The Narcissist and Marriage
Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remain a celebration.
It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?
- It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:
“I think we should get married at some point.”
“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”
“We ought to get married next year.”
“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to be married.”
“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)
“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”
There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-
a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;
b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;
c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;
d. Mentioning it to family and friends;
e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;
f. Considering where to have the wedding list;
g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;
h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.
Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.
2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.
3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.
4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”
Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.
5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).
6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.
7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There are a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.
8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel form start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.
It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.
9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.
10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.
11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.
12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.
It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.
Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.
If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.
42 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Marriage”
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Pertaining to the narcissist and religion. My ex narc is a member of a particular faith that consider themselves Christian, but are not accepted by many worldwide Christian faiths as Christian, because they believe that they can become Gods. I won’t say any more than that because I do not wish to offend anyone here who might be a member of that church.
That being said my ex narc is a married member of that religion. He told me he was getting a divorce and we had an affair for over a year.
He is a firm believer in that faith but he does not want to be held to the strict standards. It is so odd to me because he vasselates between full belief and wanting to walk away from it almost weekly.
My question is do narcissists fear God or judgment? My ex seems to feel that because he has had a hard life, that he should not be judged as harshly as the average member. He has been excommunicated for our affair, and like I said he goes from believing to rebelling against its standards in the blink of an eye. Almost as though he has a split personality.
Can a Narcissist be truly God believing can they change because of Christ or God? Do they really believe in a higher power? If they do, why are they so quick to pick and choose which rules to follow?
Like I said my ex is a great defender of his religion, but he is not loyal to it in his personal moral code.
Can religion change or heal the mindset of a Narcissist?
Religion cannot heal or change the mindset of the narcissist.
A narcissist will be God-fearing or God-defying dependent on whether his needs are best served by that.
So, being God fearing won’t motivate a Narcissist to change?
No.
HG’s right and it may sound paradoxical but I believe this is why they – and especially the MR’s – display this split thinking.
Henry II managed to get himself excommunicated by Pope Gregory VII because he had Beckett martyred- the Pope’s own legate and of course the AB of Canterbury. And in the Cathedral too boot. Pretty bad. Trouble was, Henry really needed the Pope (for reasons that I forget) so he was in BIG trouble. However, the King always held the trump card – the Pope MUST forgive.
So H2 travels to some town in Europe and in the middle of a deep snowstorm decides to circumnavigate the tower, wailing his repentance, how sorry, won’t do it again, please forgive me!?!?. Of course the Pope has no other choice BUT to forgive as forgiveness is a central tenant of the faith. H2 wins (ex-com removed and he kicked Beckett to the kerb), Pope loses.
Same with PN. He was caught wailing and moaning on his bed (ex RC) saying over and over ‘will Jesus ever forgive me for what I did to my children?’ And there you could. He COULD have asked bro and I for our forgiveness – nah – Jesus will do it for him!
I take some great pleasure in knowing that RC’s believe in purgatory. Bwah ha ha! I’m toying with sending him Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’ for his birthday and signing it ‘A concerned friend’.
Shall I narcsite?
So would leaving a narc at the alter (and with the bills) exact revenge?
At the altar would wound.
Hg
Regardless of culture or religion, what about the men who have multiple wives? Would all wives be the ipps?
No.
Can I divorce a dead man??!!!
I was also thinking about deleting every surname I’ve had during my life. N birth father, stepfather used by husband N to trick me into marriage, And of course husband N’s name,as that is where I sustained the most damage.
My middle name would make an excellent surname, and belongs to no one but myself in my families.
My Stepson wouldn’t change his birth certificate and last name to his fathers.
Nobody wanted to acknowledge him as the father on his sons birth certificate, and son had already been devalued when father demanded he change the name to his.
He told him that would happen when monkeys flew out of his butt!
Oddly enough, my N acted elated at being married, and bragged about it. He even treated me well enough for some years after, that I excused his “helping me improve myself” as some type of caring. I think there were many people who said he could never pull off getting married and staying married, in the town where he grew up.
Sure, it’s possible. Brainwashing and threats of violence to yourself, himself and loved ones is a good way to hold a prisoner. Especially when you start bring tales of cruelty and violence against a man KNOWN for rescuing victims of domestic violence. That will get you enemies instead of help.
I hope you’re writing your autobiography, Perse. You could use your middle name as surname without the expense and bother doing that legally causes…
..and you certainly deserve to have the last word in this story!
Thanks NE,
I could at least write of my adventures in narcland. I’ve been accused many times of always having to have the “last word” while, of course he actually was the one getting to have the “last word”. Might be nice to actually get to have the last word on this.
LOL!
Our engagement and wedding were indeed fuel gorging opportunities for the narc. Alone in the honeymoon suite with him, I felt the switch flip. It was never about me or us. It was about him. It was for fuel. I was a mere appliance cast in the role of bride. Not the ‘George and Barbara Bush’ great enduring love story this devotee hopes for. When he married for the 3rd time 90 days after our divorce, I was well aware what my successor was in for. Listen to HG. Being the wife of a narc is nothing to envy.
DUTG
I know someone who experienced the same switch flipping on her wedding night. He went into a rage and beat here severely that very night for “ruining his day”. She was completely shocked and did not tell anyone for some time but she did leave him. She never trusted men after that and was sexually only with women. Her last and longest relationship however was with a woman and was also abusive. She passed young and Im glad for it as she seemed resigned to enduring it.
Will you marry me, Hg?
Nuit
Snap out of it !!!!!
