow people who choose to only know a person to a certain level and allow them to be a closed book . Say it was disappointing to see that adults are like this -but they don’t experience the bad shit- They are kind of secondary if not tertiary sources and there’s limited truth to their relationship.
She’s discreet—- about? Day to day life…? SMH…
All these.
Mr Rogers – ’50s family values icon? That’s what Hitchcock’s film Psycho was also about, the hypocrisies of moral authority and the way it leaves people emotionally immature, repressed and thus exposed to darker sides of life. So it was never a good protector of people against ‘corrupting influences’ outside traditional institutions, nor did it protect us from abuse of authority within.
When I blurted out to Narc’s BIL that I had been cheated on the last four years, his reaction “I’m shocked because this is the happiest I’ve ever seen him since he’s been with you”
When I asked my Narc’s ex step-daughter if he ever had rages in front of her or cheated on her mom, her reaction “ he goes Into a rage over nothing, always acted like a 2 yr old, when didn’t he cheat on my mom. Are you getting out cause he’s never changing”
there are 2 camps…the illusion double speak camp & the I see u fucker camp.
I never used one of these excuses for him, but I heard them all by his family, by his friends, by his workmates. He had them all under control. They all saw his “fragile” ego. Besides one of his “friends” who told me, “You are the first one who resists.” I did not understand that comment when it was said. And his friend was punished a little bit later and then – under control again.
How much did his parents hope that I would be the one to change him, to make things better! When I failed this “job”, I was the bad one. What a sick family! They all avoided responsibility and tried to put it on me. Not only the guilt, but also the responsibility. What a huge balloon of sick dreamers.
No wonder, that I was treated so worse. I showed them reality. They could not stand it. They could not look into the mirror and see the whole truth. They all were not able to face their own character faults. They did their best and it was not good enough. And deep inside- they know it.
I wanted HG and others to see this trailer on Fred Rogers as I believe he is relevant. This is the Ultimate Empath. This is Super Empath Carrier Extraordinaire. This man was a saint. He was a wonderful, extraordinary person.
HG. I think the same of you. There is much good in you, lest you would not extend your help as you do.
I don’t think of myself as a love devotee in that classic sense. I abhor triteness, largely because it comes off as insincere. But Mr. Rogers lived it. When it works it works. And in this case, it damn well worked.
Bibi, imagine HG ala a revamped Mr. Rogers program! “Good day empaths” as he takes off his coat, hangs it on the hook, puts his sweater on and changes into his house slippers. “Today we learn about Hoovers.” Just another program idea for Narc Angel’s All Narc Network! Mr. Rogers was a legend, a rock star! Love your post!
“This man was a saint. He was a wonderful, extraordinary person.
HG. I think the same of you. There is much good in you, lest you would not extend your help as you do.”
Ahhh, emotional thinking/delusion at work. Narcs just lapp that stuff up!
I believe that the most you can hope for with a narcissist is that they meet their needs and interests in a way that is good for others, too. If a narcissist decides to move in this more symbiotic and less parasitic direction, that’s amazing and extraordinary indeed. But essentially, the narcissist is beyond good and evil in the sense that they neither ascribe to these concepts nor feel bound by them in any way.
Also, I’m not sure a narcissist can be satisfied with only positive fuel. As HG has stated many times, after a while it grows stale and in order to maintain a sense of self(-importance), negative fuel must be obtained.
I am not delusional to say I think there is goodness to be found in HG, but that doesn’t mean the negatives are overlooked. I don’t make excuses for them. The very fact of what HG is…is what enables him to give the insight he does. Double edged sword I suppose?
But it’s true, I don’t know either of them–just personas. I just thought it was a nice trailer and went well with the idea of trying to see the good in people who are able to offer a kind of goodness. But that doesn’t mean dismissing the negatives.
I never thought I’d be accused of ’emotional thinking’ but I suppose it’s fair enough. And negative fuel–there is a reason we all remain tertiary sources.
No accusation here, Bibi, just stating what I think is a fact. Ascribing the concept of innate goodness/evil to a narcissist’s actions easily ends up muddying the waters and leaving us vulnerable to becoming attached to them – or rather, to our idea of them.
I respect and value HG, and the fact that he is writing about narcissism, a lot and I am thankful for it. I also find him brilliant, charming, and witty. He sure does a lot of good, yes, both here and I’m sure also in his job and personal life. But that doesn’t mean there is inherent goodness – or evil – in him. The good narcissists do serves them, too, and they only do it for as long as it serves them.
Accurate.
Thanks for clarifying, Morning Sun. And I do agree with what you say. I probably got a little carried away in the moment b/c the trailer brought me back to my childhood.
Bibi, I do not know him. But…. if something sounds too good, there is always something wrong behind it. That is one sign! Don`t you listen to HG? Everyone has a dark side. It sounds too good to be true.
Who? HG or Mr. Rogers? I don’t know if everyone has a dark side. I think to say that is to overlook that fact that there are good people out there who are truly genuine in that goodness.