Down
It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.
I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure. Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it. Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour. But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried. You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own. It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you. You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all. What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale. Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.
23 thoughts on “Down”
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HG: are all IPPSs and former IPPSs always taken down/devalued/discarded/disengaged and painted black followed by hoover/white/rinse repeat cycle all over again? I’ve experienced at least 3 such cycles – any limit to them ending? Am no contact now but in at least 2 spheres of influence. Would appreciate your input.
The cycle of the IPPS is one of seduction, devaluation. For most there is disengagement. Some may remain in devaluation thereafter if they do not escape or there is no disengagement trigger.
For those who are disengaged, they will be hoovered – subject to Hoover ~Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria and even then the hoover may not result in the resumption of an IPPS relationship. It could be a Shelf IPSS arrangement or just gathering fuel as a one off. More than one hoover (either for fuel or for fuel and the resumption of the Formal Relationship
Thank you HG! Based on your answer I understand that a hoover is rather likely, correct? This repeating of cycles – with varying degrees of seduction, devaluation and discard has spanned almost 17 years (!) with this being no contact attempt number 3. Of course subject to hoover criteria and trigger.
There is always a risk of a hoover. The likelihood depends on the HT and the HEC and you can do much to influence the likelihood.
Thank you again! Yes, bulletproof no contact is what I need to implement and enforce. Am trying that, so hopefully likelihood will be diminished.
HG, what about the narcs who actually do stay, for years or even a lifetime?
My ex was with his 1st wife 12 years, and he and I were married 4 years. He’s been with his present supply (girlfriend)now about 4 years. I keep waiting for the announcement that she’s been tossed aside, but not yet. She is an alcoholic co-dependent, and I tried to warn her…… I doubt she’ll ever be the leaver.
My father is a classic collapsed narcissist, and my parents have been married for over 64 years. It has been a lifetime of hell for my mom (and all of us kids) but she is such a co-dependent, I know she’ll never leave. He’s constantly yelling and never speaks to her unless it’s in a tone dripping with venom and scorn. It really hurts her, but she stil says she feels sorry for him. It’s getting worse by the day, as they both are losing their mental and physical capabilities.
These are both very manipulative, abusive men, and fit the narcissist criteria, unless I am missing something. Is this a different type/level of narc? Or something altogether different?
What exactly, in detail, do your kind (say, “yourself”) want/need that not one person in the entire universe is able to provide for a sustained amount of time? I only ask because I know there are those Givers whose sole mission in life is to please, and submit to their partner. So, what are they missing in that the Narcissist is still going to move on?
Fuel which remains fresh, plentiful and frequent.
mmm…. yaaaa….
thank you!
Hg – So does this mean that most people who spend a lot of years with a narcissist like a 20 year marriage actually go through devaluation for the majority of that time?
In and out of devaluation, with respite periods.
Eegaad. Your articles help me reflect, evaluate my personal experience, and keep the memories of devaluation in the forefront, which I greatly appreciate.
I don’t ever want to forget the devaluation. It was not that long ago . . . January was when I escaped. But I let him hoover me (unaware who he was yet). He went into a rage over something I said. I knew he was overreacting. I just sat and watched him go into a rage and rant. I said nothing. No emotional reaction. He got no fuel. I was finally done with him.
I was only with him 7 months and I loved his brilliance. I still do, but when the devaluation started . . . I’m out of there!! Just call me shallow for not trying harder lol
I never really have participate In BDSM…. I think that is the right initials. I feel that the ex greater was definitely into all of that. We just didn’t get that far. He told me he believed that I suppressed my sexual desires. Anyways but not to get to deep on that lol. I guess he just didn’t turn me on enough sexually speaking. Maybe if he did or went about it differently….I wouldn’t have been so suppressive. I’m not sure how I feel about all of that have not experienced such. Not saying I never would try it but not with someone I can’t trust. Or not with someone who doesn’t turn me on sexually. Sorry to get so deep or descriptive on here. Hope I’m not breaking the rules.
My greater wanted to watch me with other men. I had to get out as I knew if I stayed he’d put me in a situation I couldn’t get out of. It was exciting I thought it a fantasy but I knew one day he’d make it real it was also a devaluation.
I never really pinned down what started the devaluation.
Been no contact for a year. 4 attempts my him to break that.
Em
Oh wow. Yeah that’s pretty intense. Good for you getting out. Also could you explain how you handles the four attempts by him to break no contact. Like what he said and how you handled it or shunned it rather. Also how did you feel when the four attemots happened? Sorry to pry just wondering.
