A Poisoned Pen
“Dear Victim,
That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.
Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.
It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.
I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.
With mechanical action N.Arc x”
47 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen”
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HG, if mid and lower narcs don’t know why they behave the way they do and are able to behave perfectly well at work and in other superfluous relationships, then what do they think they are doing when they ignore texts or disappear mid conversation?
Doing what is right for them in that interaction – e.g. something else is more important so it is acceptable to break off or you have done something from our perspective to deserve being ignored.
HG, the way this is written makes it seem that the narcissist is very aware of what they’re doing…and how can’t they be when they are often confronted about their bag of tricks? Which I think all of us here have at some level done. I know I would tell my ex that when she didn’t do….x…it was soul crushing. …and I’d get a ? nothing. or a really? But never an “I’m sorry” or wow, “I need to never do that again!” Is denial that strong? I cannot fathom it. Like…with mine…she was fired from several jobs….can she not understand that she’s got a problem…like doesn’t she notice that nobody else is really getting fired…at least not that much! I rarely have seen people outright fired in my career over 30 years of working. Bonkers
Dear KW,
Interesting comments about the job losses made me reflect on my weasels ex partner (mother of his golden child).
I believe her to be a narcissist now, as she’s always feeling sorry for herself and she has everyone’s sympathy, however she too has had sooo many jobs (I was informed of one she left because of stealing). She seems to blot her copybook wherever she goes job wise, but always blames the job and that her bosses are jealous of her. She only ever gets jobs thru “friends” of hers …. strange ! All the crowd she hung around are no longer, including me. She used to say “I don’t why they’re not talking to me, I did nothing wrong, they’re just jealous of me”
She was just as draining as the weasel and did my head in as well, but I hadn’t thought about it til your comment. She has another new job as we speak …. haha ….. it won’t last!
It’s a bit like my weasel, changing his car every 18 months (all the better to stalk you with my dear) … haha
Snarkandgrace….however you can realize that you cannot take the vitriol personally. It could have been anyone. ANYONE. Anyone will do-as long as they are a good fuel provider. I have come to realize that and it takes away my emotional thinking/upset quite well. It’s still mind-boggling that the Dr.Jekyll/Mr/Mrs Hyde….is so confusing. But their minds are entirely different. Think of cookie monster…I need cookie! Narc=I need fuel. Nothing else. I read FUEL by HG, and it’s a good one. I need to get another book or two but been busy doing normal things more -keeping away more from ruminating on the ex. It’s a huge waste of time. But I realize I am still addicted to her. I want the good ‘ex’ back…but the good one has a VERY bad side.
===
Cookie Monster !! That is such a great analogy because you could see how desperate and angry he was . I will keep that image when I freak out about hai fuel Matrix
HG, you have taught us that the love a narcissist shows isn’t real and lots of us are struggling to accept that, I’m sure. I was wondering, though…. since it’s true that you don’t actually feel love towards a person, is the same true of hatred? Do you use the facade of hatred to gain negative fuel in the same way you “fake” love to gain positive fuel? It might make me feel better to know the hatred and the nastiness isn’t any more real than the golden period was….. then again, it might make me feel worse…. thoughts?
Interesting observations S&G and I understand why you suggest this, but the hatred is real. It is one of the emotions we do possess.
Thank you, HG. I’m almost sorry I asked but…. knowledge is power, I suppose. Seems the more I learn, the more baffled I am. At least I have the No Contact thing down! Go me!
So why do they possess hatred and no other?
Hg (Mercury?),
Do you think there is ever a possibility that a midrange could learn what he is and accept it, as you did? Perhaps a narc who has been searching for the root of his depression and anxiety (unmet fuel needs) but hasn’t put pieces together about himself yet? I think you’ve written that only greaters can realize what they are, but surely if presented in a certain way to a certain midranger, it’s possible?
No. The narcissism will reject that occurring before it could gain any foothold. Any MR that suggests he knows what he is etc and can deal with it is manipulating you further.
Yesterday I went NO CONTACT with my ex who discarded me a few months ago. He was hoovering me repeatedly. It was benign salami slicing and during last 2 weeks he doubled the efforts. So I had to cut this off because it was sabotaging my own healing.
I thought it would be easier. I cry a lot since I blocked him and I think about him all the time. I would feel better if he just stopped contacting me so I would not have to block him and feel the weight of this decision.
I hope it will pass.
You cannot rely on him stopping, you have to prevent.
Good evening, HG.
