The Narcissistic Covenant
There is a covenant which exists between you and I, between our kind and your kind. It is not necessary for you to provide consent to this covenant in order for it to be binding. You do not know that this covenant exists but it does. Its terms govern the relationship between us and you, whether you are entangled with the Lesser of our kind, the Mid-Range of the Greater. It matters not. The covenant applied from the moment that we selected you to be our victim. There are ten parts to this covenant and they reflect the mind set and attitude of our kind towards you and how you and I interact. There is little doubt that in looking back at your entanglement with us you will recognise certain elements of this but whilst you were very much in our grip, you would have no idea that these were the terms which governed our treatment of you.
- You were chosen
Our ensnaring of you might have been portrayed as chance, a piece of serendipity but it was not. You were chosen to be our victim. The Lesser will have instinctively recognised your potential without knowing why. The Mid-Range will have applied some thought to the process, potentially dismissing less favourable candidates. The Greater identified you, monitored you and then moved in for the “kill”. In every instance you were chosen.
- You belong to us
You are an object to us. An appliance. Therefore, we are able to assert proprietary rights over you just as we would with some other kind of object or chattel. Since we own you, we choose what to do with you, without recourse to you or anybody else. This is our inalienable right.
- You exist solely for our purposes
We are the centre of your world, the heart of your universe and at all times everything that you do should be focused on us, for our benefit and advancement. You do not exist for your family. You do not exist for our children. You do not exist for your friends, colleagues, fellow members of a club or congregation. We are all that matters to you.
- This is forever
This covenant lasts for ever. In our minds it is one that exists in perpetuity for we do not wish to contemplate our own demise and care nothing for yours, other than it inconveniencing us by the interruption to our supply of fuel. This relationship transcends all others. You may have told us that you do not wish to be “with us” any longer. You may have broken off the engagement or divorced us. In our mind all that you have done is end the Formal Relationship which is something that people lesser than our kind engage in with one another and that which we accede to for the sake of fitting in. In our minds our relationship exists beyond this Formal Relationship. This is the Narcissistic Relationship and means we remain entitled to effect the terms of this covenant against you at all times until your last breath or our last breath.
- This is totalitarian
There is no limit to our power over you. We are entitled to and we will exercise our right to, govern every facet of your life, interfere in everything that you do, monitor you and control you in order to achieve our aims. You must accept that you are entirely subservient to us.
- You cannot end this covenant
You have no rights under this covenant. You cannot bring about its unilateral termination. Indeed, it cannot be ended at all. You are not able to state that its terms are inapplicable to you, that it has no jurisdiction or effect over you. Such protestations are invalid.
- We owe you nothing
We are entitled to do as we please without challenge, question or restraint. We have no obligation to do anything for you. We have no compulsion to act in your interests, have regard to your opinion, your feelings or your desires. If we do so, it will only be for the advancement of our position.
- Fuel provision is paramount
The provision of fuel is above all else. This is in terms of what you must provide to us and also in allows us to seek fuel from other sources, whenever we deem necessary and howsoever we choose. Concepts of fidelity and monogamy are null and void with regard to this part of the covenant. Issues of protocol and etiquette and meaningless.
- The Ends Justifies the Means
The covenant grants us carte blanche to do what is necessary for our purposes. This is supported by our concept of total entitlement and the fact that we have no accountability, culpability or blameworthiness for any of our actions. Whatever needs to be done will be done to ensure the furtherance of our agenda, aims and needs.
- We are the Victim
We are the victim in all of this. This is why the covenant exists by reason to compensate us for all of the outrageous injustices, misfortunes, unfairness and hardships that this cruel and feckless world has meted out to us.
37 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Covenant”
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It just blows my mind the control he has over me the 2nd time around. Much more than the first. I feel at times like I have boulders in my shoes and cant move. I will be places and the anxiety is so bad I have to leave. And this being a IPSS sucks also. I am better that that. I at least rate refrigerator status.
