The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 5
The use of music in the narcissistic dynamic between our kind and our victims is common. It appears throughout the various stages of the dynamic but is used most heavily and also effectively during seduction. This use is an excellent microcosm for our behaviours as a whole :-
- It is used to appeal to your empathic traits such as love devotee;
- We use something created by someone else and pass it off as speaking for us;
- We do not feel the emotion conveyed in the song so we find a conduit (namely the song) to emulate it for us;
- It is easy to do thus conserving energy;
- We can use the same approach over and over again, even the same songs.
Thus we will use music often in order to lure our victims to us. I have however written a few pieces concerning the use of music in the seduction and therefore do not propose to do so once again here. Instead, I will utilise this expanded Narcissistic Truth to write about the use of bait in seducing you.
Everything we do when look to seduce you is bait.
Nothing is done or said ‘just because’. Our actions, our gestures, our words, our expressions are all part of this bait which is designed to draw you to us and ensure that you become ensnared on our dangling hook.
Much of this is instinctive. We have an ability to respond in a way which keeps producing bait to attract you. There is calculation too as we assess information that we have gathered about you and determine how would be the best way to lure you in, what would be the most appropriate and most rewarding approach. However, when we are interacting with you, we also respond in a instinctive fashion so that we do and say things which appeal to you.
Chief amongst this of course is the capacity to mirror. We have to do this, as I have explained elsewhere, which means that with a default setting of needing to mirror we automatically respond in a way which is appealing to you. We respond in a similar way to your likes and dislikes and it is a natural reaction which flows from this intrinsic requirement to mirror you. It often just happens because that is how we have been programmed.
Be in no doubt that during those early engagements with us that everything we do with you is designed to lure you. Of course we are drawing fuel from your enthusiastic replies to our passionate text messages, from that broad smile when you see us as you have been waiting in a bar for us or from your delight when we surprise you with a gift. This delicious positive fuel that you provide keeps telling us that we are right to keep laying down the bait, creating that trail of breadcrumbs that leads you into our world and then we close the portal behind you, keeping you there once you have become embedded.
None of these actions compliments, gestures or activities are done just for the sake of doing it. We do not derive ‘fun’ or ‘enjoyment’ from taking you out for dinner, going rowing together or playing a game of squash. We are drawing fuel and putting down the bait to trap you. That is all that matters.
You might wonder, but surely you enjoy playing squash anyway and it is doubly delightful to play squash with somebody whose company that you enjoy? It is a fair question and of course is one asked form your viewpoint. You do things because you intrinsically enjoy the experience. You like to be with somebody because you find them caring, amusing, mentally stimulating, good at what they do which impresses you and so on. None of that matters unless there is fuel attached to it.
Might I enjoy playing squash? Yes. Why? To win and thus draw fuel from the other person be it their praise at my prowess, admiration at the shots played or irritation at having been beaten. Might I enjoy playing squash with you? Yes. Why? Because you are giving me fuel during the game but moreover it is because I know you enjoy playing squash and therefore I am using it as a bait in my seduction of you.
There has to be a purpose.
Everything we say to you. Everything we do for you and with you. All of it, during seduction, must have the purpose of baiting you and providing us with fuel. It is not done just for the sake of doing it. That is an empty activity and a waste of our energy which must be conserved and applied in the most effective way to continue to gain fuel. During seduction these activities are carried out to lure you to us. That is the purpose. If the sentence or activity is not going to achieve that, there is no point to it.
During this seduction we want to spend so much time with you because you have something that we want – primarily fuel, but also those character traits and residual benefits. Those are the aims. You may be able to expound an excellent argument about the benefits of decriminalising narcotics but that is only of use to us as a character trait we might use for ourselves or the fact we purposefully play devil’s advocate so that your consternation as you continue to argue gives us fuel.
You may well be mentally stimulating, but that is only relevant in the context that fuel, character traits and residual benefits come with that mental stimulation also. The mental stimulation in itself is not enough.
This systematic baiting is necessary owing to the need for fuel. We have to have the certainty that you will give us fuel and be a fully functioning and reliable appliance. To secure this, we have to rely on baiting you and it is not enough to rely on that which is already there. That poses too great a risk. It is necessary to maximise our chances, thus we look for those who are the most susceptible and then we deploy our array of manipulations to create the illusion which ensures the bait is taken.
Yes, it might be the case that the more superior amongst us might well be able to secure your dedication to us without the embellishments and exaggerations but why on earth would we take such a chance? Not when there is so much at stake. You may say, “Be yourself and we would love you just the same”. I have seen this written many times and heard it too, but for many of our kind that would be a fatal mistake. For others, more advanced and with existing talent, it is not enough to rely on this and take chances. The optimum outcome has to be achieved and this means relying on luring you, attracting, baiting you through falsity, fakery and fabrication.
