10 Poisoned Messages of Devaluation
We avail ourselves of the use of technology through all the various stages of the narcissistic cycle and the period of devaluation is no exception. We will use the sending of messages, be they of the text, messenger or e-mail variety, to roll out our devaluation against you. These poisonous messages are sent because it is so easy for us to do so. It is a simple task of typing that message, whether we happen to be at home, in the office, sat waiting for a plane or in a queue of traffic. We can unleash a poisoned arrow from anywhere and have it winging its way to pierce your heart. We can do it at any time and reap the reward from the provision of fuel. Sometimes the fuel arises as consequence of your response, by messaging us back or ringing us. Other times it is gathered through Thought Fuel as we envisage your reaction based on what we know of your emotional responses and sometimes we even get the combination of both Proximate and Thought Fuel. There is little energy expenditure for us and the prospects of fuel and exerting control over you are invariably very good. Here are ten ways in which we send you poisonous messages during devaluation.
1. The Barren Periods
We have, through the extensive and exciting messaging we engaged in during the golden period created an expectancy on your part to receive messages from first thing in the morning until last thing at night and at regular and repeated intervals. You have become used to this and then all of a sudden it dries up. You send a message to us in the hope of generating a response but there is nothing. You send another, just in case the first did not somehow get through. There is nothing but silence. You wait and try to do something else but you cannot concentrate because you keep looking to your ‘phone hoping for that message to appear but it does not. Many hours may pass, perhaps a day until you either happen to bump into us or we deign to finally respond. You can expect the replies to be along the lines of:
“There was no signal where I was.”
“There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”
“I did reply, did you not get it?”
“All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”
“I ran out of credit.”
“I ran out of battery.”
Do not accept these explanations. These are rolled out to pull the wool over your eyes. The failure to reply was deliberate and calculated and more often than not it was because we were busy with somebody else.
2. The Raised Hopes
We will make an arrangement with you, suggesting we go out to dinner tomorrow evening or attend that new play you were excited to see. You look forward to spending time with us, alter your other arrangements, put yourself to time and expense in preparation for whatever event is and then at the last minute we cancel with either no excuse or half an excuse and then we fall silent.
3. The Wrong Recipient
You receive a message which is clearly meant for someone else. It might be using a nickname that is unfamiliar to you, confirming an arrangement when you knew of none to be confirmed, thanking you for a wonderful evening when we did not see one another that evening or any number of combinations where the content of the message is at odds with what you know. It is rarely a mistake when this happens. It is done deliberately.
4. The Vitriolic Volley
A straight forward nasty barrage of insults sent in the form of text messages. The content will be savage and hurtful and you will have no or little idea why the messages are being sent or what they actually relate to. You will be accused of being a slut, when you have always been faithful, or wasting money when you are careful with it, or not caring about us when you have just done something especially loving. The words will be barbed, picking on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and is often done when you have gone out without us or you have friends around without us being invited. It is a short and sharp method of upsetting you in a quick as possible manner.
5. The Afterthought
We tell you what we are doing and happen to mention that you might like it as well even though now, given the late notice you have been given, that it is nigh on impossible for you to join in. Typical messages will read
“Great party at Harry’s you would love the music here.”
“I am at Portofino’s with Hannah, the food is just your type of thing.” (Plus, who is Hannah by the way?)
“I am watching U2, they are awesome, you like them don’t you?” (When we know full well that U2 is your favourite band.)
You are left upset as you are missing out on something you would enjoy and also hurt because we have done it without you, knowing that you would have wanted to attend as well.
6. The Mirror
This does not appear as though it is actually a poisonous message because its content is pleasant and it is WHEN it is sent that is of relevance. If you are going through a period of devaluation and you then receive messages which appear to provide a Respite Period from the nastiness, be warned; you and somebody else are getting the same messages. Thus if we have been unpleasant to you for a number of weeks and you then get a message stating
“I miss you.”
“I love you.”
“I wish you were with me.”
It will lift your heart but understand that its generic quality, lack of personalisation and out-of-the blue quality denotes that you and your prospective replacement are both receiving this message from us. Double fuel.
7. The Backhander
It may seem like a pleasant message but it is not. This is usually sent to emphasise our importance and demote the apparent pleasantry in our message to you by causing it to appear second-best to the rest of what we have written. Examples would include
“I miss you but I am so busy closing this massive deal at the moment.”
“I hope you are well but I am focused on beating my time for the half marathon so lots of training at present.”
“I was thinking about you as I was polishing my new car.”
8. The False Hope
You receive a blank message from us following a period of silence and this causes you to respond, pleased to have received even this crumb of apparent comfort and thus you respond to it. We deny messaging you or suggest it must have been done by accident. The text equivalent of the butt dial. It was done on purpose and we noted just how quickly you replied to us as well.
9. The Forewarned Silent Treatment
You are told we will not be available to contact. The reason given is not because we are travelling or engaged in meetings or such like, but rather it will be explanations such as
“Don’t message me for 48 hours, I need to do some thinking.”
“I need some space, so I won’t be in touch for a few days.”
“I am feeling pressured so just need some breathing space. Don’t contact me until I contact you.”
Aside from gaining Thought Fuel at your disappointed and concerned reaction, this is being done to exert control over you and most of all to ensure that you do not get in the way and interfere as we are seducing someone else.
10. The False Emergency
We send a message asking for your help with something and you feel pleased to be involved as matters have been decidedly icy between us for a few days. You respond straight away but you are then told that it does not matter since Joe or Helen or Angela has already come to our aid/lent us the onion/changed the tyre etc. There was no incident which required your help or help from anybody. We wanted to see how quickly you would respond to our control and then we garner fuel from both your perceived and witnessed responses.
