Poll : Which Part(s) of No Contact Have Been The Hardest?
No Contact is the most effective response to dealing with our kind. Whether it is a romantic, familial, work or social situation, apply no contact and you increase your chances massively of escaping our clutches and staying out of them.
No Contact is not easy and few manage it at the first attempt. As I have explained previously, the issue of No Contact has two sides to it – we are trying to break it through our hoovering and your emotional thinking is trying to make you break it to feed your addiction to our kind.
This poll is concerned with your own private battle and is NOT about our attempts to break your no contact. Accordingly, which part or parts of no contact have been the hardest? Perhaps the fact you worked with your narcissist meant that you say him or her every day and possibly had to have some interaction also? Maybe you felt a need to find out what the narcissist was doing so you took to waiting outside his house or following her car? Did you find blocking his or her number very hard to do or perhaps you just did not do it, keeping that conduit open? Were you taking repeated peeks over the narcissist’s social media, maybe even poring over it looking for clues as to what was happening in his or life? Perhaps you found yourself spending repeated occasions each day thinking about the narcissist. I do not mean the odd thought, but rather it was a case of the narcissist springing into your mind may times a day and occupying your thoughts as you mulled matters over, reminisced or obsessed? It might have been that you couldn’t bring yourself to throw out the gifts you had received so you had reminders of the narcissist in your home or was it the case that you lived near to the narcissist so you had to drive by her house or run the risk of bumping into him down the street?
You may choose as many as are applicable before casting your vote and of course if you have had repeated no contact regimes with the same or different narcissists, include those situations too. Provide your further observations in the comments and thank you for participating.
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No contact seems to either feel incredibly freeing or incredibly crippling, moment to moment, feeling to feeling. There never seems to be a happy medium. Regardless whether happy to be rid of the situation or pining over false happy memories, always seemed to have repeated and protracted thoughts of him… still. And I hate it.
it’s hard not to share something exciting with the ride or die narcissist. I always have to remind myself that if I share, the Narcissist will only be jealous or use the information against me.
Seeing him being so friendly and talking to everyone else, but ignoring me. And especially when I have never done anything terribly wrong to him. Moreover, I was steadfast and loyal. I know that a Non-Narc will appreciate my devotion.
I hate the thought of blocking someone. I discovered that he was an Internet Predator and was abusing women online via Facebook so I decided to do something about it but I was in for a rude awakening. They let him stay on it but that was it for me and Facebook.
I deactivated my account thus ensuring No Contact but I also decided to do something else about him seeing as evil Facebook couldn’t care less about all the abuse that takes place on it.
He is a teacher so I decided to write a letter to his headmaster and I wrote it on behalf of all of his victims. I decided to remain anonymous.
I explained to him why he didn’t get a visa to Canada. It was because I reported him so he can tell him that.
I also told him how ill he had made me and what he does to women online. I also told him how he spoke of his students and how he likes punishing them and how he said all his female students have a ‘crush’ on him. I also told him about his obsession with sex and pornography.
So I guess you could say that I went out with a bang.
‘Repeated and protracted thoughts about the narcissist ‘,
Thank you HG.
You have helped the above answer/statment lessen!!!
Through reading your books, reading the blogs and new posts, time taken to do this.
Thus gaining possible understanding, Impressive (sun)
HAHA you are now in my thoughts!
Please forgive me for this long answer. I have had several Narcissists as IPPS’s and have family members who I believe are Narcissists.
I chose repeated and protacted thoughts about the Narcissist. This year is the 30th anniversary of the first time that my ex-husband and I saw each other for the first time, etc and I am sure that everyone can understand why he had been on my mind. I am finally free and this just happened!!!! I am so glad to be rid of him, after so much history.
Not looking at the Narcissist’s social media – this applies to the last two. “Guy who turned out to be married” (who I only dated for two months when I did not know this important fact), because I wanted to know what effect my letting her know what her husband was doing on the internet had. Also, the last man I dated, a Somatic Upper Lesser (HG diagnosed him), because I couldn’t believe what he had done to me and we met on a dating site.
Blocking the Narcissist’s phone number – I cannot forget my ex-husband’s phone number because he has had it since he moved to a neighboring state more than twenty years ago. I changed my phone number five years ago after I told him off and sent him a text tirade (maybe two months later). I changed my number again a few months ago to block the guy who turned out to be married, the Somatic and my ex-live-in from a few years ago (I missed his girls and his dog and wanted to know how they were, so waited about two years after I left him).
