The Narcissist and Gifts
What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.
- Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
- Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
- Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,
“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”
We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.
This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.
- The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –
“But I thought you loved butterflies.”
“I looked everywhere for that gift.”
“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”
We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.
- The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
- The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –
“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”
“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”
“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”
“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”
- Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.
“I thought the anniversary was next week?”
“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”
“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”
“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”
- My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
- The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
- Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
- Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
- Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
- Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
- Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
- Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
- The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
- What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
- The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
- But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
- The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.
Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.
What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?
86 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Gifts”
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LOL, the Early Declaration! If I had not seen it, I would not believe it. In the very early days after meeting Narky and before the seduction period began, I perused his FB page just for a lark. Obviously, he was living with a woman. As I scrolled down his feed, there was a year old post, evidently celebrating their first night together as a shacked up couple. This utter fool posted a photo of a dozen roses with a love note on a kitchen counter and basically exclaimed to his “lady,” Looky what is waiting for you when you get home!” That was cringe worthy enough, but the topping was his girlfriend answering by commenting, “I’m getting in the car now and will be home soon!” At the time, I laughed uproariously at the absurdity of how low some people will stoop to get attention on Facebook. “What a couple of whackjobs,” I thought. Ha!
How do you like your Red Flag? Plain or toasted?
Two weeks later, this jerk had me. Had me. Played me like a trout and I fell for it! I literally despise myself for letting a pig of this caliber screw with my emotions. It’s humiliating and I’m turning a rosy red of shame right now.
Mr. Tudor, you know your stuff…{{{slow hand clap}}}
I certainly do.
I lové your example because repeatedly we hear that all the flags are there but we get trap even so.
Your example speaks volume and I can understand how you feel but they are very crafty and talented !
I just had to take a moment to say that the comments y’all shared here on gift giving have been fantastic.
You can’t beat this entertainment!
My Nex always gave me “things that mattered….” I’ve either burned or donated most everything, but I still have a ring (costume jewelry) that was supposedly his grandmother’s. For years he kept it hanging from a chain on his rear view mirror (gag). He gave it to me after he had one of the “diamonds” replaced with a “garnet” — his birthstone (also gag). I can’t seem to bring myself to toss this ring on the off chance that it really was his grandmother’s …even though it’s monetarily worthless. I’ve considered anonymously mailing it to his ex wife, but I know that would likely initiate a whole ton of crap… Maybe, HG, you can convince me that it’s ok to toss this ring…. It doesn’t really mean anything to him, right?
It doesn’t, save for when he wants to claim it does, for the purpose of manipulation.
Snarkandgrace
If it had any value (monetarily or to him) is it likely he would have it hanging from his rear view mirror? Me thinks its a lie.
but but but…. he liked to keep it near him to remind him of his sweet Granny…. (insert eyeroll emoji here) He only lies when his lips are moving, though, so….. uuugghh. Me and my damned emotional thinking. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even his grandmother’s ring (probably came from a Cracker Jack box) but as sure as I toss it, his sister will show up asking for the family heirloom. Damn thing just lurks in the bottom of my jewelry box flaunting its everpresence…. Think I’ll take it to the beach next weekend and give it a ceremonial burial at sea…. at least that way I’ll get to go to the beach. Who wants to go with??!!
Exactly. He wouldnt of given it to you if it meant that much to him. More like pawned it off if it had any value. I cant see a narc attaching to items based on sentiment value. I dont think narcs do sentimental.
This is something that plagues me. I’ve got him labeled dead to rights as a narcissist, but what if I’m wrong? He seems to attach so much sentimental value to objects, and I don’t think a narcissist would be capable of seeing sentimental value since they have no sentiment. When he gave me gifts, there was always some sort of reference to a memory or a person attached to the gift. But was he actually doing that because he’s sentimental, or was he doing that because he knows I’m sentimental? He has sent me boxes of things that “he just can’t look at anymore because they remind him of me.” I chalked it up to his BS of pulling at my heart strings and establishing everpresence.
