You Wear Guilt
You wear guilt like a noose around your neck. There it hangs, just waiting to be yanked by me and the tightening ligature around that slender neck will bring you back into line. I can then allow the noose to hang about your neck once again, ready to be used as soon as I decide that it is necessary. You do not even try to remove this noose, you would, of course feel guilty if you tried to do so and as a consequence it will always remain with you, on you and about you.
There is no slow squeezing when this noose is called into action. It is immediate, painful and chastising. It allows the sudden and instant exertion of control. What better way than to achieve this than relying on something that is intrinsic to another person. This noose burns, it constricts and it chokes and you know that it is not going to go anywhere. The only way to deal with it is to comply and then the noose will slacken but it will not grant you release.
You have carried this noose for a very long time. Once upon a time it was only a few strands thick, yet for all of that apparent fragility, it could not be cut nor broken, neither snapped or torn. As time went on, the strands multiplied so that the thickness increased until now it hangs about you, sturdy and effective. Nobody else wove those additional strands into it. You did. You brought it all on yourself because of the twisted delight you have to wear this noose. You regard it as an obligation. It is part of who you are and whilst the pain it causes you is something that you would prefer not to have to suffer, you know that when it makes you suffer, you gain comfort from its presence and effect.
You know that not everybody has such a noose. There are those who do not even have one. You wonder often what that must be like. Not to have the yoke about you which weighs you down, restricts you and governs you. What must such freedom feel like? Then there are those who have such a noose but they seem to be able to lift it off and leave it behind when it suits them. Others still find that the noose is weak and it snaps apart when it seeks to apply pressure against its wearer. No such release for you.
This is the noose that has you always compliant. Sometimes you fight against it, hoping that you might perhaps once, just once, be able to exert such strength that causes it to break, but it never happens. No matter what resistance you exhibit or how much you strain to tear it apart, you fail and have no choice other than to comply so that the pain recedes. It leaves its mark about you. There is no doubt about it. Even though the searing pain may have lessened, you can feel that tight grip still and you know that others can see where it has left its mark. Not all have this ability to recognise the mark of the noose, but a certain group do and they always want to exploit its presence. Oh there have been times when you have sought to hide this noose, mask its presence in the hope that you escape the attention of those who recognise it. Even if you manage to conceal the noose, the mark that it has left about your neck is like an indelible stain. You cannot remove it and it is the stamp that tells those who know these things that you carry such a noose.
You may not realise that it is you who has added those additional strands over the years, causing the noose to thicken and strengthen. Those strands are bound together, layer upon layer, wound about one another, so that they become more than the sum of their parts. The strands which are fashioned from your pervasive, deep-seated guilt, are added to because of those things which you say and do. Each time you think a certain way, which you cannot help but do because of who and what you are, another strand is added, then another, until soon the noose becomes thick and heavy. Each time you think the following
It is my fault; I did not listen.
I need to do more to help.
He cannot help it.
I need to ensure I understand.
If only I could be stronger.
If only I knew what to do.
I should be getting home; he will wonder where I am.
I should not be doing this.
I should not speak ill of him really; he is my husband.
I should not think these things, I do love him, I just feel so weak and this is when I have these thoughts.
I ought to have realised.
I must listen more.
I have to keep trying.
I owe it to him to help.
He isn’t as bad as people say.
If I just keep going it will become better.
I have to try because if I don’t, who will be there for him.
It is my duty.
I made my vows and I shall abide by them.
I must be doing something wrong to make him feel like this.
I just seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
These thoughts and words, plus many more, cause the noose to become stronger. Thus it tightens and I yank it, pulling you in my direction so that you remain under my control, bound by this guilt to serve, to support and to fuel. An ever present burden which you add to yourself each and every day. A method by which you are manipulated, cajoled and coerced to fulfil my needs.
This noose is not there to hang you. No, there is no desire to bring about your demise. You are more effective to us functioning. Your guilt will not bring about your end, but instead it acts to maintain your imprisonment.
You make the noose grow.
I make the noose control you.
Can it be escaped? We think not. It is for life. Even though it may not tighten or constrict for some time, even years, it is always there and with the mark so prominent, another may come and utilise the control that the noose affords even though we may not be able to.
We will not lift it. It matters too greatly to us.
We will not lift it because it is your burden, perpetuated by you.
But it can be lifted. It is not simple or straightforward and we ensure we do not allow you the opportunity to address this chance to relieve yourself of this noose of guilt. It can be done. It is quite the task to achieve but for you, that journey begins by answering one question.
Who put it there in the first place?
28 thoughts on “You Wear Guilt”
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HG
I know I asked this somewhere but don’t remember where. If you had to guess what percentage of victims are Codependent?
Already answered – anecdotally 15%
15? I would have thought 50. Isn’t that your victim of choice ?
Keep in mind I am not just referring to my victims, but those I have engaged with in my private life and here.
HG,
….I think what you are describing here is a co-dependent , either the “victim” or the narcissist – who can be defined as well as codependent -but I do not think these feelings of guilt are present in all who have been entangled with a narcissist.
