In Love With A Married Man
You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.
How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.
You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.
You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to endure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms? I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.
“We just do not get on any longer.”
“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”
“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”
You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.
You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.
You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.
I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.
The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.
The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.
I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.
I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.
“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.
You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?
“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.
“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch with the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.
“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.
“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.
I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.
“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.
“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.
You do not know about her.
She thinks she knows all about you.
Neither of you really know what I am.
34 thoughts on “In Love With A Married Man”
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Sorry ava101..I meant summarised.. typo!!
Ava101..you ummarised Mafs Australia perfectly and I know which narcs you are talking about and which women stood up to them in the.end!! But yes, amazing how many people still see the narcs as people that will change, or that they are going through a hard time at the moment and this is not really how they are!! Madness..!! they probably have always been liars and cheats but unfortunately they are so good at it that their fake remorse gets accepted by the majority of women when they are caught, but thankfully in this series the 2 “doormats” woke up before it was too late….
HG I lost the thread where you mentioned each of us has a ribbon
Any clue which one it was
The Relational Tower.
Indeed, but this was a mini thread in the comments recently .argg
W,
If you are asking about the post where he jokes that he identifies each of us by a different colored ribbon(or similar device) it is Rules of the Ex Club #15.
No, he hasn’t said what your color ribbon is, nor mine.
He probably took the scissored panties that I was naive enough to ask about compensation for, and tied them together in a length, to save resources, and to remind me not to get my knickers in a knot over a narcissist.
What would you guess yours is?
“We just do not get on any longer.”
Heard it.
“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”
Heard it.
“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”
Heard it. And I heard plenty more too!
Now surprise. A baby is on the way!
Last week:
“What’s new? How are you?”
“How am I? Oh I am a lot of things! The wife is pregnant. I am feeling sick and I am emotionally swimming right now…”
A week later:
“What’s new? How are you?”
“I am very well, thank you. We tried so hard for this for years and resigned ourselves to the fact that it was not going to happen and then surprise, it happened! We are over the moon!”
Hmmmm…..okay then. Mind you this announcement is not brand new “shock did not wear off yet” news. She is 3 months along already.
I am continually reminded that every day is Narc opposite day. Not even new life is an exception.
Challenge Fuel:
Stop talking to him! I repeat stop talking to him!
You should stop talking to him because it is not at al healthy for you but if it’s revenge you seek it works for that too. Ignore him and watch him start doing stuff to get your attention.
I’m watching this before my eyes. I quit speaking to him just flat out quit anc now he’s popping up here and there where I have commented trying to get my attention. He will get none.
I don’t take seconds. He can f right off
Any theory or hypothesis as to why your numbers are growing? I do now. I just finished reading Revenge: How to Beat the Narcissist. I no longer want revenge.
The quality and accuracy of material, a growing reputation for delivering information that is the best and my good readers spreading the word.
To decide you no longer require revenge is evidence of your growing logic. Good work.
HG, do you ever feel overwhelmed by this monster of a blog you’ve created? It obviously requires lots of your attention and time. Will you just disappear from it one day in typical Narc fashion? If you do decide to disengage from us, will you at least tell us goodbye?
No.
It does.
No.
Not relevant.
I write. I observe. I reply. I post. I lead. I pontificate. I teach. I direct. I shock. I counsel. I sell. I work. Hard.
Who am I??
Lol
Thank you for the reassurance. Not something I’m used to from your kind!
It also depends on the intelligence of the recipient. I’ve introduced you to a number of people I believe have been ensnared by your kind and yet they still remain in la-la land and would rather read stupid advice from women’s magazines and fantasize about the ridiculous franchise I abhor every bit as you, hence I won’t name it.
As for the narcs, I don’t have any idea for revenge, either. Too much energy expended on someone not worth it.
Indeed Bibi, the euphemising and the ignorance of so-calle relationship experts has created a situation where people fail to understand precisely the problems they are dealing with.
In the just finished season of Married at first sight Australia, there were two crystal clear mals narcs, and one female narc. The female narc was clear to everyone, whe was so stupid as to not hide anything, and didn’t even get it what people where asking when they directly asked her about conscience, accountability, remorse, etc.
But the two guys – it was incredible how many people people in the comments blamed the women for not being even more understanding and loving …. how many just fell for fake charm, lies, hollow words, how they twisted facts around, made excuses for them clearly lying, etc. unbelievable. The women were very cool and strong, but with one you could see that she was beginning to doubt her own perception, as even her own sister fell for his charm and wrong proclamations. But she never gave in to him and one could also clearly see how the pride of that narc was hurt.
The other woman did get revenge. But who got blamed? Her, not him. He cheated, lied, said horrible things about her behind her back on TV – she simply kept trying but in the end told him that she had to break up with him as she couldn’t trust him. She also said that she stayed till the end to make him own up to what he did, to make im accountable in front of everyone. One could see his suppressed fury.