I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring…. always have. He claims to have given his grandmother’s ring to me *because* it means so much to him…. Much in the same way my grandmother wanted me to have her ring…. So if he’s a narcissist, he gave me the ring because he knows I’m a sentimental fool and he knew that would tug at my heartstrings… if he’s not a narcissist…..
And this is where emotional thinking gets me…. then I recall the stalking, the lies, the fake terminal illnesses that “he beat”, the death threats…… and if he’s not a narcissist, he is just a plain old, run-of-the-mill abuser…. Either way, no contact is my best, safest move, but dang….. what a mind fuck…..
Snarkandgrace,
I too thought the exact same…”What if he really isn’t a Narcissist?” But at the end of the day, it matters not if we have a label for them. They are still evil manipulative con artists and abusers.
BLOCK.
That is a good point about the label. My mom asked me about my ex of 15 plus years I was with and I said I could not tell if he was or not but he certainly shared many traits at different level on the continuum.
Today I remembered that he has me destroy all my past bf love letters ( I have a big box with all the letters I have received since I am a kid ) Hé felt really threatened by it. He wanted me to destroy all my letters – Grand parents , friends , siblings etc but I never did. So maybe he was a narc after all.
Snarkandgrace
Stalking
Lies
Fake terminal illnesses
Death threats
And from your previous posts: Smearing
What if hes not a narcissist?
SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Even if he were just run of the mill fucked…
STAY NO CONTACT.
Yes ma’am, NarcAngel. I am keeping my head down forever this time! Any time I feel like I’m getting all squishy, I will come back here and read THIS POST! 🙂 I sometimes wonder if I’m wrong about the narcissism, but I don’t even care about that anymore….. I’m not wrong about the crazy pants, so No contact it is! Thanks for keeping us all in line!
Hi NarcAngel,
I received a notification of your response to my comment about the briefcase..but somehow both my comment and your reply aren’t there anymore??
Anyway, not sure the gift was given to show optimism! Mind you the briefcase had been branded with our family name and of course my father forced me to take it to school. Imagine that.
It was the 80s, but still…
EmP
Gremlins must be running amuck at WordPress again. Things have disappeared and the posts are out of order to what they were. Also, I will see under a comment 10 thumbs up but it will say 1 person liked this comment.
In any case, I guess he made you his little sandwich board in getting his name out there lol. I picture your little frame dragging around a briefcase and its adorable, although I’m sure thats not what the other kids said about it, so sorry about that. Its good you can laugh at it now.
Yes, I looked quite ridiculous walking around with that big, custom branded briefcase.
And to be honest, my family name wasn’t exactly something to be proud of (lots of stories there, some of which I might be sharing with the rest of you at some point).
EmP
I really hope when the kids teased you and asked: whats in there? You gave a little grin and whispered: body parts. Oh!…and my lunch.
At least that would have been my big sister advice to you. Most families have skeletons, youre not alone there.
Ha. NarcAngel, your comment made me think of the Pulp Fiction briefcase.
What happens when you give the gift back since you have no intentions of using it?
it depends on how you do so, but it would either wound or be challenge fuel.
Reading the comments just bring me back to earlier comments about knowing they will ditch you and not wanting a gift. Narc number 2: it was our anniversary November 6, 4 years. I proposed we buy something nice to each others and he threw me a tantrum and was very adamant that this was a very bad idea.
When we had our 4th year evening, I did not mention the gift thing , nor bought him anything, he eluded and apologized for his strong reaction.
1 month later he was ghosting on me and never heard from him again. It has been 3 years last December. I guess he did not want to spend on me knowing he was going to disengage.
He was really cheap with gifts, he never bought me anything, he was really wealthy and we were always splitting 50-50 except for things he could put on business expenditure.
