Narcissist V Shelf IPSS
The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.
- The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).
2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.
3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.
4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist
“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”
This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.
There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with
“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”
The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.
5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.
7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.
8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist
“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”
Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is an instant response from the narcissist by text
“I miss you too.”
The SIPSS sends a further text.
“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.
9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning
“Hi, are you okay?”
Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.
10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again
“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text
“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”
This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again
“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”
This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
12. She waits ten minutes and texts again
“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”
This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.
13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later
“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”
He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.
14. The SIPSS answers immediately
“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”
This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.
He texts back immediately
“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”
He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white
15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-
” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”
Again positive Challenge Fuel.
There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
16. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
17. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”
Positive Challenge Fuel.
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
18. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.
No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.
19. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.
20. The narcissist responds
“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”
The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.
The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.
21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.
The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.
The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.
22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday
“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”
This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.
The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.
23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.
Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.
24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.
When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.
Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.
224 thoughts on “Narcissist V Shelf IPSS”
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Hello HG,
How does the lower midrange narcissist react to challenge fuel via text during a corrective devaluation?
(The potentially lower midrange narcissist would send so many texts and sometimes call me instantly after I still reply with a text or his last text.) Is this how the lower midrange narcissist reacts?
I need more information to establish a proper context for your enquiry and need to convey more information to you and therefore I suggest you organise an email consultation.
I am married to one of these. Took years to put all the pieces together although I knew “something was off” from the get go. He’d disappear for days -no contact and then pick up where he left off with no explanation. Same with arguments – Pick up the next time after a couple days and act like nothing ever happened. It took me a while to figure out I was being “put on the shelf” — still in his orbit but not needed at the time. Then I learned they collect people like objects – toys, etc. Use when needed. Out of sight – out of mind. Then they come back and throw you a “comfort bone”.. It is all very twisted. We are married now but do not live together. I am a convenience and summoned according to his schedule. Am I stupid? Not in the least – I have him figured out to a tee. I use him like he uses me. He has a full retirement package / health benefits, Social security, and possible pension that I can tap into. If you’re going to be one of these “shelf people”……… use it to your advantage. They are NOT normal – NOT wired like us – Do not try to relate to them as a caring person with all kinds of potential. THERE IS NONE. Good luck to all if you choose to play the game. Keep your head down, agree with everything they say – and by all means.. MAINTAIN A LIFE OF YOUR OWN.
Could you elaborate on your last paragraph ? If you decide to play the game ? Agree on everything and maintain a life ?? How is that possible – truly possible ?
I maintain a life – and I do get residual benefits as well ( not later … now) but I know – that until he is in my life – my other life are a bit artificial – because my mind is set on him in a certain way. I am interested in your thoughts .
I have been reading some more of the articles linked to the role of IPSS, and especially shelf ipss.
Reading this one again evokes similar emotions as it did the first time round.
I was hoping to ask a question of my fellow empaths, if possible I would like opinions regarding the concept of indifference/ or determined will against the concept of compliance.
This article portrays the empath in a frame of obsession from how it reads to me. The need for reassurance, contact, repeatedly messaging the narcissist.
I understand that the main theme of the article is a clear description of how the ipss is taken on and off the shelf and the ease and speed of said person being painted black or white.
However it also depicts the narcissist view of obtaining compliance from her.
In my situation when he cancelled arrangements he would do it an hour or two before, or he would just not show up.
When he did the first no show I called him, expressed my view and left it at that. He called me back by the time I had got home, I could tell he wanted to hear me upset. I refused to give him that so I was light and dismissive and indifferent. The next day he was texting me all day .. who is chasing who there. ( this was early on in the friendship, no idea what he was at this point)
On another occasion he text to cancel an arrangement he knew to be very important to me two hours before we were due to meet. He had been messaging me that morning making no mention of any concerns.
I sent one enquiring message to see if there was anything else influencing the cancellation. He went off in a rage via text baiting me to get angry . I spent some time writing a pissed off reaction did a couple of times and deleted, so on messenger he just saw those little dots doing a jig for ages while I was typing and deleting. Then my instinct was again to think- he wants a reaction.. so I deleted it all and simply said in message – “alright no probs”
He did not know what to make of that and said ok as long as your ok, your ok right?
Again I was light and dismissive saying yep all good. Again this was before I clicked onto his behaviour patterns fully or knew what he was. Purely gut feeling for me not to react.
When he read and ignored other messages, I didn’t chase him or beg or plead for an answer. This was not because I was complying, or was put in my place …. it was because I knew and valued my own worth and actively decided not to. Only once did I send a follow up when he was a no show for a night out, and he had read and ignored my original message.. my only follow up message was “ so I guess I am just stupid huh”. This was a week after my role had evolved from NISS to ipss. I was messed up about this shift in dynamic and him ignoring me at this point was certainly more emotive… I had also had a fair amount of gin so …
The only anger I feel now reading articles like this is the thought that he took my choice not to chase him as my compliance, That he had control…. I guess he would not compute that it was actually a choice because I valued myself more . His perspective would not allow anything other then his all powerful control over me….. lol
Did anyone else have a situation like this when they did not react to the narcissist? Do you think they viewed this as your compliance?
