The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 3
We come cloaked in our finery to dazzle and bewitch yet this enthralling and alluring appearance is but an artifice designed to cater to our needs and keep that which the world ought not to see at bay.
Shall I be the charming boyfriend who brings you breakfast in bed or the grizzled tyrant that bellows from the landing demanding to know why the right shirt is not available even though you ironed seven of them yesterday? Perhaps I will be the cheery neighbour who stops and compliments the fellow next door on his new motor vehicle or do I rake a key down the paintwork smiling to myself as I feel the Thought Fuel at his dismay washing over me? How about being the benevolent boss who is magnanimous in his appraisal of a junior employee or might I be the savage dictator whose fleck infested diatribe reduces the underling to tears? Passionate lover or glacial companion? Entertaining purveyor of anecdotes or bilious issuer of put downs? Such choices.
Yet it is not just a matter of good or bad, there is more to layer on top of that. Do I regale my friends with that story of how I went marlin fishing in Bermuda to impress them even though it was my brother who went and I have taken his tale to be my own? Do I claim the theories of a fellow academic as mine when discussing matters with the undergraduates in my tutorial group? Do I claim to know much about the works of Bach because I have glanced over my girlfriend’s play list of classical music? That snippet of conversation that was overheard discussing the merits of staying at the Cavalieri Hotel in Rome and the ‘views to die for’ becomes my stay there last month. A useful review of Transpotting 2 in the broadsheets is commandeered to become my opinion which receives nods of approval when I recount it over dinner.
Why feel the need to be something that we are not? This varies dependent on the school from which we hail but at its essence remains this indisputable fact; we do not want to be nor can we be, that thing which we spend our time escaping from. Most of our kind do not realise this. They have no comprehension that a construct has been created for the purposes of ensnarement. Ensnarement of victims and the continuing ensnarement of The Creature. They do not know it, believing that their construct IS them and hence should you act in a way that attacks that construct through criticism then the response is intense, volcanic and instant. Those who form the majority of our ranks are unable to make such a distinction, unable to recognise what they have created and what they are imprisoning but believe their own creation to be them. Such is the power of delusion. They have no choice in determining what they will be today. They are governed by the instinctive need to respond as the fuel dictates and thus the rage-filled father who smashes his son’s favourite toy was not chosen but appeared because that was what was required to respond to his son running to his mother and not him. The doting son who faithfully calls his aged mother every Sunday without fail notwithstanding her dismissive treatment of him ordinarily is one compelled to do so in order to maintain his facade of decency and to irritate you when you suggest he ought to put her in her place. The quiet yet charming man who is the complete gentleman on the dates you have together is one which has been constructed out of need and is a programmed behaviour to bring about seduction. Whichever way these of our kind face is as a consequence of need – fuel, the facade, the acquisition of residual benefits – and it matters not if there is a swing from demon to angel in the space of the minute, but that is what must occur.
Furthermore, the repeated regurgitation of lies to furnish the construct for the purposes of attraction is an instinctive response. The lie is believed because the Lesser or Mid-Ranger perceives his construct as what he or she is and thus the knee-jerk boasts, the blatant exaggerations and the out and out lies about achievements, status, job, number of lovers and the number of times one has seen U2 in concert are viewed as truth. Challenge them at your peril. The Lessers and Mid-Ranger have no choice in terms of how they furnish their construct and how they respond to the appliances around them.
The Greater of our kind exert choice but it is always within the confines of the overriding objective, namely, all is as the fuel wills it to be. Thus, the decision to berate a shop assistant is one of choice but is governed by the need for fuel. The decision not to answer your telephone calls is one of choice but again is subjected to the requirements of fuel. We Greaters have more substance than our lower-ranked brethren, we have the achievements, the abilities, the successes but it is never enough. One must be better, more popular, more attractive, more muscular, more accomplished, more, more, more. Thus that which is already there was deemed not to be good enough. So there must be the embellishments, the exaggerations, the add-ons. Pilfer here, acquire there, purloin this and steal that in order to make that cloak the finest ever created. You might suggest we ought to be content with the considerable abilities that we already possess but that is viewed from your perspective. From ours, there is always another higher mountain to conquer and it must be conquered because if we do not stop driving forward then we risk perishing.