I bought him a lot of things at the begining, but stopped when I saw he was not returning the gesture.
but he kept saying that everything that was his, was mine…
He is one I would love to get revenge over.
What gifts? During the 6 long years,
I received a very cheap butterfly necklace.
Then a ring he gave me, only for him to get into fury, and told me to give it back the very next day. (that was my last straw day over 3 months ago)
LOL….
I’m pretty sure I ended up buying all my gifts…..
He’d put deposits on holidays, I’d end up funding the remainder. He borrowed money to purchase my engagement ring set but I ended up paying half, he would give away any surprises before I received them (small pathetic gestures that required grand praise) when he would spend his money on anything he deemed lavish (a nice restaurant/night away) he would then have no money left so I still paid for everything else!
He knew already I was financially stable and reliable, he shifted from job to job, he clearly didn’t worry about any financial stress like the amount of driving fines/previous debts he bought with him, I was/am a hard working single mother of two children… he became the third!!!
Urg my skin crawls!!! (2yrs gone) woop!
My exnarc was the opposite of the narc im with now. He was a gift giver. When he was in the UK hed send over gift cards thru amazon. Its worth double the amount here. I do wonder if the money was his parents seeing he lived at home when he went back. He still sends the odd gift card via email which i dont open.
He however was not reliable and would disappear for a few days with no explanation. That is something i cant tolerate.
Carol … in due time. I will soon know.
I keep all my gifts – he is the first generous Narc after my father of course who was showering me with gifts – jewels etc … he still does 🙂
I was given christening jewellery. A TINY bracelet inside a TINY box (the niece had just been baptised).
I was given chunks of dark chocolate (I only ate milk chocolate at the time).
I was given lingerie (cheap/department-store type lingerie) with NO TAG on it – it was left on my doorstep inside a plastic bag with the logo of a different brand of lingerie on it.
But I received the worst gift EVER from my narcissistic father when I was about 9 or 10: a briefcase. Who gives a briefcase to a child FFS?
EmP
The empath in me offers that your Dad was optimistic while the narc in me says he was equipping you to carry your baggage.
This section helps me a lot when in doubt – coincidence or not, all narcs I have met so far are the worst gifters ever. So whenever I want to be sure if a person is a narc or not, I pay close attention to special occasions to see what gift will they provide.
Another tidbit to see if a person is a narc, ask them to do something you know they don’t want to do . . . .
Depends on when you pose the question.
Oh, thanks Freedom, I will have plenty of oportunity to try this one, lol!
That is spot on, and gifts were used for new supply each time she moved house. New supply would almost weep with the thoughtfulness. Sometimes she would be wearing a beautiful/clearly costly and unusual necklace or shoes and pretend it was a gift from a highly regarded ‘friend’, that i might not run into. Also it would have sounded a little silly or pass temarkable for me to comment on that gift to that person. Something told me, that ‘it sort of just did not add up’, and it was just the thing she would have bought herself!, She narc relied on that and used more triangulation.. Why do they rely on isolating you from people, knowing you won’t say about a niggling feeling, how can the be so powerful in this triangulation and pitting one against the other. It would not suit if we ever got together and by accident compared notes. Now that would make the gatekeeper furious!!
Almost thirty years ag, I was exchanging gifts for the first time with my ex-husband’s family. The first gift that I opened was from his grandmother. It was a costume jewelry chain type bracelet. I told her how much I liked it, especially because it was not a bangle bracelet and that I hate bangle bracelets.
My ex’s mother, “the wicked witch of the east”, a definite Narcissist sat there glowering. This seemed odd. Until she handed her gift to me and I opened it – a beautifully wrapped blue Tiffany box and inside was – you guessed it – a bangle bracelet!!!
Hello Kate,
Had you previously told your ex-husband that you did not like bangle bracelets?
Narcissists look for any kind of information about us. My MIL used to ask my husband what I liked and what I did not and bought me the latter. Passive-aggressive behaviour. It was never a coincidence.