Purging physical reminders of the Narcissist – I sold all jewelry given to me by every Narcissist except my ex-husband about six years ago.
Changing routines to avoid places reminding me of the Narcissist – this only applies to the guy who turned out to be married because we had a favorite place and it is a mile away from my house. I hardly ever drive by it and rarely think about it now (I dated him a year ago).
Avoiding physical interaction with the Narcissist – family, because I believe that I have Narcissists in my family.
Physically spying on the Narcissist – this applies to two people. My ex-husband didn’t change his keys, but this was so long ago. Also, more than twenty years ago, I had a diagnosed Sociopath who was messing with my head. We were together, I left him, he showed up one day in a dramatic fashion. He pretended to be living in another state and I didn’t believe him and tracked him down. He was living in a nearby town with his ex-wife, and I had literally handled their divorce without any compensation (I have worked for several attorneys)!!!!
Avoiding physical interaction with the Narcissist – residences nearby. This applied to my ex-husband, but not for more than twenty years now. Also, the guy who turned out to be married lied to me about everything, including his name and where he lives. Turns out, he lives with his wife, five miles away from me (yikes!!).
Again, sorry for the long comment!
Sorry, but I forgot an important detail that is key to my No Contact with my ex – I changed my number again two weeks ago after I found out that he has a replacement for me. Woo! Hoo!
I would like to clarify that the guy who I helped with his divorce deceived me because he told me that he was single and divorced. His supposed ex-wife rammed his car which we saw from inside and above the parking lot. Of course, I questioned what was going on, and he admitted that his divorce wasn’t final and when I asked him how much longer it would be, he gave me a vague answer. I told him not to lie to me because I could easily verify what he told me on my computer at work. He admitted that he had not filed yet, and –
I told him that I do not date married men.
He asked me to get him an appointment to see my employer, he met with her and this was the beginning of my involvement in their stupid divorce.
This guy is truly awful, which I figured out later..
No contact with the Narc at work was an emotional rollercoaster. I felt compassion, contempt, awe, anger, attraction and even indifference toward him. Never a dull moment! It was draining at times. I recently transferred out to a branch a few miles away (not because of the Narc). I feel that I came out the victor because despite all the battles I had with him, I didn’t step out of my integrity. I had damaging information that could have devastated him and I never used it against him. I am proud of that. I wish him the best but I never want to see him again in my life. Thank you HG from the bottom of my heart.
Kudos, Elise. I, too, have damaging info about my ex. I had fantasies when I first escaped him of using it. But I made it indirectly clear I wasn’t afraid to use it (I am afraid of him, however.) I hope it prevents him from ever hovering me again.
I have a question for you becuz shortly after my escape, one of his friends (they had a falling out about a year ago over a woman; she escaped them both–smart girl) targeting me. I work with this guy. I think when my ex and him were friends they tag teamed women. I may be paranoid, but the more attention he pays to me, I see red flags flying all about me.
I was excellent fuel and I know it as I’m sure you as well! Have you had this experience in the workplace also?
HG, is there anywhere in the literature that addresses the issue of the narc’s friends attempts to make you feel better? I will use the example of Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher. Do you know the story?
Birds of a feather . . .
Thanks for bringing up the workplace issue, Elise.
Hi Dragonfly, I am dealing with this right now. Thanks to HG, I recognized a narcissist right off the bat at my new job. I tried to be polite but distant. That didn’t work. He is constantly trying to be around me. So much so that another coworker noticed and called him “my personal stalker”. Please be careful with your coworker. Trust your gut. Like you say birds of a feather fly together.
Great poll and very thought provoking. This question crosses my mind a lot bc i see so many victims escape and implement no contact. I wonder what is it about me that i cant do it?
I chose…not blocking and repeated thoughts of the narc but what it boils down to is a codependancy and the fear that brings of not having that relationship as a security blanket.