When you have been repeatedly told you are not good enough you are going to find someone else who is aren’t you?
62 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 5”
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Too Good at Goodbyes by Sam Smith dedicated to all
Early on – trying to bond with my narc we went to play tennis. I’d been playing on a club league- she said she’d played on the mens team in HSchool… she’s 60 now. So I like tennis and thought great something we could do together. So I’m like OK let’s go just hit around. She’s very athletic I thought it would be fine. Just for fun- get a feel for it. We were barely out there 10 minutes and she told me I was laughing at her. Which I was not.
But I think she could see that she was going to be out matched because she not immediately able to keep a volley going . So as was common-that became a messed up nothing . I said – ok let’s go -I’m feeling hungry-we went to the local pub and had a beer… And I thought -well I guess we won’t play tennis together. Only things they can win at. She brought that tennis up several times over the course of years and how I’d laughed at her. Which I didn’t But I almost had to agree that I had to get her to shut up about it… I said something like sometimes I laugh when I’m nervous that’s as far as agreeing with her as I could get. God what an epic waste of time
As I’ve said before, the ex UGN used my dead children’s funeral song against me. Apart from doing it to tear the unhealed wound of them right open, I’m still unsure of his motives in the moment he chose to do it. (aside from fuel) I’m pretty sure it was to feign intimacy (blah!) & for further embedding but I did not take the bait. Regardless of his motives, I am so grateful I did not take the bait as I can’t comprehend how I could have recovered from that after learning what he is & he was out to inflict as much pain as possible which is obviously part of the motive too being the trap laying sadist he was.
Anyway, they would have turned 18 tomorrow. A significant milestone. 😔 I will allow myself to play the song & cry & grieve & celebrate them & not him as I spend a day in self nurturing. I don’t even remember the last time I did that.
🎼 Tomorrow, I reclaim their song. Damn it’s gunna hurt but it is time…
How cruel. I’m very sorry for you loss.
So sorry about your children. To use anything related to such horrible pain is hideous.
Thankyou ImStillWinning & MH.
While I will never forget what he did, I have their song back & it was not nearly as bad as anticipated. Obviously the time was right.
As I’ve said before, the ex UGN used my dead children’s funeral song against me. Apart from doing it to tear the unhealed wound of them right open, I’m still unsure of his motives in the moment he chose to do it. (aside from fuel) I’m pretty sure it was to feign intimacy (blah!) & for further embedding but I did not take the bait. Regardless of his motives, I am so grateful I did not take the bait as I can’t comprehend how I could have recovered from that after learning what he is & he was out to inflict as much pain as possible which is obviously part of the motive too being the trap laying sadist he was.
Anyway, they would have turned 18 tomorrow. 😔 A significant milestone. I will allow myself to play the song & cry & grieve & celebrate them & not him as I spend a day in self nurturing. I don’t even remember the last time I did that.
🎼 Tomorrow, I reclaim their song. Damn it’s gunna hurt but it is time…
“When you have been repeatedly told you are not good enough you are going to find someone else who is aren’t you?”
The last line of this post stood out to me and surprised me a little. It looks like a confession or admission of feeling inadequate. It’s surprising because narcissists never admit feeling “not good enough”. They usually do the opposite and make themselves sound grandiose and magnificent or give you some exaggerated sob story to evoke sympathy.
Or is this sentence supposed to be what an empathic person would think? Am I understanding it differently to how it’s meant?
Anyway, it’s interesting. Is this meant to be an honest admission coming from you as a narcissist HG? Are you actually giving us a glimpse into how you really feel? Or is it said from the point of view of the empathic person?
I have a song to dedicate to you hg its called can’t cry hard enough by the Williams brothers I dedicated it to my late fiancee when he died in late 02 even though the song came out a decade earlier it was for him because it expressed the overwhelming grief I felt she. He died I’m passing it on to you because you both had horrific childhoods he was sexually abused by his mother at the age of four but became an empathy to the millionth degree I dedicate this song to you not because I lost you as I never had you this dong is dedicated to the moment in time during g your childhood that your innocence and beauty were lost and you lost your emotions and became a narcissist I let go of you like a child letting go of his balloon there it goes up in the sky for no reason why
Meant to say when he died not she he died
Thank you for your dedication.
My narc sent me a song when we first met. It was a few months and the golden period was running strong. I think it was meant as: foreshadowing(glimspse behind his mask), him being smug about ensnaring new prey-me, being a jerk and getting off on it covertly.