Hi EB,
No, I do not recall a conversation about bangle bracelets with my ex – he would not have found it interesting. That’s the beauty of the whole thing and why it is beyond hilarious to me! Everyone looked dumbfounded and uncomfortable. I felt terrible, trying so hard to apologize and nothing I said made a difference. It wasn’t funny to me then, but it is now because of her behaviors that give me reasons for referring to her as “the wicked witch of the east”. Truly evil people in that family. My son and I are much better off without all of them.
Tell the narc you hate the Bugotti Chiron.
You just confirmed 2 things.
How horridly ungrateful she gossiped you to be …& she got to show you her Matri Narc power position.
Heaven to be rid of that cancer! Cheers!
Thank you, Kensey! It certainly is good to be rid of her! She ultimately got knocked out of our lives when my son was around eight years old.
She flew off on a sputtering broom..
Feast or famine. Showered with gifts or nothing at all. Birthdays “just a number’ apparently.. Birthdays usually played down to insignificance…except when it was his.
Loved Christmas like a child.. Complete with tantrums.
Ahhhh gifts. For once I have nothing really to share as I never really got gifts from him. The closet thing I could pinpoint to a material gift was when took me to dinner or inviting me to see his shows. That was pretty much it.
Oh but his time. His time and attention was the largest gift which he gave in numerous quantity. And he took all of of that away.
My marcs similiar. Ive gotten gifts but my narc is very cheap. I think its from a standpoint hes afraid to splurge on a woman for fear she will take advantage of him financially. Its a fear of being made a fool of if that makes sense.
Hes given more of his time and being reliable. To me thats more important. Some women want to be wined and dined whisked away and spoiled with gifts but tbh thatd make me feel very awkward almost like it was used as a tool which we know narcs do. It seems shallow. Same goes for men that are conceited and into their looks. Ive never liked that trait. I love a man to take pride in his health and be in shape but not primping in front of the mirror or flexing his muscles…shallow and unattractive.
My narcs never used gifts as his lure.
Im certain hes not a somatic.
Narc Affair,
I am still fairly certain he’s a cerebral over here. He never used gifts to lure me either. In fact he often told me how uncomfortable he was with me buying him gifts. “I do not deserve gifts”, “You do not need to do that”, “Please do not buy me anything anymore” (all said so nicely and WOE IS ME).
He is VERY contradictory so for awhile I thought he would renege on that and then wonder why I stopped buying him stuff (because he always flip flopped on everything else he said EXCEPT THAT). That was the only thing he never contradicted his stance on. To stop buying him stuff. It really seemed to bother him that I did that. I still have no idea if this was manipulative or if he actually had some type of legitimate upset regarding me giving him gifts.
The gifts I gave were not really extreme either. 2 examples were a metal tin with superhero characters on it filled with his favorite candy (he was obsessed with all things superhero related, like a little boy)….the other gift I gave him was a batman shirt (not a graphic T but a collared white button down shirt with mini black batman insignias on it). I told him it was so he can represent his favorite superhero AND look stylish at the same time.
Each time he got those gifts he seemed floored and shocked that someone thought well enough of him to buy such things. He seemed flattered but also uncomfortable (yet was never rude about it).
You said your narc was afraid to spend. I wonder if mine was the same. He seemed afraid to receive gifts.
