The Narcissist Online – The Somatic
How do you spot a Somatic Narcissist online?
I have explained before how the advancements in technology have created a haven for our kind. The internet has become a prime hunting ground for all schools and all cadres of narcissist. From social media to dating websites to chatrooms, the existence of cyberspace has created so many opportunities for us to target and hunt down our victims. Not only that, technology has extended our reach, allowed us to target multiple victims, remain in contact with scores of prospects and do so at any time from nearly any part of the world. It is little wonder that our kind cruise, shark-like, through cyberspace, seeking our victims.
There is much to be said for you staying away from the internet. Not only are you closing down various avenues for the narcissist you have just banished through no contact, to prevent hoovers, you are also reducing the risk of being ensnared by another one. However, the internet and all of its accoutrements are regular fixtures in most people’s lives and therefore such blanket avoidance is not only impractical it may not be desired. Why should you let our kind force you into no longer enjoying the benefits of the information superhighway?
Accordingly, you wish to maintain a presence in cyber space and so you must adopt a position of vigilance. I have detailed previously the ways in which we look for our victims through the various portals of the internet, the types of behaviour, the profiles, the postings and the engagements which not only show you are susceptible to being seduced but highlight your empathic traits so you have a neon light above you, drawing us to you. How about you being in a position to spot our kind when we are on the internet? This is clearly a worthwhile skill to hone as part of your Narcdar, in identifying us.
One of the most prominent places that this identification takes place is with regards to dating websites and it is there that I shall show you what you ought to be looking out for in two distinct stages. The first is the type of indicators that you might see on the profile page of our kind on a dating website. The second are the tells that occur when you first engage with our kind on such a website when you begin the excitement of flagging your interest and exchanging message. I will therefore detail the indicators in these two stages which you ought to be aware of so that you can determine whether the person is one of our kind and therefore you can dodge the bullet, escape the tendril and evade the narcissist.
Keep in mind that these are indicators, two or three is nothing to be concerned about. Yes, this shows that there are narcissistic traits in evidence but once it goes beyond three of these indicators you need to become wary. The more indicators there are, the more likely it is that this person in cyberspace is a narcissist and you are skirting on the edge of being seduced.
Let us begin with the Somatic Narcissist. The Somatic Narcissist is one of the four cadres and is generally defined as a narcissist who has a pre-occupation with appearance, looks, material possessions, sex, status and the earnings of himself and those around him. What should you be aware of when you are working your way through those dating profiles and what should you pay heed to should you commence in messaging somebody on these sites to determine whether this person is more likely than not a Somatic Narcissist ?
- In respect of a male somatic narcissist the profile picture will show the individual bare-chested to show off his physique. In the case of a female narcissist the picture will be glamorous with the narcissist made-up, pouting and quite possibly utilising a professionally taken picture. In both sexes the photo may also show the individual next to an expensive or flash-looking car, undertaking some kind of adrenaline pursuit, such as flying through the air on a mountain bike or a grinning shot as the individual parachutes from a plane or the picture will be of the individual against the backdrop of a chasm or a luxurious beach.
- If the profile contains more than nine additional pictures as well as the profile picture, this is an indicator of a somatic narcissist. Pay attention to the individual striking the same pose in each picture such as the man flexing his muscles to show off his ‘guns’, adopting a Usain Bolt stance, pouting or standing with one hand on hip. These are all indicators.
- If the pictures only have the profile holder in them, this is a further indicator.
- There will be no mention of having been single for some time, looking for love for a period of time or anything to denote that the individual has been alone.
- The individual will make mention of his or her employment, job position and/or earning capacity in the profile text. If the site provides a bracket for the individual’s earning to be entered, they will be and they will be listed in six figures whether this is true or not.
- The individual will not make mention of wanting to engage in pursuits such as staying in and getting cosy by the fire, going for romantic walks, watching films together. These are regarded as vanilla and boring by the somatic narcissist. An absence of mentioning these things is an indicator. If phrases such as those above are included, this is a downward indicator.
- The somatic narcissist will make reference to various interests which will include outdoor pursuits, adrenaline fix pursuits, attendance at a gym, sports and anything which denotes the pursuit of competitive physical excellence. If there are references to winning events such as an Iron Man Triathlon, running the New York marathon or similar this is a double indicator.