Not quite ready to tell him to FO but there are days that the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. Worst days are…….cant pin point worst days. A lot of days I wake up with tears in my eyes saying to myself “WTH are you doing”. Looking for the strength . Just not quite there yet. I try to tell myself to just go on with my day to day and if he contacts me, ok. I will be sitting here working not even thinking of him and WHAM!!!!! Anxiety, nervousness, longing,missing.
I am pretty good at not texting…to stubborn to give in. Maybe there is hope……….
Thanks for all the inspiration and letting me ramble.
And thanks HG for helping your humble empath understand what the hell is going on.
You are welcome.
Kim, if I may give you an advice is to keep on reading HG’s work. If you can afford it (if you not already did), maybe try to consult with him. For me that was the turning point, he gives you lots of answers and provides great advice for your own situation. It is very courageous of you to admit the addiction and be able to recognise what is healthy and what not. This blog is the best way in my opinion to keep on learning and when the time comes, hopefully you will be able to make the right decision. Much strength to you.
Hi Kim, I was compelled to respond to your post as I can relate to everything you are experiencing. I have been there. I am very sorry you are suffering. This is probably one of the most painful experiences I have ever been through. I felt the exact same anxiety, nervousness, longing, missing, pain so excruciating it feels like you cannot breathe, waking up with tears in my eyes, getting triggered by places, things, having nightmares, etc. This is PTSD (C-PTSD) and trauma bonding/ betrayal bonding at work. There is no other way to heal but go and stay NC. Nothing will work and you will not heal if you continue engaging with the narc. Even intermittent and brief interactions through just electronic means will keep feeding your addiction and you stuck. You must stay NC and go through the pain of withdrawal. It will hurt, yes. But continuing engaging with the narc will hurt too. Since it will hurt either way, why not choose what will have a good outcome – your freedom and healing? You can do this. There used to be times when going without contact for just a few days was unbearably painful. I am approaching 7 months of NC now. All these symptoms are no longer intense or frequent. His hold on me is releasing slowly but surely. Not being someone’s puppet is a wonderful feeling. You can do this, Kim! Wishing you peace and healing.
Thanks IL. I believe part of my issue is the first time around I did not realize what was going on or how tightly I was bound to him. I found out he was married and I basically pulled away. (He still does not know that I know he is married. Figured it might be a good thing to keep in my back pocket) I got a corrective devaluation but at the time it might as well been a ticket to North Dakota because I had NO IDEA what it was. He disengaged, painted me black and deleted me. By that time I also did not care that he was married….I just wanted him.
I found HG and started sending him emails regarding what the heck was going on. He has helped me understand why my MMN does what he does.
BUT the issue for me is I saw none of the BAD. I was still in the golden period so have no bad memories to reflect back onto. I figured when I broke it off, he was just ignoring me like a “Normal” person does after a break up.
I hate to say it but I know the way my brain worked even before him and I need to see and experience that bad before I will become pissed off enough to tell him to FO. I might at that point in time let him know that I knew about the wife and wish him nothing but the best. He can have my last departing surges of fuel.
This will also be difficult as we are neighbors, ride the same train most days in and out of the city and work within walking distance of each other. I know…I know….excuses…excuses.
Thanks for replying so quickly. And excuse my rambling
Thank you, Nuit. You are absolutely right about getting more validation out of writing it out than talking to a narc. You sound pretty strong. I hope you are way on your way to healing.
I wish the same for all of us but it is nice to know we aren’t alone in our struggle.
Yes, Insatiable Learner, me too. I had to make a list of all the manipulations, lies, and bad things about my narc and when ET tries to take hold, I review the list and repeat it out loud. Sorry for your pain.
Thanks so much, Geyserempath. I appreciate it. I have been thinking about starting to journal and make a list like yours but have not yet. I will do it as soon as possible. I am sure seeing it all written out will be therapeutic. Hope you are feeling better. Very best!
Yes, IL – HIGHLY recommend a journal = I also use this to express myself when I’m tempted to reach out to the narc – I grab my journal & write there instead. Frankly, it’s more validating, more useful, more pleasant than attempting a non-conversation with a narc!