Hi narc affair, I couldn’t agree more with you about material things. Mine was the kind of man who used his economic resources to spoil me a lot. It was a whirlwind romance of being whisked away for romantic weekends abroad, fancy dinners and expensive hotels. He didn’t do this only in the beginning though; our relationship was pretty much the same when it came to that during our years together. At first he bought me luxurious gifts as well, but that stopped after awhile. And the funny thing is that I knew he was trying to impress me so hard in the beginning, believing that was the way to ensnare me; and of course it was fun at times; but I’m not at all a person impressed by money, contacts or superficial things. And he never saw that ever; he never saw me for who I am; it’s so sad really. I loved him not for his success; I loved him because I saw through it and thought I saw the vulnerable man behind it. I used to tell him I’d rather have a hot dog on a park bench in the midst of a snowy evening in January than to eat in another expensive restaurant and I truly meant it. I was in it for him; not for anything else. I want authenticity, not to be bought and I ended up feeling that was what he tried to do. And I guess my vision got so clouded from trying to see through his successful façade that I couldn’t see the fact that behind all that there wasn’t anything there; no vulnerability, no empathy, no person at all. Just emptiness.
Catherine i was the same – was in it for him 100% but with time – when the salami started and the fights and that I started to understand who he was … I started to look out for the residual benefits
On my journey,
Yes, it’s quite tragic isn’t it? In my case he never saw me for who I am and instead he tried to impress me with his façade; and I on the other hand never saw him for who he was because I was determined to find the true person behind this façade, never realising that the chase after the rainbow was in vain because there was nothing there to see. There was no treasure. We were both delusional.
Hi challenge fuel…wow my narcs the exact way when i buy him a gift he gets quiet and thanks me but says you didnt have to get me anything. He tells me to buy for my kids and he doesnt expect anything. He really seems awkward about it and i think ive pinpointed why. Its bc they know they will be devaluing you and they know theyre schmucks for accepting a gift when they know they HAVE to devalue. Its that fear of attachment. They dont want strings attached they want cool and detached. Thats not to say some narcs want gifts and will gladly take bc there are many.
I think narcs are on a spectrum and some narcs have a sliver of conscience and know they dont deserve a gift bc they plan to devalue you in the near future. They also are aware of all the shananigans theyre up to that you arent aware of.
Narc Affair
Except that narcs dont do guilt, conscience, or think theyre schmucks. Isnt that projecting our emotional thinking on them? They are however, not above manipulating us into thinking that they are not worthy and aw schucks dont spend that on me, so you think that they do have these qualities and it melts your heart. Dont kid yourself-they think they deserve EVERYTHING, and they can get it through this manipulation of empath emotional thinking because it works.
Now report to the naughty stool.
Narc Affair,
Holy hell I often forget that we have almost the same MMRN! Mine says similiar shit to yours.
“I do not deserve gifts kiddo” is a frequent sentence I hear. Another I heard was how “this was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me….” I actually rolled my eyes at that comment and said “oh please, I am sure your wife has done things for you that were just as sweet if not more than that”. He says “yes she has but this….wow. I do not deserve you Gabrielle” I did not respond.
Now that it seems I have been in corrective devaluation/shelved purgatory for God only knows how long he has yet to say those words to me again. He must have a 6th sense because I have a comment prepared in response this time of “yes you do not deserve it, or me.”
Good explanation about the sliver of conscience and knowing they will devalue. Makes sense why me (although a long distance DLS) got no gifts other than an occasional dinner and of course a comp ticket to any piano recitals.
Because he made such a big deal that I not buy him stuff, I stopped. So my gifts just became more “from the heart” (aka: my written word). I wrote for him. “40 Reasons Why I Love You” was one that came to mind. And after I shared it with him he had his look on his face (deer in headlights) and just whispered. “Wow. This is….overwhelming” He seemed shocked at my feelings. I figured in his usual self deprecating way he would go through each one of those things (and only 10 out of the 40 were naughty) and try to find fault with or disagree with it but he didn’t. He was just….quiet and reserved. He seemed very surprised. I mean I am sure it must have been “fueling” but I got the feeling it was a bit much.
I almost expected him to ask me to stop writing stuff for him (like “do not get me gifts please”) but he didn’t. I told him I’d respect his wishes to not buy him gifts but he’d never silence my written word. How does that saying go? The pen is mightier than my debit card?
Okay this was way longer than I planned it to be but I think you get my point. Bottom line, you do not deserve me piano recital.