I came across a question someone posed to HG about if he would be doing his experiment of going no contact from fuel and it got me thinking how hard it is for a narc to change bc of their way of coping in life. The fear of changing what theyve always known and hanging on to dear life refusing to let go of those ways and it reminds me of my own situation. My codependancy has been my coping mechanism to parts of my life and to let go of that is terrifying. Ive disengaged from the narc fully for 1 week but it wasnt a true no contact bc i didnt block him. No contact is block block block. You cant get thru to them and they cant to you. Blocking is final and it means you mean business and are done with them. Ive not been able to do a true no contact bc of fear, my feelings and not being able to let go and also not wanting to. Its been seven years and going no contact would be very hard to do.
I have so much admiration to those that have and help others do the same it shows tremendous strength and courage!
narc affair,
I don’t know if this is correct in your situation, but, I think your N is not devaluing you?
I also want to point out that intermittent reinforcement works better than constant contact, for some reason. Thus your addiction to your narc could be worse than if you had to see him everyday, warts, devaluations and all.
Is there anyway you could tell your husband that you need to be needed, or whichever part of your codependency needs to be fed?
If you even truly are codependent (have you ascertained that codependency is why you do not just go no contact?). If you need emotional display and provocation, maybe helping out at a womens shelter or group foster home? I’m sorry but I don’t recall at the moment what need he fills in you. Have you identified what that would be? How did you deal with it before he came on the scene?
It could be that you just don’t want to give up on any relationship, friendship, or social connection.
If it is sex that you get from him, and you have a sexless, but otherwise happy marriage, you have my sympathy. I am not dealing with that very well as a single person, and I don’t even have moral barriers to obstruct me.
Anyway, I just wanted to ask if you are sure what you get from him or the relationship. Maybe if you know exactly what part and why it is terrifying to think of the loss, you would be able at the least to find a healthier, less shameful to you, substitute, or even to heal that wound that makes you vulnerable to a predator.
And it wasn’t easy for me to leave mine. I was unsuccessful twice in staying away. I had been happy to be away from him, I did not miss him, but once he was able to talk to me, I let him talk me into taking care of his needs while ignoring mine. 38 years, his death was my final escape. So whatever you can do for yourself to end it, you do. You gotta know that nobody truly entangled finds it easy to go No Contact. Even if you only have negative emotions, you are still thinking of your narcissist.
You know that others have no magic that allows them to escape easier than you. They go No Contact till they get it right. They get outside support.
You have given support to others. Now what support do you need?
XOXO
Perse
Hi perse…tyso much for your reply and thoughts bc they really do get me working on myself. Its easy to blame the narcissist but i feel true healing is also learning about yourself and your part in it and thats not to say victims asked to be abused but that something about them made them stay longer than they shouldve.
I definitely am codependant and have struggled with low self love most of my life. I always attributed it to low confidance and being somewhat shy but it goes much deeper than that. Years later im not as shy and i do have way more confidance but i still lack self love. This goes back to my childhood.
As far as my marriage thats a dicey one. Id never leave my hubby. That being said i think the intimacy ship sailed long ago. When youre rejected and feel your partner doesnt want to be with you and struggle for years wondering why it kills attraction. Im no longer atttacted to him. Hes very good looking but theres nothing there anymore. I do think i need to face these issues and the hurt behind them which im plannkng to get into therapy again. Its been a few years. I find it hard bc i hate to cry in front of strangers and when i talk about it it triggers so many emotions and i end up crying. I guess thats the point of therapy to release these feelings. It puts you in such a vulnerable position.
My narc has devalued me thru the years and does so in a passive aggressive manner and the give and take method. You are right im a secondary so its easier to keep the mask in place. I think if i lived with him itd be over faster. Id see a side to him i wouldnt be able to ignore. The other sources id know about as well.
I had a therapist ask me what you have in what im getting from him?
Its not just sex in fact that hardly factors in why ive stayed.
I think ive just grown to rely on him always being there. Hes been my friend and confidante. I think ive isolated myself in a way and thats made the reliance worse. Ive been meeting friends thru the gym and my dance classes but this has been so different. Its hard to sort it out fully and i think thats where therapy will help. My last therapist gave me an ultimatum to make changes or not make further appointments so i never went back. Im hoping the next one will be a better fit for me. Im trying to focus more on myself now than why he is the way he is.
Ty for reaching out 💓
Hi perse…i forgot to mention also that i agree that many victims didnt want to leave and found it difficult to go no contact. Its good to keep that in mind. Its never easy any of it. It sounds like youve been thru so much. I hope youve found peace and happiness 🙂
“and also not wanting to”
This is not a judgement Narc Affair, because I think I understand after a long time of reading your posts why you are still engaged, but there it is in your own words.