Agreed about writing and keeping a journal. It helps so much. I wrote a whole book crazily enough and just got it all down on paper. In the end I didn’t even want to finish it because I felt he didn’t deserve all that kind of attention from me (although he doesn’t know about it of course) but it was a healing process I’m grateful to now. I had to look at everything that ever happened between us once again; I had to face the abuse once more and what happened to me was that when I did that it lost most of its symbolic and emotional hold on me; I could let it go. And in the end I was bored out of my mind too.. haha.. Write, write, write!
I think the most difficult thing is that what we thought was real is an illusion. It doesn’t matter how well life is going, or how much you truly have going for you. It is like being kicked in the chest when no one is looking.
Thank you, Wounded. I like Fall Out Boys and will listen to the songs you suggested. Amazing you said this that it does not matter how well life is going. Indeed, I have a lot of great things going on in my life I am very thankful for but somehow the pain at times overshadows all of it and nothing seems to matter. Betrayal is the worst. Betrayal of the illusion, lies, empty promises, false proclamations of love and connection. I am sorry you are struggling. Wishing you to find peace and healing soon.
Hi Insatiable learner.. this happens to me too at times in that i miss his “nice side” but my way to deal with it is to remember the outweigh of grief confusion and deceit he put me through during devaluation after i found out he was cheating on his wife after he told me i was his only one.. to this day it makes me ropable even a year on and no contact. Just want him to be held accountable for his horrible actions and his deceit.
Thank you, TiddlyWink. Yes, I try the same. When I think of his good qualities, I immediately switch to his cruelties, manipulations, and deceit. It helps some. I appreciate you sharing! Sending positive thoughts your way!
Hi Wounded,
To be honest, realising that what I and him had was an illusion is one of the things that helped me the MOST.
One can’t really lose something they never had (and something a narcissist could NEVER give anyone by the way).
But I know it takes time to get over the emotional infection.
Yes, Insatiable. I do too. If I might pass along two songs, not sure of your music taste.
Fight Song, Rachel Platten
Novocaine, Fall Out Boys
Not sure where to post this but does anyone else experience this where you feel pretty good and glad the narc is out of your life and then suddenly for no apparent reason, you may feel anxious and hurt all over again? I am so tired of these fluctuations. Anyone can relate? Advice on how to deal with it? Thank you!
It could be PTSS (post-traumatic stress syndrome). Does it happen under specific circumstances? See if you can find a trigger.
I have PMDD (nastier versin of PMS) and during that time I get anxious, depressed etc. I’m currently on medication (Zoloft) and it’s helped me a lot. Otherwise, I hear that practicing mindfulness can do wonders.
Hello MorningSun. Thank you so much for your response! Sometimes I recognize triggers and either try to avoid them or pass through them as quickly as possible but sometimes I am not sure what exactly brings about anxiety and feelings of hurt. I am sorry you are suffering from PMDD. Glad your medication is helping. It’s very helpful to know I am not alone in this although, of course, I would not wish this on anyone. Peace and healing to you.
Yes, I do Insatiable Learner. Still I sometimes do. I’ve become so much stronger now and like you point out I feel lucky to have gotten away from him and then suddenly the pain descends on me in my unguarded moments and the feelings are intense and almost make me lose my newfound balance in a second. Mostly I’m reminded by something when this happens, I may walk past a restaurant where we used to go or it might be that I’m reminded of his smell or a conversation we had. It’s pure hell! I try to take some deep breaths and just allow myself to experience the moment; I’ve discovered that those very intense emotions don’t last that long and afterwards I try to think more logically about it all. I don’t know how to deal with those painful flashes of something so utterly lost to me in another way. I try to keep busy and it gets better and better, but there’s no way to stay away from the pain all the time. I guess it’s part of healing and what I’ve learned from it is that my mind is like a clear blue sky. Clouds may pass by, it might rain or snow, it might be windy and cold some days or moments, but emotions can be just like weather. It will pass; they will pass if you just let them and don’t hold onto to them. You just have to get through it. In the beginning I couldn’t see the light at all, now I do.
