The Seduction Shuffle Hoover
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is not interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Word reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
12 thoughts on “The Seduction Shuffle Hoover”
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Laughing…….male guinea-pigs tend to do the seduction “shuffle” when they meet another guinea-pig, it is hilarious to observe and then there’s the noises…….it used to fascinate me when I was a child…..as an adult, it cracks me up 🙂
Invaluable as always My Liege. ✨
Hmmm, reading this one got me thinking. I saw my ex N on the street last week but I did not think it was a Hoover attempt because it was near the building where he works and he could not know I was driving by at that very moment (after work). But he did like to “bump”into each other every time I left him. And the “I am not very happy” look he had on his face would have piqued my curiosity before for sure. But it didn’t this time. At all. I will remain vigilant though without giving it too much thought.
OMG, HG –
The inside-out version of this just happened with myself and my ex-husband. I have been struggling to figure out if he is a Narcissist because I have not seen him in almost 8 years and the last phone conversation we had was almost 5 years ago.
I never heard of Narcissists, Empaths, etc until about six months ago and started reading your blog three or four months ago. I think that I have others figured out, but remained confused about my ex-husband, so I decided to call him.
To get to the truth of the matter.
I learned a lot. Yes, he is a Narcissist. He still has the same number. Mine was not known to him when I placed the call (and I changed it again after this conversation that took place about two weeks ago). He would have known from the area code that it could be me. He put it on speaker and after he said “Hello?” and I said, “Hi, ____. This is Kate.”, he replied, “Who??”. (!!) The conversation lasted about a minute. The tone of his voice told me who he is.
Almost an hour later, I got a text from an unfamiliar phone number in his area code. There was an entertaining back-and-forth. Afterwards, I did a reverse search and found out that the number belongs to a girl who is only one year older than my son.
He is so completely vile..
An interesting sidenote that is relevant to this article is how I was near where my ex lives (his sphere of influence), but I didn’t clue him in on the fact that I was dating a man who lived in a nearby town. The other man’s house and yard were much superior to my ex’s. Haha!!!
Curious why did you call him and what was said? Also what was the back and forth between you and the girl?
Hi Lori,
I must admit that I felt bad about what I had done to contribute to the failure of our relationship and concerned about his wellbeing – that was my mindset when I decided to call him. Not to have an altercation. It was very hurtful to hear from him what I did.
I sent him this text after he hung up on me, “Sorry to bother you but have been doing a lot of reflection and have a lot to apologize to you for and hope you are happy and well.”
I thought that would be the end of it. I was shocked to get that first text! I don’t know if it is okay to share a text conversation on the internet without the girl’s knowledge and consent and don’t want to cause any more trouble for myself. I can tell you that she used the words “us” and “we” and also “our family”. This makes no sense. I called HIS number, not her. I did not know that he was in a relationship. She does not have his last name nor a ring on “that finger” posted online and it appears that she lives with her father. That is, if my research is correct. She also mentioned that she thinks that I call every few months and she obviously has me confused with someone else.
I feel very sad for her as well as for myself and my son (since this big stinking pile of garbage is his father). I sent this last message to her, “Sorry and nothing to worry about. I meant no harm.”
My ex-husband told me that he would never marry or have children with another woman. Who knows if he has, but his happiness and wellbeing are no longer of any interest or concern to me.
OK makes sense now. I had this happen to me with Narc 1. And yes he let his new gf read the text messages and she started contacting me. Fast forward a year later he dumped her and hoovered me.
Kate -Prepare yourself. I assure you he has taken note: In 6 to 12 months he will be back and he will apologize for her behavior
They really are all the same
Throw them a berry and enjoy the show.
HG this is completely off topic but I was wondering if you still did Letters to a Narcissist and if so the best way to send it.
Regardless, I am incredibly grateful to you for this site and the consults. I’m not sure I would have gotten past this as quickly as I did without it. I am also grateful for all the comments posted that gave me further insight and the realization that I was not alone in my struggle.
To all the amazing people who have posted on here, thank you. For your sense of humor, quick wits, your individual stories and your stunning insights. You gave me hope and helped me heal. I am at a loss for words to convey to you how much I appreciate you. I am humbled and hope I can do the same.
E-mail them to me. There will be a new batch appearing in a couple of weeks.
LOL YES! This literally just happened to me! Now I’m blocked again on fb but not phone. If I text him right now he would silent treatment but I’m not blocked only on fb WTH? I am ipss is the blocking on FB a corrective deval ? Or disengagement?