Hi narcangel…yes thats it i dont want to let go but at the same time thats a problem. I think in many situations it comes to a head the abuse and that motivates change. Ive not had that degree of abuse. Id say im more a prisoner of my own mind. Looking back i had these issues before the narc and probably why he zoned in on me. Hes made it easier to ignore these issues alot like a narcs supply helps them ignore their inner core.
Thats probably why narcs and their victims magnetize bc they are dealing with similiar core problems. One is looking for validation and the other is too but in an abusive way.
I think the key lays within.
Narc Affair, thanks for your thoughts . . . I broke away New Year’s Eve and must have blocked him and unblocked him at least 50 times . . . ah 75+! It is not easy. I longed for him. I was as addicted to him as he was to me. I’m not that ‘tough.’ He knew what to say . . . and as I would wise up, he would go into his toolkit and up his game. My friends told me I ‘met my match,’ but he is Mensa IQ and he outmatched me–he’s dangerous, too.
Again, it is not easy. It was a slow process. Even after he assaulted me, I would still unblock him and he was right there. His texts queued up . . . waiting patiently for me to unblock him. He knew I would.
I begged him to block me. I tried to reason with him that we both stop the insanity.
I successfully blocked him the longest now . . . March 24th I told him DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. I filed a RO due to the assault, which happened January 21st. I know that isn’t along time. See how difficult it is? Without the RO, I would still be on the roller coaster and I know it.
But I know a RO isn’t always a choice. I never would have thought I am glad he assaulted me.
Logically, who would continue even a friendship after that? I even took that medicine and chose to turn the other cheek.
Hi dragonfly…im so sorry for what you endured. You know i used to wonder why women stayed who were physically assaulted but i realise now abuse is abuse and why do any of us stay for the amount of time we do. If theres a positive from this its that i have more compassion for others and am less judgmental.
Im glad you left. Physical abuse adds a whole other dimension to narcissism.
Youre so right its so toxic the addiction and the codependant dynamic and i know thats why full no contact is the only way. Thats why ive not done this yet bc im not ready to make that final step. Im not sure i could not now anyways.
Im so glad youre free! Keep going strong one day at a time 💓
The journey to let go of where the narcissist was or what he was doing has definitely been a challenging one.
Slowly I began to change my behaviours – when I thought about cruising by my ex’s place, I accepted the thought without taking the action.
I asked myself what I would accomplish by spying….am I hurting myself by this action?
The first time in two years I called him up the other day…I received information from a reservation that I had no desire to know anything about. I called him to ask if he would take my email off his info. He seemed compliant. His voice tone changed the moment he knew it was me.
The call was short, toneless, and fact based. The weird thing is since the call I am having scary thoughts again. They are brief and not near as intense as they used to be (the thoughts)…but still scary.
There are times when I have feelings for him again (thank the universe these are temporary)…
I feel the hook….what was the bait?
I feel sorry for him….there’s the bait…was I played into calling him? Did he know I would call? Did he recognize my number….if so, why did he pick up?
All these questions are answered by the knowledge that his behaviours are not gaged by logic. Narcisstic personality disorder doesn’t adhere to empathic ethics, values & morals.
And so another day something else is learned.
I love this space…the support and openness to learn new ways to cope & maintain no contact.
Thanks to everyone who participates as well as the narcissist who began this process in the first place.
Knowing I can’t follow my heart like I still want to because it was all false. Knowing I have to use my head and only I can protect myself by being strong and doing the right thing by not torturing myself and by limiting the fuel I give off. All so difficult but now manageable I think and hope.
Hearing the music I once loved which he destroyed because it reminded me of him so much. Starting to enjoy it again now for its own reasons not because it reminds me of him but this is after a year and it will never be quite the same.
The connection, and he knows it.
The only control one has is of oneself, I control the biggest con artist around my ET.
You are not the only one with a creature that must be contained HG, that witch is a pain in my tail at times.
something just clicked into place and my self respect just kicked in , no contact all the way for me I just knew I did not want to see him , as for social media no thankyou why would I have more questions than answers ??? That’s just torture . You must of truly had eneough though for all aspects of no contact to work xx best wishes everyone
Smear is tricky…cause that’s like a rumor you want to correct.