Hi catherine…that is sad knowing he was using money and success to lure you when all he had to do was be himself and be genuine. Thats where the inner shame sabatoges bc they feel if people knew the shame based version no one would like them which is false its the fake version people end up hating.
That’s so true narc affair. And I agree with you that giving time and being reliable is worth so much more than spending money on you. That’s what I longed for all the time.
“Now report to the naughty stool.”
Was it ever revealed what happened on that naughty stool? My salacious mind would love to know.
I soon noticed he always want to upmanship what my exes have given me. So whenever I have a Vuitton bag or Tiffany jewelry … it always comes from my ex !!!
He always tells me I am the best at gifts. He always jumps up and down with my gifts and write many thanks you notes etc. He says …. all the other ones are so bad at gifts …. I am sure he tells them all they are the best so we all work hard to chose very nice gifts for him.
Darling, keep the bags, discard the narcs! A Louis Vuitton worths more than half my romantic relationships.
LOL Gift giving not his forte . . .
One time he went to the Galapagos Islands on holiday . . . I couldn’t go with him, of course, becuz supposedly cruise and trip was a gift to him from his mother, who he says he hates and only talks about the day she dies and he inherits her millions . . .
In the Islands, there is a species of birds called boobies. He bought me a T-shirt with two birds on it and BOOBIES written across my breasts. I hope youre laughing cuz I am!!! He knew I was disappointed and then he explained to me about these very popular, wonderful birds, that I had never heard of before. Obviously, I was disappointed and never wore it.
Another time he bought me a box of delicious, imported candy. He asked me if he could have one. Being the nice empath that I am, of course! He sat in front of me and ate the entire box . . . right there, right then LOL
I have other stories, but these two of my favorites.
What a cheapskate he could be.
The boobies t-shirt anecdote is HILARIOUS 🙂
LMAO . . . I’m so pleased you found the humor in that “gift.” It is hilarious. Like an adolescent immature boy would buy his girlfriend. But I know he gifted that to me to be mean.
I still have it. I can’t donate it . . . burn it perhaps? I wish I knew his new girlfriend so I could send it to her . . . but no reason to be mean to her. That poor girl will wish she had never met him soon enough. xoxo
Ha ha.. ChainofFools, you certainly made me laugh now. I got some expensive gifts in the beginning that were strangely off, not at all personal or something I wanted or needed, but for my last birthday together he excelled in his gift giving skills and bought me 4 kg of assorted candies (I don’t like candies much) and being the self proclaimed victim of all evil and carrying all the imaginable betrayals of the world on his not so stoical shoulders he used his fabulous art of blame shifting on me and told me while handing over those candies that his arm now hurt terribly from having to pick and mix all those candies in the store himself and he was thereby both in pain and horribly traumatised by the whole experience. So it was all my fault. Why did I even have to have a birthday? Wouldn’t it do not to have one?
LMAO. I need all the laughs i can get today. Thank you! It is similar to dealing with a 3 yr old . . . I just started looking at my ex as a baby which made being around him prior to the discard more bearable. X
don’t you wish he would have choke from eating one ! LOL
Catherine
Jesus. How can any man who is injured and traumatized from bagging candy hope to rock your world in the sack? Funny how men can claim to be in more agony than giving birth from something as benign as a cold but their dick still works. Not just Narcs either.
Hoovered, yes, I tend to think of him sometimes that way too now; he projected all his miseries onto me; he thought my temper was the problem; he accused me of wanting to pick fights with him, anything really that he wouldn’t admit was about him and not me. Like a baby.. ha ha..