- There will be repeated reference to travel. Specifically, look out for reference to exotic beach holidays and holidays which involve pursuits such as ski-ing, trekking, kayaking around islands and such like. There is unlikely to be mention of places where one might undertake sight-seeing of landmarks and such like. The somatic narcissist is there to be the sight seen, not to sight see.
- If there are references to where the individual lives in terms of an upmarket area as opposed to the region or city, references to the size and style of accommodation or reference to additional places where the individual lives, these are indicators.
- If the profile states that the individual dislikes lazy people, people who do nothing, out of shape people etc. this is a firm indicator. The somatic narcissist has no concern about letting people know what he does not like and his lack of tact will mean that it will be rude and disparaging.
- If the profile makes reference to sexual prowess of proficiency this is a firm indicator also. Again, the somatic narcissist is unlikely to apply tact to the situation and is content to brag about such matters.
- References to shopping, shoe collections, extensive technology collections, record collections trainer collections and similar are also indicators.
- The profile of a somatic narcissist is likely to make reference to nights out at glamorous places, going to bars, wanting to be seen, mixing with people and such like.
- If the individual references somebody famous in their profile either purporting to know them or quoting from that individual – who is likely to be a sports person – this is an additional indicator.
- Re-read the profile. If you read it back and immediately hear the voice of someone talking quickly as if pumped up on adrenaline and Red Bull, with exhortations of ‘yeah’, ‘hell’ and ‘woo’ whilst a fist pump or a high five is being delivered, this is a considerable warning sign.
- The profile of the somatic narcissist will be 90 per cent about him or her with a smaller section reserved for what he or she does not want and also what he or she is looking for. The looking for section will be up front about wanting someone who is physically attractive and engages in similar activities. This is actually paying lip service to considering the other person. The somatic narcissist IS the draw and really is not overly interested in what the other person does. Not at this stage.
The more indicators you identify from this profile and its accompanying pictures, the higher the likelihood that this individual is a somatic narcissist.
If you engage with somebody on a dating website and exchange messages, then you should be aware of the following indicators which all evidence that you are engaging with a somatic narcissist.
- They will respond quickly to your messages. They will also badger you if you have not answered their message promptly. If there has been a flurry of messaging, then you have slowed in your response times and you have been badgered to respond, when you do respond there is silence, the somatic narcissist has moved on to a different target and you have been forgotten about. Understand that all narcissists using such sights will have multiple prospects in order to maximise both fuel and the opportunities of ensnaring suitable prey and anyone who fails to keep up with the pace will be left behind.
- Expect messages to be short and to the point. The lesser somatic will use text speak a lot. The mid-range and greater less so, but their messages will not be long or flowery.
- You will be asked for your mobile number and offered his or hers within five exchanges.
- You will be asked direct questions about your profile pictures. Is it you? Is it a recent picture? Where was it taken?
- You will be sent bare chest and dick pictures by the male somatic, topless and bottom pictures by the female somatic, whilst you will be repeatedly pressed to reciprocate.
- The content of the messages will become sexual between five and ten exchanges. If mobile numbers have been exchanged expect to engage in sexting and talking dirty down the phone to one another. This will be wanted or engaged in before any suggestion of a date has taken place.
- The somatic narcissist will appear to be interested in you experiencing his or pursuits ‘I would love to take you rock climbing, you will really enjoy it’ or ‘We could go camping and do some hunting, it will be a blast.’ There will be an assumption that you will enjoy it. The somatic narcissist may appear encouraging by offering to instruct you, teach you etc. so this appears that they are kind and taking an interest. This is being done purely to show that they are an expert and to test your credentials to be their victim by ascertaining whether you have the right class traits.
- You can expect to be asked your opinion about various matters which are of value to the somatic narcissist. What you do for a living, how much you earn, where you live, where you holiday, what type of car you drive, what you think of certain places, what you think of certain famous people. This may appear like taking an interest in your preferences. It is being done to garner information to ensure that you accord with the somatic class traits and to mine for intelligence which can then be used to mirror and seduce once the somatic narcissist is satisfied that you are a decent prospect worth expending further time and energy on. Do not expect to be asked about books, art, religion, politics, economics, current affairs or similar matters. If you engage in a conversation using those topics you will witness the topic being shut down and moved to something else in order to return to relevant somatic topics.
