The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 1
The heart of an empath is treasured by our kind. Whilst our own hearts are black and iced, the heart of the empath radiates with fuel. It is capable of love, desire, admiration, compassion, concern, hurt and so many other emotions which radiate from it. The empathic heart is a veritable fuel pump and as such is coveted by us. It has so much more to it than that which we have in our hearts. We are envious of this but recognise how such a heart is there to serve us and cater for our needs.
You, as an empathic individual, also have one further major difference between your heart and ours.
Yours is free.
Your heart is free to choose who it engages with. Who it falls in love with, who it wishes to show joy to, who it wishes to share its innermost desires and secrets with. It is free to show its pain to those that it chooses.
We are jealous of that freedom. Our desire to receive the bountiful fuel which is pumped from you by this delicious heart brings with it our desire to capture it and prevent you exercising this freedom any further.
Our dark hearts are bound to the venom that flows through us, to the vitriol which we spray over those around us and the adherence to hatred, envy, fury and other such dark emotions. Our hearts know no such freedom like yours. The nature of our hearts is that they are pre-ordained in how they will function.
In capturing your heart for the purposes of fuel, we also desire to capture your heart to take away this freedom that you have and the absolute method of removing this freedom is to bring about the effective ‘death’ of your heart.
We are insidious agents, proponents of the salami-slicing approach which enables us to secure our aims through a thousand deft and delicate cuts so that you never notice what is actually happening. We are no different in this modus operandi when it comes to the ‘killing’ of your heart. The death of your heart is effected through the removal of its freedom.
Each and every day we advance our cause to gain fuel and to secure the bondage of your heart, little by little, as we strip it of its freedom. Through the dazzling love-bombing we invade it, taking it piece by piece so that it belongs to us. We permeate your life through our compliments, our apparent love, our fabricated passion for you, our illusory desire as you are gradually over run and conquered. With each passing day as we unleash our charm on you, our legions of text messages, our battalions of telephone conversations and the marching foot soldiers of love, we take a piece of your heart and capture it. Thus a part of it has effectively ‘died’ since it has lost that free will.
Of course, entirely consistent with the notion of romance that you have been indoctrinated with, the capture of your heart in such a way is regarded as a wonderful thing. You are regarding this capture as one which is healthy, respectful and you do not recognise that it has been predicated on a false premise.
Once we have you embedded your heart is ours. It has been captured. You no longer are afforded the choice of where your emotions can be directed. They must be directed towards us and us alone for the purposes of our fuel provision. The onslaught continues as having captured your heart, we then set about our scorched earth approach through devaluation as our despicable manipulations and horrid machinations are deployed against you for the purposes of maintaining the occupation of your heart and the total hegemonic control of its emotional output.
We captured the good – the love, the admiration, the compassion, the happiness, the joy and so forth.
Now we capture the bad – the pain, the hurt, the fear, the terror, the hatred and all other negative emotions.
Little by little, day by day, we invade your heart and occupy it, making it ours, commandeering its emotional resources for our own use and in so doing we strip away its ability to function in a free manner.
The removal of this freedom is how your heart dies when you are with us.
This happens on a daily basis as we slowly cause your heart to ‘die’ through our polluted control of you.
53 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 1”
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HG, thank you for illuminating this the way only you can. It’s really terrifying and exhausting, this constant dancing at the mercy of the puppet master.
I want to put this particular article on my Pinterest because I have a Pinterest Board entitled: Knowing The Narcissist.
Poignant 🙁
Janis Joplin couldn’t have said it any better.
High praise indeed, MH.
I feel as though my heart died long before he did.
But I know that isn’t completely true. I still want to stop others pain, but I think it is because I feel it, too, rather than to actually help them.
Because now, everyone is suspect.
Even if I can see that some people I can’t be around, I feel there are those I still can’t see will be a problem.
Probably still not healthy, but the only way I know how to protect myself.
At least here, I feel safer than IRL.
The first thought on reading this is “Do I need to be reminded of this?”