The song confused me at the time but a part of me was screaming this guy is trying to tell you hes a lying ass and no good for you and laughing about it.
Here we were happy and gaga over each other. We couldnt be together enough and he sends me a song that basically talks of a woman getting in over her head emotionally. Wow…he was telling on himself yet proud of the fact he snared me.
Everytime i hear it it pisses me off so bad i turn the channel. I love a large range of musuc and oldies are a part of that but this song i no longer can listen to.
He sent me canadian 70s singer burton cummings song “shes come undone” which ill post.
What makes me the most angry is his smugness. He really takes pride in the art if ensnaring a victim and duping them. One things for sure if and when it does end i wont come “undone”. Ill survive and gain freedom. He honestly thinks he can destroy me i dont think so…
https://youtu.be/Kb9P8BLipqo
Heres the lyrics…
Undun
The Guess Who
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late
She’s come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn’t fly
It was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
She wanted truth but all she got was lies
Came the time to realize
And it was too late
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
Mama, it was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late
She’s come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn’t fly
Mama, it was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Songwriters: Randy Bachman
Undun lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC
Omg too many lives to lead and not enough time….lmaooo sociopath!!!
What a huge red flag Narc Affair!
It’s so true that they tell on themselves and drop hints about who they really are. You just have to be aware enough to recognise these hints though, and to have the knowledge needed to believe your own instinctive reactions.
Wow, it shows that his vision was clear all along and he knew exactly what he was doing. Narcissists are predators. It’s quite scary when you think of it. They take pride in how successful their manipulations are.
Sometimes I think they must spend a lot of time and energy on weaving their webs of deceit. When you scratch the surface of the facade in many cases, their other skills (i.e. what they do for a job, talents, hobbies etc) are quite shallow and undeveloped. I think that’s because they’re honing their narc skills so much, they don’t have a lot of time or interest for much else.
Hi wisernow…youre right he does know what he is and takes pride in it. He takes it seriously bc its his lifeline-fuel. From day one he mentioned shame on and off. I know he comes off confidant but hes mentioned his lack of self esteem.
I do suspect hes a lower greater bc of his awareness of his narcissism. He was the first to bring the term up to me. After 7 yrs i know hes a sociopath. When you think sociopath you think a freak of sorts but hes the most normal down to earth person on the outside much like we see HG on here. Its behind the scenes im shocked the other personas hes had and i only know two of them. One with me and one on that site. I know without a doubt hes many more to other sources.
His ego has a fantasy that i fell so in love with his facade i came undone but what came undone was his facade.
My online narc said “Hey Mama” by Nikki Minaj reminded him of me. It’s from the perspective of a woman who will do anything to please her man. It’s a fun, playful song, if not analyzed to death, and some of our sexting was really dirty, so I could see why he chose this song. But I’m really NOT capable of hearing a song like that without taking a little offense either. He was gloating about the fact that I let him talk me into all kinds of fucked up things (in fantasy/sexting) because I wanted him that badly. He had a spell over me and he was basking in that. Again though, I can appreciate a fun song, regardless. I had never heard it before he told me about it, but now it’s kind of an anthem since I am the one who ghosted him!
“Yes you be the boss yes I be respecting
Whatever that you tell me ’cause it’s game you be spitting”
Best believe that when you need that
I’ll provide that you will always have it
I’ll be on deck keep it in check
When you need that I’m a let you have it”
“Banging the drum like dum di di dey
I know you want it in the worst way
I wanna hear you calling my name”
Mary,
I can relate to this very much.
HG?
What are your thoughts when your sending of music is reciprocated? Do you pay any attention to what has been sent? Would you listen to the words etc…. Could it wound if offensive? Or just provide fuel regardless?
I do pay attention yes and use it to my advantage. The words could wound yes.
I often wondered this, too, Lady Jane. The last song I sent him was The Thrill is Gone.
Hi HG. How do you use it to your advantage??
Identify themes in the songs which could then be used in a constructive way with regard to the sender.
Pour scorn on the song in order to draw negative fuel.
Feign interest in similar songs to draw positive fuel.
Find a song that runs contrary to the expressed sentiment to draw negative fuel.
Various ways.
HG, just curiosity here. Can you tell us a couple of songs sent by your exes that have wounded you?
They haven’t. I was explaining that a song could wound, not that it has.
Mary
I know a 50 plus Mid Somatic that was less than impressed when I sent him Dinosaur by Kesha, but it made me laugh for days.
Hi hg! I hope you are having a good week!
I am, thank you, Jenna.
😊 I miss the consults with you HG!