Also did anyone else work out they were dealing with a narcissist relatively quickly? I was interacting with him 5 months ( 4 months NISS and 1 month ipss) and I worked out the behaviour patterns being odd , picked up On behaviour and started to research.. worked him out. Is this common? I remained in his world after working him out due to emotional thinking and my care for him. But I distanced myself and was even less responsive to his triangulation and baits.
Thanks in advance to any and all who may read this epic post and respond .. x
Quasi … my experience is that I have been at time genuinely indifferent and sometimes purposely and he eventually found the crack – even the very very small ones to break me.
When it was genuine – our first 6 months – I remember him looking at me in desperation saying « what am I going to do with you ? »
Eventually he did something so big that I went into a bewildered rage.
When it was purposefully it was really exhausting – and eventually I got fatigued from it.
But I must say the couple days where I felt he could do anything And was unable to created the emotions he wanted – that I felt perfectly remoted emotionally feom him – they were amazing days.
My take is that they eventually get to you no matter what – but that is my expérience . Anything we do to stay in while we can go – is ET trying to convince you and find reasons to stay.
The true liberation comes the day where you look at them and have no emotions – they are inexistants – they don’t have a past , neither a present and of course no future in your life / they are not a phantom – they are not a breeze – they are not evil – they are not gold – they are inexistant.
Thank you omj,
That was really helpful.
May I ask what school and cadre your narcissist was? I’m sure that will strongly influence this concept. It sounds like from what you said that indifference was not viewed as compliance by him, but possibly criticism? Maybe if he was of a higher cognitive functioning he could recognise it as such. So he continued to provoke for more of a reaction to get more fuel, maybe ignited fury as a weapon.
Either way I’m so glad you are away from him.
I wonder if it was his lower cognitive function and lazy approach that caused my narcissist not to react in the same way… or maybe he chose to see it as compliance through omnipotence ( which he has in spades, unless this was also a front / part of the facade )
He was a victim LMR ( from what I can establish in HG’s articles)
I can only guess that he had low energy to work on ways to continue provoking me. He was really very lazy in most areas of his life. He definitely worked on getting pity / sympathy the most.
He was quite effective still, but I wonder if I did a lot of the damage to myself, from early on I placed a high value on him and his friendship, idealising him too. I didn’t want to let go of the illusion of friendship that I wanted from him. Even after it was no longer just friends, but changed to friends with benefits ( from his perspective).
With every day that passes I grow increasingly thankful that he was the narcissist to target me, that our dance was brief, and that I learnt so much from it without being destroyed by the experience.
Thank you again omj, it’s really good to hear about different experiences. I also really liked your last paragraph… inexistant!
I’m getting there with that one I think…
HG. If the narc has been collecting appliances for decades isn’t the shelf rather full?
How many are normally kept?
How does he choose which to take down?
Do you think the majority of shelved are discarded or go NC?
Thank you
Please see the fuel matrix articles.
Those taken off the shelf are done so through a hoover, so the Hoover Trigger and Hoover execution Criteria apply.
HG. I Have read the fuel matrix articles as instructed but could not find answers to my questions.
My narc is a mm cerebral. If he has been putting people on “the shelf” for years how many could possibly be there?
I believe in the fuel matrix article it stated his type would have maybe 2 IPSS. But how many shelved?
Thank you for you time.
Good Day HG.
If the SIPSS had not backed off, would she have eventually been devalued and discarded?
Thank you
Depends on whether conduct merited being devalued and then disengaged from. It is not a given.
One like doesn’t seem enough for this new series.
I will be referring these two articles to my Aunt.
She is a DLSIPSS and is forever being shelved by her narcissist.
So relatable.
Wow, HG.
Two instalments on-the shelf IPSS,
Is this a series ?
The way the dialogue is described.
Have you actually had those conversations with your own DLS and IPSS when shelving them?
HG, how many DLS IPSS do you currently have shelved?
Do you feed them all confront crumbs?
Or do you allow some of them to sit and wait with no word from you?
What is the longest amount of time, weeks or months, you would put a DLS IPSS on the shelf if painted white?
Great questions!!! I want to know too:)
HG may not answer, he may not shelve his DLSIPSS.
As they may not give him reason to.
HG answers so many of my questions.
I do ask lots.
Plus Amber we were train to wait. I am a very impatient person in life – but boy did I had patience waiting around for those narcs to turn out .
So my mom showed me to wait and be patient and to love etc but she did not showed me to have a life of my own and to belong to me etc
I have to teach it to myself – many therapies and incremental gain and small victories – I am sure I will get there – I am getting there .