- The somatic will appear very keen and enthusiastic but it will border on pushy in terms of wanting replies, wanting pictures and wanting to meet up. You are likely to put it down to being very interested in you and the somatic narcissist will only confirm that to be the case if challenged. He or she is keen to draw fuel from your messages but even keener to move to meeting you and this will be pushed for quickly, in around ten or so exchanges and within just a day of making contact.
A significant aggregate of these indicators both from the profile and the subsequent engagement will tell you readily enough that you have been interacting with a somatic narcissist and therefore you should heed all these red flags before meeting the individual concerned, since doing so means you will become at a far greater risk of being successfully seduced in person.
56 thoughts on “The Narcissist Online – The Somatic”
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Dammit! I was asking a Q and something went wrong so if this is appearing twice, I apologize. I just signed up for a dating site for the first time ever. I’m seeing a lot of men say on their profile “No drama, please”. I read it as, “Don’t bother me if you have a feeling to express about something I’ve done that you don’t like”. Also, I see a lot of men say “I’m a tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy. Some people are offended, but most people appreciate the honesty”. This seems like a pre-emptive excuse to be tactless, like you described in your article. Am I interpreting this correctly? A lot of them are saying these.
You are.
Just looking for NSA fun, or, “do you have kik?” – if they’re above 30 and on kik they’re cruising teenagers as well – aside from which, they just see you as an extention of porn viewing. Beware of trying to humanise the perverts, because it will give you a false sense of security.
I can’t stand the men on dating websites! They all suck so bad and some are pretty scary. Most seem as if they have no clue about women whatsoever! I feel most of the men on there just recycle all the women on the website in and amongst each other. Sorry to be so negative but I roll my eyes so often when I have been on the websites dealing with these total idiots!
So this is what I will say to him if he ever tries to talk to me again….and that is….don’t talk to me you future faking piece of shit!
Also probably didn’t help that he was a senior project manager. So yeah very good at his job…managing projects. I suppose one could use those skills in a relationship as well or whatever we were. Senior project manager over a big name website where he managed 15 software engineers. So yeah pretty intelligent individual. Highly esteemed by his employer as well. I believe he also won prizes and nobility from the things he built on the website as well…a long list of achievements through his career. One reason I looked up to him so much as I find intelligence and skills like his to be highly attractive. I am clueless in such areas myself. I hope he never reads this website! I’m not naming him or the company he works for so I think that’s ok to say what his career was because there are many big name websites and senior project managers out there. So his identity is safe as I would never reveal it ever! I am not that stupid to ever cross him in that way. Plus it’s a respect thing.
K
Also….an example of how he could bend me to his will in less then a few texted semtences…such as I wanted to go to a casino with my nurse friends after work they had invited me…I had never gambled before or been to a casino and I told him if my plans right before I was to get off work. He simply said Oh yeah go gamble away your rent and the money you need to get your passport. Then I felt incredible guilt and I knew he didn’t want me to do it….so I cancelled immediately and went home and went to bed….or once when I was chatting with a neighbor over some wine I was scheduled to talk to him but my neighbor wanted to talk longer and I didn’t want to be rude to her…so I sent him a message conveying i need more time and the situation….and he simply said go ahead keep talking to her….then I felt guilty and I knew he didn’t want me to so I sent the neighbor home and called him. He had a lot of control with very little effort. Just the tone of his voice or a look on his face or his words made me stop and conform to his wishes. I was highly untuned to wanting to please him and never make him mad. I both adored him and looked up to him highly. He wasn’t my everything in such a short period of time. I was never in so much adoration of anyone like I was him. However I did rebel in a lot of ways and he definitely did not like that.
RealitySetsIn
Part 2
so I cancelled immediately and went home and went to bed…. is an excellent example of imposed isolation and control.
You have the empath traits of decency, caring and listening: my neighbor wanted to talk longer and I didn’t want to be rude to her…
HG is right about about guilt, you wear it around your neck like a noose and all your ex had to do was give it a little tug and he was able to control you. The golden period is so powerful that you were like putty in his narcissistic hands. I rebelled too…they get really pissy when you do that. What I thought was passionate discourse was really wounding. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Better to GTFO while the getting’s good.