I know I’m well because I find it amusing how the rumors morph & change with his anger. He should just take out an ad or maybe throw a sheet up on the garage with his sad story. Pathetic.
Hi Kensey. Smear is tricky but I don’t want to protest too much so I give people the silent treatment when asked or simply say why do u want to know??
Dragonfly- excellent advise!
Accepting that I can’t go back to him accepting that I can’t have the life with him that I wanted accepting that the promises he made we’re false that his motivations we’re not pure that we won’t grow old together that we won’t have a happy marriage that we weren’t destined for each other that I got it wrong that I married a narc that I can never go back when my heart is telling me try again but my brain is telling me nothing will ever change the internal struggle is the hard part the actual no contact is easy the internal struggle is the hard part
Awe Ugotit
So well described….so true!
Blocking his number(s). I thought my no contact was solid. It wasn’t. I told myself I just wanted to know if he “tried” to hoover. You know, the hoover right after the discard? The one where most of us secretly hope they’ll be hoovered because they want so desperately to believe it was real? The one where we post “I’ll never be hoovered, not me” but secretly want encouragement that they will eventually? I, of course, wouldn’t answer or respond to a hoover…I just wanted to know.
Yep, that was me. Total bullshit. I think I lied to myself more than he lied to me! Well, I got my hoover and I F A I L E D. It set me back quite a bit and caused a little more self induced wreckage. Fortunately, it was only a phone hoover. The only thing that saved me not seeing him face to face is that I didn’t want him to know I’d gained 15 lbs. Hey, whatever it takes to stay no contact, right?
Now all numbers are blocked. Lesson learned.
12345
Haha, yes we know the not so secret one-we see through it here all the time. High five for your honesty and well done on your no contact. Now go have some ice cream.
I never blocked mine. In fact when I had contacted mine I did it from my old phone that was not in service as to where mine had actually had gps put on it without me knowing he had tracked me, that’s how he found me.I installed google voice on my phone and used that for all contact that week. I went full NC on the 14 February when I got what I needed from him. I still have all the evidence it’s linked to my old email account. I took H.G. Advise and got rid of everything changed everything. I went invisible to him not blocking him on anything even my PlayStation account for which when the attorneys told him never to contact me he did find me there under my new user ID. I did the screen shots etc.. when I got the friend request on there. Funny because he didn’t know it was me! And when I notified my attorney for which I hired first thing on the morning of 15 February. His attorney laughed at him and hen he claimed he didn’t know it was me!! Sent my x into a rage in his office! His attorney told him that he couldn’t work with him anymore. I left him knowing I was doing this for my pups!! I survived the smear campaigns I survived the breakdown in my psychologists office on 18 January when my break occurred knowing the police were behind the door when my doc said to me “ Rhonda do you think maybe a few days in the hospital might help you?” My first thought was my pups 100 miles away and my husband works at this VA hospital where I “was” being treated no more! I was able to regain some sanity and walk away from that hospital and Gainesville never to return! Nothing can prepare you for what comes next though!!! Nothing!! I had to go NC I had and still have precious lives that depend on me!! Mine is not physical never any physical violence, but knowing he wanted me to break that day he could’ve taken my pups because he was still on my advanced directives!! If I went in I would have lost the lives that have brought me through hell and gave me my reason! It was never about me! My strength was for the 4 innocent lives that depend on me!! I’m just now able to speak so sorry if this is lengthy!!I can handle anything!! But Mia,Bella,Daisy and Buddha depended solely on me for their safety!he had already taken 2 innocent lives he was not getting anymore!! Over my dead body!!
I was only involved with him for about six months when he disengaged. His reasons – he was busy, lived too far away, he had been single a long time, and I was too intense (trust me – he was intense, I wasn’t). That was two years ago. He subsequently hoovered, behaving as if nothing had ever happened. I didn’t go completely NC. For a time, I answered text in a cool but cordial manner. I told myself I was observing in order to learn how he operated, but maybe I was simply feeding my ego. He continued sporadic “let’s get together soon” texts. I haven’t responded since January as I have no desire to resurrect the relationship, However, I just can’t bring myself to block his number. I still dissect the whole business several time a day and “tell him off” in my head. I am ashamed and angered that I was hoodwinked. Do I subconsciously hold out hope for a validation show-down? Will blocking his number truly wean me off my ridiculous mental calisthenics?