Thank you Bella is lost. I’m out but I don’t like it and not fully healed. Still think about him most days.
But there’s no option if I want to be sane. All attempts were for negative fuel. After an initial hoover face to face which was for negative fuel as he continued to devalue me I threatened a restraining order. He then stopped for quite awhile. I made my head rule my heart. I just had to against what my heart wanted. With everything he’d done I just could not go back.
He’d lied to me and cheated in v cruel ways.
Then the attempts have all been through different messaging apps that i thought I’d blocked or had forgotten about. The contacts were all without using my name. Could have been for anyone. Saying me missed me or was thinking about me or he knew I didn’t want to think about him.
Or he said he was talking to a friend about me. A female friend. Triangulation. I blocked them. But when I left them for a few days on one occasion they got more provoking of my anger. The very last one was an email with just a question in the subject header ‘any possibility of communicating?’ Nothing in the email. Impersonal. Minimum effort. Slightly demeaning. Could have been sent to many others.
I ignored. A friend deleted all his photos from my phone. Ive stopped looking on line. But every contact hurts even though I don’t reply. I wish it was different. I was hurt so badly by the cognitive dissonance I know I can’t go back. But boy do I wish I could. I wasted 10 years. I miss him. I know he’s chasing younger and younger and still has the same ipps who doesn’t know or doesn’t care. I realise I was devalued and triangulated for many years while he lied that there was no one else. I also didn’t want to see it.
These were four attempts over 7 months after me threatening a restraining order. The threat finally quietened him down because I had never done that before. He knew I meant it although I never followed through.
These attempts have all been through different messaging apps and email. I deleted him from an app but should have blocked him. So I got a message wishing me well. Impersonal no name. Obviously used with others. I blocked him.
Then he found an app i don’t even use. Sent me a ‘i know you don’t want to think about me, but I think about you’ message. Again impersonal and assuming. I left it. I ignored. Then I got ‘telling all to a friend’. My heart raced as to what that meant. Which friend? What’s being said?
I realised what he was doing my emotions were running again. I blocked him.
I most recently got an email with a message in subject header only asking if there’s any possibility of communicating. Thanks it…nothing personal about it.
While I’d love to talk to him in some ways I know he will only want to hurt me and get negative fuel off me, triangulate me with people and new objects.
I’ve ignored it. I’m waiting for karma. Oh delicious karma. That will be the best news. So difficult to keep remembering it’s all fake. I have a couple of great friends who have experienced similar so are great support when I wobble. It’s gradually gradually getting easier.
I also have to remember how empty and unhappy he really is.
None of his grandness grand holidays grand events grand friends grand toys actually make him happy.
He gave me so many indicators. Told me he was scared of the world. Didn’t have the ability to love. Although he told the ipps he loved her. Wanted to be the best he could. Wanted to be a better person (whatever that meant). All the clues were there.
There are so many tricks and lies and deceptions looking back. And he thinks it makes him clever to deceive people who trust him.
HG, harsh reality.
So very true.
There is no other choice than to be more than careful. Your kind has been a serious drug for me.
I realise I will always attract your kind because I’m an empath. But think it’s what I do with that.
Stay or walk away from past narcs and future ones. Walking away is more appealing now.
Thank you for teaching me how to.
I hang on every word you write to help me think twice. To begin to healing. Thank you for being here.
Almost makes me feel like saying….”yes master”…but not in a submissive way!
Oh i call my narc Master, but i’m totally slumming it, perals before swine. He’s jealous and i should be crushed! But i’m really caught in my own issues and the narc plays for me ‘the monster of my anxieties’.
These kinds of entries help me to understand that my masochism is far more meaningful to me than his sadism towards me, is to him. I am understanding he’s avoiding being wounded while getting what he wants, which is a very minimal energy conserving power game. It’s not just their egocentricity, but the fact that all of it stems from inner emptiness, detachment and the boredom that comes from it.
They need medication to manage being understimulated, on top of therapy to get them to adapt a more flexible value system. There’s nothing one can do to remedy their inner state and they feel too superior to adapt to the needs of others. It’s a non-relationship, no matter how intensely we experience it.
For me the highs get more degraded, the downs are longer and deeper. But part of my condition is the desire to fight rejection, i’m triggered by it. This is why the narc seems like the answer to my issues but only ends up exasperating them because they lack the inner strength i need.
The master without substance.
Master Machina (really)
Again….Wow!!!!