These feelings of guilt are very alien to me….
…..feelings of guilt for what?
Not doing enough, hurting people, failing, saying the wrong thing etc.
Thank you HG…
What would be the difference between shame and guilt for the narcissist?
We do not experience guilt.
I know you (your kind) do not experience guilt, but what is the main difference between feelings of shame and guilt according to you? I know you do feel shame but not guilt..
Guilt concerns actions towards others. Shame concerns actions/attributes about the self.
I think this is one of the aspects where the two perspectives differ (specifically in regards of 2. )
Empath:
1. Guilt related to others when hurting someone else (unintentionally) that leads to remorse.
2. Guilt towards ONESELF when making the wrong choice that leads to a certain unsatisfactory outcome for oneself( not destructive or hurtful to others). Not feeling shame.
3. Shame on oneself for disappointing others when they have expectations about oneself but not hurting.Not being guilt.
4. Shame for not following or breaking certain moral ( prevailing) codes but not hurting someone else.Not being guilt.
Narcissist:
1. Inexistent
2. Would be regarded to the narcissist as shame not guilt? (regardless if it hurts someone else)
3. Inexistent
4. Shame if not following their own moral codes that may not be the same as the prevailing ones in the existent society.?
5. Shame for not succeeding with their aims ( but not guilty towards themselves as compared to 2.for the empath where the empath feels guilt but not shame.)?
HG does state from the outset that he is a narcissistic sociopath. It’s anyone’s choice to stick around after reading that.
HG, referring to your comment on April 20, 2018 at 18:30, what kind of shame do you feel? About which matter do you feel shame?
Even if some find it unsettling, I appreciate that he writes it no holds barred from his point of view. Its a glimpse into his mind, and incidentally exactly how I viewed stepnarc to treat my mother. I used to refer to it as him yanking on her leash and yet I did think she was responsible for wearing the collar. I agree with Lori-a therapist could not not convey that with the same effect.
Unsettling yes, useful and welcome, definitely! As for the mind games, any good teacher uses them to a certain extent to bring the student around to understanding and discovering. Any parent uses them when raising a child. They go on all the time. The difference is in the intent and of course, the extent.
You sound satanic.
I used to think that too sometimes, but I really don’t think he cares about us personally, one way or the other. We are just numbers that increase his website”s prominence, so if there is any seduction going on, it is for that reason. I see it as a form of symbiotic relationship.
Yes yes and yes! Someone put there in your childhood or possibly from a traumatic event.
A narc doesn’t just randomly pick us because we are attractive, intelligent and /or kind. Nope. That is why you see they often pick someone physically less attractive than another. They are attracted because they see hidden pain. They see someone who is in pain like they are only they can express the emotions they cannot. In other words we feel for them.
‘Who put it there in the first place?’
My parents.
I’ve gotten that exact same feeling, Moira.
As a child I watched the Bela Lagosi Dracula films and felt scared, then you watch Interview with a Vampire or Oldman’s Dracula and what you come to understand is in that character is a very disturbed person, a somatic narcissist if you will, who uses sex and hypnotism/seduction to drain the blood out of you for his own survival. Often Mr. Tudor adopts a writing style that is almost trancelike in its matter- of -fact manner of conveying cold, but there is also, in the case of this post, an almost voyeuristic though equally predatory tone in describing the victim in almost a sexual frenzied tone. I suspect this is less narcissism and more the sociopath we are seeing here. This post of his did not seem helpful to me, it seemed masturbatory in some respects.
But you read it. You commented on it and I bet you have visited this page many times. If you are here you are getting something out of it.
Me? I’m here cause I’m getting something out of it understanding and honestly I’ve used some of the info to play the game. So far HG has been spot on and I appreciate the info.
Would I want to be married to him? Oh hell no but as a source of info, he’s awesome.
Cheryl, to explain a bit further. This post specifically strikes me as a huge projection on Mr. Tudors part. This is his fantasy of how he would like to approach things. This is what he imagines and tells himself. Never once have I felt any of the things therein that he describes unless he is describing a full blown masochist. But I would bet my eye teeth he has tapped in for us, to the sociopath.
“Ouch”
Sometimes when you write I get less of a feeling that you are helping but rather trying to seduce more fodder for your needs. Why do you suppose that is?
No not exactly. We come here to learn about his kind and he learns more about our kind. Its mutually beneficial but we are only tertiary sources.
I like this page. I am not romantically involved with him so if he gets supply I don’t care. His information is helpful. Sometimes the truth works equally as good or better than lies for a narc. I for one think he is 100 percent truthful here. We can all take it or leave. For me, it’s helpful. He is able to explain in a way that a therapist can’t cause they aren’t a narc
Could the fact that we’re reading the words of an avowed psychopath have anything to do with it? Or that we’re turning to these writings for life advice, me as much as anyone else? Add to that the natural attraction of empaths to narcissists… Furthermore, a leopard doesn’t change its spots- he can’t help but seduce and play mind games, even if it’s very 2nd degree. Consider it a good sign that it’s at least a little unsettling.
And thanks HG for the thing with the ill-advised comment.