The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 2
There is a vast emptiness inside of me.
Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.
I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.
That must not happen.
In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.
I cannot have emptiness.
This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.
The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.
One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?
Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.
The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.
You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.
I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.
This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.
You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.
62 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 2”
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Wow! I couldn’t believe it, and I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but this post made me cry! Go figure! I have certainly gotten a better understanding of all of this because of your writing, and I very much appreciate it. Don’t take this personally (you won’t, right) haha but I really hope that I NEVER meet you. Take care and again thank you so much for sharing this very helpful information.
I have been married to one of each of the three schools of narcissists. The Greater actually described the void to me, before I could even begin to understand. He said it was a black emptiness that always “sucked” at him like a vacuum and always wanted more. He said there was a “wolf” always prowling behind it, trying to destroy him. I cannot understand why he told me about this. At the time, he seemed distressed, like he either wanted me to help him or at least understand him. Why did he do this? Wouldn’t a greater want to keep this a secret? What were his motives in telling me about this? I can’t quite describe how it made me feel. I believed him, but felt disbelief at the same time that a human could really feel that way. That someone could experience something so sinister. It gave me the creeps but made me feel sorry for him at the same time.
K, she is a flying monkey!
I hope I don’t get hit in the head with more….he was a dog, may he rest in peace 🙂
69 revolver,
My oh my, “our own non-disordered brains?” Speak for yourself 69. Study him? As if he is a specimen in a Petri dish. He allows people to see what he wants them to see. There is more to him than anyone will ever know. Don’t ever underestimate what he is capable of because that will be your first and last mistake. He can never be truly be studied because that requires a level of honesty and transparency which he lacks.
Of course he is content the way he is, and why not? his level of empathy never formed.
Just because you don’t feel led to want change him that means the no one else shouldn’t. What kind of fucked-up fallacious foolery is that.
I’m an independent thinker, I don’t need to run with the pack
My greater narc told me in so many ways about his howling emptiness, his inability to love, his drive to be a better person, how I reflected back to him, how he wanted to be close to know me better. I saw the mask come off one night when we were in the woods walking and I was a bit scared of the dark. He pulled the most scary evil empty howling face I’ve ever seen. I saw the monster that night. All indicators. When I found out for sure and he tried to hoover he told me he was not evil. I had never used that word so why pick it?
HG – This post hit home with me and gave me so much clarity. Thank you.
What I would like to know is why not let the monster out?
I was diagnosed with OCD at fourteen years old – I was very ill and thought I would be put in a mental institution. I suffer from HARM OCD – I know you are super intelligent 🙂 , so you more than likely know what that is. Sadly the term OCD has become so commonplace that the general public have no clue what the disorder really entails. The reason why I am telling you this is I also had this utter fear of NOT ALLOWING my thoughts to become real, so I would try everything to prevent them, hence the compulsions. I would get stuck in my mind for days and days trying to stop these horrendous thoughts. Finally I received a diagnosis and underwent cognitive behavioural therapy.
Treatment consisted of letting that thought happen – don’t fight it but let your mind allow it to happen (HARM OCD – evil thoughts) – it was the most difficult thing in the world to allow those thoughts to run through my mind and allow them. Eventually this treatment worked. It showed me that those thoughts are not me, and I finally stopped being scared. IT took years and years of therapy to get to that point, Under very stressful situations, those thoughts come back, BUT I now know how to deal with them It took me great courage and strength I didn’t realize I had to do this.
Why can’t you just let that monster out???? You are in therapy, doctors are monitoring you. Yes, will probably be most painful thing in your life, BUT better than living like you are, SURELY. I know NPD cannot be cured, but what are you so frightened of? The truth cannot be worse than the life you are currently living. Let the monster climb out the void and see what happens.
Your posts have helped me tremendously and I am grateful – I was married to a narcissist for 20 years and then straight into a relationship with another one. Last four years I have been healing and FINALLY understanding what I was dealing with – it has been a massive relief so thank you. I know my thoughts above will probably fall on deaf ears, but it was worth a try for all your help that you provide to people like me.
See the book Fury to the answer you your question Jeannine.