K
Yes I’m certain more than ever now that he was definitely a greater. I have never experienced a person like him ever. Never have I seen someone who can control his emotions like he did. So very calculated so in control. To be honest he was the opposite of me and I almost admired him for it. I wished I could be more like that with my emotions. Just I wouldn’t want to be so heartless. Otherwise though I could use some control of myself lol. I’ve never met anyone like I said that had that much control of his anger or to be so calculating. That’s probably why he is so successful in his life achievements wise but maybe not relationship wise. But yeah! I have no idea what he saw in me. Why he would want someone like me the total opposite of him. I do believe however there was something about me that broke him in some way because he did eventually have to abandon mission with me. Which is probably for the best. Maybe I was just a temporary fuel supply in between his greater conquests. Women more like himself with more achievements. Although in the golden period he did have a well oiled plan for my achievements and said he was willing to help me achieve what I wanted but yeah anyways. That ship sailed and I’m sure it’s for the best emotional wise. I feel he had a great potential to manage me and get me where he wanted me. Like I have said in the past nobody could calm me like he did or help me stabilize like he could but I think I was going to be too much work and he saw me as a bit to hard.
RealitySetsIn
I know what he saw in you: fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Narcissists do not like to waste energy on appliances unless they are getting something out of it. His heartlessness (read: lack of remorse, guilt or conscience) was most likely the reason behind his success in business but not in relationships, sometimes, greaters have short attention spans and that well oiled plan for your achievements was a future fake, I think. People who can control their emotions can be admirable, however, the down side is the potential for cruelty. Perhaps he was done with you or you were too non-compliant, who knows? At least you are here working it all out and that will help you feel better so you can move on.
K
Thank you for your feed back very kind. I will say as far as future faking goes…I’m guessing his beloved ex wife who spent 8 long years with him wasn’t filer faked eh? She got to go to all of the places he said he wanted to take me and he stayed with her that long and I’m sure he helped her career being that she herself is doing pretty good achievement wise. Lucky her eh? Now he claims she’s a demon and he can’t stand her. They have a 9 year old together now. Yes he once told me that he had already done all of that with her and that he wanted to do it all over again with me. He also said that he felt closer to me then he ever did to her in 8 whole years! I know it was a lie. Anyways….he didn’t future fake her since they didn’t after all have a future together. So I guess I was the lucky one to be future faked eh?
My pleasure, RealitySetsIn
I don’t mind your French at all, occasionally, I speak it quite fluently myself. It is difficult to determine what when on between him and his ex-wife but she may have been future faked and, of course, she is a demon and he can’t stand her (smearing). He had to roll out the future fakes with you because he wanted to bind you to him in order to maintain control and secure your fuel. And I wouldn’t put it past a narcissist to future fake up until disengagement; they are quite manipulative and will do anything without compunction. Yup, you can’t win for losing with these types. Best to just cut your losses and walk away, while you still have your sanity.
K
And you know what….that faggot didn’t even have to say all of that bullshit to me in the first place…but he did indeed….I wasn’t probing for all of that bullshit future faking BS! But then again maybe he did need to do all of that to keep me interested or get me hooked….as he was not at all physically attractive! Or at least not my type or anybody’s type for that matter….however I will say that after he hooked me I was attracted to him irregardless of his outward looks! Fingggg faggot! I sacrificed in that department and he still turned out to be an asshole! Yes your right you just can’t win for fucking losing! Pardon my French.
RealitySetsIn
Please read Snakes in Suits and also remember that you have everything, all ressources, within yourself to be balanced, calm, focused .. and to reach any goal you wish to.
Me too!!! I also attract the cerebrals as well.
HG can you please make an article like this for cerebral and elite narcs online as well? I always attract elites and cerebrals more than somatics so it would be nice to have more warning signs about them.
I attract those too.
But just to expound on this. I did attract a somatic once just on a fluke. And I will say that if you don’t give them immediately the fuel they seek, they might not give up yet…this guy didn’t.
He went on, after having shared a dozen of buff photos of himself, to disclosing some ‘vulnerable’ side of himself, as in, he left home at 15 and he had a grown son. He wasn’t playing the victim, but rather using this as a moment to show his resilience.