I wield tremendous power. I can be anything I want and do whatever I please. Yet, as Lord Acton sagely stated,
“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
I have absolute power but it has been corrupted because it is always subject to another force, that of the need for fuel.
I appear as the dictator with seemingly unrestrained power and influence as I choose to be whatever I want to be.
Yet I have come to realise that I am the puppet government put in place by fuel.
37 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 3”
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Narc Affair,
Holy crap! It’s been years since I heard that song, and had not realized how perfect the lyrics are for a narc relationship! WOW. Thank you for sharing it.
Hi mary…your welcome! Ive noticed a lot of songs are narc related.
Speaking of natural red heads…aGreater ex loves red heads (I’m not, thank goodness in the end!), and really, pretty much anything else he can get his hands on. HG you have written about at least one red head. This makes me think of Suskind’s Perfume. Interestingly, I read that red heads feel pain more intensely and bleed more easily and more profusely. I do think that emotional traits often manifest as physical ones. Does anyone think there’s anything to this?
Redheads apparently feel more pain owing to higher nitrogen levels.
I learn something new everyday here! I thought you were kidding, but there’s been actual research on this. I think it just goes for physical pain, but I wonder if it applies to mental pain too? I wouldn’t know since I’m a brunette.
Isn’t this ‘creature’ just you, but you’re so pathologically detached from it, because that’s what pathological deceit / compulsive lying is – and you just tell yourself that you’re ‘sacrificing others’ in your place, so that you aren’t confronted with how you’re rejecting yourself – which is all an involuntary mechanism, i understand that. So we’re not talking about normal or neurotic, but automatic in-built repression.
You fear accountability, you can’t ever be vulnerable, so you can’t ever be flawed, but the reality gap becomes massive through the build-up of deceit – which is also how you’re both displaced and embedded into your world. The construct turns all your flaws into an image of perfection, including perfect evil – but in reality, this creature is how you really feel “ugly”, your ‘super ego’ is the worst sadist, to yourself. You have high exacting moral standards for others that are also a self-projection, “if they’re not perfectly good and selfless (also, naive), they’re really out to get what you have” – that’s not a balanced view of regular narcissism and empathy, it’s a response to an inability to trust.
Because i think this is the deepest layer of delusion and to step out of it would also be deeply vulnerable. The construct is a comfort zone and stepping outside of that means not lying to yourself, but you are then exposing yourself to the world as a less than equal, a child, really, because learning a new pattern is learning again. That’s what the purpose of therapy is, a safe zone that can expand the boundaries of someone’s comfort zone.
Narcissists with less intelligence don’t understand themselves, but higher intelligence can also create a more complex defensive paranoia and cynicism, which is also not easy to see through – and fight against. The cost of your power is self denial, that’s a very high price to pay. You got more choices than that.
The underlying condition is one thing, but narcissism is the real mask of insanity.
Excellent, as always. It elicits relief at understanding what goes on, then astonishment that this can go on, then a sinking feeling that you’ve been around this for so long.
My greater narc was always walking in with new outfits – totally new style. This was usually Based on the taste or styling of the latest ipps. He went with a woman he was seducing to a personal shopper stylist who dressed him in low rise jeans and slash neck t shirt. Something a twenty yr old trendy kid would wear. He looked ridiculous as he was 50 balding pot bellied and short.
Twat
EM
Stop it-youre making me moist with that description.
Haha what did I see in him? I have no idea but he creates an illusion somehow.
Sounds like midlife crisis…
I think if we take an honest and realistic look back at the Narc, we can actually admit to ourselves that he was definitely no Valentino, Clark Gable, Brad Pitt, (insert handsome dreamboat here), etc. I think we tend to idealize and romanticize even as we sort through all those miserable memories. So get you hair done, put on a fancy dress and high heels, and remind yourself that you look 10 times better than he ever did.