No worries. Just curiosity talking. I like you telling me to snap out of it too – bc you KNOW there are those of us who completely get lost…
Hg didn’t even deem it worthy of a response heehee 😉
This makes me think of Cher in Moonstruck. Such a great movie. I’m showing my age.
12345
Haha That is exactly the attitude and tone I used to deliver it.
That movie was great!
Ronny Cammareri:
A bride without a head!
Loretta Castorini:
A wolf without a foot!
You are a riot, Nuit Étoilée!
Thank you for seeing my humourous intent, K 😉
Nuit Étoilée
I couldn’t help but laugh when I read your comment. I think HG is a busy dude so he can’t always respond, but he may have gotten a bit of positive fuel from your proposal; I know I did and I am not even a narcissist.
Oh man K……
Have just had SUCH a norty idea! Bit like Spartacus….
That would be fully hilarious!
Renarde
Ha ha ha…you are full of norty ideas! I like that in an empath.
K,
I figured I’d receive his powerful “No.”
But silence – even more powerful?
oooor maybe he’s still considering?
naw.. if that were the case, it would still be in moderation. LoL
Nope, dismissed!
But, at least I shared a giggle 🙂
That’s all I wanted 🙂
Nuit Étoilée,
I got plenty of giggles and I got a laugh from NA’s comment, as well. Don’t forget, The Five Rules prevent HG from using his machinations against us. There will be no STs deployed here.
My theory of The Five Rules are as follows:
1. He cannot seduce or ensnare any of his readers on or offline.
2. He cannot use us to fulfill any of the Prime Aims.
3. He must be candid.
4. He cannot violate the trust of those that engage with him privately via e-mail or Skype.
5. He cannot paint us white or black
K
You forgot:
He must not accept proposals.
Thus explaining his lack of response to Nuit. No point in breaking her heart if he cannot experience first hand her wailing and tears.
NarcAngel
“He must not accept proposals” falls under Rule 1A: No Monkey Business may be conducted with the reader.
Nuit could always send a fuel filled Howler to HG.
Interesting K. If I had to write HG’s 5 rules, they would be as follows;
1 – Post the creepy hand avatar when ‘The Tribe’ are getting too restless
2 – Point out how loathsome the MMR’s as frequently as possible (Ren approves)
3 – Showcase how sexy his voice is via the utlisation of podcasts, youtube et al. Switch this around with point 1 and the sexy legs avatar to maximise full effectiveness. Carrot and stick ya see!
4 – The SuperEmpath writing is ALWAYS a good conversation starter. Ditto ‘A Stolen Love’.
5 – Really want to get a good convo going though? Then it’s ‘HG wants to know’. I swear, if we ever got a ‘HG want’s to know the colour of your knickers’, THAT would break the internet.
Renarde
Ha ha ha…# 5 would definitely be an internet breaker!
Renarde,
That was funny – especially point two:
“2 – Point out how loathsome the MMR’s as frequently as possible (Ren approves)”
I see you haven’t lost your sense of humour!
How are you doing by the way?
He he – you lot make me giggle! Thank you WhoCares, I am well!
I’ve had a little Narcsite break but it did not escape my attention that HG posted a new post – Jay-Z’s 99 problems.
In honour of this and on more musing about those cockwombles the MMR’s, I wondered what it would be like if I were a GEN for a day.
To the tune of ‘If I was a Boy’ – by Beyonce
If I were aware
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw a MMR where I wanted…. and go
Drink beer with the minions
And chase after skirt
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted
‘Cause the blackmail means they’d stick up for me
If I were aware
I would totally understand
How to make a girl feel adored
I swear then I’d be a better Narc-o
I’d listen to her
‘Cause then I’d know how to hurt
Cos when you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause a you took a MMR for granted
And everything you planned got destroyed
If I were aware
I’d turn off my my main phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I always put myself first
And make the rules as I go
I’d find that MMR and make him rue the day he crossed me
I’d be waiting for him to come home
To come home
Is that a bit dark? Even for here?
Renarde,
Clever – and definitely not too dark…I absolutely appreciate your sentiment towards mid-rangers!
Thank you HG for sharing all of this insight – extremely effective in trying to understand how the narcissist functions. One thing I don’t fully understand is why narcissists want children. Besides façade fabrication, do they serve the same purpose as marriage?
Little mirrors, fuel provision, facade management, binding – see Impregnate.
Speaking of multiple marriages, has anyone noticed when the narc is talking about his ex-wives, it is inevitable that wife #2 or #3 was always a model? I’ve encountered this phenomenon twice from guys that lived with their ex in podunk towns in Indiana and Ohio. Because, yeah…that’s where all the models hang out. {{{eyes rolling furiously)
The narc spouse I left lives in Ohio and you are absolutely correct. Eyes always wondering.
Oh and btw i was his fourth marriage. Which I found out by innocent conversation through his daughter. When I confronted him about it he said it was an embarrassment and that’s why he never mentioned it. Of course in each one he has always been the victim
Yeah…I found out I was wife #3, not 2 after 7 months of marriage. He just said “sorry”.
Thankfully I left his fake ass after only 7 1/2 months of marriage. Packed everything he owned in trash bags. How evil these men are.
Ive said this before HG. With the knowledge I gathered and taking your advice….divorce was quick, fast and in a hurry. The papers were signed like they were in fire. I knew just about every move my spouse at that time was doing ahead of time. I countered every move double for one of her manipulations. May her ass fry in hell. Hahahaha!!!
Good work EC.