Thank you – I will take a look.
This meme has always made me wonder:
What is behind the mirror?:
1. Another mirror and another mirror and another mirror and mirrors,mirrors just mirrors plain mirrors, curved mirrors…mirrors?
In this case , then the narcissist is just a reflection of mirrors that reflect an inverted ,reversed, distorted reality..
2.? ?? . A true self ? “Someone ” is in fact “holding “the mirror(s) ….
H.G.,
Have you noticed a correlation between your romantic victims and them having been raised by narcissists?
If so, is it more likely that a narcissistic mother or father makes her susceptible to this kind of narcissistic relation in the future?
Thanks,
Love
Yes, absolutely, see Sitting Target for more as to why that is NBL.
Nothing but love… I am glad you brought that question up. My mother is narcissistic and I was curious as to if that makes a narcissist more drawb to me as well. It seems almost every relationship I have been in has been with someone who is N and maybe this is partly why? I swear they can actually smell me a mile away.
Reading this post is very interesting, especially when thinking about how my mother behaves and the ‘mirror’ she holds up.
I have noticed she will play mindgames based on what I have said or done the last time we’ve spoken or seen each other. Her general intention is to criticise or belittle things that a normal mother would probably praise or be happy about. It is very subtle, but constant. If you had no awareness of what she’s doing, she would grind you down until you had zero self-esteem.
There’s no need for a golden period (unless she wants something), so she is in devaluation mode instead, and is aiming to control by planting seeds of self doubt in her victims.
I think she is holding up a mirror, but it’s a darkened and twisted mirror. She wants her victims to see themselves as damaged, unworthy or at fault.
The truth is that her victims have done nothing wrong, but she’s holding up a mirror where they see themselves as less than they actually are.
Scary to think that empaths have their own streak of narcissism, unwittingly falling in love with the false reflection of themselves that the Narc holds up. Narcs and empaths are two sides of the same, sad coin minted by family dysfunction
The self realization of this…is chilling. Falling for the fake reflection of oneself. Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
“I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real.”
Wow. Just….wow. The duality here is both eerie and chilling. Saint Piano Concert used to always “reaffirm” to me that he was indeed, real, for often no prompting reason at all.
“I love you and I am damned real” … I heard this frequently.
This “creature” that you speak of…I wonder if it tries to tell you that you are not real.
Looking back now I realize that there were a few other “odd” things he used to say to me as well. At the time I thought nothing of it but now they are slowly starting to make sense.
It is interesting to hear about things like this that go on inside of you. I know you always say the MRNs may have this “tortured soul” attitude. I also know you have said it is to gain attention by means of pity. But with this whole concept of a “creature” is it accurate to assume that this creature creates the “tortured’ feeling in an MRN? I hope this question makes sense.
Challenge Fuel: I remember you talking about your mid-ranger and have been away for several months, but remember you and am glad to see you are still here. The last thing I read from you was you were thinking of seeing him again. I wonder what has happened since then, if he is still in your life?
It could be your narc has the creature telling him he’s not real. I wonder also if it could be him knowing all along he isn’t real, and saying he is without prompting to try and convince you he is real so you don’t figure him out? Curious about HG’s analysis of your narc’s comments!
Hi Mary,
It is nice to see your name pop up here again as well. Yes, he is still in my life. He invited me to his “piano concert” which is in a few months. I prefer not to share further details about it though.
“I wonder also if it could be him knowing all along he isn’t real, and saying he is without prompting to try and convince you he is real so you don’t figure him out?”
This makes sense except HG says mid range does not know what they are so if that is the case and he has no clue that he has a problem why would he have to “convince” me of the fact that he is real?
HG. I have unsubscribed from your site. Only because I am not in the narcissists space anymore. And dont want to be. I know what it is now. It was 15 years. It took the last 7 years of that to get away.You are very, very good at what you do. And for non narcissists, the perfect ‘fuel’ for us.Your site is so insightful for women damaged by the ‘love’ of your kind. Thank You.
You are welcome, I wish you well.
