Warning Letter
“Dear Victim.
Well here we are again. Or rather, here I am again. I referred to we because as I mentioned in my first letter to you, I do not really distinguish between you and all the others, so what is about to happen next seems to me as if it has happened with you, numerous times before. What is going to happen is something that I have done so many times before with so many other victims so one thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that you are not alone in being subjected to what will come next.
It has been amazing so far hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has and I delivered. Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration and adoration of me, but to you it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were. You told your friends, your family, your colleagues, the man at the hot dog stand, in fact anybody who would listen. I enjoyed watching you do that. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Here I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly. You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me and helped me in so many ways. From letting me use your car when I crashed mine to scratching my back as I lay in bed at night ready to sleep. Of course it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way. You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant but I struggled to imagine doing this. I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case. This is why I am writing this letter so that you can keep reading and re-reading it in order to allow it to sink in. After all, nobody else is going to be able to tell you how it really is will they? Anyway, it has been brilliant so far. Ordinarily I would claim that that is all down to me, after all am I not brilliant? It is a fact however that you more than played your part. You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul and you poured every essence of your being in to the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me. The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you? I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship. It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. I can understand why you would think like that. You are big on this love thing aren’t you? That is why I picked you of course, that and many other reasons as well, but that played a big part. I wonder though; if nothing altered, if I kept treating you the same way forever as I have done so far, even though it is predicated on a completely different basis to the one you think it is, would that trouble you? You wouldn’t know of course. All you would know is that I continuing to give you the apparent love you crave, in the manner that you have come to expect and in a fashion that makes you feel so special. I don’t suppose you would be particularly upset if that remained the case would you? The thing is though, that isn’t going to happen. Yes, you read that correctly. What has happened so far, marvellous as it is, is effectively at an end. Oh, you will be allowed some glimpses of the person you thought I was, from time to time, in order to keep you with me, but to all intents and purposes this golden period of unparalleled love has come to an end. You won’t realise this because first of all you just cannot accept that something so wonderful could end in this manner. Second of all you will not realise because of what I am going to do. I am going to confuse you, bewilder you and befuddle you. I am going to make everything hazy, amorphous, nebulous, blurred and indistinct so you are not going to understand what is going on.
Why am I going to do this? Well something has changed. I would usually explain, if I ever felt that an explanation should be given (and I operate from the stance that I owe you no explanations because I am unaccountable) that as usual it is your fault. You have let me down. I do believe that to be the case. I wish it was not. I wish this wonderful period could have continued for the rest of our days together but it cannot. What once invigorated me and made me feel powerful just does not do so in the same way anymore. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me. I know that others have said to me in the past that nothing has changed in the way that they feel about me, that they love me just as much as they always have done. Yet even though they tell me this it does not feel like that anymore to me. The power I felt when you showed me that love and admiration is either no longer there or not as strong. I cannot help it. That is the way that I feel. Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered. You perhaps are not giving enough of yourself to me, you are not manifesting the love, the admiration and the adoration in the way that powers me. It might be that sometimes it feels stale to me, that has happened, perhaps it is because you have become too familiar to me and therefore I do not derive the same reaction that I once did to the way you have behaved. I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. You are not performing at the level that I require and therefore to me this means you no longer regard me in the same light and this offends me. I feel criticised by this behaviour of yours and therefore I have to protect myself. You see, I do not like criticism. In fact, I hate it and therefore I need to act promptly to defend myself against this criticism. That is why I have to do what comes next. I had hoped this would not happen. I had hoped that you would be The One so this could be avoided. I had hoped you would not let me down, that I had made the right choices and decisions so that our golden reign could continue forever. I guess I got it wrong, although it is not something I would ever openly admit, I do not want to be seen as wrong because that suggests weakness and that is the last thing I want you to think I am. So, here I am again, about to protect myself from your implied criticism. Anybody else would say sorry for what is about to happen, but as you will soon find out, I do not do apologies. I am sorry for myself that it has come to this of course. I am full of self-pity when the need arises. So, that is the end of the golden period we had. I must do what I have done so many times before and bring the hurt. I will stop now as I have some planning to do, but I will write again. You might want to put your tin hat on and buckle up. This is where it turns nasty.
Yours in disappointed fury
N. Arc
X”
36 thoughts on “Warning Letter”
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This warning letter says so much and especially about the narcissist.
Deep down narcissists dont like who they are and feel a lot of shame. They need that constant high from a new source. Once the source is no longer new and accepts the narc for who they seem to be the narc loses all respect for them and quickly gets bored of them. Their fuel validation is no longer “convincing” to their alter ego. The alter ego needs very convincing validation to stay afloat. So a new source is needed.
If you stripped away the outer facade shell of a narc youd see a pit festering with self hate, shame, loathing and emptiness.
We the supply are the ones that keep the outer shell from cracking and exposing the decay inside. Thats our demise bc no one source can do that it has to be constant and new to be convincing to a narcissists alter ego. Otherwise cracks form and decay seeps out.
They can never love until they are able to peel away the shell of fake ego and heal the decay from within and learn to love themselves.