This got me thinking that 1) Maybe he isn’t as shallow as he appears and 2) I should not be so judging of him and 3) Anyone with a grown child could not be this shallow anyway.
So I pushed my initial instincts aside and didn’t cut him off. So the convos went from ‘Do you like to rock climb? Oh and I ran away from home at 15 but I came out on top’ to ‘I want to lick your slit’ within a few exchanges.
He also told me he ran a 5 min mile. LOL! Maybe he should run up the rock and find a slit up there to lick.
Ready…Set…
Dear HG,
You must have women throwing themselves at you simply because you are popular online, and therefore easily accessible. Even though they know what you are.
How many of these women are somatics? Do you call them out on it, or do you take the fuel and run?
Correct.
Some are, but they are a very small proportion of my readers. I could not provide a percentage.
No, I do not call them out, it is pointless. I am courteous to them.
So NC is a kind of passive revenge, but when it comes at the wrong moment, it’s ghosting + ruining expectations (sorry, ‘managing expectations’), and if it’s a real No Show with no explanation, it creates cognitive dissonance. Especially if you’re in a prime position for a mini GP and they have this window of vulnerability that you’ve been working on with your own seductions and rejections.
I’ve learned narc thinking from this blog. It’s really no fun to sacrifice so much pleasure, beauty and joy for a petty hateful act.
Anyway, we’ve been toying with each other for months over this ‘date’. But i’m the one who has to make a journey this time, so i’ll be out there, stranded, unable to make a quick exit. Pretty sure he is getting a kill kit ready.
Kill kit lol…..
“with exhortations of ‘yeah’, ‘hell’ and ‘woo’ whilst a fist pump or a high five is being delivered, this is a considerable warning sign”
LOL…this made me snort laugh!!!!!!!!!
Yeah!! Hell! Woo!!! HG you are hilarious!
I dated a guy who was a living, breathing caricature of the Somatic, so this is pretty funny to me! What a dope I was to go out with him after listening to HG’s YouTube video on this subject. I thought that this guy was pretty ridiculous and turned out not to be of much use.
I get incredibly mad when I think about this guy and the way that he treated me!!!!! I really wish that I never met this idiot! Grrrr
I have encountered one. Their pushiness can be mistaken for ‘really interested’ meanwhile you wonder why when they don’t even know you.
Trying to talk to one of these types about books or films is really funny. If you inform them of any of your talents or skills that is not somatic, they will completely ignore that you even said it.
I find these sorts quite boring.
Bibi
Good lord Bibi, somatics are only for sex-you dont TALK to them!
LOL! NA, very true.
But they’re not above saying how they’re smarter than everyone else without any accomplishments to prove it. So they’ll pretend to ‘talk’ about certain subjects and by ‘talk’ I mean share memes on FB.
So the one I knew hated religion and used it as a way to feel superior over others, in that all religious people are morons. He also claimed to be an extreme liberal, thus feigning an interest in politics. Again, I think he used that to feel superior/worldly over those he viewed as dummies from his hick town.
One of his lines, ‘I enjoy making others feel stupid.’
Yet he had nothing but his muscles to show for it. Which are now, by the way, lapsing into a flaccid remission with each passing day.
I wish I had the power to make them all fat.
NarcAngel,
Good one!
If only there was a “catch & release” protocol you could use without them “following you home”!
Persephone in Sunlight
The only conversation I want to have with a somatic is:
I weigh 130. Can you bench that with your face?
NA,
Why ask?
He’s probably wearing a shirt that says “mustache rides 5 cents.” Just show him your nickle!
Hi Bibi,
I agree with you! The man that I am writing about was well beyond pushy. He also was a liar. He showed no interest in getting to know me. I tried to engage in conversations with him and everything was about him, his house, his ex-wife, his workouts and little about his children or his older dog. I was interested in knowing more about his work as an engineer, but he didn’t seem to want to bother himself to explain. I never offered information about myself and kept waiting for him to ask.
I told him that he made me feel like I wasn’t there, that he could just as well be talking to himself.