Yes HG, thank you, I did as you told me and blocked him. Just hoping that my nostalgia will soon end 🙂
HG, I am much better today. But I was curious if he reacted to my blocking him on social media in some way and today he blocked me back. Is it out of anger? Is it possible that my blocking him after he sent me some compliments 3 days ago via text wounded him and now he blocked me back to gain some sort of control?
(I know, I can’t look at his social media when I do no contact, but these are my first days of NC and I was really curious what would be his reaction because so far he was stalking me online almost every day (liking my posts and so on) and tried hard to make me like him again).
Good for you, taking care of urself first! It is NOT easy.
LilAng, in the early stage, I call it the First Breakup, every day seemed difficult. I craved him like a junkie craves heroin. Withdrawal pain. That is not being overly dramatic–I felt like a child getting taken from my daddy’s arms who was going off to war, never to see him again. Cuz physically I could ‘feel’ my heart breaking all day long. I longed for him all day. I would wake up in my sleep several times a night, when I could sleep. It felt traumatic and tragic. I couldnt eat.
Feelings aren’t facts. It would be nice if u had been in a normal relationship where u amicably break up and he goes his way and u go yours. But the facts are, it wasn’t normal. Never will be.
From what I’ve read so far, HG’s books and on this blog, he will keep trying harder and harder. A fact may be the chick he dumped you for didn’t work out, so r u going to be someone’s second choice? Not me . . . .
I cry. Crying is good. Best release. I had to grieve the loss of the illusion in order to move 4ward toward this wonderful life I’m going to have without my bloodsucker.
Also, I did the discarding and it is better, again only my experience, to be the dumpee than the dumper with the narc. All my hoovers came (or future ones will come) as malign. And I know my ex- is spiraling down–his last texts to me were chilling. My ex- is mean and dangerous cuz I dumped him . . . he hadn’t established fully my replacement. I treated him like a Prince . . . he’ll be hard pressed to find a better co-dependent than me LOL
THIS WILL PASS. It sounds like ur using good logic, however, Tudors books really help you get through this. Or listen on YouTube to his talks. Consults or emails to HG. Help get you through this.
Thank you for giving me strength this morning. (I still think about my ex several times a day–it’s like a death in the family.) Grief . . . loss of the dream. Grieve it Lil.
Did you go No Contact totally? It sounded as if all you did was block him and he’s still able to get to you.
Blocking is difficult enough. I blocked and unblocked my ex probably 50 times. Maybe a 100 times! I missed his crazy. For me, that was only the first step. Now the thought of unblocking him gives me cold chills.
I actually had to stoop to his level and in one of my last texts to him, threaten that if he didn’t leave me alone publicly, I’d share with his supervisor the texts he sent to me with what he thought about her–not nice. But he’s not a nice man.
Insatiable, Hypatia, Narc Affair…
Not alone. Mine does the same thing all the time. Never any closure to the conversation. Ever. Maybe once in awhile it will be “goodnight” or “until next time” but it is a rarity. I typically send such statements and they will usually go ignored but occasionally will get a reply.
Hi Challenge Fuel, thank you for confirming you experienced this too. I would read into this too. If he did not close the conversation properly, I would wonder if it was something I said. If he did, all was well. Very co-dependent of me.
I was very hesitant to even read this but the title and the opening compelled me to keep on reading. The amount of fury that coursed through my veins of just pent up resentment has me physically shaking and my heart beating like a drum and I am ready for war. Flash backs of my previous marriage forced its way into my head and makes me cringe. This is exactly his mind set and oh boy did he play the victim. Had my family, my church, and even my friends on his side all trying to tell me to give the marriage a chance. I managed to catch him in his twisting lies when I left home refused to speak to him except via text and he took the bait, his mistake. Through texting I was able to read the words analytically and see his web of lies as they untangled before me.
Hello Unspoken90, building your knowledge brings with it moments like these, they are necessary moments to achieve your freedom.
Hypatia, thank you for sharing your experience. Indeed, it is very passive aggressive. With narcs, it’s like normal rules of decency and courtesy cease to operate. It also makes you wonder whether they don’t realize it or whether we expect too much or are overreacting. Makes you doubt yourself.
find that in 2 situations… 1 – he ghosted. You will only hear back when hoover time has come. I had a narc ghosting after 4 years. Never heard about him again ever. yet… would say HG
The second situation is when they have what they need or want. They want to know where you are, they want to get a bit of fuel, they want a certain response … that is why they texted first… Then when they got it they just end the conversation there- they never do that in golden period.
Maybe a third one is another source that is outshining you and is more important is texting or requiring attention… HG?
Hiding things too?! That explains why my housekeeper found my passport and birth certificate on the top of my 8 foot high bookcases while dusting on a ladder.