I realized the weight of what this says,last Christmas.Very coldly he said he didn’t care one way or another if we decorated. He only tollerated it because I liked it all. I did not push back…did not get the decos down…
And I left every MF box of it there when I cut him out of my life.
If I had to recommend one post to explain all I’ve learned here, this would it. So eloquent.
Hi, MH. I like the way this does sort of sum it all up, doesn’t it?
I don’t give myself much thought–who I am–because my purpose in life is to aid other people so I guess I say I am here for ‘the other,’ not myself. To think someone mirrored me, I walk away from that closed chapter saying I’m okay today.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes, Dragonfly, I do understand. I choose to celebrate the qualities which made/make me a target, while letting my healthy cynicism come back into service. They don’t understand people who don’t calculate the effects of their actions all the time, so you’re as alien to them as they are to you. I do think about myself, mostly because of my children, but also because I also have a vocation in service to something bigger than myself. To take care of and give to all those other people I need to be shining at full strength, so I’m learning to choose where I direct my light and my fuel. Re-reading this, I realize I used the word “choose” twice- I guess that means I’m feeling less trapped and helpless!
To HG Tudor, I don’t know if you answer but I’m beginning to think that my Narc is only slightly Narced. He DOES seem teachable, does seem to have love and empathy for his sister, mother, nieces and others. He loves seeing babies and always expresses sweet adoration for them. He loves animals- loves my kitty so much. She sleeps on his chest quite often- like she’s trying to heal him. He has a terrible drinking problem but he ran into some very deep trouble with the law and is getting sober. Do you think I will be better able to see how bad his narcissism is if he stays sober and actually works the steps? I know this is not a lot of information for you to go on and, he has done some very typically Narcissistic things but I guess my major question is, once he isn’t drinking so much, do you think he will be easier to evaluate? Thank you in advance for any insight you can provide.
The influence of alcohol can obscure matters. To assess the matter further I would need more information which means a consultation.
OK, thank you. Let me put together a cohesive description and present it to you.
Very interesting . Made me think not facing the emptiness is because not willing to be accountable for own depths just always on the run ?
*your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.
This really caught my attention
HG,
This is the third time I’ve read this post. What gives. If your family has money, and really wanted you well, they would have taken a very different path. I know I would have. Real recovery looks different; like paying some hired goons to take you in the middle the night, put your pathological ass into a van and send you to a fucking private cabin deep in the remote wilderness into complete solitary confinement. Forgoing communications with the outside world. Cut your fuel supply right off. Cold turkey.
That’s the way they used to do it in old-school AA back in the 40’s before there were detoxes. Take these drunks up to a cabin where no one could hear their screams and wean them off the sauce. The goal? to induce a massive narcissistic injury. Expect panic, terror, suicidality. Whatever. You’re a slave to this life of acquiring fuel. Freedom is on the other side of learning how to be re-parented and healing the inner wounds, the traumas of abuse.
No one wants to be a slave to anything and deep down you’re a smart man and already know this. You’re family could have hired some top notch de-programmers and a psychiatrist in a remote locale with state of the art, custom built rustic cabin-style treatment. Why didn’t your family think about alternative recovery options and research what is efficacious, CBT is not. Because they don’t give a shit if you get well, it’s all about appearances. Forcing you through some therapy because it looks good to whomever.
Sometimes you have to have a total fucking breakdown to be put back together in a more healthy way. You’ve done some good being the evil guy who sells books to victims on how-to stay away from people like you and let’s not forget those private pay consults. You’ve made some good bank too. But there’s a good kid that you trapped in that “void” with the creature. And it’s you. The self you discarded. Now it’s your turn to get welll. Don’t leave that good part of you in that pit with that thing. Let’s see if you will choose stop running and throw down against the creature. Who loves you enough to take your vitriol and really try and to get you the real help you need. Recovery CAN happen and you are fucking worth it.
Thank you for your thoughts LL – “and really wanted you well” there’s you answer.