We are layers of that alter ego. Each layer a different source. A new layer always needed.
We can never give to a narcissist what they most need and therefore will always fail them.
The narcs plea…make me to believe in myself. Make me love myself. Nope thats your job not mine.
Yep if you accept the for who they are they lose respect for you. Their thought is what kind of loser would be with a guy like me (my true self) she must be a pathetic loser not worthy of my time
Hi lori…this has always been my mums reaction to me. When i was her confidante and super acckmidating she would atart treating me like crud. I couldnt figure it out for years. I now makes complete sense. I feel sorry for her upbringing and how she feels about hetself. It breaks my heart.
Sorry for the typos need to proofread lol
That is a very interesting observation! It actually makes a lot of sense.
Wow – Narc affair; your words make so much sense to me. (Not that you aren’t an absolutely wonderful weaver of words HG!) but sometimes someone else’s explanation – once they themselves have digested a wealth of information – just is so concise, yet thorough, *and* demonstrates that they *get* the material. Narc affair’s words just did that for me.
Hi who cares…ty and its like you stated from all ive taken in mainly from HG’s work. Its how i see it and understand it to be but every narcissist is so very different bc personalities are involved as well but the core root is shame and lack of self love. They need constant convincing of the alter ego to mask the real self which was stunted years ago and covered up. If everyone else believes the fake ego then the narc believes in it too which helps in forgetting whats hidden. The problem is the narc doesnt believe in it, not really and our ability to convince goes stale and we are no longer doing what they need us to do. Then they take their ugly thoughts about themselves and discomfort over it out on us the messengers. Its our fault they no longer like the reflection in the mirror.
I think it’s happening again. The amazing connection, intense and serious immediately, true love, he can’t live without me etc. Now he’s telling me he’s taken an overdose and putting phone down. Lying to teach me a lesson. He refuses to apologise for his lies, says I’m imagining things he’s said, getting angry when I get upset, dumping or ignoring me until I apologise to him for hurting his feelings etc. I can’t cut him off and am utterly addicted and utterly miserable. We’ve been together 7 weeks. I don’t think I’m going to survive this one, the feelings are so strong. If I can’t have his love then I just don’t want to be here any more. Nothing I do pleases him now. He’s the nice guy martyr with the bipolar bitch girlfriend, someone apparently told him he’s a saint for taking me on. He’s compared himself to Jesus a few times. He tells me I’m abusive but my son’s girlfriend has heard him raging at me so I know I’m not imagining it. I really, really hope I’m wrong about him being a narcissist. But of course I know better.
“someone apparently told him he’s a saint for taking me on”
So he told you someone said that? Probably a lie.
Little bit,
HG will know best, but I don’t think it even matters if he is a narcissist. He is at the very least manipulative, and his behavior is bringing you to your knees. I’m so sorry. You’re obviously caught up in a really dysfunctional situation. This can and will get better… with some help.
Please don’t ever harm yourself. You are likely dealing with someone who is not even capable of real love. That is not about you at all — it is about what he does not have.
If someone ever threatened suicide to me (whether a narcissist or not), I would call the police and report the threat of suicide they gave and let the police handle it.
That way, if he’s bluffing, he probably won’t do that again… and if he’s not, you did the right thing.
I’m very sorry you are going through this. I think HG could really help you, if you ask him for a consult.
Hi Little Bit. Hang in there. We have all been through exactly what you are going through. Just like the narc is predictable, so is our recovery. It’s tough only being 7 weeks. I know for a fact if you stay with him, it gets worst. You can fall madly in love again, but it won’t last. Reality. Give him the telephone number to a Suicide Hot Line and then go No Contact. You are worth it.
You WILL survive. Call a crisis line, go fir a jog if u can, talk to your friends if he hasnt destroyed your friendships. If he hasn’t yet, he Will!
He may be psychotic if he’s comparing himself to Jesus??? WTF
He’s delusional. Where did you meet this guy?
I will be on this site on and off all day. Keep communicating . . . I’m concerned about you. Save yourself.
If anyone pulls the suicide threat on you, call the police or emergency medical services. Also, get an app that records your phone calls. It may be illegal in your country and thus inadmissible in court etc., but at least you have proof of the crap they say and of any threats they might make.
I use and like ACR (free), but there are several others on the market.
Stephanie
I hope you are still reading? I have just read your recent post. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I thought I was the only one who feels this same way after so many months – I’ve also “gotten out” & achieved things but to no avail as I can do all these “distractions” & yet at the same time have him ever on my mind. Sheer desolation, despair…I’m afraid I don’t know the answer either. I’ve tried thinking logically, hoping time would heal, therapy etc. No progress. I just feel that I’m existing on some parallel planet, I can’t see an end to it. I don’t know what I’m hoping for any more. Struggling to accept & cant even get angry.
time girls time. It does get better but depending on the length and depth of exposure it can take a couple of years not months. Months to be able to function again. A couple of years to heal sp
Thank you Lori, I just can’t comprehend feeling like this for another two years?! Of course he may want me back but I know (logically) I would not be helping myself, & anyway how would his current girlfriend feel if he left her for me? Can’t believe it’s all an illusion..maybe it’s not with her
Hi lori…great advice! 🙂
You have not accepted what he is Alice until you do you are spinning your wheels. Once you accept it you know that it is different with anyone else. It just isn’t. It’s impossible.