Amen to that!
https://youtu.be/gnIZ7RMuLpU
Another song I identify with. Just sharing…I’ll stop now with my you tube contribute to your blog. Lol
https://youtu.be/k4V3Mo61fJM
I once sent this song to my ex….I didn’t know what he was then… i just liked the song…
I do wonder if a greater narcissist ever cries…like when they are alone when nobody can see them. Sorry not trying to get all sappy. I’ll stop now. Just wondered if the frustration could ever lead them to tears when nobody is watching. Have you ever cried HG? I guess you probably wouldn’t admit it as it would be seen as weakness by yourself and I know you hate weakness. I don’t think it’s weakness though. But then again I am female and we definitely cry sometimes whether alone or not. I mean you guys can feel frustration right? Sometimes frustration can lead a person to tears right? Just curious.
I don’t cry.
Have you ever cried? Like even as a child did you ever? I mean never a tear?
I did as a child I am told, although I do not recall. I do remember it being very much the case of “no tears” otherwise worse would follow. Boys don’t cry you see.
Any parent that tells their child they cant cry is warped in the head. Cry and be human! Crying is healing.
My greater lied, Ive learnt to recognise it now as far as possible because I always felt there were particular stories he would tel that were odd. Now I know it’s because they were lies or embellishments – for example he lied to me when telling me about wining a swimming race when he was on holiday in an exotic location. Not satisfied just to be in the race. He lied about his swimming instructor thinking he was so good that she wanted him to swim the channel. Note it was a female instructor.
He wound up one of his colleagues by claiming he was the first in his team to perform a new procedure when it was the colleague who had done that first. He claimed he was so attractive that a someone put a pair of red knickers through his letterbox and a candle on his car – this was a story he used on me 3 times over the years well twice on me and once on a friend who recounted the story. It was used as a hoover and triangulation for negative fuel all at the same time. It would start when I was in no contact and trying to escape which I treid many many times. I’d get a text thanking me for the strange but kind gesture so I would say it wasn’t me I’d rage and say why would I do something like that? If Id be triangulated with a fictitious other woman.
And he he would do the smirk. He had one again. The last part was usually delivered after he had sex with me and one me back again. It was like a knife into my stomach. And so on and so on. Ive eventually realised he was on a repeat cycle everything is on a loop. He pulls out set pieces for the occasion. Trouble is he’d known me so long some of them were used more than once on me. I’ve only been able to work this all out with hind sight and the knowledge I’ve gained. I can see now he thought he was so clever to trick me. He lied he embellished he triangulated he gained negative fuel he conquered he devalued he controlled he used minimum effort he deceived. It may have been true or partly true once and had been used with success on a previous woman and then embellished. It may all have been lies. But retold over and over and over like a boring long playing gif.
HG do you recognise this repeating pattern? And how does it feel to you when you reuse the same story for a hoover and how clever do you feel shen it has so many elements in one manoeuvre?
I can imagine his mother saying Clever boy clever boy.
The mask of sanity
HG
I actually feel for you after reading this article. Seems like a narcissist cannot have rest or peace really. Not even contentment possibly. There’s always that insatiable drive for more. Must be exhausting living in that state constantly. I suppose it’s not even your fault that you are the way you are. You did not ask to be this. I can see where rage could come from as a manifestation of frustration at having to always be seeking fuel. It doesn’t seem fair. I know you are successful and can have and do whatever you want and have a lot to be proud of accomplishment wise. Without contentment though one can not relax in that state. It’s like a state of constant stimulation and striving to get what you can’t seem to hold onto….fuel. Also if what all you have can never be enough accomplishment wise or financial wise then you can derive no true satisfaction. I could see how that could make a person have inner rage. Sort of like when someone is having a bad day and they take it out on someone unrelated to the situation an innocent. Maybe that is why rage always lies under the surface. It’s like a bees nest that is stirring. Too much stimulation. Not enough stopping to smell the roses 🌹 enjoying your life and others. For this I feel for you. If I could wish you contentment with all you have and all you are I would. I hope none of what I have said here causes you to be offended at me. I really do mean well.
Like an empath, but reversed.