Yes, or I might still allow someone to kill what’s left of my heart.
Referring back to a post you wrote two years ago, you said that if someone asks you questions face to face, your could go into a rage. Why do questions bother a narcissist so much?
Challenges our superiority by trying to make us accountable and thus superiority has to be asserted.
But HG what freedom of the heart are you jealous of. Your heart is and always was free. If it is imprisoned the cell door isn’t locked you can walk out anytime.
I’m curious why don’t you? Why don’t you try another way? If you are envious of hearts that indicates that you are aware of another way one that you envision is better than your way. Is that a fair conclusion ? So why don’t you try another way ?
Once, in my youth, i had a vision that my heart was dying inside the heart of a rabbit, then a deer then a horse and a cow, all hearts slowing dying around mine. When i died my heart exploded with light and i saw nature and the universe as one big field of stars – a vision of eternity.
The immortality of the narcissist is like the undead heart, inside an egg, locked in a chest, under a tree, etc. where no one can find it. Its vulnerability is that, despite its power and inaccessibility, separated even from the owner – it’s just a material object.
Wow!
YES i also said the same… WOW.. excelente
Yes there are really no other words after reading something like that.
Right!
It’s the toxic buildup of the hardened chunks of the unresolved hurt and anger of resentment that kills the empathic heart and clogs the fuel lines leading to the narcissist. The narcissist would do well to study the dynamic that resentment plays in the drying up of fuel (both positive and negative) and the creation of apathy. If he could learn to prevent or diminish the effects of resentment, he could conceivably keep the fuel lines flowing in his favor indefinitely. Just a thought.
Yeah, my unresolved hurt and resentment became sky-high. So high, that only with hard work, displays of loyalty and friendship on his part could that mountain ever shrink. And since that can’t ever happen… I am to him, and he is to me, dead to each other.
HG wrote elsewhere that his kind gets bored with even the best good fuel, and then turns to extracting the bad fuel instead. Going as far a seeking new good fuel elsewhere, only to return later to what is familiar, implementing a hoover. The narc I had was not in a romantic relationship with me, but we worked together for more than 6 years. He preferred attention/fuel of the positive kind, but if he could not obtain that, he would settle for the negative one – apparently feeling best when able to bring me back to giving positive fuel once more. I loved his ability to relax me when the workload was brutal, but he himself seemed never at peace for more than a day or two. It must be an exhausting existence.
HG, any idea what the calming effect is? I’ve experienced it as well.
Xanax?
Baton twirling
Ha Ha. You’re definitely right about that! Especially when washed down with a couple of glasses of red.
But seriously, I think I figured this one out on my own.
I think the calming effect of the narcissist is not done intentionally. It’s the energy of the LACK of emotion being picked up on by the sensitivity of the empath. I put this in the “Pro” column.
Bad fuel to defends them against their negative feelings and self-loathing, it’s never about us.
I wrote before that I wondered about the fact that I felt “serene” around my ex-Greater, (probably at least borderline sociopath) even though we would always meet for coffee- no Xanax slipped in there! I also likened being too near to him to being on the edge of a black hole- before finding this site! I thought he was just very strong and stable and I was picking up on that, but it’s more likely that he was sucking up all my energy and that he was giving off no emotion- nothing to perturb my sensitivity. Maybe that was part of the attraction- restful, in a way. Another red flag to add the list- feeling calm around soemeone? That’s horrible.
Good thoughts MH! If you feel especially calm and want to spill your guts at the same time especially. Something about them makes you feel completely at ease to tell them anything! I’ve found that I allow myself to be more vulnerable around them that anybody else. Maybe that’s why we believe it when they say we’re soul mates. If they feel familiar and comfortable, run!
“Your heart is free to choose who it engages with. Who it falls in love with, who it wishes to show joy to, who it wishes to share its innermost desires and secrets with. It is free to show its pain to those that it chooses.
We are jealous of that freedom. Our desire to receive the bountiful fuel which is pumped from you by this delicious heart brings with it our desire to capture it and prevent you exercising this freedom any further.”