It is a significant part of establishing your no contact regime and reducing your emotional thinking, but it cannot stand in splendid isolation.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Yes, I believe your assessment is correct. The clarity that develops with time and distance means I no longer fault him for my emotional thinking. At this juncture, allowing him to live rent-free in my head is a responsibility that lands squarely on my own shoulders. I will keep seeking self-absolution for my folly and continue reading your words of wisdom. Again, thank you.
You are welcome SBW.
For me it was constant thinking and replaying over and over in my head and also constantly checking the stats on a blog I ran to see if he/they were looking ME up.
Now when I think about them it is done more so for analytical reasons and if I do happen to notice something in my stats I don’t care anymore.
I’m more excited to see someone from Romania or Estonia.
With blocking both his social media and his telephone number, the issue is not that I don’t or haven’t blocked him; it’s that he keeps circumventing the blocks. I now have 14 of his social media accounts blocked, but I’m sure he has others that I don’t know about. My account is pretty locked down, but now I’m wondering if he may have found a way to hack into my account…. weird things are happening there.
As for the phone, he has learned to spoof numbers, so the block isn’t working. He called me from my own landline number last time! Change the number delete social media…. I know…. but I’ve already changed my number once, and I’m already so damned isolated because of the smear campaigns, and abandoning social media would serve to isolate me even more …. catch 22 everywhere, but eventually I’ll have no other choice unless he decides to stop acting like a psycho.
I think I need some aversion therapy to make me stop looking at his social media…. though as of yesterday, his “real” account is deactivated… that should help. Now, if I could just stop the thoughts and nightmares everything would be a-okay!
Snarkandgrace,
“He called me from my own landline number last time! ”
I do not think so, unless he has access to your PBX phone system and lives next door. He may have got your new number from people who know you. There are apps which let you disguise your phone number when calling someone (spoofing). You can enter any number you want. These apps let you change your voice (man/woman) and record calls too. You can google fake caller ID just to see an example.
I guess I should have been more descriptive in my explanation…. he spoofed my landline number – correct, he didn’t actually call me from that number. I had prefaced the statement with “he has learned to spoof numbers” so I thought my implication would be clear – that he had spoofed my landline number so that when my cell phone rang, the caller ID was my own landline number.
A better representation of the event would have been for me to say “He made it appear that he was calling me from my own landline last time!” Apologies for the murkiness of my description.
And no need to google anything…. I know all about the spoofing and voice disguising apps, as well as all the tracking apps and spying apps available. I guess I can thank him for my knowledge of those, due to his use of them to track my whereabouts, eavesdrop on my phone calls, and intercept my text messages, but thanks for the info…. never know who might need it.
Snarkand grace
No, you never know. Oh, and before I forget…… your mom called while you were at the grocery store wearing that blue sweater that really sets off your eyes.
Don’t think I haven’t had messages almost just like that! lol. Freaked me out at first… now I just roll my eyes. But No contact has been nice! I’ve even learned to delete his rogue voice mails without listening! Look at me go!
None of the above! The only time I contacted him was post escape. I ran on 27 December 2017.The only time I contacted him was when I admit I was vulnerable. I’m with a English Bulldog rescue I foster seniors and special needs pups. So when our senior foster Daisy passed in February I was alone and vulnerable! We did start talking that week! I had read your book “Revenge” actually have read and own most of your books! It was the book “ Escape” that saved not only my life but the life of my pups! I ran to another city I was found yes! Never went back I stood my ground! Soon H.G. I am going to be setting up a phone consultation with you.. I’m going through a divorce . I’m stronger than I ever was but I need advise! I’m getting help have been for a long time And everything is coming at me! I have changed in so many ways that may even surprise you! My soon to be x husband is a covert narcissist I did not figure this out until last month! I had known he was a narcissist for about a year before I finally left! But never could put a head on him til now! I’m no longer afraid of him! The one thing that kept me from ever going back was not fear of my safety but my pups! It wasn’t a threat to me he made that started my escape but one he made to one of my pups “ Bella” he had threatened to take her! And it was at that time I started the process of escaping I could only trust one person. The owner of the rescue. I have 4 English Bulldogs 2 are fosters 2 are mine! In the beginning of our divorce proceedings that the threat of him taking 2 of my pups because he claimed they were marital assets! Over my dead body!! See it was this how he knows to get to me! I can handle being hit, shot at (I’m a female ARMY Veteran) so guns knives nothing scares me! My fear was my pups! That’s how he’s able to get to me!! It wasn’t til I came out of the fog that I knew what really happened to 2 of my pups! China and Zeus! They were killed by his hands! And that I’ll never forgive!! Never!!So yes once I’m ready to face you I will set this up! I need to know what’s to expect next!I live in Jacksonville Florida now he remains in Gainesville. I’m still reeling over the covert narcissist and how I figured it out!!And I’ve realized I would rather have dealt with a greater like yourself than this!! I wish I had figured it out 2 years before I left! Just what kind of monster I was dealing with! I’m alone now worse than I was living isolated still worse, the fear is overwhelming now worse than ever! He knows my weakness! My pups!
