What You Say : What We Really Hear
I make repeated mention of how the key to gaining freedom is to understand. One of the central principles to understand with our kind is the fact that our perspective is very different from yours. You gauge our responses, our actions and our words through the lens of your world view. That is understandable, but it will only lead to you becoming mired in confusion, frustration and bewilderment, trapped in the quagmire of emotion which of course is where we want you to always be. We do not want you applying cool, hard logic to prise yourself free from our grip. We want you embroiled in emotion.
Of course we prefer to make it seem that you engage in double speak. Our private paranoia causes us to twist what you say in order to use it to our advantage, but then we always do this. We always seek to profit from fabricated misunderstanding and false inferences, but the reality is we do also actually hear something completely different from what you say to us because of our existence in a different reality.
Accordingly, you need to understand that we operate in a different world view to you and once you ascertain that world view, you are unlikely to like what you see there, but you will begin to make sense of what we say and do. As part of this understanding, you should appreciate that when you say certain things to us, we hear something else. Here are ten examples, to assist your comprehension of our kind.
- The dinner you made was lovely
The dinner you made was better than anything I have ever tasted before. Your skills in the kitchen are beyond compare. You are truly talented and gifted. I am so fortunate that someone as brilliant as you made something so tasty and delicious as that meal for someone like me. I am amazed and astounded by your talent and thank my personal god every day that you are in my life.
- I don’t know what I would do without you
You are my everything. My beginning and end. I am nothing without you. I would not function without your skilful operation of me. I have now submitted to your total control of me, I am in your hands, do with me what you will.
- I love you
I don’t just love you, I love you with everything that I have, every fibre of my being and every molecule inside me because you are so magnificent that I am compelled to provide you with this astonishing and amazing love. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my love for you but it is beyond anything I have ever experienced before because you made me feel this way.
- I hate you
You are powerful, masterful and the puppet master. You are so skilled that you can make me gush with emotion at the merest flick of your wrist or the raising of your eyebrow. I cannot help but feel like this because you have me so entangled in your dark and admittedly brilliant machinations. I may say I hate you but it is really a form of admiration at the magnificence by which you operate your dark arts.
- I don’t understand you
I am stupid and weak. If I wasn’t I would understand wouldn’t I. This is a frustrated admission on my part that I pale by comparison to you. You are a colossus, a behemoth who is far better than me and I can only look on in rapt awe as you forge your way through life. I don’t understand you but I wish I could be like you.
- Please stop hurting me
Your machinations are highly effective and I cannot stop spurting with fuel for you. You may as well keep going because you have me all worked out, but I still have lots and lots of delicious fuel to spill for you.
- No
I am trying to stand up to you but we both know that cannot happen. I am just a wretch compared to you, but I try to think otherwise, but I am doing this for you. I am saying this to invite you to exert your authority over me and to punish me for my insolence. I want you to do so because I know this is what my role is, a conduit for you to achieve what you want, so I say it so you can open the door to yes.
- I just want to be happy
I am a selfish person who as usual is putting my needs before yours which is completely wrong so you must correct me, teach me and make me learn my lesson in the way only you can do.
- I am sorry
I am utterly useless and pathetic. I ought to have known better but as usual I just decided to do what I wanted and forgot how that might impact on you. You are generous and kind and I beg your forgiveness in the knowledge that I deserve none. If you choose to make an example of me for my frequent erring and repeated apologies, then so be it. You know best.
- You are wrong
I want to destroy you. I am wounding you. I know how to weaken you and I have done this to bring you to your knees. Yes, I am a traitor, a treacherous betrayer of your magnanimous nature but I do not care. Does it hurt? Does it burn? Good. I want to see you weaken, shrivel and cease to exist.
13 thoughts on “What You Say : What We Really Hear”
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8 and 10 used to be (still are) my weapons…your kind can’t stand me.
Fact is: I am very honest at appreciating their good skills (that’s attracting them to me) but also very honest to myself and them when something is definitely wrong. I try to always rise above subjective matters, I understand we all have faults and the only way to learn and better oneself is being aware (first of all). I’m not an easy “pill to swallow” for hypocrite empaths either: I discussed with my psychologist on that one, it seems I lack that adaptation “device”. Telling something you don’t think/feel just to make someone feel better and obtaining privileges based on that conduct when talking about someone higher in hierarchy is hypocrisy to me, not adaptation. When I really appreciated someone, that person usually knew. Of course empathy means not hurting someone by telling unprompted truths and keeping something to yourself is enough. When someone is searching for the truth with a candle in his narcissist’s hands, I can’t hold my birth disposition for telling it straight to his face. I won’t start a war but if you search for one…I won’t back off. That’s why I was never bullied in school or on street. I have the bad habit of observing all around me and keeping quiet. Narcs believe I don’t know and attack, then…I hit with some proof of their bad behavior. Afterwards, most of them stay in their place. If your kind really fears something that’s “unpredictability”. Yet, the one you won’t forget is the one you couldn’t have or tame. Such a paradox!
BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN 👍😘
Thank you.
Yeah, I like #10 and I’m going to start actually saying the translation now hahaha I love this blog by the way, I tried to get my husband to read it last night when he started deflecting on if he’s still getting high and that’s why he’s had a bloody stuffed up nose for a month and shaking hands for six months…. He wouldn’t even read one page! He kept going “Where is it, where is it, show it to me” while the page was loading and once it loaded he got up and walked away. I’m dying laughing! I have reached understanding. It’s like living with a total nutcase who needs you like a child and hates himself for it. POWER TO THE PUSSY is all I really hear underneath all this supposed self-power and self-idolization. Certainly that has been the outcome for me in this relationship – 13 years later I have lost 50 lbs, I am prettier, I am happy, I am confident in my faith and my mind and my belief system, I now know i cannot save my grown ass man from himself, I am sure in his final moments he will know the error of his ways and now I am able to be whole around him without giving him a piece of my peace out of pity for his wounded soul… VICTORY
HG, I have a question…. I have crossed the emotional sea with my narcissistic ex. He has tried everything to test this. He has hoovered me around the holidays and says our child wants us to be together, he has said what he thinks would be the most hurtful things. I stay business toned. I know there is no changing him. One thing is am stumped on, is what do I do when he lies? I do not get emotional or frustrated when he does, but I do not know if I should mention I know he is lying or if I should let him lie. I obviously don’t want him to think I fell for it, yet I want to make sure there is no fuel provided.
Wow, even though I know how selfish they can be, I didn’t think it went so far into complete self-absorbed, delusional, malicious hatred for other people.
It really is a disorder and a sickness.
HG, even though you probably despise all of us commenters and think of us as “weak and pathetic” and totally under your control, thank you for this revealing insight.
I don’t despise my readers. You are welcome.
HG,
Are there ways empaths can express their feelings and feel heard without wounding? Is there a better way to convey the message when in a situation where you must interact? I’m thinking about this in terms of a work environment.
For what it’s worth . . . constructive communication/criticism worked in my work environment. But a narc may take it as challenge fuel.
I just want to be happy ! I want it simple … etc I used it a lot. I find we need to read this article a couple times to really understand it. This is far from anything I would think if someone would say those things to me.
If you want them to ‘listen’ to you, don’t confront, just carefully drop them a hint to help them improve their performance:
Yes, they speak unlimited hyperbole bird of paradise. Sometimes with humour, sometimes painfully without.