Stay here lovely people and keep reading! Consult with hg. Seek the truth. The truth shall set you free! Only after I was forced to control my emotional thinking was I truly on the road to revovery. I was discarded so I had no choice. I had to go no contact. It was the best decision the narc made! Well, we don’t have kids together so that was not an issue. It was an unhealthy addiction, that only was reinforced with repeated action. Break the addiction! Halt the emotional thinking! Seize the power!
Beatles And Your Bird Can Sing
Carly Simon You’re So Vain
Etc etc etc
But actually it’s hard to insult narcs on purpose (except for ignoring them- low energy expenditure too!)- real easy to do accidentally.
Any song which they might take to be mocking them.
Peter Cincotti Wanna Be:
Lmao narcangel!! Perfect song to send 🤣
NarcAngel:
I love love LOVE that you sent him “Dinosaur.” LOLOLOL Awesome!
Lmao!!!! I am pretty well-versed in Kesha song lyrics but I had to Google this one. Omg I’m dead!!!! Those lyrics are awesome! At first I thought it was a sexual song like the 80’s song “open the door, get on the floor everybody walk the dinosaur”…. mocking a perverted old man at the club is way funnier!
Perfect song for an aging somatic. I was quite tickled with myself. Who says narcs have all the fun?
HG, Your recent articles are really good (did you actually write them or lifted them from someone else? Get the doctors to fill in holes? Haha!) And before you sense a criticism by way of thinking this means the previous articles weren’t good enough- no no no- that’s not what I meant! Just kidding with you and projecting my narcs’ problems onto you! Be flattered that I’ve learned so much and am applying it! You know we all love you!
And your writing lately is EVEN better than before.
Don’t be so cheeky, this is all my own work. I’m going to go and kick a kitten now!
Crying kitten emoji
Just for that, HG, you’re getting Sir-Mix-A-Lot as your song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JphDdGV2TU
This Bitch Kitten is laughing.
“We use something created by someone else and pass it off as speaking for us”
As explained in Who Shall I Be Today? their whole existence is one giant continuous act of plagiarism. Even their manipulations they got from their parents.
Counterfeit.
Cowards.
HG, I’ve loved Depeche Mode since Speak and Spell with Vince on board. I thoroughly delighted in your response to a question posed to you about desiring love: “From the notes that I’ve made so far, love seems something like wanting a scar” (with you giving proper credit to Martin Gore). Good one, HG! So I was going to ask you, if someone invited you to a DM concert – I see them ever time they are in town – wouldn’t you genuinely enjoy the experience? I think I know the answer. Probably contains something about the provision of fuel. Or having the best seats, or backstage passes, or a private dinner with the band after the show.
I like you DUTG, you have great taste. It is of course about the fuel.
So much I want to say on this post HG and the replies.
First, of course I have great taste…I’m here faithfully reading your works aren’t I? They are brilliantly illuminating and healing. What a legacy to be proud of HG. Regardless of your motive, they take a lot of personal time which registers as selfless dedication to a cause greater than yourself.
Second, I agree with the comment that the recent writings are next-level stuff. They resonate more depth. Not sure what it is, but I never once doubted that they were authored by anyone else but you.
Third, I’m sad about your response about DM live in concert and fuel. Why? I recently attended an OMD show. I was responsible for procuring the tickets for me and a school mate from junior high who I hadn’t seen in years. Her family had helped me out greatly during my parents’ divorce, allowing me to live with them so I wouldn’t have to change schools so late in the year. Never did I think OMD circa 2018 would be a sell out and spent the entire day of the show searching for overpriced tickets. I found two that ticket holders sold back to the venue, but one of us would be in the balcony while the other would be in front of the stage. In short, I was up in the balcony totally on my own with strangers but thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Two songs in, I said to myself the effort and excessive cash output was 100% worth the experience. They were amazing that night, even though I essentially experienced OMD on my own sans any fuel provision. I hope DM has provided you with that ‘no strings attached’ euphoria at some time of other too.
Finally, I live across the pond. The narc sent me some songs which I suppose must have been currently popular in the UK. I had never heard of them. I’m an 80s girl obviously.. Dua Lipa and another by Matoma/Becky Hill. While I liked them and thought it was a sweet gesture, I also thought they were a bit ‘girly’ coming from him, a long-standing and high-ranking officer of the British Military. Your writings have confirmed my gut suspicion at the time that he likely recycled songs sent to him by members of his harem to seduce me. Makes me feel so ick now!
Mental stimulation was my ex’s big fish. We established that on the first date, oh how he could impress me . . . but after month he told me he didn’t want to talk from the intellect anymore but from a spiritual, enlightenment place. I was very disappointed when he would no longer engage in intelligent conversations. Only thing I really liked about him actually.