Of course you would be told that you put them there Moira and forgot about them or we put them there for safe keeping and told you but you were not listening!
Never once did I think it was me. I haven’t been up a ladder in years. Maybe I could have tossed it there while bouncing on a trampoline. The problem with some of your shenanigans, and most likely my downfall, is that some of your behaviour is so ridiculous that it is funny, and once I start laughing I can’t be righteously indignant any longer. It’s like dealing with teenagers. There is charm in some of your pathology. And therein lies the caveat I suppose.
Hi moira…my brother in law is notorious for hiding things and doing silly things to make you second guess yourself. For years i could not figure out why he did this now i know it to be gaslighting. He gets a thrill thinking hes got one over on us and is toying with our minds.
Dear Narc Affair, I hope I don’t sound like a narcissist because I’m not. I am a bitchy stands my ground empath. I was not looking for these items so I was not aware that they were missing. When the items were handed to me I knew exactly who had placed them there and it struck me as a childish and pathetic gesture. Despite my self described status I have been involved with two narcissists. One twenty years ago, – someone who was married to a childhood friend.- I did get sucked into his world because he was a recent widow and I thought I was helping with funeral arrangements whereas he thought he was engaged to me. At that time the tussle lasted about 1.5 years. I got rid of the second one in 45 days by repeating the phrase(s): No, I appreciate you opinion but I’m going anyway, No, I don’t think this is my fault, No, you are not staying on point and I have to go now, that and having a lock to my bedroom door. Laughing out loud whenever I heard him utter things that were better suited to a two year old helped to bring crazy to the surface quickly as well. I will most likely meet many more in my life, but as a woman, I have done all that I can to keep myself from being in a position that might require me to be dependent on a man. I supply my own food, housing, pay my bills, and technology has provided me with artificial penile stimulation which means I don’t have to gag for a shag too often or look for someone who is a little too eager to stick it to me, if you know what I mean.
PS. I am coming to the realization that I am not a sitting duck either, but rather I look for narcissists because they are familiar to me.I recognize them immediately and they play out a long ago, old scenario that still haunts me because I have unresolved issues. While narcissists may be to blame for their behavior, I am to blame – though I don’t believe that to be the correct word, it is me that is looking for something from them, which I will never get, but that doesn’t stop my little Moira heart from trying. Sometimes Empaths are damaged too except where a narcissist doesn’t or won’t get help, I am determined to figure out what it is that makes me, like a moth to a flame, want to rub against cold things. The verbal abuse, the violence, the sexual abuse, the isolation, none of that works on me but I do get a hard on for a cold stare.
Well at least its a sincere and honest letter this time lol
They dont call it a personality disorder for nothing. Complete insanity. It helps immensely understanding it tho and helps to alleviate the confusion. The veils been lifted and i can see so clearly now. Its freedom to see it for what it is.
I wanted to pose this question to my fellow empaths and to you HG as well. I noticed many wrote that they would be having a conversation or exchange by text with a narc and then the narc would stop responding suddenly, no closure to the conversation like you would expect. I experienced that as well and it felt rude. HG, any insight as to why? My fellow empaths, who experienced this and what did you think?
We will be doing something else and through entitlement just go, without ending the
Thank you, HG. I appreciate the insight. Guess what I would be thinking? “Did I say something wrong?” Always blaming myself.
LOL
Insatiable: yep, definitely did that alllllll the time. What HG said but I think it’s also controlling and fuel producing— they know that we’re on the other end watching our phone and waiting for the next text from the, to come through, which any normal person would have sent to punctuate the conversation. It’s incredibly passive aggressive behavior.
Once, the narc cut out in the middle said said “be right back” and I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours, after I had messaged him letting him know how incredibly rude it was and how it made me feel, since it was a pattern. Guess what? It wasn’t his fault at all and he twisted it around really well, even made ME feel ashamed for calling him out on it. I think I was the one who apologized after all was said and done. So glad to be done with the mindfuckery!
That used to drive me crazy … now I know ….
Same here Insatiable Learner, he always disappeared almost mid sentence and he almost never ended any text conversations politely. On the other hand I was careful to tell him if I had to do something and would be back later. If I didn’t he would text and ask why I disappeared and if I didn’t answer then right away he would get angry and ask me if I had possibly passed away since he got no answer.. There were specific rules for me; not for him. He would also go silent to punish me if I was going out with my friends or something else that was forbidden by the covert rules that applied only to me. Then he would start a silent treatment for a day or two or until I came to the conclusion that it was better to sacrifice my life and my friends than to suffer the excruciating pain of a prolonged silent treatment every time I wanted to live my life. So each and every time he disappeared suddenly my heart sank because I didn’t know if I’d done something or not. It led me to ponder my text messages for all eternity before even sending them so he wouldn’t misunderstand or be able to interpret something the wrong way. Still I was scared when he didn’t answer, but most of the times nothing was wrong; I lived though in constant fear and obsessive overthinking. It was pure hell and a sure way of him to gain power and control over me.