Hi Rhonda,
I am so sorry he killed your dogs. They were your family and what he did is abominable. They are capable of killing pets and people too, including their own children. They will do anything to hurt us. This is one of the reasons I do not have a cat. I know the sadist next door would kill them to get to me. She has already done unspeakable things to hurt my husband. She has also killed at least two of her children’ hares. They behave like decent members of society when in front of others. Nobody can imagine what they are capable of when they are behind closed doors. I hope you find the help you need in your consultation. Good luck.
Rhonda
You dont need to prepare yourself to face HG. He is very professional and helpful-comforting even. So please do the consult sooner rather than later so that you are not overwhelmed, and can be better armed with information and a plan should the occasion arise to have to deal with the narc. All the best.
NA
I wrote that part wrong. Financially have to wait til the beginning of the month when my check comes in. I am a disabled veteran with 100% disability rating.70% of that rating is due to PTSD.And I may request 2 hours if possible. BTW? Marc Angel I’ve seen some of your comments, just what side of the fence do you play on?
Rhonda
You can’t tell? Oh dear. Keep reading and let me know what you decide.
Rhonda
Narc Angel is an Empath
Rhonda I’m scared for you u probably shouldn’t list the city u live in on here if he’s capable of killing dogs u don’t want him to know its u on here I don’t have this concern mines in another continent as far as your question about two hours if u pay I’m sure hg would accommodate but I’m guessing do to time constraints the two hours couldn’t be consecutive not to speak for him just my guess goodluck
He found me in January.And has never shown up! He has physical ailments.. im a hell of a lot stronger now mentally. How he took my pups lives was not physical. Physically he can’t function. I’m talking legalities and want to know just what he might be planning. I resisted the Hoover’s. All the love in the world would ever make me go back.. And I isolate badly.. Me and mine have a past that extends all the way back to 1987 when we were stationed in Germany together. I left him in 1989 and was sent to Alaska. I never saw him again and had made my life (Ghost) for 25 years. The only way he found me was through my sons Facebook. Even now I’m Ghost again. We are both in our 50’s. But me having a military police background helps. My pups are extremely protected. They have been hidden…
In this case I’m glad I misunderstood thought he actually killed the dogs himself and was a dangerous psychopath glad your safe physically from him
I’m still trying to remove it also.
It seems that where my heart is concerned…he has somehow programmed into me himself as a default setting. So no matter how mad at him I get or how disgusted I get with him or no matter how bad I may try to hate him or even how angry I feel at times…the next morning when I wake up….bam…back to default he goes. It’s like I can’t hate him for more than a day. That also applies with anger. I will have very intense negative feelings concerning him and even disqust one day and then I will feel that the setting has been removed and then it’s like when I sleep over night it gets reset right back to default. WTH? It beats all I have ever seen really. At least I am no longer reaching out to him and I don’t feel safe with him or trust him any longer. At least that setting has changed. However I just can’t hate or be angry at him for longer than a day. Once I sleep it’s gone and refreshed. Anyways weird way to describe his effect on me but it’s the only way I can describe such as insane thing. To be honest I have never experienced such loyalty concerning my heart. Aside from family that is. It doesn’t seem to matter how much knowledge I gain or take in…the default setting still remains unchanged.