HG, I really want you well. However, being that you are a man from the other side of the tracks, I am in no such position to do much as I’m poor as a church mouse. I don’t run in your circles. There are others however who do. I throw the gauntlet to them. I don’t believe there is no one that hasn’t the ability to get you the kind of help aforementioned. Let people ask themselves is it better to have you hate them for putting your health first or better to let you stay dead. You are dead on the inside unable to feel love, joy, happiness, sorrow, guilt. If you are ever to recover it will not be at the hands of the good Doctors….Duey, Cheatum, and Howe. Your kind do not save themselves. Best~
Dear LL,
I don’t know…..I kinda like HG just as he is.😉 Has it occurred to you that perhaps he’s ok with it, too? I don’t hear him struggling too much in regards to changing—that’s just not the nature of a Narc, especially a Greater who’s also a Sociopath.
Imprinting during childhood is a very powerful thing. If we were to look, I’m certain we’d see a very differently developed HG brain compared to our own non-disordered brains. Childhood abuse makes its own permanent and indelible mark.
The Good Doctors are working with him in some capacity to which only he is privy. What a blessing that he’s allowing all of us to study him. Just like the rest of us, he serves a purpose in this world.
I don’t feel led to change him, should you?
69
He didn’t want us to watch “Gerald’s Game”-horror movie about a woman who accidentally kills her husband during a kinky game. Handcuffed to her bed in their remote lake house with no hope of rescue, she begins hearing voices and seeing strange visions…he totally panicked. Didn’t know what got into him, wasn’t aware of what he was at the time 😀 But I also wonder what would happen? Would he kill himself? Die of a hart attack? Go insane (even more then already)? Or would he just recover?
All interesting questions you pose. I see the situation similar to a nesting doll. His authentic-self nested deep inside several layers of beautifully constructed outer shells. I’m not a betting woman but if I was forced to speculate what would happen? If given those “right circumstancs,” HG is more than capable of recovery. The same intelligence, perfectionism, and drive to succeed which he has used for darker purposes, would become the very same assets in recovery.
This is horrifying. Truly an unfortunate state to be in for both sides. Right in the feels, as we say in the states.
Extremely sad.
This woman is beautiful. Most Narcissist are beautiful people on the outside anyways.
This post haunts me. My ex-narc died at the tender age of 48 yrs old, only 5 days ago.
I learned of this emptiness and all that went with it.
I am haunted at the thought of his lonely sudden death.
I am full of a sense of guilt, he reached out to me, and I turned away.
I have a hole in my heart and soul.
Oh Goodness, H. I’m so sorry.. I have only learned about NPD in the last few months and it is so deep and subtle- you couldn’t know. Please don’t blame yourself. It is so against human nature that we can’t even see it. We see glimpses of something we can’t understand but we can’t identify and understand it unless we are educated. God be with you while you grieve.
Josephine, once you get a glimpse, and you know, it becomes even more haunting. Thank you for your kind words.
Very silly thoughts. I still don’t think you understand the problem or what’s being said, and probably like to be used and abused by some one who can feel nothing because you want to run to the rescue. The creature is his true self he must face. It’s not a monster it’s his fractured self. It takes a major injury the size of the original trauma for a chance of reintegration. You would not be helping in any way.
No, Vintage, I didn’t enjoy it at all. What I did try to do was to understand this condition of the self. As a Empath, it’s natural to try and help the wounded soul.
H, you must believe that by reaching out to the Narc, the end result would have been pain for you. I think you know that. At the time, you turned away to protect *yourself.* You cannot feel guilty for that.
As HG says, they are void of loving emotions and they only want to take. And that ‘take’ is fuel, and it’s sucked out of you and me and all the rest of us.
Gain solace in knowing that the void inside no longer haunts him. Hopefully, he has found the peace that was so elusive for him in this life. And please, don’t feel guilt that you turned away, it was self-preservation.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Thank you. HG has helped me to know that. To really know it. I appreciate all the kind words from so many people.
H
I am sorry for what you are experiencing.
My husband was an ULN he was 41 when he died. He had a heart attack, he was alone and I was the person he called. I let it go to voice mail. I never wanted to speak to him again. The last thing I ever told him was “I hope you died alone from a heart attack” The last message he ever left was of him having a heart attack. They were able to revive his body….he went to long without oxygen and his brain was dying. I stayed with him in CCU for four days, they had to run test to “prove” his brain died before I could take him off of life support. I stayed with him as they removed the tubes and took him off completely then sat there for a very long time after everything was said and done.