You may have to go back again before you finally accept this. I hope not but a lot do. Some need more proof than others but trust whe I tell you is true. I have had 2
We are never alone on this site. I woke up this morning and one of my thoughts was him. I’m in therapy now and I have support from girlfriends. I’m ending all my male friends emotional and intellectual relationships that I have. I can’t even look at men the same. Everyman . . . .
I hope time heals . . .
Of course, now that I decided to swear off on love, every day I venture out I get the smiles from male strangers, and vain attempts to engage the Ice Queen.
I can get angry but I need to cry more. The losses . . . hopes, dreams, plans. I’m full of anger and the tears won’t flow . . . .
Oh, the fun we would have had. Oh, wait a minute. He had no sense of humor. He’d get angry at me when I was serene and happy–my joy for no specific reason would make him sulk. He just never had the control he wanted over me. It became ugly at the end. Now it’s only been one week since my last malign hoover/unexpected . . . .
If I’m ever to have any peace in my life, I have to give up my attraction to the opposite sex! Get another dog!
The Good, the Bad (Mid-) and the Ugly (Lesser). I still like the Good (Greater). I still want the Good. I wonder if Clint is available . . . .
Thanks Narc Affair unfortunately, I have had experience with Narcs sigh, but I still have to ask HG because the dynamics are different with each of them. I wasn’t the same source of supply to both of them. Plus one was a lesser the other a mid ranger so they are different, yet the same if you know you what I mean
Thank you Hurt God.
Sincerely,
SE
Marvelous !!
Error: “Object Constancy”
HG,
I stopped contacting the Narc and viewing his posts. Now he’s commenting on threads that I’m on in other groups.
Is he doing that on purpose ?
Yes.
I thought so but then thought well maybe it’s a coincidence. Is that a hoover or is he just hoping I’ll contact him ? Of course I have no intention of doing so. What happens if I just continue to ignore ? Something malign ? Ugh
If I continue to not contact him will he contact me with a malign hoover ?
Unlikely.
Whew, thank you. I worry about the malign hoovers. What is the purpose then? To get me to reach out ?
And what if I don’t? Does he just go away? Honestly I’m not inserting myself in his world he’s coming where I am.
Yes to get you to contact him.
As long as I don’t will he leave it? I don’t want any problems with him. I leave him alone he leaves me alone? Is that possible ?
is there anything in this that would cause a malign action? As long as I don’t contact or provoke that won’t bring anything malign right?
I don’t care about benign crap. I know what he is. It’s the malign stuff I want to avoid. I guess what I am asking is my failure to respond or reach out going to cause any action on his part ?
I don’t reality hate him. I’m just not going to be involved with him. I was an ipss and he has a new one. I don’t know why he’s trying to get me to contact him. I guess one is never enough. Why cant we both just stay silent and it’s all good
Generally speaking what should I expect ?
Here’s the thing I don’t get. Is this some kind of reverse hoover? I’m not in his sphere he’s in mine. He never participates in that group then suddenly there he is.
Is that a reverse hoover?
It is a passive hoover.
Ohhhh a “passive” hoover never heard that one before. You should do a piece on all the varieties of hoovers.
So he not only comments on a thread now he’s put up a post. He has not that in that group in months and months. Now out of the blue. I thought we’ll maybe he’s trolling this group for supply but no I see now it’s about me. Well I really should say him lol. But yes I can see he’s sort of screaming you who remember me? You are supposed to be texting me have you forgotten?
They’ll be no text. They’ll be no like. They’ll be no acknowledgement.
It is sorta funny to see. Do they continue the passive until they get what they want ? Or is this just a drive by? Lol
There is a book about hoovers called Black Hole.
Oh I’d like to order that however I’m worried it will show on my bank acct in which I have other family members that see so I haven’t. I don’t know how it shows on pay pal?
I have had now 2 narcs and this is always a fascinating subject. It really is. I know what he is I’ve accepted it. I should block but honestly I just don’t want problems with him. I’m fine to just be gray rock but is fascinating as hell to have you explain some of these weird ass behaviors
It really is super interesting
When I first started reading this blog I was confused, enraged, and humiliated. I thought I was going crazy. After two consults I recognize the manipulation of the Lesser Greater Elite and also the toxicity of his co dependent former lieutenant.
I say former, but who knows how long that will last. The Hoovers have been fierce. Thankfully I wasn’t important enough for a full scale assault and after breaching NC ONCE have removed these toxic people from my life.
I’m in the throes of Tabula Rasu, a TV series from Belgium. Before I would have shaken my head at the antics. Now, I see the victim Mid Ranger Mum and The Greater. Now I know. Now I understand.
Their lies are so powerful that eyes become blind.
-Tabula Rasu
Foolish people are always dangerous, dangerous people aren’t always foolish.
-Tabula Rasu
Never again? Why not again?
Memory has a power as real as thine
-Emily Bronte