I will say even with how much I have learned about this man’s heart ❤️ or lack thereof 🖤. I still haven’t been able to keep his number blocked long. After awhile I just unblock it. Morbid curiosity I believe. As far as items he’s given me, I have parted with everything accept my Tiffany’s bracelet which I cannot part with. The thoughts are thank god lessening. We are talking 3 to 4 years here. Although I have moved on as in I have had other relationships since him, he has been the constant in the back of my mind I suppose. However I am not in denial of what he is anymore and I am no longer having hope concerning him. It is what it is no matter how demonic he is. I do feel his presence in my heart and mind has lessened quite a bit since I have been learning so much about the incidiousness of his heart and past motives. I now know he will never be my night in shining armor to rescue me from anything.
I would have to divide the answer in three sections:
I) Family. Relatives keep bringing the subject up.
II) Work. Former narc ‘fling’ used to work on my previous job. I was very lucky though and he went to another position.
III) Fiance. Thoughts about how could I have missed this red flag…and that other…oops, do you remember when that also happened…And so much on. Also used to peep his social media but as for now I am the Correct No Contact.
Having to maintain limited email contact re last income tax , and divorce matters, hardest thing is being forced to read emails even of a business nature bcs it scares me . He scares me. He won’t let go. I just want never to have to interact w him in any way whatsoever and bcs of long drawn out legal proceedings ( he’s obstructing) I’m forced to have this limited contact which is toxic to me. Anger that I have to change EVERYTHING to avoid him ( very disruptive to my family) and he sails through unchanged get and unaffected and manipulating all . He totally ignores my desire to be free and keeps acting like we are still a family . I wish I didn’t have to have ANY contact. This is torturous getting free. It feels very evil ( directed at me)
Other people keep bringing up the narcissist …
LOL curious in a heartbeat
Avoiding physical interaction with the narcissist(s).
The rest of the family would not go no contact with him. He would waltz into their homes whenever he liked, unannounced, or just show up at an event. So to go no contact with him pretty much meant other family members also.
Lack of understanding from friends on how twisted/malicious the narc was? How you can miss, despair & hate them all at once? How it can mess you up in so many ways that takes a long time to get over? Unless your friends have been through the same things, it can be a very lonely time of healing.
Small town life! Every few months a Hoover. UMR narcoholic came at me yesterday , I breezed past him and said “oh fuck off” lol. He was left sputtering, I exited the store.
No biggy now, it’s gonna happen, I’m ok with it, GOSO is in full effect to the best of my ability. I just avoid him the way I’d avoid stepping in a pile of dog shit, no more no less
Oops meant LMR narcoholic.
My UMR is nowhere to be seen since I went GOSO/full no contact. I’ll hear from him eventually, I know, I’ll stay resistant! (Never immune, eh?)
W, I luv u. So funny. I have a narc watching over me and I’m thinking I’m just going to have to say bugga off! Plus Lmao about the dog shot. U said how I feel 💩
The hardest part of “no contact” has definitely been the repeated and protracted thoughts of life both ‘before’ and ‘after’ I discovered the truth about their narcissism.
I find it most difficult to forget the past and move on from it. I keep thinking about years and years of memories and it seems incredible that it was all a facade and that the actual truth was much more sinister than I could ever have imagined.
Living through this has a deeply profound effect on many aspects of your life.
For me, It’s not a case of thoughts or memories about the person or the experiences I lived through. It’s more a case of feeling as though the after-effects have been imprinted into the very cells of my being. How do you change that?
It was all good at the begining . A sense of control, power plus I was so confused and tired that I was just sleeping.
Then I felt better, free, strong , healed and like someone who stops her lithium because she feels good and feels she does not needed it I unblocked him at Valentine’s Day thinking I was healed . Naive me . ( no I don’t take lithium – but I have been in contact with people who needed it)
I unblocked him to see if he would write to me. When I heard his personal text sound on my phone – my heart bounced . I was baked.
OMJ
Isnt unblocking him just like an recovered alcoholic having just one little drink?
I think unblocking is bc you want to hear from them whether you think its bc your healed or not.
OMJ
Russian roulette is a dangerous game to place….regardless of which form it takes.
Twilight you are right … I had a guy you and I know telling me the same thing :))
Really everything is perfect until that first unblocking then it all become blurry again.
I went completly No Contact . With both my exes . The worst part with the last one after that was not have him in my mind . I don’ t want him back , but like the addiction created not thinking of him is the hard part . Getting better each day , it’ s been one year since the last time I saw him in person , 8 months FULLY NC .
Thank you
You omitted the choice of: Having a mad desire to punch him in the face
Avoiding physical interaction – it was covered.