The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
21 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers”
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We are up against a monster
I see myself in there. I was “blindfolded” (with multiple blindfolds)and the more i read your help, it is as if one blindfold is slowly coming off and i see things clearer and clearer.
HG-mainly Nymph. I’m still 100% NC after being discarded 7months ago. However I admit the sex part seems alluring if the ex showed up. I now know What those guys in movies meant when they said oh she meant nothing to me when they talk about affairs. I was always like skeptical but now I know it’s entirely possible for a narcissist that’s actually true. But the partner doesn’t realize- guess what … neither do they mean anything! Like I now realize. I have no desire for reinstatement of a relationship but would possibly negotiate sex only while I am single.
I am single still and wouldn’t be cheating or lying for sex-her 7 month new IPPS is gushing fuel likely so she won’t be sniffing around.
Part of that allure to get another lay in- is that it would also prove/validate to me that this new person really means nothing to her either. And my guilt or evil in desiring the tussle is in that I inow the new victim is doomed anyways- so screw it – lol. Like how can one ‘respect’ the narcissists relationships?
I see it as a simple sex transaction. Now I doubt she would trust me that I was not going to trick her into exposure somehow. I don’t even know if it would be something she would be enticed into. And it would not be anything I would write in a text or email or letter.
another thing is this new person is really kinda fugly and my narc would definitely have to take a boiling hot shower with lots of soap before I’d touch her again. Eek.
HGT, in response to posing questions to you before Friday. What is their obsession with alcohol. Why do they pretend not to drink it and always spread lies about others abusing it…especially during the discard phaise. My narc constantly creates opportunities to have parties at her home, which she cannot afford, but to entertain people who rarely have her back…and why don”t they? At these grand gatherings all the guests are in wonder to each other and her about the hospitality, style and elegance. Why are pedestrians are happy to enjoy the hospitality and gatherings and nudge a guest to say, ‘this is great but is she a little strange’. Does the hospitality bind them in some way? The Emperor is not wearing any clothes, and nobody got the memo?
Please see Cheers – The Narcissist and Alcohol.
That little bastard lol! Very interesting. I went no contact May 4, 2017 when he started to triangulate me with my best friend whom I grew up with (we all went to school together and we all started talking again from meeting up at a reunion). She talks to him now and not me. It bothered me first but i am over it now thank God and thanks to HG!
The wrong law of attraction….
I can only blame myself . Redflags were everywhere he walked out of it unharmed because I was giving all the fuel he wanted for walking out . I just didn’t want my narcradar go off and me being wrong. Now I finally know he’s a Greater with his reptilian smile and calculated manipulations . If I hadn’t read this today I would repeat this cycle . He had me played out . But this no contact i’ll implement will be checkmate !
Thank you HG great article!
You are welcome.
The Nymph. Yes, dammit. And proud of it.
Dammit…
“Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly.”
I bought myself some “menthol” by reading your blog! Thank you, doctor! 😉
And yes, I recognize myself in some of the lines up here.
Oh, I have to add #4 only I don’t need a Hoover from him to help me understand my part in the soap opera. I’ll let my therapist generally bring me to that.
T, I am in therapy and glad I am. I went total No Contact (difficult) and I had grounds for a Restraining Order to be served on my ex. Also a very difficult way to ascertain I don’t see my ex.
I use this site, read Hg’s books, and listen to HG’s stuff . . . talk to my women friends . . . every day.
I gave up two male friends so far that I have/had emotional relationships with for literally years. I figured one has been using me second or tertiary for 8 years; the other may be reinstated as a friend as I think he may be a victim also.
I’m trying to ascertain my role though more so than helping or figuring anybody else out.
I share this to show there are many options for self-care. What is working for me may not work for someone else.
All I know is the last 4 days I have felt a return of peace and tranquility in my life.
As for the article I’m the nymph. When I think of him every day, less and less each day, I miss the fake intimacy.
I THINK I am over the rest of it because his rage could kill me literally. I refuse to be controlled. I hope I never see him again. Forgiveness has been difficult.
Wow! Dragonfly!
I relate as well. Right now I’m on a rather lonely road, but by choice. I’ve done a total blackout of friends and family. And no social media. I live on an island, and had to move to a different one, etc…he messed up my body pretty bad. But I was staying because I wanted something in my life to work. Of course it did not.
I just started therapy today. My head is still buzzing from the rage I felt.
I, like you was the nymph, healer, lol…I couldn’t heal sh@% and also the naval gazer.
I’m so poor I wish I could buy He’s books due to a financial meltdown presently. But one day soon I’ll be able to live again.
I hang on every word HG writes. In a weird way it’s comforting.
Kudos to you for moving on, Dragonfly.
I’m glad we all found one another here on this site.
No.
Oh, yes! Number 1 was my setback, many a time!
Yes, yes,and yes.
Now it’s all a blur and feel complacent about it all. Tuning it out and wanting to move on.
Because I have to.
Beginning therapy today.
I cannot think for a second that I’m ok. I’m not.
Thank you for your help, HG. It’s become a valued resource.
You are welcome.
Ok, #10 you say:
“Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.”
My narc was just a friend that would text me every time after his wife would go off on him for something he did (was usually some type of triangulation involving one of her friends). He always said he HATES it when she would go off on him, he would even call out of work for the next day or two because he would get so upset.
If his goal is to obtain this kind of fuel from his wife, why would he do it if it makes him this upset?
He doesn’t, he just says that for the purposes of gaining fuel from you.
Hi Holly,
There’s no other reason than he has to be that way.
He won’t change. Not ever.
HG helped me finally get it.
It’s been a massive pill to swallow and is one i still choke on.