On my journey, yes that would’ve been a nice outcome. Instead he proceeded to destroy the rest of the evening by telling me that he’d wanted to buy me something else – a cabin bag I needed – but since I hadn’t told him which one I wanted it was my fault of course that I didn’t get one and to keep the peace I ended up feeling guilty that I wasn’t a mind reader and thanking him for something he didn’t give me; not then; not afterwards either. He then continued my birthday by picking fights with waiters and picking fights with taxi drivers and acting obnoxious and horrible. Now today, reflecting on it, I don’t know why I just didn’t get up and leave him then and there. We were on a trip, but that’s no excuse. My life then revolved around trying to please him to keep the peace and to keep up appearances I guess.
Narc Angel, ha ha.. he did rock my world in bed in the beginning, but by then not at all. I presume it became difficult having that bad arm from bagging all those candies.. ha ha..
ChainofFools…he ate the entire box of candy? WOW….
Mine made me a gift and put a lot of attention to detail into it…but this past year I got two reusable grocery bags. My first birthday with him, I got invited to a meal at his house (to which his mom offered “well we had to eat anyway”) and this year he called me to remind me I was a year older.
Geyserempath, yes he’s a pig. Lol . . . Watching him eat my candy, supposedly my candy, I started my devaluating process of him!
OMG! I guess you dated my nex! Let me guess, he’s Polish living in Sweden and his millionaire mother lives in Amsterdam?! Because mine did exactly the same, gave me ridiculous a shirt of a supposed vegan NGO he supports and did a very ‘serious’ speech about it and once asked if he could have a bite of my 300g bar of Milka and ate it all right in front of me. Also he complained for a whole week about a subscription at some online languages classes, which were around 5 euros per month. I guess it is the very same creepy *ssh#le! Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn
LOL HG, this is the best post to date . . . I suppose when one is buying gifts for numerous conquests, one has to watch their pennies. HG, what kind of gift giver are you?
An impressive one.
Sad and unnecessary since your greatest gifts have no dollar value attached (at a personal level). My feeling is that purchased gifts have a sense of expectancy and indebtedness attached. If someone is dazzled by material gifts there is a problem with validation and/or ego which is I suppose is why it it successful for your kind.
Carol, our ex’s lead parallel lives or perhaps brothers from another mother lol. And I thought my Adonis was one of a kind . . . balloon popper!
Blue footed Boobies, by any chance?! They don’t get mentioned very often, but they are amazing looking!
Can’t say I’d want them on a t-shirt though! 🙄😂 it’s down there with toilet humour, which my son loves, but there again, he is only 9!! 😂
Yes indeed . . . the birds r amazing and have more class I’m sure of it!
I think my ex is approximately of that age as well!!!
Hi chainoffools …eating the box of chocolates in front of you? Now that is an all time low lol its amazing how tacky narcs can be.
I learn something new from you everyday HG. I‘m a Iow maintenance kinda girl. I always thought they were Louis Vuitton shoes 😂 My country is showing. I’ll just have some Tony Lama’s please.
Louis Vuitton are the best purses,but if you want the best pair of shoes you must try a Louboutin 😀
Ha ha! Only way I’m getting them is if they ARE a gift. No way I’m spending that on a pair of shoes! It’s like really expensive wine, I want to taste it, but somebody else is gonna have to be paying!
Gifts from the Narc? Always sex toys.
Mine gives me lingerie and sex toys.
“Mine gives me lingerie and sex toys.”
“Gifts from the Narc? Always sex toys.”
I am starting to wonder if most mid-ranger narcs are also sex addicts in addition to being mid-ranger narcs.
My narcissist ;
Because he put rings on my finger , he seems to think { in his mind } that he owns me , quite the way one would ” own ” a favorite pair of shoes . 💕
And when he feels an imaginary slight , or he feels as if he’s being ignored , he throws a hissy fit , & demands I give the rings back , says Im ” not worthy ” of wearing his rings , that Im ” not worthy ” to be married to him , or for him to call me his wife !!! 💜
😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠
Some rings get flushed or thrown out windows….
Hers should.
Or sold st a pawn shop
The money spent in therapy must come from somewhere, after all.