Prior to me, he ‘worked the church’ for victims. So he wanted to go back to using religiosity because I was hooked after a month. I’m not that easy a catch . . . something special about him. That specialness turned to crab a couple of months later.
He used the music. Always sending me YouTube music videos. We both love Mozart. That was real. I think.
This article ‘hit home’ . . . especially EVERYTHING had to have a purpose. Lured me in and then everything was about him and what he wanted or needed.
Last weekend my ex texted me “Break it Down Again”, (Tears For Fears) because it reminds us of a trip we took to San Francisco.
Before blocking his number and marking his email address as spam ( yay me 🎉), I texted back, “Fresh news from the boys is always fake news.”
I know, how dorky. But, that’s one of the things that Trump loving idiot is into about me. I think I burned him a little, eh? 🤓🔥
“Saint Piano” dedicated a song to me, he called it our song. I thought it was the sweetest thing but now I am not so sure anymore…
“Beautiful Mess” by Jason Mraz.
Here are a few snippets of it.
“You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy..”
“And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are”
My contradictions? Really? Projection much?
Next time u talk to him u can sing ” sing us a song your the piano man sing us a song tonight we’re all in the mood for some bullshit and your belting it out tonight”
Hahahaha!!!! Thank you for that!
OMG Mary! Hahaha! I wish I had the gumption to say this to him. Sadly I do not think I could. However I am going to file this one way in the event I ever get the guts someday.
Hey ‘Dear Mr. Fantasy’ by Traffic (very old song). Lol . . . I’m missing him tonight. Just outing myself . . . .
Challenge Fuel: I’d prob just take it as a compliment for your own interpretation. Everyone who is human has some contradictions, and that IS beautiful. But yes, there is more than a little projecting on his part! Also, some of the lyrics could be taken as back-handed compliments.
Oh he is so full of backhanded compliments….
One time he told me “I forget how smart you are sometimes”.
WTF?!
Hi gabby!
I hope you decided not to attend the piano recital. It will feel good short term but long term it will just feed the addiction. Schedule something else that day. The best is to lose the cell phone and get yourself an old fashioned land line phone so your kids, family, and select others can call you.
Hi Jenna….
Good to see you here. I appreciate the concern but I do not feel comfortable sharing anything further about the invite I received to the “piano concert”.
Hi gabby,
No problem at all. We all need our privacy about certain things! I hope you have a great weekend!
Challenge Fuel: Saint Piano needs the tables turned: “I sometimes forget you’re not always an asshole.”
Hi gabs…my narc has used backhanded compliments that have really sliced. Such a passive aggressive tactic.
Ive gotten him back tho by saying things like did you get any sleep last night you look worn out haggard.
Ill say you look really tired, a lot to remind him hes old.
Sometimes ill send him an advert for hair products for thinning hair bc hes very insecure over this.
I only say or do these things when hes devaluing me so he backs off. I feel guilty after but i find it works opposed to telling him how i feel and giving him fuel.
I find when he gets a taste if his own medicine he backs off with his devaluing not to say itd work with every narc tho.
Good one mary lol 😂 ill have to go reread the narc granades article again. Maybe HG can give us a list of backhanded compliments to use on narcsissists.
Narc Affair….I’d pay top dollar for that!
When we first met he sent me an Arabic song she spread the sand of the sea I thought wow so beautiful listened to it again a week ago and thought how ugly and stupid
LOL, Ugotit – you have this way of expressing yourself that is darn funny. I love music and was curious, so went to listen to the song (who knew I’d actually find it?). Wow, hard to follow the meaning of the words… but thinking way too much was expected of you, uh huh-oh yeah. But he acknowledged you’re pretty, so there! 🙂
Great job picking up on that he did expect to much from. Me and like in the song where it says you are my destiny my fate he always told me that it was sort of hypnotic but he not only put me on a pedestal he put me on a throne and has been punishing g me ever since for not living up to the queen he imagined me to be
I can relate… they love the romance of it all, and they really like to live out the fantasy. To this day, my (stalkerish) ex calls me his “dream girl.” That grates on me. I’m real and imperfect. It feels like he’s got an endless infatuation — it’s definitely not real love.
And you… well, you spread the sand of the sea. Impressive! You’re way too tired (maybe even a touch crabby) to be expected to have your hair + nails perfect/a gourmet dinner on the table/be a sensual goddess 24/7. LOL
There’s a song that has the line: “Life is just a fantasy — can you live the fantasy?”… well, that’s them. They’re living the fantasy, while the rest of us are living reality.
Reality is actually much more interesting.