Hi catherine…this is me in a nutshell. Ive always had fear of abandonment issues and understand it now but catch myself still getting panicky if hes late or if he disappears briefly. Ive had to pay close attention to my reaction and talk myself thru it. I ask myself why are you so upset and anxious? Hes not going to disappear but its also stemming from rejection. Rejection is an awful feeling and ive had to work on overcoming these thoughts and my reactions to them. Then theres mistrust ughhhh
Unfortuneatly narcissists are so in tune to our thoughts and use it to control. Im an open book and this is a hard habit to break. Im catching myself and holding back telling him my innermost thoughts. Its terrible bc in a healthy relationship you can do this bc of “trust”. You trust that person doesnt want to hurt you.
Dear Catherine, it is amazing how eerily similar our experiences are. “It led me to ponder my text messages for all eternity before even sending them so he wouldn’t misunderstand or be able to interpret something the wrong way. ” Yes, I did the exact same thing. Analyzing my messages to make sure they could not be misunderstood and were otherwise “acceptable.” How did I ever think this was normal and healthy?
Hi insatiable learner…ive experienced this in a few ways….
He has just vanished but came back saying something glitchy happened.
His replies take long which is rude. Theres three ways ive taken this. A. Hes texting someone else at the same time. B. Hes purposely doing it to make me think hes texting someone else which i know he has done this. As soon as i take a long time his replies speed up. C. Hes doing something at the same time which again in a way is rude.
I remember when we first met after a few months he was his worst as far as upfront covert abuse and we were chatting in the evening and he just poof vanished. He came back an hour later and left a message with the most outrageous excuse that i knew it was meant to be unbelievable to devalue me. He wanted me to know he was flat out lying. At the time i didnt know why he did this but now i know it to be covert devalument.
His excuse was he fell asleep in his chair. How do you fall asleep in an office type swivel chair without falling off it onto the floor?
It was utter bs and i was so upset i didnt talk to him for a couple days. I was so naive back then. Now i see it for the tactic it was. To devalue and get negative fuel.
I really need to journal these memories to read. I need reminders why i know him to be a narc. There was much more insidious devaluments over the years but always covert so i could never fully prove it.
Thanks so much for sharing, Narc Affair. “His excuse was he fell asleep in his chair. How do you fall asleep in an office type swivel chair without falling off it onto the floor?” This gave me a chuckle. I don’t mean to make light of this but it is so ridiculous. Like HG says, “games are always being played.” This is an example of such mind games. Yes, I think cataloging these kinds of behaviors we have observed from them would be very validating when we are in doubt. Very best to you!
Hi hypatia…24 hrs??? That is very rude! My narc knows to keep it to an hour 😂 They feel the situation out to see how much youll put up with and he knows if he ever did this itd be over. Disappearing for 24 hrs with no concrete reason i couldnt stand for it. He knows i have issues with this type of thing. That being said hes used this fear to devalue me in tiny increments. This is where confiding in them gives them a lot of power over you.
Dear Insatiable Learner,
All the time!! He started out really polite, then ……. his texting became horrendous! I’d fight with him about how rude he was!
Never saying hello or goodbye and just disappearing on me without finishing the conversation. He’d misconstrue everything I said…… to do my head in. In the end, I hated him texting me cos it would always go haywire. I brought this up with him many times in person and all I got was blank looks and a very subtle smirk I’m sure.
His phone was glued to his hand permanently!
Great observation
Dear Bubbles, thank you for your comments! Yes, very rude of them. I also observed the blank stare, which was so odd. A completely vacant alien look like no one is home.
Insatiable learner
If this helps to know, my xnarc husband does the same thing. But it’s the not responding of texts that I hate. So, during the divorce I decided to go to the house and stand outside the window and text him to see if he gets my messages. I was so shocked to see how fast he would pick up his phone and read my texts and then he would lay the phone back down without responding. So, when I asked a question in a different way in that of a request and if he will do it, he quickly put the phone down after reading that text and put his hands together fingers spread and up touching at chest. It was disturbing, but I sure got over the “whys” real fast.
I did this at night and we don’t have curtains on most windows or neighbors so it was easy.