If I do I want to do consultation by phone if possible. Do I need to download skype to my phone? I also have WhatsApp as well. I know it’s 100 dollars by phone. I’m not sure what day yet. How does the audio option work? Do I need to let you know the day I choose 24 hrs ahead or how does that work? Thank you
You can use Skype or call using a conventional telephone. You pay, I contact you and amongst other things we organise a convenient day and time to speak.
I feel I will have a consultation with you soon. I have a few questions to ask you. I will probably do it in the next week or so. Thank you.
By the time I broke up with him I was starting to fear him. That’s another reason.
In fact HG my ex greater was a perfect angellll all the way up to the four months later when we met in person he flew down here. It was in person that he showed who he really was or at least a glimpse. After 4 months of communication by phone many times a day and hours and hours and hours of talking and me cancelling on him several times out of nervousness…he kept his cool the whole time and his manners and never an a clue of anything improper. Perfect gentleman. Then we met in person. Whole new creation. Wasn’t sure who he was and what he did with the guy I had been talking to for 4 months. He was opposite. But by then I was already hooked. Yes it was fast but he was so perfect. He flew down a few more times before I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him. I was still broken hearted even though I broke up with him. The only reason I broke up was because he morphed into a person I did not expect or even understand.
Oh, had I known this two years ago when I met him on a dating site. How I wish I would have been savvy to the love-bombing, future-faking, fast-forwarding, boundary-busting, managing down of expectations, discard, and eventual hovering. After implementing NC, I went back and reviewed his profile for red flags that I missed, many of which you have detailed above. In addition, a quick Google search revealed that the majority of his profile consisted of plagiarized phrases from other people’s profiles. If I had done this simple due diligence before responding to him in the first place, I’d have saved myself a lot of confusion and disappointment. I am curious; does creating a dating profile from snippets of other’s profiles align with the modus operandi of your kind, perhaps akin to taking on traits of others? And thank you. I appreciate the education and clarity your writing has provided me.
By the way I met my ex greater online. The only one he met was the like to travel. Otherwise he was a perfecttttt angel. No sex brought up no nothing like that. He did ask a lot of questions. The first one he asked me was do I like to travel? I will say though that in the past when I have come across a person online who is pushy or showing skin pictures or body parts that is a big turn off to me. Also the great outdoor adventurer and super adrenaline junkie guys also never make it with me and I actually tell them not interested. Also if they call me honey or babe or baby and they don’t even know me. Nooooo wayyyyy……
Thank you for the this one.
“Information superhighway” you’re showing your age HG! That’s how they explained the Internet to us when it was in its infancy. Brings back memories!
I have two somatic narcissists on my facebook. They are lifestyle celebs.
Theyve accomplished a lot and do offer great items to the public and knowledge but its clear as day what they are since learning about narcissism. Both are somatics. One is a greater the other a midrange. In the beginning there were so many posts and pics boosting the midranger but its dwindled to almost nothing. I can see the narc cycle playing out on social media to a degree but being a greater is involved the devaluing is well hidden. I do wonder how long until the disengagement and a new primary is put into position. I know the previous primary personally and they are a super empath.
I have no ill feelings towards either one but i do find myself eyerolling a lot to their posts. Its very obvious how shallow they are. Im also aware that theyve had a lot of behind the scenes work done on themselves and claim its due to what they sell.
I think when the midranger is demoted it will be very difficult on them given the high pedestal theyd been put on.
There’s also high narcissism as a normalised, cultural trait. People with NPD (+ASP) suffer from split object relations ‘black and white thinking’ and inconstant memory impressions of others, lack of emotional empathy including repressed emotional memory and can’t separate themselves from the world around them, which leads to high stress reactions (rage). I’d caution against diagnosing all narcissists with NPD.
I mean, extremely narcissistic, shallow neurotypicals are complete assholes.
Oh, HG… this article is full of excellent advice!
While I met my narcissist in person, so much of what you described fits him like a glove. He also has cerebral qualities, so not everything was relevant… but an overwhelming amount was!
Once, when he was speaking of marriage, he told me that he was going to have to get me a different car. I told him that I was fine with what I had. But apparently my new car didn’t fit his style. He was passionate in describing my options. (Like you say, words are easy and econimical.)
What I really wanted was his commitment to love me in the ways that he promised. I never got that either.