I hope my explanation of how I feel is not too confused. But it helps me to read your comment and know that we’re all going through the same thing.
Hello Catherine. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I like the sky and weather analogy. Very true. I do feel like there are more sunny days now than there used to be. I am hanging on to that hope that it will only get better from here. I am glad my comment was of help and validation to you. Wishing you speedy healing.
And a speedy healing to you too! It’ll get better. It’s just exhausting when you’ve reached a certain step on your ladder and you seem stuck for awhile in some kind of limbo. That’s where I’m at now a lot of the time. I feel better, I see the light, I certainly don’t want to descend again, but I feel empty, stuck, angry because at the same time I feel so damaged emotionally and I wish for that damage to never have happened because the repercussions of this kind of abuse are so difficult leave behind. I guess it’s all part of the process though and I’m trying not to let it get to me that much.
Yes I do very often . I think it will take some time . Maybe because they present themselves as the missing piece of your puzzle . I do think figuring out own “guilty – plessure “ and Role in this “ entanglement “ will lead to a New chapter .
Time Will Tell ..
Thank you, SweetestTaboo. I appreciate your response. They do indeed present themselves as someone incredibly special, like a kindred spirit, a missing piece, like you stated. Cognitive dissonance is still strong at times. Trying to build that logic vessel. Very best to you!
I’m guessing HG would say it’s emotional thinking …. but I get that way too … it hurts all over …. like you’re grieving them again ….
Thank you, Pbw. Indeed, it does feel like grieving. I am sorry for your pain. Hope you feel better and heal sooner rather than later.
HG is helping by way of reading and his consults… unfortunately I work with mine so almost every day is black or white and a hoover… but thank you
Hi IL. Yes, I feel good he’s gone and then a thought will pop in my head, I should text that so-and-so becuz I forgot to tell him . . . blah, blah, blah. It happens every day, several times a day. I just get busy doing something, anything, take a walk, particularly because like you I am battling depression. And I relate to all of it–the anxiety and hurt. And anger. I hope this helped.
Thanks so much, Melinda! This was very validating and comforting. I appreciate your response very much. I will try to keep myself more busy and look for distractions to avoid rumination. Very best to you on your healing journey.
To quote Sigmund Freud, “Before you diagnose yourself as depressed or (have) low self-esteem, first make sure that you are, in fact, (not) just surrounded by (a great deal of ) assholes.”
Thanks for compliments. As hard as it is some days, just get out of your mind and do something physical. I promise you, you will feel better. I just made a list of all the things I want to do and learn about . . . life will be more beautiful each and every day we just keep living. The best revenge is living and having a good life.
I am actually starting to be thankful that I had the relationship (and I was sexually assaulted by him) . . . because I learned so much. I dont know what I want, but I know what I dont want in a relationship. Right now Im trying to have a relationship with myself–love myself as much as I loved him. I’m lucky to be alive and Im only about 3 weeks into this reconditioning process.
Your no doubt further along than me. Keep up the good work.
HG, what do you think, if anything, when you read that we support each other?
You are being the empaths you are. I’m not going to do it am I? It is part of the constructive fabric of this place. I will give you the brutal truth and accurate insight and you good readers can do the hugs and all that kind of stuff.
Dear Melinda, I am so sorry you were sexually assaulted. What a horrendous experience. It is so admirable how you are able to view it as a learning opportunity and focus on loving yourself more. My heart goes out to you. You sound like an amazing and beautiful person. Hugs to you!
Yep happened last night when a flying monkey brought him unfortunately the flying monkey is my good friend and she doesn’t know she’s a flying monkey
And the anxiety returned. Just know what they are and they aren’t changing not for you or anyone else no matter how it appears. Fact
Every time this feeling comes remind yourself he is a Narcissist and they are incapable of love or change period
Thank you very much, Lori. Yes, I am trying to remind myself of what he is and everything that flows from that, including inability to change and love. I am sorry to hear you experienced anxiety again. Hope it passed and you are feeling better. Peace and healing to you!
Content cycling, attempted omnipresence. You should work on your coding.