17 thoughts on “10 Poisoned Messages of Devaluation”
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My Greater did these things a little bit in the beginning of our relationship, but I think he was just testing me. I passed! 8 years of gaslighting!
Other than that, though, neither the Greater nor the Mid-ranger (5 year relationship) ever really did these things. They were always accessible and responsive to my messages. Both of them just gradually got more cruel and both went through devalue-idealize cycles that would last 2-3 months at a time over and over again for years. But they never “disappeared” or ignored me. I have no reason to think that either of them cheated on me, other than just knowing that narcs will probably always cheat. The silent treatments were always present silent treatments. I wonder why this is. Maybe my fuel stays too fresh for too long? My Midranger’s golden period lasted a solid 2 years.
HG have you written examples of narcs going through the cycles of idealization and devaluation with their own children? I have found that most information about the narcissistic abuse cycle is about romantic partners and not parental abuse. My narc is sadly my father.
I have not written specifically on the point, although you will find ‘Parental Hoover, “Scapegoat’ and ‘Mother Knows Best’ of interest.
and he would always lecture me on the way back home. Why are you like this, why did you said this, why did you touch this person, why did you laughed out lout, WHY … I was always waiting in the car after a visit somewhere to hear the debriefing of everything I said, how i said it etc. It was never positive, I always felt like shit and he would conclude, I want to help you looking like an elegant wife, like a respectable woman etc.
Narc Number 1 use to tell everyone that he had made me. that I was who I was because of him. That before him I was a lost puppy and now because of him, I had a career , I had a house , I was bright and butiful etc… My mom can’t stop remembering this one. She was so annoyed everytime he would say that and then he would tell me on how irresponsible my parents were.
He would also say all the time that when I was in my familly I was somebody else. He would tell them, she is really bizarre with you, like a teenager, she does not act like a graceful woman, like a mother, which me she is very different, very responsible and dutiful wife of the house etc…. shit… and re shit…
the more I think about it… How could I have endured that for fuck and 17 years…
I’m curious. What would be the results of these same tactics being used on the narcissist?
They may cause wounding or provide Challenge Fuel but would result in manipulation and ignited fury (where wounded) towards anybody using such tactics and therefore it is better not to do so. If you know that person is a narcissist, obey the First Golden Rule of Freedom.
Hi H G,
I have to admit my narc hurt me in every way possible.
I’ve been attracted to your kind all my life so far.
My mother, sister, lovers and a failed marriage. Blah, blah, and blah, right?
People always tell me to love myself more.
What is like to know your thoughts on doing that?
I’ve finally established no contact. With everyone pretty much, taking myself off social media.
I’m lost. It’s odd I would look to your kind for help. But your writing has opened my eyes. You made me see the truth.
Thanks,
Tammy
BTW, time and again, false hope for me. I’ve always fell hard for that.
Still do, but discover my empathy knows no boundaries. Yet it does.
I have so many questions. I’m probably the only empath out there who admits to having very strong narcissistic tendencies. So much of what you write about the subject that you are, I see very strongly in myself. There have been times when I was younger that I was extremely cruel and felt nothing. It made me feel powerful. Then as years went by I was overcome with grief and guilt about it. Or maybe it was that I had misplaced anger?
Honestly, there is a difference between our kind, but I really think we’re closer in traits than people think or want to admit. I think both want attention and power. I think it’s how we respond to that struggle that maybe separates our kind. Both our kinds are extremely toxic. And you’re right, we have a need for each other.
But I think too that as a narcissist can sniff out an empath, an empath can sniff out a narcissistic?
I’m very curious about what you think! Because you’re the expert, I am not.
Sorry, HG. I realise I’m being an emotional freak.
I want so much to figure things out.
What makes an empath an empath?
Why am I attracted to your kind?
I really do hate emotions.
Please see Sitting Target.
Hello Tammy,
I am not the person to raise the issue of loving yourself more with. What I give you is the accurate information, insight and tools to get out and stay out. You can address the issue of your self-esteem where necessary with a relevant individual through therapy. Before that you are best served by ensuring you have no contact with our kind, understanding the dynamic and recognising us as we look to ensnare you. Further, addressing your emotional thinking so that you build Logic Defences to better protect yourself. With these safeguards in place you then build a firmer and safer platform for you to address your issue regarding self-esteem etc.
Thank you HG.
The victrolic volley has been used on me time & time again .
I am the most loving , caring , kind , thoughtful, loyal , faithful person on the planet , yet he accuses & insults me of things Id never even consider in a billion years .
Those thoughts would never even cross my mind , yet there he is accusing me of it all , & then some !!
Hes even snuck around behind my back and messaged a hardcore flirtatiousness text to my best childhood female friend !!
I know , because as soon as he did it , she contacted me & sent me the screen shots .
He was going under the guise of a different name & photo , but hes good @ making up fake profiles .
And I knew by the verbiage that was used , that it was him beyond a shadow of a doubt ! 😠😠😠
HG, why is that the narc describes the former IPPS’s behavior or attitude as being jealous but when his new IPPS reacts the same way, he acts understanding, supportive, etc. Does he not see the contradiction/ inconsistency?
No. He does as what is required at any given moment, irrespective of contradiction or hypocrisy.
Thank you, HG! I appreciate your insight. I don’t know how one can ever have a relationship of any kind with a narc when the only constant about him is his narcissism and everything else is ever changing.