So beautifully expressed…
HG, You’ve brought the phrase”takes one to know one” to a whole new level. No matter your motives for informing others about narcissism, you are doing a very unselfish thing whether you like it or not!
Thank you Cindy.
“You’ve kept me on a string with my heart removed
You throw me in the dark like my pain is your fuel”
~ You wanted all of me in exchange so here you go
I must say, after these narc experiences, which led to discovering this blog,
I’m relieved the “notion of romance that you have been indoctrinated” is not real.
I believed the fairytale illusion expectation, and now I’m simply content to never have it , , bcuz if it’s bombardment, it’s most likely a narc.
Wow, great article. Also love the pic, as usual
Thank you.
Sad ….but …my children have my heart they are the only ones I would take a bullet for, not the narc.
Funny for this last Narc I always had my heart on a reserve – I felt my brain loved him- my affectionate me – my body loved him but I was never able to fully give him my heart or even tell him I love you . I wrote it a few times , mostly in crisis but never a real sincere in person I love you.
Sometimes he came to me saying … you love me .. you wrote it .
I gave myself for sure in many ways – but I saw this more as a partnership as I knew from the begining he was broken.
I think, in retrospect that I never fully gave my heart to any man but my father and when I was 20 he confided in me so many horribles things he had done to my mom that my heart closed off forever – I mean – a trusting heart.
I never really trusted them deep down – but always wanted to. So I was co-dependent not loving in the real sense and not trusting but wanting to love and trust.
What I liked with my actual narc is that everything was out there – the cheating – the lies- the other woman – they were so obvious that it comforted me that it was sure I could not trust.
So not sure what narcs saw in my heart – but It was as much as a mirage for them than for me.
Codependency and love – not to be confused
Agreed ! .
But somehow off course they nor we depend on “Normal” people .
Well I guess we’ve got about 3 days at best before I’m dead then.
Say it isn’t so, Little Angel! XO.
Narc Angel, you bring a smile to my face. I don’t comment on all your posts, but that doesn’t mean you don’t contine to cause an eruption of laughter.
HG,
This is so true.
It’s strange, but I’m jealous of your heart, logical and stealth thinking.
I know my life and heart are harder now, but I never considered it free. I guess by a narcissistic mind, it would seem that way. My narc said he loved my free spirit. I saw the empty hole he had in his heart. It’s weird how an empath can see it. And of course I did everything in my power to fill up his emtyness. Of course I gave more and more, becoming frustrated and angry at both of us, but mainly myself until he took over and yes, the death of my heart began. It’s taken two years to begin to bounce back from it. And my life is still a mess. And quite angry I have to do all the clean up.
I’m glad I found you. You have helped me see he won’t change. He is who he is. I am who I am.
Btw HG,
I’ve learned the extreme hard way there is no prince charming to chase me down with a glass slipper, and if I lose my shoe at midnight, it’s because I’m drunk.
Sad, but true. But I’d rather it be that way instead of finding what I have all my life so far. I’m learning the only one I can fix is me.
Beautifully said, T. Anyone charming who is chasing us down to return our shoe is NOT doing it out of genuine kindness and concern. There is a price attached.
Thanks Mary.
Hello T. I can relate to what you are saying. That first night when I met my narcissist, I sensed that there was a wounded little boy inside. Like you, I soon saw the hole and wanted to do everything I could to help him fill that space.
We give so much of our hearts to help heal theirs.
We eventually give until there’s little left. I’m glad that you found a place to help heal… and that you’ve been able to start to bounce back. And as much as we try to change them… well, it helps to finally accept that the only thing we can change is ourselves. It’s taken me a long time to reach that place. Some days, I still reach where I know I shouldn’t. Being here helps me to stay focused as I’m amazed at how much discipline it takes to stay on course.
Best wishes to you, T, as you continue to heal and rebuild your life.
Thank you.
It’s been a long hard road.
It’s taken so much energy to go through and deal with.
And really, I think the narcissist has it worse.