It was the first time I every saw a completely peaceful look to him…..
I listened to his message 2 days after his funeral……
I no longer feel guilty. You see I knew he was dying and I did nothing. For a moment I went through the I should have done something, yet he would never have believed me, nor would he have taken my advice. Then realization I was free from him and his family set in.
Take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you. Come here read and speak with other survivors. Time has a way of showing a person answers to questions when they are ready to see them.
Twilight- beautifully said!
“Time has a way of showing a person answers to questions when they are ready to see them.”
Wowser…you give me goose bumps. Yes I am struggling, but at a higher level. I have a consult with HG…I know he will help with my questions about soul.
Hello H
I am glad to read you will be speaking with him, his consults are worth it.
May I ask what do you believe a soul is?
I start wondering that, after being involved with a predatory spirit, and after ready the style of HG. I found this, and it resonates with me: https://veilofreality.com/2011/04/18/organic-portals-soulless-humans/
Hello H
The article you posted is interesting.
In what way did it resonate with you?
I believe I went a step further than HG writes. I saw someone asked him about this, and I went reading. How do I feel about it now? I felt his shallowness and robotic type of actions both emotionally and physically. I sensed he had no empathy, heart or self awareness. But yet he ensnared me and I could feel it in my gut that I needed to be afraid. But they learn how to attach themselves and feed….I could feel that too. I would be exhausted after a weekend with him. I could never imagine living or marrying him. And yet he became a preoccupation and the Narc-Empath cycle went on for 6 years, until he died 8 days ago. There seemed to be more to this whole thing…it is synchronicity that I found this school of thought. It works with HG’s words, and my experience. I believe I have received a karmic lesson and accepted it.
H., again, my sympathies. I’ll be thinking of you Saturday.
This reminds me of something I heard HG say on a YouTube vid that rattled me to the core. I read it months later again and still, it had the same effect. To paraphrase, “Your relationship with us is never over until either we die or you die.”
So now, your relationship with the Narc has finally concluded.
If you don’t mind sharing, how does that feel? I can’t imagine being haunted & hunted by the ex Narc for the rest of my life on this earth.
oh…how does it feel. Well, I had gotten as close as I believe most people had. I think I really “knew” him. So at the end of his life, I felt nothing but compassion. In his death, I have remained his friend. I feel sad to think of him gone, he has left me with a feeling of absence because he has occupied so much of world for over 6 years. . I mourn the loss of his young life, and all the fake hopes and dreams.
But just starting today I am beginning to see the white light of freedom and the lifting of the heavy burden that I carried for so many years.
H., thank you for sharing.
“Lifting of the heavy burden I carried for so many years.” Yes, I imagine that is exactly how it will feel.
Glad you are free.
❤️
Yes, I think that is the most important feeling. I always felt so guilty and responsible for him. I am free now, I can feel my heart is free now.
Thank you H
H,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can relate to how you feel. This is a tough one.
H.
You are in my thoughts and I am truly sorry for your loss.
Thanks K….i have a consult with HG tomorrow, to help me file the last of his life. I thought I really understood him, then through all of this, I have had interactions with his mother…that have set off all the old triggers.
Excellent, H.
The consult will really make a difference sorting through any unresolved feelings/issues and dealing with parents can trigger emotional thinking that can push you right over the edge. Good luck with the consult and tell HG, I said, “Hi.”
I already spoke with him K. I learned about the mother – son in the terms of their primary fuel. It was creepy, he explained to me the dynamics. I feel better today, not so blown away. His service is Saturday…my day of freedom from this long 6 year journey. I hope his soul finds the peace he never had in life.
H.
Freedom, indeed. The narcissistic relationship has ended for you. The consults are an excellent way to get clarity and understanding. It is VERY creepy when a mother uses her son as a primary source (perverse) and I always think of Norman Bates from Psycho. Good luck on Saturday!