So thank you for this valuable information. I certainly fear making the same mistake again. So know that I appreciate you sharing your wisdom to guide us through.
“The somatic narcissist is there to be the sight seen, not to sight see.” – HG Tudor
Love that line.
Thank you, dear HG, I had indeed forgotten to look for all indicators when looking at the profile of a certain woman. Woaaahhhhh what a picture book narc who has ensnared the empath I had set an eye on. The universe playing a joke on me.
HG
Anger is a protective emotion and is used to defend your voice, position and boundaries. It is no wonder you are wired for fury, because your boundaries were violated so badly when you were just a child.
K, boundaries can be violated through direct violence, but people can also be given too much entitlement – superficial rewards for social performance, which can also cause neglect of the inner self. Look at the case of Andrew Cunanan, as a child he was placed above his siblings and given everything he wanted (*was told he wanted) – that’s also a kind of abuse that we don’t normally recognise as such because it’s in the form of reward. When parents and society teach someone that their outer performance and appearance is more valued than their genuine feelings and personality, they might develop the rewarded behaviours at the cost of the ignored, more vunerable and ‘liable’ self. This is often the case with NPD.
Anger stems from fear.
narc affair
Correct. He was badly abused as a child and no one protected him, so he had to protect himself and I think that is why he has fury. The other reason for fury is for control but that, also, is part of the self-defense mechanism that is narcissism.
Yes, but what triggers our sense of fear varies, someone with low affect / lack of emotional empathy doesn’t have ‘typical’ fear responses. They might lack inhibition and fear in ‘normal circumstances’ and even seek andrenaline rushes to compensate for understimulation, but be extremely afraid of shame and failure. My narc has a scar and i discovered it once and asked questions about it, which he wouldn’t answer. Later he stopped in the middle of sex to ‘examine’ a small barely perceptible scar i have, he didn’t say anything, just stopped and stared at it for a long moment. I realised that he was taking a kind of revenge on me for noticing his scar. Not being perfect causes their ego, which is what keeps up their false self, to collapse and they have to fill in the gap, like a repair job. Anything real, authentic, vulnerable, is an insult to them. That’s what they fear, and an accident or sickness can amount to the same effect: wounded ideal self image.
To empathise with a narcissist is a disturbing and surreal, upsetting experience and it gives me nightmares, destabalises my sense of self. If i tell my narc i had a nightmare about him, he says “good”.
Hi k….i know firsthand ive been fearful in situations and gotten angry or reacted angry. Its strange bc you wouldnt associate anger with fear but the two go hand in hand. There are situations where anger isnt necessarily triggered by fear but annoyance.
I do think fury is triggered thru fear of the inner self being brought to the forefront.
Like when we dont produce convincing fuel and fuel declines its a reminder to the narc of their real self emerging and they have to diminish it with new more convincing fuel. Constant validation. Fury is a reaction to the fear of the real self being realised to the narc. They hate their inner core!!
Narc Affair
I think I understand what you mean. In not wanting to show him fear, I learned to mask it with either blank expression or anger and that has remained. If someone in my life has a near miss in a car accident for instance, I do not show concern as most would at the fear of losing them, but rather with no expression other than “are you alright” or anger at whatever caused it. Neither is appropriate but its ingrained that I not show fear.
narc affair
Midrange fury is somewhat laughable (like a temper tantrum); lesser fury is quick, run before you get your ass kicked. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near a greater who had fury. I picture a fire breathing dragon scorching everything within reach.
Yeah but it seemed to me that what little I actually experienced of the greater that his fury simply manifested as silence at the time. It also manifested as a look like very intense state and then later executed as a well formed plan to piss me off. Or hurt me with his words or actions, like emotional hurt not physical that would be scary indeed.
RealitySetsIn
Nothing like a good dose of icy cold silence. I found this on The Greater Narcissist – 5 facts
The Greater Narcissist is able to direct his ignited fury to a level and extent beyond the capability of others of our kind. This is why often cold fury is exhibited by Greater Narcissists as we are able to control the ignited fury so that it does not emerge as heated fury and rarely does it show in the form of physical violence.
They can lose control when thrown into chaos mode.
I wish they could overcome that hate of their inner core. Maybe that is not their inner core? All of that inner core stuff can be confusing I’m sure.