I can’t imagine the facade they have to keep up just to get and constantly have to get so they can survive.
I understand this now. But sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow. And harder for us, the Empath to not want to fix. Now I know I can’t fix or help. It’s hard to accept sometimes, but it’s better than being ensnared and trapped.
I’m not even going to read this one, HG. The TITLE says it all! Dang, all we have to do is say that three times a day – every time we brush our teeth.
Mission accomplished!
Excellent point, Sweet Caroline! And I like your tip.
Instead of setting a two-minute timer, I need to play a recording each morning of HG’s voice offering a daily warning (in a NOAA style approach… loud beeping and all).
Spit, rinse and be warned. (I think you’re on to something, Caroline.)
And HG, that was touching, beautifully written and an excellent reminder. It’s true though, about our hearts being captured. I feel as though mine is forever bound and damaged.
Reading how long ago some of the commentators have been involved with a narcissist, I wonder if our hearts can ever be the same?
Krispy, you sound so happy and full of adoring transference.
Nope, our hearts can never be the same, life changes us and so does trauma, trauma especially leaves a vivid memory impression behind, as HG knows and explains, we’ll remember a car crash more than eating a delicious ice cream – because he’s a total sadist, and not in the good way. You do get that right?
Although i have to say, i once had this amazing cassis and pistachio ice cream that was to die for. Masochists can be so unfaithful, we love pain but also euphoria and pleasure and joy – and that’s the antidote, see? Use love to rebel, radically, rather than submit. Submitting is a way of anaesthetising the pain, but it can become denial if you’re not careful.
If you want to read more about trauma , Gabor Mate is my favorite author. He says their are 3 conditons for addiction , trauma ( sense of separation, ostracism of some sort etc) – biological predisposition and cultural ( upbringing ). As many co-dependent also have addictions ( people addictions ) I find he is a great reference about the trauma part and how our primary trauma have predisposed us to get ensnared ( I am saying this – not sure I have read him talk about narcissism) .
Haha, BKK! Electric toothbrush timer beep replaced by HG’s voiced witticisms + warnings? Hmm, I see him on this ASAP (site ad coming?). 😉
Thank you /iroll… I appreciate your well-contemplated comments. I am, in general, a happy person, but I’ve let this whole narcissist thing wound me in a way I never imagined. I do have a lot of emotions going on regarding my narc-experience, so I seem to bounce all over the place with my “feelings of the day.” So frustrating!
Perhaps there is a bit transference neurosis going on? Ha! Even though on one hand, I know exactly who I am, on the other, I’m still trying to figure “me” out. I’m pretty serious about learning all I can about narcissism, but several of my silly comments are only in light-hearted fun.
I do understand what HG is… as much as I can understand anyone with those traits.
It’s hard to accept that our hearts can never be the same. I miss my old heart.
But I understand what you are saying regarding how vivid the image of pain is… Technicolor 3-D going on in this head, playing on a loop! But like you, I still have some found memories that will trump the ugly any day.
When I was first dealing with this, I was a complete mess. I’ve been almost two years in on working through the harsh realization that my narcissist wasn’t who he portrayed, even though I knew something wasn’t right for longer. That process included a lot of bouncing back and forth between seeing him or just communicating with him to having periods of no contact. But I have managed to not physically see him for a year now, so I’m getting to a stronger place… more anger, actually… but some days are rough because I’m feeling on the softer side. The indifferent days are the sweetest.
Thank you for your advice /iroll. I truly appreciate anyone who has endured this phenomenon and who can offer me their wisdom. And I will be careful not to replace one addiction for another.
But for some reason, I’m craving ice cream right now. ☺
I enjoy your wit, Caroline!
Aw, thank you…I enjoy your sparkle, Missy! 🙂
Good to see you Caroline ! Hope all is well 🙂
Could be a bit better, my friend… but not as bad as it could be I guess. At some point, this ring-around-the-rosy will stop. I say this because it makes me feel better — not because I actually see a decent end in sight yet. *_*