But soo many people commented how he had become such a good guy, apologizing, and how she was a bad person. Wow. Before she broke up with him, many said she was a doormat …
So, yeah … while there were some commenters calling them narcs – many people don’t understand the narc’s ways, fall for it, blame the victim, don’t want to see, want to believe in prince charming and how such a man can change, and how great it is that he brings flowers (after having been a complete asshole), … and obviously don’t want to accept that it is simply true when such a guy talks about swapping his “wife” with another woman, …
You’ve taught us well, HG, to us it is now picture book narc behaviour.
HG I have a question somewhat off topic. Today I came home and my cat shit outside the litter box. Yay! It’s part of being an animal lover, however. Nothing a little Clorox wipes can’t clean. I am wondering, if you are with an empath gf, chances are high she likes animals. But you don’t. Have you ever lived with an animal? (Non human–I know we are animals.) Did you ever have a cat or dog growing up?
HG
I will admit that being here, reading your books, and consulting with you have shifted my position on revenge also, but dont get too big a fucking head-Ive not gone soft completely and theres more work to do lol.
Ha ha. I hear you’ve bought some fluffy slippers recently you pussy cat you.
Pussy cat’s still got claws.
Revenge, you say? Tease, expose, deny, etc. Don’t give them what they want but dangle it for a while instead. I use his accusations of me being a “useless bimbo” to play clueless.
I took down a profile he was keeping tabs on via a profile he didn’t know i knew about. His profile is now also gone – i did go back and check ofc.
There seems to be a bit of a furious ‘final discard’.
Hi HG,
Can you help me to understand what happened to me please? Only once did I date a married man (but he never told me his true identity or marital status as he claimed to be single and never admitted it, even after I had proof – literally to his face).
We would sit at a different bar each time, always near where he lived (which turned out to be with his wife and 5 miles away from my home). We would kiss constantly, hold hands and he would pull me right next to him, between his legs, almost on his lap. Anyway, what was all of that about? The last time that I saw him and confronted him, he denied everything, I never heard from him again and maybe a month later, I got curious/ mad and tried his cell – it was disconnected. Almost a year now.
What is the deal with this behavior? Thank you!
Excuse me, I thought it was important to add that I met him on a dating website and he initiated contact. After exchanging around five messages during 1 – 2 weeks time, then he asked for my number. Turns out, he was on three dating sites (I found this to prove to myself who I had been spending time with). They all had a false first name.
Thank you for helping me to understand, HG!!
It is important to me that everyone knows that I was never in their home. He was never in mine. I did not know that he lived so close to me and it is creepy. I had to do extensive research and pay a private investigator to learn about him. Thank you!!
The end of HG’s posts are always chalk full of zingers. I find I have to keep myself from jumping to the conclusion—but like a good book, the end must remain a surprise. But often, the temptation is too great.
I was the married one he lied about. Sex & sexy were right up there on his happy list with me.
I will tell you, when I first moved in with him I found a note on the closet floor – “ well my darling, it’s just the two of us now” .
It should of been a big red (former flying) flag.
We ALL end up on the closet floor.
Best to sidestep his charade & enjoy a season of your life with someone that actually cares & loves you.
Yesssss💞
Did you get a divorce to be with him ?
A brilliant article. Although the married narc I was involved with didn’t promise a future together, he let me entertain those thoughts and suffer as a consequence instead of setting the record straight. You don’t do that to someone you love.
Oh well. I’m incredibly lucky I was never in a FR with this person. So much easier to disengage!
He left his wife and moved out a year ago. Still hasnt divorced her. Said he doesn’t want to pay for the divorce and his wife doesn’t want to pay. He was the one that wanted to get divorced. More manipulation and fuel gathering from wife and IPPS as well no doubt.
The main take away I’ve gotten from your work is that I don’t really want “more” like I thought I did. Out of the frying pan into the fire! The “more” is where the real abuse lives. It seemed like a tragedy, being “the other woman”, begging God to let me be the narc’s forever.
Now I am thanking God for not answering those prayers and I have you to thank for that too HG. You opened my eyes to what he really is. (A punch in the gut wake-up call to be exact.)
It’s been painful going no contact. Every day is a struggle not to reach out, but I know it’s the right thing to do because HG says so and he knows his shit!
I’m going to be alright now that I’m not waiting around for something that’s never going to happen. And I can take solace in the fact that I never would’ve wanted it anyway.
AMEN MB!…..👏👏👏🙌
I feel the exact same way. I started my relationship with my Narc January 2017. He lived with her, but was not married. She found out about me in March 2018, and magically they were married June of 2018. Hes now discarded me, has a new primary supply, and the wife still thinks his absent hours are because of me. She shows up at bars looking for him. It actually makes me so sad for her now.