It’s all designed to fill a gaping hole that can’t be filled.
It’s a strange feeling.
I came across all his passports. He would get a new passport nearly every year (not necessary as a passport is good for 10 years). I compared all the pics. All different looks. One was scary as he looked like a thug. Different hair color. Some he looked very handsome, others looked pissed off. Some wearing a suit, some a sweatshirt, T-shirt . . . .
HG, you say you have had several changes in hair color . . . women and some men do this all the time. However, do u make these changes due to mirroring of ur current IPSS? Due to the role you were playing at the time?
Nothing to do with mirroring.
Hi
Hi. Why do you think my ex changed his look . . . it was like an actor making a costume change between scenes. One time I sang Karma Chameleon to him. I wasnt far off eh?
Mirroring and the fluidity of the false self.
Natural Red head
Mirroring and the fluidity of the false self. Identity issues . . . lack of any consistent self identity? Always reinventing himself to find ‘a fit?’ Perhaps so he wouldn’t need anyone to provide that for him??
Your blog never ceases to amaze me, HG.
I just started listening to, Boy Georges song called “Time” in memoeries of my mother. Chameleon is one of the songs that won’t stop popping up in my head. I will now have to tune in to Chameleon.
This song by my very distant cousin 😋 reminds me so much of a narcissist and how theyll always be a stranger to us bc they are never who they pretend to be. They make us cry, swallow our pride and are dangerous to our well being. Their facade is beautiful to us but its just one of the many masks they own.
https://youtu.be/vgeV23orVx0
Narc affair
Lmao…2 things…first of all that video is not a serious video….also I do not know who was funnier…Madonna or Austin Powers? Seriously Madonna had to have made that song for the sole purpose of that movie. I can’t imagine anyone letting that be the video for their song lol!!!!! It’s so funny but it seems to mock. There was an undertone of mockery….but it was funny just yeah. Madonna had to be not serious when she was doing that video. She looked beyond silly with her over exaggerated dance moves and obsessive rubbing of her breasts. Lol it looked more like an aerobic exercise video. Anyways yeah I’m done. I will say the video went along well with the song….silly! I guess I also have to wonder if you are serious about using this video as an example or are you just being comical. Sorry I am inquisitive not meaning to be rude or anything promise. Just truly curious. Lol
Hi bella…i probably shouldve sent the lyric only version of the song bc yes the austin version was meant to be over the top and comical. I wouldve never thought that song to be narc related but upon listening to it it sounds exactly what we go thru in falling in love with a narc. You reduce yourself so much to be with them which is dangerous. You lose yourself.
Look at the lyrics. Actually ill post them 🙂
Beautiful Stranger
Madonna
Haven’t we met?
Some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I’ve had the taste for danger
If I’m smart then I’ll run away
But I’m not so I guess I’ll stay
Heaven forbid
I’ll take my chance on a beautiful stranger
I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You’re the devil in disguise
That’s why I’m singing this song
To know you
Is to love you
You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you
Is to be part of you
I paid for you with my tears
And swallowed my pride
Beautiful stranger
Beautiful stranger
If I’m smart then I’ll run away
But I’m not so I guess I’ll stay
Haven’t you heard?
I fell in love with a beautiful stranger
I looked into your face
My heart was dancing all over the place
I’d like to change my point of view
If I could just forget about you
To know you
Is to love you
You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows
I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You’re the devil in disguise
That’s why I’m singing this song to you
To know you
Is to love you
You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows
I paid for you with my tears
And swallowed my pride
Beautiful stranger
Beautiful stranger
Songwriters: . Madonna / William Orbit
I had heard that song many times…. before I ever met my narcissist. It certainly takes on a different connotation now. You’re right Narc Affair… it says so much about our beautiful strangers… the ones we thought we knew so well… but never really knew at all.
This song is more powerful than I ever realized. Listening to those lyrics… it says it all, really.
Thank you for sharing Narc Affair.
Hi burntkrispykeen…yw and i find it fascinating how many songs are about narcissists or narcissistic relationships. Its as if the artists know a lot about this. Many are narcs themselves.